if your xpwBPD had children...

[SickofMe]

I read this thread:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=235807.0

and it made me think of some things that I noticed in my r/s.

A lot of what we read says that BPD are volatile parents,  neglectful and abusive, but I didn't see that in my ex at all--the opposite in fact.

He has a 16 year old son and a 13 year old daughter.  He idealizes them to the moon, and I mean--seriously.  He will do completely inappropriate things for them--by most people's standards--and his line is always, "well, they are such good kids."

As an example:

His son was failing all of his classes because he stays up all night (as in, until 3-4 a.m.) playing video games every night, and was depressed/anxious about school because he was not successful.   A new version of some game came out, and exBF took him to stand in line and wait for its release... .at midnight, on a school night.  I didn't say anything, but this seems so obvious to me, bad idea!

He would allow his daughter to go to the mall, as a 12-year-old, in full, heavy makeup, dressed as a much older child--and she developed early, looks much older than her age.  He would drop her off with friends and they would spend up to 7-8 hours at the mall, with no adult supervision at all.  I mean, really?  Who does this?  In my mind, it was really risky to do that--she looked 18, but was actually 12, emotionally and mentally.  Isn't that just asking for someone to prey on her?

I could give chapters of examples of his complete lack of boundaries or structure with his kids, but those are examples.

His reasoning for allowing his children to have/do whatever they want was always, "well, they are really good kids."

I did like his kids:  they are nice, intelligent, attractive, etc., so I don't want to come off like I was biased against them or anything... .but I found his behavior alarming.  They had no rules at all, no structure (as in bedtime, or mealtime, etc.)  His son became depressed, sleep-deprived, failing academically, appeared to develop an eating disorder (became rail thin after being a chubby pre-teen), and started cutting himself.

Still, exBF never reflects on his parenting, waits on his kids hand and foot, even when they are at their mother's he is at their beck and call... .will drop anything to deliver them a fast-food meal, for instance--even late at night.

I wonder if anyone else saw things like this with an ex who was a parent?  I found it hard to reconcile the fact that he loves and adores his kids, but fails to "parent" them with any authority. They are peers, in his mind.

Once, I asked him if he behaves this way because it's his parenting philosophy, or because he can't stand conflict.  His response was:  it is probably a little of both.

Anyone have any thoughts or observations?  Is this just a different way of approaching parenting (i.e. permissive) or a sign of disorder?  I should say, I am not a very strict or authoritarian parent, myself.  

[Whiteytheox72]

Sounds exactly like my ex. She lived vicariously through her daughters and often boasted about them testing at a genius level. Sadly those girls were raising themselves. They were in one room while their mom was sleeping with her cousin and engaging in bondage activities in the next. Her son she bragged about his musical talent and his smarts as well. He told me she ruined his life and ruins others lives. The more I learn about this disorder the more it breaks my heart for the children involved.

[fred6]

My ex did this. She would give her kids anything they wanted. When she ran into problems with them she basically ignored them. Her 17 yo son has been arrested twice in the past 2 years. He faced no consequences from her. Her 3 year old daughter was terrible when I first met her. When I came around and set some boundaries with the kids. At first she was ok with it. Then she started telling me that I was mean and controlling towards them. Slowly as time went on her daughter started doing better. My ex even told me many times that, "she's doing better since you've been here". Both of the kids knew how to manipulate her to get what they wanted on a consistent basis.

I think that giving them everything they want made her feel like a good parent. I remember a couple times when people asked if she was going to buy something for herself. Her reply was, "Girl I can't afford that, all my money goes to my kids". Bull$hit, you don't have to buy your kids everything they want. Hell, every time her and her daughter left the house for anything, her daughter would come back with candy, cookies, and all sorts of sweets. This was everyday. Not to mention that she would eat out 7-10 times a week. She couldn't grasp how much money all of that adds up to by the end of the month.

She would rather be friends with her kids than a parent to them. There were many times that she told me that it's just easier to give them what they want than it is to argue with them. She painted her son black and kicked him out right before she cheated on me and split me black. She called him a piece of $hit and that he's never moving back in with her. She told him on the phone, "If I never see you again, I don't care" and "If you died tomorrow, I wouldn't even miss you". This weighed on her heavily and I think it has a lot to do with why she did what she did to me. In the end, after she cheated on me and kicked me to the curb. She painted her son white again and he moved back in with a homeless friend of his. I feel so sorry for her 6 yo daughter. Even though me and her daughter didn't get along at first, 3 years later she was hugging my leg, crying, and begging me not to leave when I was moving out. That poor little girl is going to wind up worse than her mother, so sad... .

[Whiteytheox72]

Thats exactly it the kids end up worse. Last time I saw my ex's 13 year old daughter she had that blank look in her eyes. My friends that were in the service call it the thousand meter stare. No 13 year old should have the thousand meter stare.

[LazyAtoms]

My SO's exuBPDw is a lot like this.   They have one SS7.  She lost primary custody awhile back, but her parenting philosophy, which she has stated in numerous ways, is that SS should be able to do whatever he wants, he should make all the decisions that affect him, and that he shouldn't have to do anything that he doesn't want to do if it upsets him.   Last year he started refusing to go to school (separation anxiety, worried about mom who was regularly flipping out emotionally), and she wouldn't take him, said he shouldn't have to go.   She doesn't actually take any interest in him or his life when she doesn't have him (which is most of the time now), but when she does, she just buys him.   There are no boundaries, he sleeps with her, she lets him stay up as long as he likes, lets him watch inappropriate shows, etc.  She thinks it is really cute and clever to treat him like a little adult or friend.  She tells him about her dating life.  Yuck! Luckily SO has primary custody now so he is largely insulated from all this crap.

[Tater tot]

Much like LazyAtoms, my ex's child was under the age of 12. While a great kid, my ex established very few, if any, boundaries. He treated his daughter like an adult, allowed her to make decisions regarding what they would do for the day, what she would eat, etc. His daughter was also sharing the same bed with him, and he always refers to her as his best friend.

[fred6]

My SO's exuBPDw is a lot like this.   They have one SS7.  She lost primary custody awhile back, but her parenting philosophy, which she has stated in numerous ways, is that SS should be able to do whatever he wants, he should make all the decisions that affect him, and that he shouldn't have to do anything that he doesn't want to do if it upsets him.   Last year he started refusing to go to school (separation anxiety, worried about mom who was regularly flipping out emotionally), and she wouldn't take him, said he shouldn't have to go.   She doesn't actually take any interest in him or his life when she doesn't have him (which is most of the time now), but when she does, she just buys him.   There are no boundaries, he sleeps with her, she lets him stay up as long as he likes, lets him watch inappropriate shows, etc.  She thinks it is really cute and clever to treat him like a little adult or friend.  She tells him about her dating life.  Yuck! Luckily SO has primary custody now so he is largely insulated from all this crap.

Yes. My ex's daughter slept with her when I moved in. She was only 3 at the time, so I don't find it all that strange. However after I moved it, I told her that there was not room in the bed for all 3 of us. So she started getting her daughter to sleep in her own room. I have a feeling that her daughter is back sleeping with her in the bed since I've moved out. She's 6-1/2 now. My ex admitted to me that her son slept in the bed with her until he was 11-12. Now that's effin weird if you ask me. There are no boundaries with her kids.

My ex doesn't cook. Her daughter lives on instant mac & cheese and sugary cereal.

[SickofMe]

WOW!  The sleeping with children thing, whoa.

My ex slept with both of his daughters.  To tell the truth, I didn't think it was all that weird, just an alternative type thing, co-sleeping, however--I thought it was weird when it continued after his older daughter started menstruating and grew breasts.  Um... .that is just weird/wrong, especially in the absence of a wife/girlfriend, etc.

I tried to approach it obliquely--said, you know, you might want to rethink that.  If your ex decides she's mad at you, she could use it against you in court.

At that point, he denied that he was still sleeping with his older daughter.  But I knew that wasn't true, bc she had no bed in her room at that point and he didn't even have a room... .they all flopped on a mattress on the floor in the living room.

SS should be able to do whatever he wants, he should make all the decisions that affect him, and that he shouldn't have to do anything that he doesn't want to do if it upsets him.   Last year he started refusing to go to school (separation anxiety, worried about mom who was regularly flipping out emotionally), and she wouldn't take him, said he shouldn't have to go.   She doesn't actually take any interest in him or his life when she doesn't have him (which is most of the time now), but when she does, she just buys him.   There are no boundaries, he sleeps with her, she lets him stay up as long as he likes, lets him watch inappropriate shows, etc.  She thinks it is really cute and clever to treat him like a little adult or friend.  She tells him about her dating life.  Yuck!

All of this, ditto.  His oldest was having serious issues, school refusal, anxiety, etc.  I think about half the time ex and his xw just allowed him to stay home when he'd pitch a big enough tantrum (which ex called a "panic attack," I have no doubt it was triggered by anxiety but these were not "panic attacks," duh!)  They changed their tune when they were warned by the school the authorities would be next, they might have to go to court.

I'm not a perfect parent, either, but over time it started to dawn on me that there was no room for me in a r/s where the children have taken the roles of "significant others" and are treated as peers/ adults.  I can't stand it when people do this with their kids, so sad and unfair.

[LazyAtoms]

For SO's ex, she is not mean or abusive to SS, but her parenting behavior is definitely weird and inappropriate. Someone on this site described it perfectly in another thread: her child serves as a need-fulfillment object for her, (in the year that SO has had primary custody, she has asked to see him outside of her custody time all of 4 times- when SHE was lonely and not dating someone) or as an extension of herself.  If he is upset by something, she cannot analyze how to work him through it, or help him develop resiliency, she runs away from the situation, so she doesn't have to experience it, or demands that he be allowed to do what he wants, even if it isn't healthy for him in the long run.   This is because she projects her anxiety about the situation onto him.  There have been numerous occasions where she was fighting with her new husband (soon to be ex also, haha) or her parents, and she would tell us that SS was SO upset by this, but when we would ask SS about it later, he was like "Whatever".  I don't think she sees him as an individual with needs separate from hers.  She also has object constancy issues with him too.  When SS is not with her, she never calls him, hardly asks to see him, never asks about school, his friends, how he is doing, nothing.  Its like he doesn't exist when he isn't with her.  But of course she always makes pronouncements about how he is the only thing she lives for.   

[fred6]

I know my ex loves her kids. But there is something not right about the dynamic. Her 6 yo daughter is in some activity every year. Soccer, chearleading, balet, girl scouts, etc. I see no problem with any of that. But add birthday parties and other kid activities. Where is the time for your partner? Not to mention she would enroll her child in these activities even if she didn't have the money to do it. She would get behind on bills so that she could spend money on her kids.

Her 17 year old son gets her to clip his toenails and he gets her to fix his baked potato with all the toppings. Aren't these things that a 17 yo male should be able to do for himself.  I once told her that she can't keep doing every thing for her kids and spoiling them. Her reply, "I'm their mother, it's my job to spoil them".

Not to mention all of the inspirational Facebook quotes about how much her children mean to her. I mean good god, she posts that crap everyday. I think everyone on Facebook gets it, "you love your kids". Give it a rest, you don't have to advertize that you love your kids, it's expected as a parent. It's like she knows that she's a bad parent and she has to try and convince herself and everyone else that she's a good parent by spoiling her kids and posting on FB about them. It's like she lives through her kids because she is so empty inside.

[clydegriffith]

The BPDx has 4 kids with 3 guys under 6 years old, one of which is mine. When i am presented with the question "is she a good mother?" it's kind of difficult ot answer. She interacts well with all the kids. If life were just a bubble with her and the kids then i would be more inclined to say yes, she is a good mother. However, given the erratic behavior in her realtionships has cost her custody of two of the kids and have had them all move around from place to place every year or so, i don't believe she can be called a good mother in the grand scheme of things.

[Pingo]

My ex was opposite with his children, I think he was a bit militarian with them.  They were grown when I met him so just going on what I've been told.  The oldest (son) won't have anything to do with him now, he's so fed up with his behaviour.  The daughter is trying to have a r/s with her Dad but I think because she is in conflict with her brother and wants to take her Dad's side. 

[SickofMe]

A lot of this seems really familiar.

I meant to type earlier (but forgot, I guess), that my ex's children have expensive clothes, shoes, smartphones, computers, etc... .meanwhile he takes thousands of dollars from his elderly mother every month to pay for all of this and his child support.  She has no idea that the kids' mom doesn't provide anything for them and is under the impression the child support is not changeable/modifiable.  I'm sure my ex would justify this:  "but they are such good kids."