How Long Does Dysregulation Last?

[Hope0807]

I have read numerous times that the BPD oftentimes will try to reconnect after dysregulating.  How long does dysregulating last and how do we know it's over…or do we?  Totally just curious.

Not a bit of me would ever want my ex back.  Boundaries were strong in the relationship and they're even more solid now that I'm out and I have all the evidence of the reality of what "WAS" in front of me.  In my opinion he's been and will continue to "dysregulate" for quite some time.  Substance abuse is thickly woven into his life as well as the deception of keeping that substance abuse a secret from those whom he surrounds himself with.

So…just curious…if BPDs often look to reconnect after they're done dysregulating…how long is that usually and what signs tell you they're done deregulating?

[Deeno02]

Im not sure Hope. My exgf had the new dude a couple days after dumping me. Havent heard from her since my attempt to win her back 38 days ago. B/u 2 months ago. However, out of the blue, her son (15) texts me and asks if I have returned the engagement ring yet... I said"why?" He said "just wondering". Ive known him for a couple few years now, even before I knew his mom(gf) (him and my son are friends) and I would never expect anything of that nature to pop out of his xbox loving head. It made be extremly anxious and physically sick. Im trying not to look to much into it, but I wonder... .

[Hope0807]

Hey Deeno,

Yes just saw you post this on the last thread and was going to respond.  Glad you wrote here.  Don't you think there's a chance the mom/your ex sent you that message or requested her son send it?  Makes perfect sense.

Two weeks ago my ex and I were communicating agreeably, only briefly, regarding a wake/funeral for one of his family members.  After the wake (we agreed to go at separate times) he sent me an email saying he doesn't want me to ever stop talking to his family.  Of course I wondered but didn't ask, "Why would you say such a thing?"  Then a few days later I stopped by a family members home to pick up boots he had dropped off for me (they were left behind in our home and he had to order me a new pair) - and inside the same unopened amazon box were the stilettos her ordered for his new flame.  How pathetic!  Not a doubt in my mind he did that to me on purpose. Grateful for the time and clarity, I did not cry and I certainly didn't let him know I was bothered.  He would have sworn it was a mistake and would have secretly LOVED that he did that to me…just like the day he allowed to walk into the home with empty boxes to pack in the middle of the day and find him in our bed with another woman. 

MY BPDex leans toward psychopath and that's something I've come to terms with in very recent history.  It's a blood-curdling truth but it brings some small bit of peace to know I a great human and have lots to offer the right person.

I truly wish the contact about the ring didn't upset you so but I know your pain (anxiety and feeling physically sick) quite well.  Let the absurdity and reality of the illusion shape you toward a consciousness you had never thought you could possess.  And then remind yourself that the very consciousness that you are capable of…is something she is simply NOT.

Im not sure Hope. My exgf had the new dude a couple days after dumping me. Havent heard from her since my attempt to win her back 38 days ago. B/u 2 months ago. However, out of the blue, her son (15) texts me and asks if I have returned the engagement ring yet... I said"why?" He said "just wondering". Ive known him for a couple few years now, even before I knew his mom(gf) (him and my son are friends) and I would never expect anything of that nature to pop out of his xbox loving head. It made be extremly anxious and physically sick. Im trying not to look to much into it, but I wonder... .

[Deeno02]

Hey Deeno,

Yes just saw you post this on the last thread and was going to respond.  Glad you wrote here.  Don't you think there's a chance the mom/your ex sent you that message or requested her son send it?  Makes perfect sense.

Two weeks ago my ex and I were communicating agreeably, only briefly, regarding a wake/funeral for one of his family members.  After the wake (we agreed to go at separate times) he sent me an email saying he doesn't want me to ever stop talking to his family.  Of course I wondered but didn't ask, "Why would you say such a thing?"  Then a few days later I stopped by a family members home to pick up boots he had dropped off for me (they were left behind in our home and he had to order me a new pair) - and inside the same unopened amazon box were the stilettos her ordered for his new flame.  How pathetic!  Not a doubt in my mind he did that to me on purpose. Grateful for the time and clarity, I did not cry and I certainly didn't let him know I was bothered.  He would have sworn it was a mistake and would have secretly LOVED that he did that to me…just like the day he allowed to walk into the home with empty boxes to pack in the middle of the day and find him in our bed with another woman. 

MY BPDex leans toward psychopath and that's something I've come to terms with in very recent history.  It's a blood-curdling truth but it brings some small bit of peace to know I a great human and have lots to offer the right person.

I truly wish the contact about the ring didn't upset you so but I know your pain (anxiety and feeling physically sick) quite well.  Let the absurdity and reality of the illusion shape you toward a consciousness you had never thought you could possess.  And then remind yourself that the very consciousness that you are capable of…is something she is simply NOT.

Im not sure Hope. My exgf had the new dude a couple days after dumping me. Havent heard from her since my attempt to win her back 38 days ago. B/u 2 months ago. However, out of the blue, her son (15) texts me and asks if I have returned the engagement ring yet... I said"why?" He said "just wondering". Ive known him for a couple few years now, even before I knew his mom(gf) (him and my son are friends) and I would never expect anything of that nature to pop out of his xbox loving head. It made be extremly anxious and physically sick. Im trying not to look to much into it, but I wonder... .

I hope not, but probably. It was so damn random. I want nothing but peace again. Im not well, but Im holding it together. Its hard to admit at 51 that I was in an abusive relationship, one where Im still filled with guilt and shame and always second guessing myself. And afraid.

[Hope0807]

I'm with you on all that.  Random is what they do because it keeps us jolted.  Now our job is to ground ourselves like never before.  I am not fully healed, but remember with clarity being exactly where you are.  Please hang in there and reach out often.

Hey Deeno,

Yes just saw you post this on the last thread and was going to respond.  Glad you wrote here.  Don't you think there's a chance the mom/your ex sent you that message or requested her son send it?  Makes perfect sense.

Two weeks ago my ex and I were communicating agreeably, only briefly, regarding a wake/funeral for one of his family members.  After the wake (we agreed to go at separate times) he sent me an email saying he doesn't want me to ever stop talking to his family.  Of course I wondered but didn't ask, "Why would you say such a thing?"  Then a few days later I stopped by a family members home to pick up boots he had dropped off for me (they were left behind in our home and he had to order me a new pair) - and inside the same unopened amazon box were the stilettos her ordered for his new flame.  How pathetic!  Not a doubt in my mind he did that to me on purpose. Grateful for the time and clarity, I did not cry and I certainly didn't let him know I was bothered.  He would have sworn it was a mistake and would have secretly LOVED that he did that to me…just like the day he allowed to walk into the home with empty boxes to pack in the middle of the day and find him in our bed with another woman. 

MY BPDex leans toward psychopath and that's something I've come to terms with in very recent history.  It's a blood-curdling truth but it brings some small bit of peace to know I a great human and have lots to offer the right person.

I truly wish the contact about the ring didn't upset you so but I know your pain (anxiety and feeling physically sick) quite well.  Let the absurdity and reality of the illusion shape you toward a consciousness you had never thought you could possess.  And then remind yourself that the very consciousness that you are capable of…is something she is simply NOT.

Im not sure Hope. My exgf had the new dude a couple days after dumping me. Havent heard from her since my attempt to win her back 38 days ago. B/u 2 months ago. However, out of the blue, her son (15) texts me and asks if I have returned the engagement ring yet... I said"why?" He said "just wondering". Ive known him for a couple few years now, even before I knew his mom(gf) (him and my son are friends) and I would never expect anything of that nature to pop out of his xbox loving head. It made be extremly anxious and physically sick. Im trying not to look to much into it, but I wonder... .

I hope not, but probably. It was so damn random. I want nothing but peace again. Im not well, but Im holding it together. Its hard to admit at 51 that I was in an abusive relationship, one where Im still filled with guilt and shame and always second guessing myself. And afraid.