Don't go on their FB.

[allenv3]

   Just some friendly advice. 

Resist all temptation.  It has probably been posted before.  I'll say it again.

Like Master Yoda says: "Pain & suffering you will find there... ."

DONT DO IT!

[trappedinlove]

The pain and suffering are within you me friend.

Their Facebook activity merely triggers it.

It is possible you are not ready to deal with the pain arising from being exposed to their FB but just running away from it unfortunately will not magically remove the underlying reasons causing your pain.

When dealing with post-trauma careful and controlled re-exposure to the trauma triggers can be used as a tool for desensitization and coping with the root causes for the pain and resulting dysfunction. 

So make sure you are not just running away from your pain by avoiding the trigger.

Just my 2 cents... .

TIL

[SickofMe]

Red Flag Just some friendly advice. 

Resist all temptation.  It has probably been posted before.  I'll say it again.

Like Master Yoda says: "Pain & suffering you will find there... ."

DONT DO IT!

Agree, especially if you suspect they are sending you smoke-signals.  Some may say this is a figment of an overactive imagination, but they are incorrect.  I know this for a fact because I'm guilty of the same kind of behavior.  I've sworn off the FB because it was like reading tea-leaves and a lot of the passive/aggressive messages hurt.  The ones that didn't--messed with my emotions.

When dealing with post-trauma careful and controlled re-exposure to the trauma triggers can be used as a tool for desensitization and coping with the root causes for the pain and resulting dysfunction. 

So make sure you are not just running away from your pain by avoiding the trigger.

This might work if the before-mentioned game playing isn't employed.  I wouldn't risk it, myself.  I need a break, first, to allow my limbic system some recovery time. YMMV

[Raybo48]

  Just some friendly advice. 

Resist all temptation.  It has probably been posted before.  I'll say it again.

Like Master Yoda says: "Pain & suffering you will find there... ."

DONT DO IT!

While I 100% agree with this I will be the first to say I was the biggest offender.  When I was cut out of her life I stayed in her life through FB.  It was a huge mistake and caused nothing but pain and heart ache for me.  She also knew I was looking at her FB so every so often would post one of those 'inspirational' quotes about something directly related to me.  I wasn't just guessing she was doing that either because when she did come around and talk to me every once in a while and I'd ask her about it and she would admit it and tell me she could put anything she wanted on there  because it was "her wall". 

NC means 'no contact'... No pictures, no Social Media, no Phone, no Email.

I am on day 6 of NC, which includes her FB. 

[Raybo48]

The pain and suffering are within you me friend.

Their Facebook activity merely triggers it.

It is possible you are not ready to deal with the pain arising from being exposed to their FB but just running away from it unfortunately will not magically remove the underlying reasons causing your pain.

When dealing with post-trauma careful and controlled re-exposure to the trauma triggers can be used as a tool for desensitization and coping with the root causes for the pain and resulting dysfunction. 

So make sure you are not just running away from your pain by avoiding the trigger.

Just my 2 cents... .

TIL

While I see what you are trying to say here I tend to look at my ex as my emotional captor. I don't think there are many members who would disagree with the fact that us non's were emotionally abused in some way either unintentionally or intentionally by our exBPD so the notion to reacquaint myself with her slowly over time through any medium is like reacquainting myself with the prison guard who abused me when I was being held behind bars. 

The pain does lie within, but I'm hopeful there are other ways to heal/grow/learn without contacting the main trigger.

[Bak86]

Yeah it's not a good idea to check on their fb. Usually a big trigger. I actually just checked her FB, because of this thread. Wanted to see if it still effects me. Turns out it doesn't. Hooray.

[peiper]

I checked my ex's a few weeks ago and the first thing that popped in my head was God why would you want that back.  That's when I knew I was much better.

[Zpinal]

She's not my problem anymore. I think she has me blocked anyway. I was not using FB in any way offensive but a couple of tags pics with a common friend had her triggered and that reached the final phase of the cycle (idealization, devaluation, dumped, discarded) Oh well, I guess her life isn't as «great» as she pretends to be everytime she finds the «man of her life». LOL

But I do agree in the first few days or weeks post b/u. Its best not to look and focus on yourself. I am guilty to have peaked the first few days and it hurts like hell to see her «happy» with the replacement while I was left suffering and confused about what the heck happens. almost 3 months post b/u now (relationship lasted only 4 months) I am moving on. I emerged out of this a better man. Looking back, she dumped me just in time because any longer in that kind of r/s and I would have been much more of a mess than I was when she left.

I accepted the fact that there will be no closure and I tried to have a normal and stable relationship with a very ill and unstable person. I gave it my best and some outside facts probably triggered her fears faster with me than others. I have quite a few friends working in the health and mental health field. My guess is she felt threatened and knew damn well my friends would mess up her little game.

To stay on topic, if you peak at your ex FB and it affects you, do yourself a favor and dont look, like a million post on this board, block your ex from social media and focus on yourself.

[Emelie Emelie]

What is with this "blocking" thing?  Control?  I had a nasty interaction with my exBF a month or so ago. Ended with me saying I never wanted to see or hear from him again. (He dumped me. But I understand how that triggers a Borderline). A few weeks later he goes on a text rage at me and says he is blocking my number. I hadn't been calling or texting. As it happened he didn't. But he's threatened it before.

[Raybo48]

What is with this "blocking" thing?  Control?  I had a nasty interaction with my exBF a month or so ago. Ended with me saying I never wanted to see or hear from him again. (He dumped me. But I understand how that triggers a Borderline). A few weeks later he goes on a text rage at me and says he is blocking my number. I hadn't been calling or texting. As it happened he didn't. But he's threatened it before.

I've been blocked on FB from my ex I can't tell you how many times. She also blocked my phone number only to unblock it a few weeks later.  When she unblocked my phone number she sent a text immediately and I texted back (this was in June of this year) and she complained right away that I was texting and didn't call her immediately when I found out I was no longer blocked. What the heck... .  Yea, I guess it's control... Maybe since they have no control over how they act or behave 90% of the time they try to control others around them and social media and other sources are all part of it. 

[Butterfly44]

Ok... .so mine is a little different. I don't have access to her FB at all so I can't see anything as to what is going on in her life. The thing is, as I've mentioned before on here, she deactivated her account over a year ago when we were still "friends" stating she was tired of the hassle from people on there & she wanted to be "committed" to our relationship. She has completely cut me out of her life but I recently saw her back on FB & was really shocked that she had decided to reopen her account. The thing is, turns out she is deactivating & activating her account whenever she feels like it & it's actually "her" who is looking at "my" FB when she thinks I'm not around (times she thinks I'm at work etc... .) she still has us as "friends" on there I noticed so whenever she wants to take a look, she can see everything. I caught her once & tried to quickly block her but she had already gone by the time I scrolled down to the blocking page. I've no idea what it's about or why she's doing this... .she knows she can dip into my life without me knowing whenever she feels like it & there's nothing I can do about it unless we're both on FB at exactly the same time. I feel it's a control thing... .as in I'm not to know anything about what she's doing but she'll damn well know what's happening in mine to some extent. I find it really weird when she was the one who left me & has refused any other form of contact. I don't want to know what she's doing but doing this with my FB seems like yet another control game to her. It's hard for me to know this when I'm trying to heal.

[Raybo48]

Ok... .so mine is a little different. I don't have access to her FB at all so I can't see anything as to what is going on in her life. The thing is, as I've mentioned before on here, she deactivated her account over a year ago when we were still "friends" stating she was tired of the hassle from people on there & she wanted to be "committed" to our relationship. She has completely cut me out of her life but I recently saw her back on FB & was really shocked that she had decided to reopen her account. The thing is, turns out she is deactivating & activating her account whenever she feels like it & it's actually "her" who is looking at "my" FB when she thinks I'm not around (times she thinks I'm at work etc... .) she still has us as "friends" on there I noticed so whenever she wants to take a look, she can see everything. I caught her once & tried to quickly block her but she had already gone by the time I scrolled down to the blocking page. I've no idea what it's about or why she's doing this... .she knows she can dip into my life without me knowing whenever she feels like it & there's nothing I can do about it unless we're both on FB at exactly the same time. I feel it's a control thing... .as in I'm not to know anything about what she's doing but she'll damn well know what's happening in mine to some extent. I find it really weird when she was the one who left me & has refused any other form of contact. I don't want to know what she's doing but doing this with my FB seems like yet another control game to her. It's hard for me to know this when I'm trying to heal.

Very interesting and yea it sounds like she's definitely trying to keep tabs on you.  First off I'd go into your settings and make her an 'acquaintance'  (I don't think it matter if she deactivated her account because she should still show up as a friend with no profile pic)  and change it so acquaintances can't see anything friends can until you can just defriend her or block her.   

Don't get the impression she's just looking at you on there either. I'd be willing to bet she's checking out every female friend you have on there and trying to look at their pages as well. My ex did that all the time. We'd be in casual conversation and she mention some female friend of mine on fb and her comments would lead me to believe that she was definitely looking at her page.  She comment on her looks, or her posts, even her friends!  I was always accused of being a "stalker" when she found out I was looking at her page after she defriended me yet she did that kind of stuff.  Just a typical BPD projecting.

Yea, you do need to heal and it sounds like she's kind of painting you white again.  Maybe whoever was in her life is gone or she doesn't have enough N-supply at the moment.  Prep yourself for a recycle because in my experience nothing is random with them and there is always an end game when it comes to this nonsense.

[Butterfly44]

Hello Raybo my friend from far away... .you were the first person I spoke to on here. How are you doing? I hope things are getting a little better for you? 

You have said exactly what I was thinking but I didn't once consider that she would also be checking out all my other female friends too?   So, of course if they've had a conversation with me and their account isn't secure, she'll be looking at whatever she can I suppose or checking if there's anyone new on the scene. I also haven't looked at my friends list in a very long time; it had never occurred to me that she would be there without a profile picture? That must be a new feature as I always thought all this time that I would have to catch her so to speak online at the same time as me. Funnily enough, she has mentioned things in the past about things and people and I'd often wondered how she's known plus she's asked me about certain people on my FB before and if I've ever had a "thing" for them. It's all about secrecy though; finding things out and thinking it's clever or something. She used to love throwing comments at me and testing me with things she already knew by snooping to see if I'd answer "correctly"... .totally screwed up if you ask me. I don't think she'll contact me (not after having me arrested) but I think she's probably bored and enjoying the ability to look secretly and be "part of my life" in a very underhand way; for now at least. Not now I know how to deny that access thanks to you Raybo... .Thanks; I appreciate that 

[fred6]

Hello Raybo my friend from far away... .you were the first person I spoke to on here. How are you doing? I hope things are getting a little better for you? 

You have said exactly what I was thinking but I didn't once consider that she would also be checking out all my other female friends too?   So, of course if they've had a conversation with me and their account isn't secure, she'll be looking at whatever she can I suppose or checking if there's anyone new on the scene. I also haven't looked at my friends list in a very long time; it had never occurred to me that she would be there without a profile picture? That must be a new feature as I always thought all this time that I would have to catch her so to speak online at the same time as me. Funnily enough, she has mentioned things in the past about things and people and I'd often wondered how she's known plus she's asked me about certain people on my FB before and if I've ever had a "thing" for them. It's all about secrecy though; finding things out and thinking it's clever or something. She used to love throwing comments at me and testing me with things she already knew by snooping to see if I'd answer "correctly"... .totally screwed up if you ask me. I don't think she'll contact me (not after having me arrested) but I think she's probably bored and enjoying the ability to look secretly and be "part of my life" in a very underhand way; for now at least. Not now I know how to deny that access thanks to you Raybo... .Thanks; I appreciate that 

She still should be on your friends list and you should have the option to remove her. I just had a person on my friends list deactivate their account and somewhere it gave me the option to remove them. I don't remember where though.

[SeaShellz]

I deleted my Facebook to help with resisting to look at my exBF's page. The first time we split up like this I tortured myself uncontrollably by looking a few times a day. He'd share sayings that were obviously about me and always were accusing of me hurting him when he was the one to leave. This time I'm trying to watch myself instead of him. Besides I've been hurt enough... .I don't want to hurt myself anymore.

[Raybo48]

Hello Raybo my friend from far away... .you were the first person I spoke to on here. How are you doing? I hope things are getting a little better for you? 

You have said exactly what I was thinking but I didn't once consider that she would also be checking out all my other female friends too?   So, of course if they've had a conversation with me and their account isn't secure, she'll be looking at whatever she can I suppose or checking if there's anyone new on the scene. I also haven't looked at my friends list in a very long time; it had never occurred to me that she would be there without a profile picture? That must be a new feature as I always thought all this time that I would have to catch her so to speak online at the same time as me. Funnily enough, she has mentioned things in the past about things and people and I'd often wondered how she's known plus she's asked me about certain people on my FB before and if I've ever had a "thing" for them. It's all about secrecy though; finding things out and thinking it's clever or something. She used to love throwing comments at me and testing me with things she already knew by snooping to see if I'd answer "correctly"... .totally screwed up if you ask me. I don't think she'll contact me (not after having me arrested) but I think she's probably bored and enjoying the ability to look secretly and be "part of my life" in a very underhand way; for now at least. Not now I know how to deny that access thanks to you Raybo... .Thanks; I appreciate that 

Hey Butterfly44!  I'm doing ok, a slight improvement over the last week or two.  Today is day 6 of NC and I don't plan on contact ever again with her since she threatened a restraining order last Monday.  She lives in AZ and I'm in the Chicago area, she contacted me two weeks ago, got rejected and I send one text on Monday and she's going to restrain me?  These people are unbelievable to put it mildly.  Still going through the typical withdrawals from being addicted to her personality, but trying to keep busy and gain strength from this forum and weekly visits with my T.

What you have described your ex doing hits home.  Knowing the answers before she even asked them half the time when it came to Face Book especially.   I had defriended her way back when we were dating/fighting and didn't realize my twitter account (really don't use twitter often at all) was tied to my Facebook so she was scoping out my Twitter account to keep tabs on me.  She also checked out my ex-wife's LinkedIn account and even told me so.  My exBPD had many traits that are typical and she had no shortage of INSANE jealousy, and much of it came from Facebook when she'd see me commenting on a post of one of my friends on there. Then she would take it upon herself to dive into their page if she could see them and blindside me with questions later on.  I don't even look at my close friends pages and just look at the news feed most of the time, but not her.  She dove right into their page all-the-time.  And I'm the one who needs a restraining order placed on me? Yea, ok.

I still wouldn't be surprised if she contacted you.  You'd be amazed at the crazy things mine did too me if I told you and then she'd come back around weeks/months later and completely justify her actions and expect me to just forget about it. The restraining order threat is new even for her though so maybe she won't contact me again, but I won't hold my breath.

I hope your ex does leave you alone, but cutting her off from snooping may cause her to find another outlet.  Hopefully not.