People Pleaser or Sociopath? Wouldn't I Like To Know...

[ATLandon]

So I've been doing a metric ___ ton of introspective investigating lately since my marriage to my uBPDwife is coming to a close after 10 years of being together. I literally spent all of my 20s with this woman. Part of me is bitter about it but the majority of me, the logical part, knows that I learned quite a bit about life, love, and myself from this relationship. I have been going to AA meetings for over a year now. Recently, I broke sobriety after 9 months of not drinking due to dealing with the prospect of initiating divorce but I'm working on getting back on the wagon. Regardless, I'm figuring myself out and sometimes it is painful to discover what is really inside of me.

I'm a people pleaser. Always have been and much to my chagrin, probably always will be on some unconscious level. This worries me because I think in some ways my need to make others happy feeds into a sociopathic-like personality. I am so good at being a chameleon it scares me. Charming, adaptive, great listener, and seductive: words that often been used to describe my character and personality throughout my life. Much like a person with BPD, I can be quite crafty and convincing at sleuthing people into letting them see/know me as I need them to view me. It isn't so much a conscience act to seduce or manipulate (not intentionally anyways) as it is to make myself feel better about being more companionable with the person I'm with. To say I have a hard time with rejection is an understatement. So I do my best to make sure it doesn't happen. I'm smarter than the average bear, I'm funny, and I come from a good family. I charm, I engage, I actively listen, I provide assistance without being asked and do favors on my own time. I know how to play the game, whether its dating, applying for a job, asking for a raise, or making new friends that can help my social status. I get what I want because I understand most people better than they understand themselves when it comes to their basic instincts and I prey on it.

Once I started investigating why I am this way I started to realize that a lot of these behaviors started to manifest drastically when my oldest sister finally came home for good when I was 14-15 years old. She had been running away from home since I was 5 years old and had a lot of problems, including teenage marriage and pregnancy, drugs, and sexual abuse issues. I was always close to my oldest sister and missed her desperately throughout my childhood. Seeing her now as an adult, I understand that she is likely BPD or at least displays many BPD characteristics. In fact, I'm pretty sure my grandmother  was also BPD and my mother has BPD characteristics (though not personality disorder material). The few times my sister was home and we were all a family during my childhood, I was stuck to her like glue. I now see how she often manipulated me and exploited my sweet, I-need-to-feel-loved-by-you nature. I see how it manifests in my relationships now as an adult as well as those in my teen years. I'm not blaming my sister for who I am or what I have become. Rather, I'm now finally understanding how the dynamic developed and what I can do to change it.

Its going to be a long road to change these character flaws. However, I'm glad that I'm in AA and have an amazingly awesome, supportive, and non-judgemental home group that is helping me work through all of this. I'm also very thankful for bpdfamily and everyone that posts here.

[doubleAries]

Hi ATLandon,

Thanks for your honesty and introspection.

Isn't it a huge relief when the blinders come off about ourselves?

Sociopaths don't really manipulate others in order to make them happy. They manipulate others to get something else from them.

People pleasers (I know--I'm one too) don't believe they have any value unless someone else says they do--we have to help, charm, fix or something otherwise no one would like us. Yes, that definitely entails plenty of manipulation (and we certainly need the people who validate us to be dependent on us, so we do what we can to strip them of autonomy and/or ability).

No, we aren't innocent victims--though that's the image we want to see and want others to see about ourselves. But it's still different than the absolute indifference of the sociopath (ASPD).

People pleasers manipulate others, certainly. But we don't generally see others as simply pawns in our movie.

Best of luck (and effort) with getting back on the wagon. Addictive behavior (no matter the focus of it--drugs, alcohol, relationships, etc) requires indulging ourselves in excuses and justifications--the opposite of introspection.

Thanks for sharing your insights.

[vortex of confusion]

I have been thinking about some of these same things. I am a care taking, people pleasing, protector. I don't prey on people though. I try to help people when and if I can. I have been thinking a lot about this in light of the thread on the Leaving board about Enabling and Codependency.

I am stuck on this notion that wanting to help and protect and please others isn't such a bad thing. In my mind, the world would be a better place if more people were less selfish and did look out for each other and help each other and protect each other. I think where it becomes a problem is when you lose yourself in the process of doing those things.

Have you read much about what a sociopath is? If you were a true sociopath, I doubt you would even be asking that question because you wouldn't care unless you were doing it as a way to manipulate others. Here is a quick article about how to spot a sociopath: www.naturalnews.com/036112_sociopaths_cults_influence.html

[ATLandon]

Hi ATLandon,

Thanks for your honesty and introspection.

Isn't it a huge relief when the blinders come off about ourselves?

Sociopaths don't really manipulate others in order to make them happy. They manipulate others to get something else from them.

People pleasers (I know--I'm one too) don't believe they have any value unless someone else says they do--we have to help, charm, fix or something otherwise no one would like us. Yes, that definitely entails plenty of manipulation (and we certainly need the people who validate us to be dependent on us, so we do what we can to strip them of autonomy and/or ability).

No, we aren't innocent victims--though that's the image we want to see and want others to see about ourselves. But it's still different than the absolute indifference of the sociopath (ASPD).

People pleasers manipulate others, certainly. But we don't generally see others as simply pawns in our movie.

Best of luck (and effort) with getting back on the wagon. Addictive behavior (no matter the focus of it--drugs, alcohol, relationships, etc) requires indulging ourselves in excuses and justifications--the opposite of introspection.

Thanks for sharing your insights.

It is a relief to start seeing my character flaws and actively deal with them head on. Its a 180 from my drinking days. Strangely enough I have started wondering if I am actually an alcoholic. Undoubtedly, I have drank alcoholically in the past but I think that my drinking was actually just away of sustaining my true addictions, with are people-pleasing, co-dependency and last but certainly not least... .dysfunctional relationships. When I broke sobriety a couple months ago I didn't go on crazy binges or even drink that much. In fact, the desire to drink is far from what it used to be. I was able to have a couple drinks and walk away, feeling fine. I'm not sure what any of that really means but I do know what my past record with alcohol is and I do know staying sober long-term cannot do anything but help me. So, with that in mind, I'm working on getting sober for good and going to ask a friend in the program to be my long-term sponsor. I really have to start working through my addictive issues in harmful relationships.

[doubleAries]

Personality disorders are spectrum disorders. Meaning all of us display traits now and then of each of the various personality disorders (PD's). The DSM points out that for a diagnosis of a PD, there is a list of X number of criteria, and X number of those criteria must be a pervasive pattern.

Generally, when someone has crossed that line there is no more introspection about that behavior--it is continually justified. Those of us who groan "OH NO! I'm a BPD/Sociopath/Narcissist whatever" are displaying some traits. Diagnosable PD's are also capable of introspection and change, but only after making the choice, only after saying I am completely sick of myself and this must change (just like anyone else).

There's an old joke: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.

Addictive behavior is addictive behavior, no matter what we turn the focus to--drugs, alcohol, relationships, video games, eating disorders, caretaking/rescuing, whatever. The details (symptoms) may vary, but the root cause is the same. And it occurs to me that addictive behavior is often very similar to enabling behavior--outward distraction meant to avoid inner psychological turmoil. How far are we willing to take that? For some, all the way to a diagnosable PD. Or of course--jails, institutions, or death.

They're just feelings, for crying out loud--they won't kill us. But look at the backflips and contortions we're willing to go through to avoid them or "make them go away".