Did you feel more alone when they were there than when they were gone?

[vortex of confusion]

It is Saturday night once again. I am still with him but I hate the weekends because it is usually the same thing over and over. Saturdays are the only days where one of us doesn't work. Anyway, I have noticed that when he isn't here, I get stuff done and don't feel too lonely. However, when he is here, it is difficult for me to accomplish anything. When he is home, he spends most of his time playing his computer games. If I ask him to join me and the kids in the other part of the living room, he might come over and join us but he will read a book or fall asleep like the kids and I are not worth interacting with. The sad part is he thinks he is doing so well. Sitting and reading a book next to us is his idea of paying attention to us.

It make me feel really lonely and really rejected. Did anybody else experience this? I feel like a lonely single parent a lot of the times.

[thatwasthat]

Just a short reply for now since I am risking my phone sitting in the bathtub right now. 

That is a very, very interesting thought you are bringing up. I have a bit of a different POV since my situation with her was different and also is now. But I see what you are saying and I had never thought about it.

Yes. I felt very lonely after she dumped me. But in retrospect, now that I am doing better... .I actually felt miserably alone while being with her.

I had given up so many friendships. It was only her. And when she chose to be cold and I got the silent treatment... .that were the loneliest moments of my life.

Now when I feel lonely... .I can do something about it. Call someone. Just go out.

Back then I was truly alone. Only having someone silently sitting in the room keeping me from living.

"BE QUIET. STOP TRAMPLING AROUND THE HOUSE."

[Infern0]

I'm not going to spin it to make myself feel better,  no I was never lonely with her.  

Our relationship was wonderful up until right near the end,  sure there was some problems but if I'm being honest I was happy with her for most of the RS,  she adored me until I went away for two weeks for work and in that time I got devalued.  Before then it was probably unhealthy but I felt like I didn't need anyone but her anyway.

[thatwasthat]

I'm not going to spin it to make myself feel better,  no I was never lonely with her.  

Our relationship was wonderful up until right near the end,  sure there was some problems but if I'm being honest I was happy with her for most of the RS,  she adored me until I went away for two weeks for work and in that time I got devalued.  Before then it was probably unhealthy but I felt like I didn't need anyone but her anyway.

I should probably have been more precise. I understand what you are saying and I agree.

I was referring to the time towards the end, when devaluation was in full swing.

[Aussie0zborn]

My experience is a little different but the common thread is feeling alone. You have a partner but you feel lonely. It's horrible isn't it?

On another note, I've never understood grown men playing

Computer games. Especially those with kids. He sounds like a kid himself.

I'm sorry I can't offer any food for thought but I understand and acknowledge how you feel.

[Infern0]

My experience is a little different but the common thread is feeling alone. You have a partner but you feel lonely. It's horrible isn't it?

On another note, I've never understood grown men playing

Computer games. Especially those with kids. He sounds like a kid himself.

I'm sorry I can't offer any food for thought but I understand and acknowledge how you feel.

I used to play computer games up until a few years ago.  All I can say is that I am a fairly introverted person,  and all the people in their 20s that I know seem to only want to go out and get drunk all the time which just doesn't interest me. I like to meet new people and make friends but it's hard finding people who actually want to go and do fun and interesting activities which aren't just getting drunk. For a while computer games were my escape.  I eventually decided to become more healthy so now I mainly gym and do sports but I don't think it's fair to judge people playing video games,  in my opinion you could point fingers at anyone's interests and find issue with it.

Sorry to go on a tangent just something I thought

[My heart]

It is Saturday night once again. I am still with him but I hate the weekends because it is usually the same thing over and over. Saturdays are the only days where one of us doesn't work. Anyway, I have noticed that when he isn't here, I get stuff done and don't feel too lonely. However, when he is here, it is difficult for me to accomplish anything. When he is home, he spends most of his time playing his computer games. If I ask him to join me and the kids in the other part of the living room, he might come over and join us but he will read a book or fall asleep like the kids and I are not worth interacting with. The sad part is he thinks he is doing so well. Sitting and reading a book next to us is his idea of paying attention to us.

It make me feel really lonely and really rejected. Did anybody else experience this? I feel like a lonely single parent a lot of the times.

That's exactly how I've felt the entire relationship.  When he was home he would ignore all of us & either watch tv in the bedroom, play with his cell phone or just fall asleep.  Never felt so lonely living with someone before in my entire life.  I couldn't get anything accomplished around the house either & god forbid he would help.  Only after an intense argument would he help out or even interact. Probably out of fear that I would leave.    It's over now though & it's for good.  It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.  I'm 6  months pregnant.  Being ignored & feeling lonely were only 2 of the many issues.   You are not alone feeling like the lonely single parent.  He made me feel the exact same way.

[Deeno02]

16 month r/s, broken up 2 months now. First 6 months were pretty good, we were a part of each others lives, yada, yada, yada. Long story short, she never was part of my life, I was a part of hers, as far as she would let me. Not much interest in my life, and she kept me on a short leash with hers. In the time together, I met her friends 4 times. Never did couples things, always her choice of restaurants, stuff like that. I like going to concerts... we never went, stuff like that. List goes on, I wrote a letter to her, I never sent it, but a line in it strikes a chord... ."I'm alone, even when I'm with you". That's what the r/s became, her r/s, not ours.

[vortex of confusion]

Now when I feel lonely... .I can do something about it. Call someone. Just go out.

Back then I was truly alone. Only having someone silently sitting in the room keeping me from living.

"BE QUIET. STOP TRAMPLING AROUND THE HOUSE."

That is huge and I hadn't really thought about that side of things. When he isn't here, I have a lot more freedom to find things to do. It is like he doesn't want to spend time with me but he doesn't want me to do anything either. I feel like he is only happy when I am sitting in my little spot on the couch. So, I wait until he is at work or in bed to accomplish things.

[vortex of confusion]

On another note, I've never understood grown men playing

Computer games. Especially those with kids. He sounds like a kid himself.

I have no problems with computer games. My problem is the way he hides in his computer games and is unemotionally available to me and the kids. I don't care about him being unavailable to me as much any more. I just hate watching him being totally checked out for his kids.

[Raybo48]

I think when the idealization stage is over and they start to delvalue you're pretty much detached from them emotionally.  How could you not feel alone at that point even in their presence?  I know I did.  When Id leave her place after a weekend and go back to my place where I was actually alone I felt more grounded, relieved in fact looking back on it now.  It's so toxic being around them and they are so needy, but like you said you feel more alone around him.  It totally makes sense.

[vortex of confusion]

That's exactly how I've felt the entire relationship.  When he was home he would ignore all of us & either watch tv in the bedroom, play with his cell phone or just fall asleep.  Never felt so lonely living with someone before in my entire life.  I couldn't get anything accomplished around the house either & god forbid he would help.  Only after an intense argument would he help out or even interact. Probably out of fear that I would leave.    It's over now though & it's for good.  It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.  I'm 6  months pregnant.  Being ignored & feeling lonely were only 2 of the many issues.   You are not alone feeling like the lonely single parent.  He made me feel the exact same way.

Sending you a great big hug!  

I know how it feels to be pregnant. I was lucky in that my husband would give me lots of attention when I was pregnant. Of course, I don't feel like it was attention where he was truly checked in. It was more like he worshipped me when I was pregnant.   If I could handle having more kids, there are times when I wish I could be pregnant again because I miss the way he used to be when I was pregnant and nursing.

[vortex of confusion]

I think when the idealization stage is over and they start to delvalue you're pretty much detached from them emotionally.  How could you not feel alone at that point even in their presence?  I know I did.  When Id leave her place after a weekend and go back to my place where I was actually alone I felt more grounded, relieved in fact looking back on it now.  It's so toxic being around them and they are so needy, but like you said you feel more alone around him.  It totally makes sense.

I won't deny that there have been good times but there are times when I wonder if he didn't start devaluing me the minute we said "I do." I sometimes feel like I have had a complete mind f**k because it feels like he devalued me while painting me white all at the same. It is odd to feel idolized and devalued simultaneously.

[ajr5679]

I was so addicted to her that I lost myself in her, but I remember one day feeling so alone because my life was her life. I am better with out her. my bills are paid and I don`t have drama in my life .I still long for my drug but it does get better.

[Popcorn71]

That is huge and I hadn't really thought about that side of things. When he isn't here, I have a lot more freedom to find things to do. It is like he doesn't want to spend time with me but he doesn't want me to do anything either. I feel like he is only happy when I am sitting in my little spot on the couch. So, I wait until he is at work or in bed to accomplish things.

I had exactly the same experience.  My ex was always out or doing something other than spending time with me and my kids.  But he wanted me to be home the whole time.  I made the excuse that the kids were mine not his, so it was up to me to do things with them.  I carried on like the single parent I had been before I was with him.  It wasn't until he left that I realised how lonely I had been when I was with him.  I have a much more active social life and more friends now.

What hurts me, is that now he is with the replacement, he is doing all those things I wanted him to do.  He hated my kids with a passion, but now he is doing all the family stuff with the replacement's grown up kids and grandchildren.  I just can't work out why he wouldn't put that effort in for me?

[fred6]

I think when the idealization stage is over and they start to delvalue you're pretty much detached from them emotionally.  How could you not feel alone at that point even in their presence?  I know I did.  When Id leave her place after a weekend and go back to my place where I was actually alone I felt more grounded, relieved in fact looking back on it now.  It's so toxic being around them and they are so needy, but like you said you feel more alone around him.  It totally makes sense.

You are correct Raybo48. Sometime around the time that I moved in with my ex I noticed a detachment that wasn't quite right. When we first started seeing each she told me that she was standoffish and didn't let people get close to her. She seemed to get more and more detached as time went on. I had a gut feeling the whole time. About 4-6 weeks before I caught her cheating and she split from me, I was at the grocery store and for some reason I picked up an apartment guide and put it in my glove compartment. At the time I wasn't planning on leaving her or moving, I just grabbed it on the way out of the store for some reason. I think deep down that I knew something wasn't right, yet I stayed and held out hope.

She wasn't needy in the traditional sense. It was more like an indirect neediness. She was always talking about her problems like she wanted my help and input. But something inside of her wouldn't let her accept my help. Although right now I am so alone, at least I know that I am alone and by myself. When I was living with her, I felt alone at times. But she was there with me, which made it worse because there was this person in my presence that I loved and wanted to be connected to but couldn't for some reason.

The last two months was the worst time of my life. After she split me, she totally shut down and treated me like a stranger that had done something really bad to her. Even when I asked her what I had done to make her treat me like this, she couldn't give me an answer. The best she could do was tell me that I had done nothing wrong. But yet, she continued to treat me like that. It's better now that I'm gone, but it's still hard as hell dealing with all of this. I really miss the person that I fell in love with, even though that person only existed for a small time.

[vortex of confusion]

What hurts me, is that now he is with the replacement, he is doing all those things I wanted him to do.  He hated my kids with a passion, but now he is doing all the family stuff with the replacement's grown up kids and grandchildren.  I just can't work out why he wouldn't put that effort in for me?

I know that pain as well. There was a point in our relationship where we were attempting to see other people. The week of our anniversary I asked him to plan a date. The kids and I had worked things out with my mother so childcare was taken care of for the day. All I asked him to do was plan a date. He did a half a@@ thing and said let's go to eat and go to the thrift stores but then he couldn't decide where to eat. The following week, one of his female email friends was going to be in town. He was so excited and was talking about the possibilities of where to go and what to do with her. He put in so much effort and got so excited. It was friggin' soul crushing to me. And that particular friend had a niece that lived with her. He was all the time telling me about how her niece was doing and what she was doing with her niece. Made me so unbelievably mad and hurt. Having an open relationship does NOT mean rubbing my nose in the fact that you find all of these other women so much more attractive and interesting than you find me.

[Raybo48]

I think when the idealization stage is over and they start to delvalue you're pretty much detached from them emotionally.  How could you not feel alone at that point even in their presence?  I know I did.  When Id leave her place after a weekend and go back to my place where I was actually alone I felt more grounded, relieved in fact looking back on it now.  It's so toxic being around them and they are so needy, but like you said you feel more alone around him.  It totally makes sense.

I won't deny that there have been good times but there are times when I wonder if he didn't start devaluing me the minute we said "I do." I sometimes feel like I have had a complete mind f**k because it feels like he devalued me while painting me white all at the same. It is odd to feel idolized and devalued simultaneously.

Its a total mind F*** and I had the same feelings.  Here was a girl constantly complaining that I didn't see her enough, love her enough, "make her #1" in my life, I was vain, arrogant,  blah blah blah. I was painted as white as a sheet at the same time though.  It's like if I'm so white why is there a laundry list of things that are so horrible about me that ate conveyed almost daily? I'd even ask her that and her response always was "because I love you".  I won't deny it either, there were some good times, but no way did they outweigh the crazy making behavior and chaos/drama.

[workinprogress]

16 month r/s, broken up 2 months now. First 6 months were pretty good, we were a part of each others lives, yada, yada, yada. Long story short, she never was part of my life, I was a part of hers, as far as she would let me. Not much interest in my life, and she kept me on a short leash with hers. In the time together, I met her friends 4 times. Never did couples things, always her choice of restaurants, stuff like that. I like going to concerts... we never went, stuff like that. List goes on, I wrote a letter to her, I never sent it, but a line in it strikes a chord... ."I'm alone, even when I'm with you". That's what the r/s became, her r/s, not ours.

We always did stuff with her friends and stuff that she wanted to do.  If I made plans something always seemed to happen that caused us to cancel them.  Or, her family would suddenly have plans and goof our plans up.

So, basically, everything that I wanted to do, I did by myself. 

I have been very lonely with her.

[workinprogress]

That's exactly how I've felt the entire relationship.  When he was home he would ignore all of us & either watch tv in the bedroom, play with his cell phone or just fall asleep.  Never felt so lonely living with someone before in my entire life.  I couldn't get anything accomplished around the house either & god forbid he would help.  Only after an intense argument would he help out or even interact. Probably out of fear that I would leave.    It's over now though & it's for good.  It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.  I'm 6  months pregnant.  Being ignored & feeling lonely were only 2 of the many issues.   You are not alone feeling like the lonely single parent.  He made me feel the exact same way.

Sending you a great big hug!  

I know how it feels to be pregnant. I was lucky in that my husband would give me lots of attention when I was pregnant. Of course, I don't feel like it was attention where he was truly checked in. It was more like he worshipped me when I was pregnant.   If I could handle having more kids, there are times when I wish I could be pregnant again because I miss the way he used to be when I was pregnant and nursing.

I was worshipped when my wife wanted a sperm donation, or a house, or a new car, or whatever.  Now that I am tapped out financially, not so much.

[myself]

The most alone I felt with her was when she'd be feeling like that wounded abandoned child she used to be, turning herself into a punitive parent to feel powerful while working on making ME a wounded child so she could feel relief. The pain and shame of this made us both withdraw. She would disappear for weeks to avoid her messes and play disordered games with whoever else. I went to a T, to help make sense of things and change the patterns in my life that were causing me such trouble. One of which was continuing to be in a r/s where someone acted like that, causing me to react like that. The loneliness came from realizing we were not as close as we said, wanted, or needed, and that it probably wasn't possible.

[Raybo48]

I think when the idealization stage is over and they start to delvalue you're pretty much detached from them emotionally.  How could you not feel alone at that point even in their presence?  I know I did.  When Id leave her place after a weekend and go back to my place where I was actually alone I felt more grounded, relieved in fact looking back on it now.  It's so toxic being around them and they are so needy, but like you said you feel more alone around him.  It totally makes sense.

You are correct Raybo48. Sometime around the time that I moved in with my ex I noticed a detachment that wasn't quite right. When we first started seeing each she told me that she was standoffish and didn't let people get close to her. She seemed to get more and more detached as time went on. I had a gut feeling the whole time. About 4-6 weeks before I caught her cheating and she split from me, I was at the grocery store and for some reason I picked up an apartment guide and put it in my glove compartment. At the time I wasn't planning on leaving her or moving, I just grabbed it on the way out of the store for some reason. I think deep down that I knew something wasn't right, yet I stayed and held out hope.

She wasn't needy in the traditional sense. It was more like an indirect neediness. She was always talking about her problems like she wanted my help and input. But something inside of her wouldn't let her accept my help. Although right now I am so alone, at least I know that I am alone and by myself. When I was living with her, I felt alone at times. But she was there with me, which made it worse because there was this person in my presence that I loved and wanted to be connected to but couldn't for some reason.

The last two months was the worst time of my life. After she split me, she totally shut down and treated me like a stranger that had done something really bad to her. Even when I asked her what I had done to make her treat me like this, she couldn't give me an answer. The best she could do was tell me that I had done nothing wrong. But yet, she continued to treat me like that. It's better now that I'm gone, but it's still hard as hell dealing with all of this. I really miss the person that I fell in love with, even though that person only existed for a small time.

The experience you write about here is very reminiscent.  We didn't live together, but what you explained about indirect neediness really hit home.  Constantly talking about problems and trying to put out fires she seemingly created yet when I offered sound advice or that answer was right there and I'd tell her it was like I wasn't in the room from the standpoint that she didn't hear me.  I mean she 'heard me', but she didn't process it at all.

I think the examples you've described and my own experiences are just more proof on how differently they think, and how differently they are wired from us.  The total ability to emotionally disconnect with no regard for who is in that room.  

I still stand by one very simple concept when it comes to my ex and I keep pounding it in my head when I miss her or am trying to stay NC. 'Words do not meet actions', ever.  For all her non traditional neediness, professing her love, none of those words met her actions time and time again.  It's pretty easy to feel alone in the room with them when that's going on.

[Bak86]

Actually no. I was addicted to her. Even though she sometimes gave me the feeling that she didn't want to be with me, i still liked it better than being alone. She even told me she hated the fact that i missed her when we were not together.

[fred6]

Actually no. I was addicted to her. Even though she sometimes gave me the feeling that she didn't want to be with me, i still liked it better than being alone. She even told me she hated the fact that i missed her when we were not together.

Even though we were emotionally detached. Everyday, I looked forward to seeing her at the end of the day. I told her this when she was breaking up with me and she looked disgusted and said, "yeah right, whatever". She was so cold. Even though there were problems and red flags, the end hit me so suddenly and with such force. I still ask myself daily. What the heck happened?

[Deeno02]

Actually no. I was addicted to her. Even though she sometimes gave me the feeling that she didn't want to be with me, i still liked it better than being alone. She even told me she hated the fact that i missed her when we were not together.

Even though we were emotionally detached. Everyday, I looked forward to seeing her at the end of the day. I told her this when she was breaking up with me and she looked disgusted and said, "yeah right, whatever". She was so cold. Even though there were problems and red flags, the end hit me so suddenly and with such force. I still ask myself daily. What the heck happened?

Why the hell are they so mean? My god, the things she said lefg me destroyed. .

[fred6]

Actually no. I was addicted to her. Even though she sometimes gave me the feeling that she didn't want to be with me, i still liked it better than being alone. She even told me she hated the fact that i missed her when we were not together.

Even though we were emotionally detached. Everyday, I looked forward to seeing her at the end of the day. I told her this when she was breaking up with me and she looked disgusted and said, "yeah right, whatever". She was so cold. Even though there were problems and red flags, the end hit me so suddenly and with such force. I still ask myself daily. What the heck happened?

Why the hell are they so mean? My god, the things she said lefg me destroyed. .

I don't know, but I had seen that side of her with other people. She always talked $hit about her friends and family members, then she would smile in their face while around them. I think that they love them some "drama" in their lives. I guess it was only a matter of time before the pendulum swung around to me. I'm slowly moving forward, but I still don't believe all of this happened the way it did, so surreal... .

[Deeno02]

Actually no. I was addicted to her. Even though she sometimes gave me the feeling that she didn't want to be with me, i still liked it better than being alone. She even told me she hated the fact that i missed her when we were not together.

Even though we were emotionally detached. Everyday, I looked forward to seeing her at the end of the day. I told her this when she was breaking up with me and she looked disgusted and said, "yeah right, whatever". She was so cold. Even though there were problems and red flags, the end hit me so suddenly and with such force. I still ask myself daily. What the heck happened?

Why the hell are they so mean? My god, the things she said lefg me destroyed. .

I don't know, but I had seen that side of her with other people. She always talked $hit about her friends and family members, then she would smile in their face while around them. I think that they love them some "drama" in their lives. I guess it was only a matter of time before the pendulum swung around to me. I'm slowly moving forward, but I still don't believe all of this happened the way it did, so surreal... .

Yep, I still have a problem with it. Moving forward, but its odd how i will be having a good time and out of the blue, boom, a bad moment pops in my head, deflating my mood instantly. While those are getting less, they still takes alot out of me.

[vortex of confusion]

She wasn't needy in the traditional sense. It was more like an indirect neediness. She was always talking about her problems like she wanted my help and input. But something inside of her wouldn't let her accept my help. Although right now I am so alone, at least I know that I am alone and by myself. When I was living with her, I felt alone at times. But she was there with me, which made it worse because there was this person in my presence that I loved and wanted to be connected to but couldn't for some reason.

Thank you for putting this into words for me. I could never quite figure out he could be so needy yet still hide in his computer games and books. That has been very confounding for me. This is helping to make sense of how he could be so needy yet still be checked out. His neediness seems to stem from wanting me to be available even if I am not interacting with him.

[fred6]

Actually no. I was addicted to her. Even though she sometimes gave me the feeling that she didn't want to be with me, i still liked it better than being alone. She even told me she hated the fact that i missed her when we were not together.

Even though we were emotionally detached. Everyday, I looked forward to seeing her at the end of the day. I told her this when she was breaking up with me and she looked disgusted and said, "yeah right, whatever". She was so cold. Even though there were problems and red flags, the end hit me so suddenly and with such force. I still ask myself daily. What the heck happened?

Why the hell are they so mean? My god, the things she said lefg me destroyed. .

I don't know, but I had seen that side of her with other people. She always talked $hit about her friends and family members, then she would smile in their face while around them. I think that they love them some "drama" in their lives. I guess it was only a matter of time before the pendulum swung around to me. I'm slowly moving forward, but I still don't believe all of this happened the way it did, so surreal... .

i will be having a good time and out of the blue, boom, a bad moment pops in my head, deflating my mood instantly. While those are getting less, they still takes alot out of me.

You too, huh? Mine seem to be worst when I'm just about to doze off and I'm just about asleep. And for some reason the thought of new supply mounted up on top of my ex pops into my head. My eyes immediately pop open and I get some sort of adrenaline burst and my heart flutters or something. It's kind of weird.

[vortex of confusion]

The loneliness came from realizing we were not as close as we said, wanted, or needed, and that it probably wasn't possible.

I have been wondering about this. I know that we have had discussions about how perfect we are for each other but it has perplexed me because being perfect for each other should mean that we are BOTH getting our needs met. I know that something that has been said is that we are both so weird that nobody else would want either one of us. I think it was said by both of us at one time or another.

I forget which forum it was posted in but there is a Youtube video called Intimacy is not the same as closeness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jxja6vpBPDk

That helped me to see why would could be so enmeshed and attached yet still feel like there was a lack of closeness or intimacy. I am still trying to wrap my mind around it all. I have friends that I don't talk to hardly at all but feel like there is a certain level of closeness and intimacy (emotional) that I don't think has ever been truly achieved with my husband. I have been wracking my brain and analyzing the different relationships that I have had over the years (romantic and non-romantic/friends). I think the closeness, etc. comes from having a reciprocal relationship. I hardly ever talk to my dad any more yet I feel pretty close to him. Same with other friends and family. I can hang out with them and feel close to them whether they are paying attention to me or not.