BPD Mother with validating friend

[estelithil]

Ugh... .so my sister related this story to me:

My sister was in the car with my mother and my mother's friend. BPDm and friend were talking about how I am not getting along with my mother well at the moment. Friend mentioned that she doesn't understand why I am upset about my childhood, that she remembers my mother visiting at her house without wearing underwear because my mother had spent the last of her money on school shoes for us kids and couldn't afford undies... .

THIS NEVER HAPPENED. That woman wouldn't spend the last $0.03 on one of her children. She never used to wear underwear because she liked the attention.

This made me reflect on the friends my mother has had in her life and made me realise that the friends that didnt validate her behaviours are no longer her friends - the friends that validate her behaviour and help her live in her little fantasy world are her closest friends.

Just need to remind myself that I don't have control over my BPDm memories, thoughts or friendships. Trying not to get cranky about this. Hopefully this post helps me to let go so I don't stew on it any longer.

Breathe in - breathe out!

[funfunctional]

Well she clearly is your MOM's friend.   Sounds like your mom's friend got sold a bunch of garbage and believed it.  BPD's have an amazing ability to paint their image as they wish to whom they wish. The LOVE facebook for image painting too.

Seek out those that comfort you.   Block out those who pass along your moms propaganda. 

My BPD MIL has a friend who is only friends with her for money.   LOL    You sure this friend isn't getting any money?

Ignore!

[arky]

Yep! I've been there. My mother has cut out every friend who doesn't validate her. A lot of those friends were parents of children who were my very good friends, and I was not allowed to see them any longer because of her. It sucks! They can twist things so they appear so heroic. So sickening, and there's no way to discredit them because their validators are so enmeshed.

Surround yourself with people who don't validate her and can see through it. It is hard, but well worth it in the end.

[claudiaduffy]

These days, I'm actually rather glad for any validating friends my mom has. They make her feel the closest to feeling good that she can get, which means I can feel even less guilt over refusing to validate her, myself!

But it does stink when untruth and twistedness gets back to your ears. Sorry, Estelithil. Could you ask your sister to just not pass that kind of story along to you?

[Woolspinner2000]

Estelithil,

Your story reminded me of something similar about my uBPDm. It's the thing about underwear. Not that us children needed to know this when we were adults (now I see it as such a BPD trait), but she would only wear nylons and say she wasn't supposed to wear undies with them. I always hated it when we would stop at her house to visit and she'd be running around in her bra and nylons.   Still hate to even think of it. Shouldn't be, ever. She just laughed at our discomfort yet continued to flaunt it, probably because it bothered us. Of course she'd be discreet enough to ask if there were any of the boys around before she came out. 

So sorry your ears were filled in on that info from your sister. I know how I felt so can imagine you felt nearly the same. Just another example of the inappropriateness and total lack of boundaries that BPDs have.

Woolspinner

[Louise7777]

My uBPD relatives rewrite history on a regular basis. Even in front of people that know they are lying. I believe its a way to look nice, to get attention, to make others look bad or to play the victim.

I have witnessed that in several ocasions and I either let it go or I leave (when it somehow includes me).

The most extreme uBPD in my family cant keep friends for very long. I dont know what happens exactly, but I assume she just blows at them when they dont agree with her in something or she doesnt see them useful anymore. As far as I can see, they rotate, are always making new friends so they get supply and validation on a regular basis.

I suggest you let go, as hard as it can be. Either her friend is naive or she has some issue herself. I think sooner or later she will be "fired" anyway.

[Gone2Long]

Oh did THIS ever hit home with me!  My childhood and early adulthood was populated by a whole slew of BFFs that became the centre of my mothers world, people who *really cared about her* and *understood her*... .oh REALLY?


. Either her friend is naive or she has some issue herself. I think sooner or later she will be "fired" anyway.[/quote]
And I completely agree with this one... .too many times, those who were in my mothers inner circle did something *unforgivable* and were forever shut off.  Many of them questioned me regarding this decision and a few went to their graves having no clue what happened to change everything. 

In the end it was true... .the really DID come to understand how she worked.

[P.F.Change]

People tend to choose friends with a similar emotional maturity. Most of the people my mother has maintained long-term relationships with over the years (which are few) are more unstable than she is. Certainly none of them would dare question her behavior, which enables her to continue pretending she's fine and everyone else is the problem. It's not a very comfortable feeling to have to face ourselves. It can be even more uncomfortable for someone with a PD.

It strikes me that if we're not careful, that same kind of thing can happen to us. We might want to complain about our relationships so that other people will agree with us about how rotten the other person is, or how rotten all people like that other person are, without asking us to take a step back and examine whether we have any role at all in the discomfort we're feeling. Just something to keep in mind.

estelithil, you are so right that you don't have control over your mother's memories, thoughts, or friendships. You don't have to fight to be right. Sometimes it makes sense to let go of the desire for everyone else in the world to see things the same way we do. Some people aren't able, and it may not be worth the energy. What kinds of things would you like to say to yourself instead? Is there a way to frame things that would make you feel less cranky?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[estelithil]

Thanks everyone. You have all given me a few things to think about. Very helpful.