My Mother's Undiagnosed BPD and Feeling Too Little Too Late

[belikethefox]

I couldn't have imagined entering a community like this a year ago. I'm in the Mourning/Healing phase of a 28-year-long relationship with my mother, whom I strongly suspect (and corroborated by the opinion of my counselor, and others in the psychiatric profession whom I've spoken with) suffers from BPD. Everything I've read here describes her and describes my childhood in ways I never thought others understood.

I am in agony though, now. I wish I had know about some of these strategies before things really blew up with my mom about 6 months ago, and started to blow up a year ago. There is, of course, a long and labored story that I would like to tell but feel daunted by both writing it all out right now on an otherwise busy Monday and boring you with another similar tale. The gist of this last year is that I moved out of the house I was renting with my mother after I couldn't handle her intense interference with my relationship. There have been other issues before this, but it was the final straw. My moving out did leave her in a difficult situation, and I acknowledge that. I married my partner this August, and as I am seeing a pattern here in others' stories, she did not attend the wedding.

But back to now: I feel I ruined my relationship with her by blowing up and leaving things on really horrible terms. I have apologized and tried to reconcile, but it seems that's too little too late. I don't know what continuing to try looks like. I know I need to recover from this trauma, and I am willing to give the time and separation that might be necessary to do that. But my heart is for reconciliation.

I come to this community seeking help for that, and want to hear about others experience with what that can look like. Not for my own imitation (I understand everyone's story is different), but to broaden my understanding about BPD. I wish she would seek help, but I know I can't do that for her.

Thanks for this community. I look forward to the possibilities for my healing here and in continued therapy.

[gentlestguardian]

Welcome, belikethefox!

I feel I ruined my relationship with her by blowing up and leaving things on really horrible terms.

I used to feel this way too. I used to be afraid that every action I took (and every word I spoke), if it went against BPDm's wishes or desires, would ruin our relationship. Terrified. What I learned upon going NC with my mother and distancing myself from our relationship is that a relationship takes two. In my healthy relationships, if I've ever done something that my friends or significant other didn't like, I can trust them to tell me so, and then we work together to move forward because we value each other. I can apologize and know that I will be forgiven. I never had that with BPDm. She would give me the silent treatment and make me feel worthless. There was never any give and take in the relationship. It was just me anticipating her needs and reactions, and her telling me I was awful. My biggest lightbulb moment came when I realized that I can't ruin that kind of relationship, because it is not a relationship to begin with.

Trust your instincts and take the time you need to recover from the trauma. Your mom may surprise you as you keep your silence; she may have her own revelations about what caused the conflict and perhaps even realize that she may need to make some changes. That's a long shot for many of us here, but it has happened for some. Never forget (like I often do) that your mother is a grown woman and she is responsible for her actions, not you.

Lastly, don't fear you'll be boring any of us. Everyone on this board is extremely supportive of members getting their stories out. Write however much you want .

[jmanvo2015]

I'm really sorry to hear about this blowup with your mother and how much it is hurting you.  Blow ups with BPDs are common because they bait us and they need to fight, so I suggest not blaming yourself for not having better control because many times it's impossible and, as you say, you're new to learning about all of this.  My first months on these boards and in therapy and the ACA group (Adult Children of Alcoholics AND dysfunction), I had a horrid fight with my uBPD mother and NPD stepfather, one of the worst ever.  I think it was because I was finally realizing: it's not my fault (like in the movie, "Good Will Hunting" - it's not your fault. It's not your fault... .) The ultimate realization that my mother is BPD - is mentally ill - brought up a lot for me - anger, depression, fear, relief, validation, etc... .The last few months, much healing and acceptance has been taking place for me.

It sounds to me like your mother baited you.  If you're in a relationship, it's possible she subconsciously feared abandonment and/or couldn't process feelings of jealousy and/or was irked at not being the center of attention. BPDs get really resentful when the focus isn't on them.  Then, they do things like bicker, pester and start fights because, in their disturbed minds, subconsciously, negative attention is better than no attention.  And BPDs need a lot of attention and they make everything about THEM.  Starting a fight with you got your attention and was a means for her to control you and to put the focus on HER. It's not logical, but please realize that there's nothing logical about mental illness and the more you read these boards and learn about BPD, the more you'll begin to comprehend how this illness thinks. (And, it's OK, too, to separate your mother from her illness. You can love and appreciate your mother, but still despise and reject her illness and I find it helps me to think in these terms the same way they say an alcoholic is not a diseased person, but has a disease.)

I can't tell you what to do with your mother, but I can share a story.  I remember when I was as young as 10, my mother would start these horrible rages for no apparent reason.  Of course, knowing so little then and being a child, I would fight back.  Then things would escalate and I'd be verbally assaulted, called names that not only shouldn't a child be called, but that a 10 year old child shouldn't even ever hear!  The fight would end and my mother would retreat, depleted, into her bedroom where she would sit on her bed and shoot rays of hatred and disgust in my direction, complemented by the complete silent treatment.  It was awful.  I was 10!  I feared abandonment, loss of love, rejection.  I felt terrible shame and guilt for having "provoked her" (as I was always told by my stepfather and maternal grandmother that it was my fault).

Time would subside and I would go into her bedroom and apologize profusely, "I'm so sorry, mommy.  I'm so sorry."  Initially, she'd reject my apology and would continue to emotionally abandon me.  After 4-5 days she would return to "baseline" as though nothing had happened.  Well, it had happened and the scars are still there.

As an adult, I fully realize that there's NOTHING a 10-year old little girl could've done to provoke that kind of rage and, further, there's nothing a 45-year old woman can do either.  That rage is INSIDE of my uBPD mother.  It has NOTHING to do with me, or anyone else for that matter. It's part of her illness, too, to blame others for her behavior and for her own inability to control her rage and anger.  BPDs are incapable of processing the shame that their anger makes them feel, so they deflect this and they blame the victim so that they don't have to self-reflect or accept their own behaviors.  My mother is mentally ill and this is part of her illness.  If I frame it in that respect, it takes the burden of guilt and shame off of me and places it where it belongs - on her illness.

In other words: it's not your fault  

Be gentle with yourself.

Give it time, however much time your mother needs to let her need for you surpass her anger and resentments, and then learn how to take better care of yourself using the tools here (JADE, SET) so that your mother doesn't have the power any longer to stir up these deep-rooted feelings of shame, anger and depression inside of you.