I Am So Angry

[StayOrLeave15]

This is a venting post.  The supportive people on here have told me to write, write, write so that is what I am doing.

I am so angry at my BPDexgf.

- She has destroyed my self-confidence.

- I think about her all day.

- I put my heart and soul into our relationship and all she did was obsess over meaningless things like ex's or a perception that I didn't love her.

- A goal is for me to get my life back together but I continue to take two steps forward and one step back because of the pain she has caused me.

- I feel so trapped because the natural reaction I have when upset is to reach out to her - I am 2 weeks NC. 

- Part of me feels vengeful and I want to contact her to say things I know would hurt her so much because I am so angry for the way she hurt me.

- She has instilled the self-defeating belief in me that no other girl will make me feel like she did so what's the point in trying.

- She is also very attractive so I now believe that the only way I can be with an attractive girl is if there is something wrong with them.  I know this isn't true from past dating and relationships but it is hard to get over this belief after my time with her.

- I've had self-sabotaging behaviors in the past and the pain from her has led me back to them. 

- Everywhere I turn I am reminded of her. I think about what she is doing and imagine her with another guy (which she probably already is) and I am sickened to my stomach.  How can someone go from telling you that you're the love of their life to not wanting anything to do with you in a matter of a few hours? Oh, right, Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Clearly the emotion I am feeling is anger.  A feeling that is just isn't fair.  Of course, as always, the logical side of me knows I am better without her.  But when the emotional side of me takes over what am I supposed to do?  As a recent post said "I yearn for her."  Yearn is such an accurate word.  And I can repeat what I've typed so many times.  "I yearn for the idea of her, not the real her."  "She's great when she's regulated but when she flips she is an emotional terrorist capable of such destruction."  "Blah, blah, blah."  Pardon my sarcasm but it just isn't fair. I give my all to her and she *OBSESSES* over things that are meaningless and feels the need to control me.  Why? Her insecurities?  A fear I would cheat?  The fact I was friendly with my ex (but no feelings between us - we talked about our dating lives like adults and no jealousy came up!)?  Well guess what sweetheart?  Because of your bizarre behavior all your fears came true:

- Your insecurities and your anger that came from them caused me to start hiding things from you

- I didn't cheat on you but during some of the many (20+) times you broke up with me I was with other women. (Whether people consider that cheating or not is up to them but I am not a person who strays.  But when the one I love turns into a different person and pushes me away and refuses to talk to me, and the opportunity presents itself, it is hard not to take.)

- Your obsession with my ex-girlfriend and stalking of her caused me to be in contact with her to apologize for your behavior

So nice work.  If you could just be normal none of this would have happened. 

But what can I say.  I know she isn't normal.  She has a disorder and all of these behaviors typify it.  I could just sit back and read the responses to other people's posts on here because their experiences are so similar to mine - sound like a mirror image of my life and my "relationship".  I know she is mentally ill.  She is batshhit crazy.  And I know she suffers.  She doesn't know what normal is.  But I'm sorry, that doesn't take away my anger and suffering, so here I am writing about it.  If only there were an "erase button" to get her out of my mind.  *Sigh*. 

[GoodThingsToCome]

Hey,

I think what you have just done by writing a post is EXACTLY what you should be doing. You are angry, and anger is a vital and healthy emotion... .just don't act on it in the wrong way. You have recognised it and come here to let the s**t out, which is great.

I won't lie to you and say things will get easy quickly. Initially after the break-up I imagined myself being fine after about 2 months, and here I am at nearly 10 weeks and I've just had a hell of a week - triggers all over the place, random thoughts, dreams, cravings... .you name it, I had it. All I can say is be prepared to fight the hard fight and know that its going to make you stronger and a better person. You will come out of this fine and eventually have a healthy relationship, whereas the same can't be said for her... .which is incredibly sad. I would say the major difference where I am at now is that I have less anger, but a lot more sadness for her in terms of her illness... .deep down she is a human being like the rest of us who I really loved.

I know where you are at... .I can sense the frustration. Sometimes you don't want to hear the same cr*p over and over again on these forums, because it doesn't fix the emotions; only you can fix that in time... .it really is like a prison sentence. I don't mean for this post to sound morbid/depressing... .but just understand that a lot of us have been in your same position... .its a hard slug, but sooner or later the weeks speed up and your life finds some kind of traction.

My coping mechanism has been exercise (I don't know what I would've done without it)... .every time I've felt low or flat, unhappy or angry... .I've gone out for a run or hit the gym. Sometimes when I'm running/walking I even feel worse though (because I used to do it with my ex), but I come home, have a cry and get the feelings out and just keep moving forward.

I really have a lot of empathy for people on these forums. I honestly don't wish this thing upon anyone. Keep venting/ranting if you need... .just don't let the anger control/define you.

Cheers.

[cosmonaut]

Hi Stay.

I can identify so strongly with what you write you are feeling.  I am sorry that you are enduring this pain.  It is hell on earth - just pure hell.  I remember so clearly what it felt like when she left.  It was like the extinguishing of the sun.  As if I was condemned to existence as a wandering shade.  Everything changed that night.  I can honestly say that I have never been the same.  It has been the most profoundly damaging event of my life.  I imagine that it has been the same for you.  I read so much of myself in what you have written.

It's good and right to be angry.  I was angry too.  I still am.  You have been used in the worst way that one can ever be used.  And you have been terribly betrayed.  Anger is your spirit fighting back against the legions of lies, manipulations, and abuses.  It is the little voice inside you that will in time build to a mighty roar.  It is your self demanding "ENOUGH!".  The anger will come and it will go.  Eb and flow like the tide.  Let it come and let it go.  The anger is necessary and it will provide energy to propel you through this miserably long, dark night when you otherwise feel like just resigning to the darkness.

You are in significant crisis and you are crushed in spirit as are all of us who have had the experience of becoming enmeshed with a BPD waif.  While all BPD relationships are probably damaging, I am fairly convinced that the waif inflicts a particularly devastating degree of psychic trauma and narcissistic wound.  The waif, as a consequence of her disorder's manifestation, appeals to the part of us that exists in every man who has ever lived (and probably every woman too).  It is the part of us that is celebrated in fable and myth as the hero who rides to the rescue of his beloved lady trapped in the high tower and guarded by the dangerous dragon.  This is, I believe, a universal human story and it expresses a universal human experience.  Every man (and woman) seeks to protect his beloved from harm.  Indeed, it is one of the foundations of manhood that a man protects his family.  Every woman also has a fundamental need to protect her family and those she loves.  What man wouldn't rescue his lady from peril?  A man who is no man at all.  So, the waif touches something especially core inside of us.  She draws upon this mythic center and she provides the perfect fulfillment of this need.  Who is in more dire need of rescue than the helpless, childlike waif?  I believe that this is a trap that anyone, absolutely anyone, is susceptible to falling into.  It is particularly the case if you, like me, also have acquired certain schema from childhood.  If you are like me, and I think many of us that become enmeshed with the waif are, you had an unhappy childhood with indifferent, absent, or capricious caretakers (particularly a mother) that left you feeling invisible and emotionally starved.   When you find the waif, her childlike devotion and idealization as her perfect parent, rescuer, and caretaker is the ideal fit for the hole left by those childhood deprivations.  She is the fulfillment of a lifetime yearning to be seen and loved.  This need is so overpowering and her fulfillment of it is so perfect, that everything else is blinded by that light.  All of the other dark and dangerous things are blotted out by the radiant joy of achieving the dream of finding this perfect compliment.

When the relationship with the waif fails, as it must - for we can never be the perfect parent she seeks, the loss of her and the core hole that she filled is beyond devastating.  It is crushing beyond imagination.  It is the ultimate reinforcement of our primordial fears from our earliest life that we are invisible and that we will never be seen.  That our emotional hunger will never be fulfilled.  It is so important to realize how damaged you are right now, because this must be addressed.  You, like me, will never be able to move on in life or in love until it has been remedied.  Find yourself the best therapist that you can find and commit to tackling this issue.  I believe with all of my heart that this is the only road out of this black forest.  We will wonder in darkness among the twisted trees forever unless we follow that road.  I have been in the deepest, darkest, most crushing depression of my life the past few months.  I am finally starting to see the light and thing have been improving lately.   One of the most important turning points has been to accept that what looked, smelled, tasted, and felt like love was not really love at all.  It is a truly masterful substitution that the waif makes, but it is not genuine love.

I wish you well in your healing, Stay.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18.

[StayOrLeave15]

Thank you for your kind words and support GoodThingsToCome and Cosmonaut.

I have a very good therapist who I have been seeing for three years.  After only telling him very little he predicted behaviors from her that would happen, most of which ended up coming true.  She is a clear "textbook case" of a BPD waif.  I had (and still have) very loving parents but there were many issues from childhood that led to me growing up with a sense of inferiority and insecurity.  I have tried to overcompensate for these issues by buying expensive clothes, obsessing over my appearance, trying to please everyone, etc. but at the end of the day my motivation for all my behavior is to impress females. 

I unfortunately judge my success or failure in life by whether I am accepted or rejected by an attractive female.  Over the course of growing through adolescence and into my young-adult life rejections by girls had devastating effects on me and the instances of "landing the hot girl" made me much happier than what a normal reaction might be.  These are parts of me that I am aware of and am working on in therapy.  That said, my BPDexgf was the perfect storm for me.  I met her when I was coming out of the darkest period of my life.  We met online - before we went on her first date I was suspicious that the pictures of her weren't real and that it was someone having a laugh at my expense.  But then we met, she was real, and the relationship took off.  It was amazing, exciting, invigorating and made me feel like a new person.  She was beautiful, fun, spontaneous, and all I could feel was positive attention coming from her.  At the time, this felt like it filled that deep hole that lives inside of me from childhood and I thought I had met my soulmate.

As the red flags began to pop up I was too enmeshed in and dependent on the relationship to even consider leaving her.  I was determined to make it work, or "save her" because she had saved me.  She seemed like a sad, lonely person with no family within thousands of miles and only a few friends.  So it was by far the most intense relationship I had ever been in, and she was clearly the "damsel in distress". 

So, the waif touches something especially core inside of us.  She draws upon this mythic center and she provides the perfect fulfillment of this need.  Who is in more dire need of rescue than the helpless, childlike waif?  I believe that this is a trap that anyone, absolutely anyone, is susceptible to falling into.  It is particularly the case if you, like me, also have acquired certain schema from childhood.  If you are like me, and I think many of us that become enmeshed with the waif are, you had an unhappy childhood with indifferent, absent, or capricious caretakers (particularly a mother) that left you feeling invisible and emotionally starved.   When you find the waif, her childlike devotion and idealization as her perfect parent, rescuer, and caretaker is the ideal fit for the hole left by those childhood deprivations.  She is the fulfillment of a lifetime yearning to be seen and loved.  This need is so overpowering and her fulfillment of it is so perfect, that everything else is blinded by that light.  All of the other dark and dangerous things are blotted out by the radiant joy of achieving the dream of finding this perfect compliment.

When the relationship with the waif fails, as it must - for we can never be the perfect parent she seeks, the loss of her and the core hole that she filled is beyond devastating.  It is crushing beyond imagination.  It is the ultimate reinforcement of our primordial fears from our earliest life that we are invisible and that we will never be seen.  That our emotional hunger will never be fulfilled.  It is so important to realize how damaged you are right now, because this must be addressed.  You, like me, will never be able to move on in life or in love until it has been remedied.  Find yourself the best therapist that you can find and commit to tackling this issue.  I believe with all of my heart that this is the only road out of this black forest.  We will wonder in darkness among the twisted trees forever unless we follow that road.  I have been in the deepest, darkest, most crushing depression of my life the past few months.  I am finally starting to see the light and thing have been improving lately.   One of the most important turning points has been to accept that what looked, smelled, tasted, and felt like love was not really love at all.  It is a truly masterful substitution that the waif makes, but it is not genuine love.

And of course the relationship failed. And I stayed in it longer than I ever should have.  And recycled it multiple times.  At the time, I felt like I was nothing without her, so there was no choice but to make it work. 

I'm less angry today, but like you said Cosmonaut, it will ebb and flow.  I am accepting that she hurt me but I am also accepting that she is mentally ill and this is simply her nature.  The love wasn't real but I still miss her.  I think of our time together, holding her in my arms.  But any type of relationship with her is simply a black hole, from which no good can come. 

The phrase "core hole" you used is something I hear often from my therapist.  It is THE issue we are focusing on and he believes it is the reason I have had depressive episodes in the past.  And why I was such a susceptible partner to fall into this mess with this girl. 

I'm working on accepting many things.  One is that we can't change the past but we can learn from it.  This relationship (or the illusion of it) has profoundly affected me but I want to use it to work on these deep issues and try and repair the core hole in healthy ways.  I don't want another relationship like this.  While I can try and look for the red flags that I missed here, true change won't come until I heal this hole and establish my true sense of self.  There have been many interactions with females in the past that did not go well because of my core issues, but nothing compared to this.  I feel like something like this BPD relationship would have happened with someone else if not this girl, and is a way for me to see the changes I need to make to have a healthy relationship in the future and just feel good about myself. 

Taking it one step at a time.  I'm trying to sit with the pain instead of numbing it or indulging it in unhealthy ways.  I believe I am on the road to recovery and am committed to not taking steps backward toward where I was in this toxic relationship.  Today is better, and I am accepting that there will be difficult days in the future, but that I will continue on my journey.

[vortex of confusion]

 

I am having a rough couple of days. I was looking through the threads and the thread title caught my attention because that describes exactly how I am feeling today. I am so angry! Figured I would stop in and say hi and let you know that you are not alone.

I am at a point where I don't care what it is or why it is happening. I just want it all to stop. I want my self esteem back. I want all of the years that I spent taking care of him back. I want my self respect back. I want my figure back (in 18 years I have gained close to 150 pounds). I want it all back. I want my husband out of my life and I want to erase all of the pain and all of those feelings of being rejected.

[StayOrLeave15]

Yesterday was better but today has been rough.  Thank you for your empathy, Vortex. 

I hear you about losing weight.  For me, feeling angry and depressed gives me permission to indulge in unhealthy food, drink alcohol, not work out.  Then I don't feel good about myself and I don't have the confidence to meet other girls.  I don't even know if I am ready for that yet, but at least it would keep me from ruminating.

I want it all back. I want my husband out of my life and I want to erase all of the pain and all of those feelings of being rejected.

I keep telling myself, and you should do the same, that it isn't me that was rejected.  It is simply a part of the disorder.  Logically that makes complete sense.  I step back, digest it, and completely understand it.  But the emotional side of it is so, so difficult.  I am so angry today and I am taking it out on myself.  I don't want to but when I feel so physically run-down what can I do?  Depression is anger turned inward, right? Well that is exactly how I am feeling today.