Havoc Wife

[Johnn7]

Hi Every1

Thank you for this site , it has made me much wiser and have grip on my situation.

My marriage of 2 years has been the most difficult time of my life.

I have been for marriage counseling(she doesn't listen to counselors) and personal counseling(made me feel much more easy on myself).

My wife is just to difficult , stubborn, ill mannered , ill tempered demanding... .I can go on.

The effect of this marriage has crushed me inside I feel like my emotions have been dumped into a blender.

We are separated now , I feel better without her.

No more having to look out for her manipulation , no more angry person with me all the time... .

My mind tells me to run as fast as I can , but I am feeling so alone and I feel so hurt to think that I still Love her no matter what she put me through.

I am having such hard time to decide weather to make separation permanent or give in to the love and hope and pray for good times(yet I know the good times are only when she wants something, have identified it countless times)

I know I cant change her, but how do I let go , how do I try convince myself that I deserve better.

Iv put so much into the marriage yet I received so little out , I feel so betrayed.

[Perdita]

Hi Johnn 

How long have you been separated? It sounds like you are much better since the separation.  I don't know what to tell you when it comes to letting go.  It is something we are all struggling with.  The Leaving Board will probably be able to help you out more on that particular one.  It doesn't sound like your wife is ready to listen to anyone or to try and make changes.  I guess the real question is whether or not you can handle more of the same should you reunite with her.

[Aussie0zborn]

Hi Johnn. This is a crucial time in your life and any decisions should be based on fact rather than emotions.  Unfortunately praying does not cure BPD.

You have described a huge difference in yourself. Why would you want to go back to a life of abuse and manipulation?

The pain your feel right now eases with time.  Things like exercise, new activities etc help to put it behind you. Going back shows her how easily you can be manipulated so the manipulation will often be worse. In my case, she was hell bent on revenge for leaving her after I had promised to never leave her... .you know the story. You left her for a reason - it's not going to change if you go back and yes you do deserve better.

Find the strength to say no to abuse. Use this time to get to know yourself and where you went wrong. Build yourself up so you can heal sooner rather than later.

[jadedcat]

Leaving is hard. I just moved out, after more than a decade. Emotionally, I feel very sad, very lonely - like you. I was her primary caretaker during her worst periods of depression and now I also feel guilt that I am not there to help her.

To counter that, I do several things you might already be doing:

1) find ways to relax. Walks help. Of course, reaching out to friends is very beneficial.

2) remind myself of the constant stress and anxiety I felt around her. Any good period - any fun, lighthearted weekend away or dinner out – would be followed by her dropping into a dark state, either prickly and agitated, depressed and hiding in bed, or just plain angry. It was so predictable that I spent the good times in a state of panic myself, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You are out. You deserve to be happy. Life is short. Take care of yourself first. Promise yourself that you will try this for a set period of time. During that time, try to minimize contact. If you are feeling lonely and missing her greatly, call a friend. Do not call her at those times.

The pain and sadness will decrease. The realization that you are no longer living under this shadow of darkness will grow.

[maxen]

hi johnn7.

how do I try convince myself that I deserve better.

this is a really fundamental question. the trait of not thinking you deserve better characteristic of many who come to this board. it's one i've had to face myself over the time since my wife bolted. so you're not alone!

the belief, the real, deep belief that you deserve decency and should act on getting it, isn't gained overnight. i was thrown into such derangement by my wife's actions that i faced a pretty stark decision, either survive or not. i held on but couldn't hold onto the FOGgy attitudes i had before, which led to this horror. so in little interactions - workplace interactions, family interactions - i have had positive re-inforcement of healthier practices.

this goes to basic issues, likely early life experience/family of origin issues, and really is the work of therapy. do you have a counselor?

[Johnn7]

Thank you for the Reply Perdita,Aussie,Jadecat and Maxen

Its two months now since we apart. Yes mentally I feel huge difference. Also I picked up on her mind games and manipulation easier now.

One of the things I really cant understand is the compulsive lying, even when I have facts she would have excuses. Even now when I confront her on the phone she will deflect or have excuse.

You right Aussie when it comes to facts I think of the time together and every outing I can remember anger or manipulation or threats.

Iv never been able to have a really loving and connecting conversation with her ever. Separation didn't make her soften up or anything either. Councilors intervening didn't help us.   

On myself iv been much more relaxed , I can do things I wasn't "allowed" to now, like just go take a drive. Go home late ... .

Not having to censor my thoughts or words anymore.

No more endless hour less shopping sprees. (Because things make her feel better)

At work I can concentrate better.

It makes me feel better that the hurt is normal and that everyone goes through it.

I guess feeling lonely better then being abused all the time.

Yes I have a personal councilor. Since the separation I haven't spoken to her.

Thank you for the Help everyone.

[jadedcat]

I'm in the same position, having left a week ago. Saw my therapist yesterday and she couldn't believe how much better I seemed. I had spent the weekend relaxed. No stress. No worries about every word I said. No guilt. I just enjoyed my time on my own and spent time with my kids and some friends.

Confirmation that the move I made, as difficult as it was, was the right one for me. I hope you continue to recover.

[Perdita]

One of the things I really cant understand is the compulsive lying, even when I have facts she would have excuses. Even now when I confront her on the phone she will deflect or have excuse.

This gets to me too.  I don't understand the need to constantly lie even about the most insignificant things. Confrontation never seems to help, because then they become self-righteous and tell you that YOU are out of line, not the boss of them and so on.