Broken hearted

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi I am new to this site and hoping to get some strength and help to move on. I was in a relationship with a man who was diagnosed with BPD many years old and did tell me about but told me the doctor said he was cured and took him off medication. With out knowing what BPD is I believe him and didn't think twice. I did everything for him from wiping his butt after surgery to helping pay his bills all out of love. His biggest issues were he couldn't seem to be there for me when I just needed him to hold me that's all I ever asked for and he would turn the situation around to be angry at me instead. He also hated anyone being near me and I mean anyone. The other side of him was so sweet and loving I am having a hard time dealing with our break up and he seems to have moved to a happy new relationship without even telling me it was over I found out on fb. I just dont know how to deal with my feelings of wanting him back but knowing it's bad for me and thinking after everything I went though he is in this wonderful new relationship... Help

[Left broken and confused]

Hi I am new to this site and hoping to get some strength and help to move on. I was in a relationship with a man who was diagnosed with BPD many years old and did tell me about but told me the doctor said he was cured and took him off medication. With out knowing what BPD is I believe him and didn't think twice. I did everything for him from wiping his butt after surgery to helping pay his bills all out of love. His biggest issues were he couldn't seem to be there for me when I just needed him to hold me that's all I ever asked for and he would turn the situation around to be angry at me instead. He also hated anyone being near me and I mean anyone. The other side of him was so sweet and loving I am having a hard time dealing with our break up and he seems to have moved to a happy new relationship without even telling me it was over I found out on fb. I just dont know how to deal with my feelings of wanting him back but knowing it's bad for me and thinking after everything I went though he is in this wonderful new relationship... Help

[fromheeltoheal]

I just dont know how to deal with my feelings of wanting him back but knowing it's bad for me and thinking after everything I went though he is in this wonderful new relationship... Help

Welcome Left, I'm sorry you're hurting, being in a relationship with someone with BPD can be very confusing and hurtful, and I understand.  In fact everyone here has felt or is feeling what you are, and you will find a lot of support here.

His new relationship may seem 'wonderful' for now, and maybe it is, like maybe yours was with him in the beginning, but rest assured the disorder will play out the way it always does, and the relationship will probably end up like yours did.

But that's him.  Time to start focusing on you, and to start there are a lot of great articles on this site that describe the disorder and how it is to be in a relationship with a borderline, and if you're anything like me, they will speak to you and your situation exactly.  Read those, and also post and read a lot here, talk, talk, talk, you will make it, and it will get better.  Take care of you!

[Left broken and confused]

Thank you!  At times he makes me feel more like it's me then him which really plays with my emotions. Until I start to read up on BPD last night I felt like I just wasn't good enough for his love

[Deeno02]

Left, your story is like all of ours pretty much. just change the names and sexes. I still second guess myself and its been almost 2 months now, but Im getting better. And stronger. And you will too.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I am sorry that you are suffering as you are.  We just wanted to love them and be with them forever but this just triggers them to run away and find another.  You are with people that understand the pain of such a break up.  Please be kind to yourself.  Remember there is nothing else you could have done.  Remember this is a script that he will run through with the next one and the next one and so on.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you!  At times he makes me feel more like it's me then him which really plays with my emotions. Until I start to read up on BPD last night I felt like I just wasn't good enough for his love

That's a defense mechanism; he's offing all responsibility on you and probably blames you for everything, because he can't handle it, a borderline trait.

But the good news is digging into why you felt you weren't good enough is fertile field for growth moving forward.  Everyone on planet earth feels 'not good enough' at times, and a borderline is useful for shining a light on all of our issues, some we knew about, some we may not have, and the growth that will come as a result of weathering and detaching from the relationship can be profound, what you might eventually consider the gift of the relationship.  For now, hang in there, read up, post, and take care of you!

[Left broken and confused]

The oddest part with him is it has been a 4 year pattern of him getting mad and us not speak at all for weeks then those weeks turned into not speaking for 2 months once. He always reached out to me first and the 2 months he said he used to get off the prescription drugs he was addicted to. He made me promise that if he learns to be there when I need him I would marry him by next year. Since we started dating all he wanted was to get married and have a baby and  before the really odd behavior started we were supposed to get married. Once I realized something was wrong I put the breaks on and told him we needed to work on our relationship first.  Several weeks later I had an issue with my ex husband and asked him to be there for me. He called me a bunch of hurtful names and I never heard from him again until I saw on fb he had a new gf then I asked for my clothes and stuff back. He seems really different almost at peace said he let go of him childhood but I'm sure it's another act.  I am finding myself depressed and playing mind games with myself. I don't understand how I feel so deeply in love with him.

[fromheeltoheal]

Several weeks later I had an issue with my ex husband and asked him to be there for me. He called me a bunch of hurtful names and I never heard from him again until I saw on fb he had a new gf then I asked for my clothes and stuff back.

Fear of abandonment is at the core of the disorder, and he may have gotten triggered because you were communicating with your ex in some way, and the reality of the situation had nothing to do with his feelings that he was about to be abandoned, so he preempted it by leaving and starting something new with someone else.  Feelings are facts to borderlines.  Plus, borderlines are usually all take and there's no room for your needs.  You might have noticed that.

I don't understand how I feel so deeply in love with him.

That's common, mixed emotions, of course if it was all bad we'd leave easily and wouldn't need this site.  :)igging into that love can be very telling; for me I was in love with the idea of her, the fantasy, and the reality never measured up, yet I forged ahead, chasing an addiction.  So what's that about?  Could it be she triggered some earliest feelings in me regarding love or the lack of it?  And why was the chase more invigorating than the relationship?  Hmmm.  Growth in the answers.  Take care of you!

[Left broken and confused]

I consider myself a pretty smart mentally healthy person. I had a great family life as I child but I think I seek out the needy people who need the most love. Being with him at the times he seemed normal was just wonderful. He was super loving and very attentive to me and I gave him as much love and security as I could. I am struggling with the feeling of wanting him back in my life. I miss the love and companionship he gave me. My mind say one thing my heart says another. I just can't believe all the feelings were lies. I have been in contact with him and it feels like a different person very cold but pleasant most of the time. Some days he is more talkative then other but small talk only. He still hasn't told me he is with anyone which is odd because his defense is generally to hurt. Not sure if he is doing it to keep the door open. It was also odd that he held on to my clothing for 4 months without throwing it away or contacting me. I don't know what to make of it all.

[fromheeltoheal]

I just can't believe all the feelings were lies.

They weren't lies especially.  Borderlines feel everything very strongly, the good and the bad, so when he was into you he was entirely into you, that was real, too real, in that it was perfect to him, and idealized fantasy, until it wasn't.  Someone with the disorder is very conflicted, caught up in the continual push/pull of abandonment/engulfment, and along with an unstable sense of self, the emotions are all over the map and change on a dime.  You probably noticed.  Plus feelings are facts to a borderline, think emotion storms, and whatever the weather is, is the reality, until the storm clears and another one shows up.  And plus again, going back to lies, borderlines are also emotionally arrested, from the point the disorder began, and on some level they know it, so they will parrot what they see and hear, so he may have been doing his best to be who he thought you wanted him to be, mostly so you wouldn't leave, but he was literally incapable of really connecting to that.  All of this is standard borderline, apply as needed.

I think I seek out the needy people who need the most love.

 

There's fertile field for growth in digging into that, starting with what do you get out of it?  I've spent plenty of time as a people pleaser, putting other people's needs ahead of my own, and as a rescuer, cloaked in virtuousness but also with a sense of superiority, compensation for feelings of inferiority.  It all boils down to if I do enough, care enough, sacrifice enough, then I will be loved, of course with the underlying belief that I wasn't inherently lovable.  Lots of growth coming to terms with that.

I don't know what to make of it all.

 

And trying to make sense of it, especially at this point in the relationship, can be crazymaking.  We were once soothers to our borderline's ills when they got triggered, at some point we became the trigger, and navigating that can be impossible and trying futile.  Think storms, and you're in the eye.

My mind say one thing my heart says another.

That will last for a while.  I made a list of all the unacceptable crap I tolerated when I was in it, it grew with time as my head cleared, and I read it when my heart was protesting my decisions; it shifted my focus enough to make it through to healing.  Your gut is a good resource too, and if your head and gut agree, they can hold your heart and tell it things are going to be OK, which they will be.  Take care of you!

[SeaShellz]

Just wanted to chime in and let u know I'm hurting over my ex BPD boyfriend. Its been 8 days. Everything happened so fast that day and I didn't want him to leave but things kept escalating and I was so mad at him I basically forced him to leave. I went through unimaginable things with him and he did take more than he gave. He was so loving and seemed to adore and need me and always told me he didn't know what he would do without me. That he would just want to be dead. This is our second major breakup and the first one lasted 3 months. He tried seeing other girls, bad mouthed me, and totally cut me out of his life. I expect the same this time but I'm not going to chase after something that's so bad for my life in disguise of something that feels so good MOST of the time. My heart is broken and I barely get through the days. I miss him with everything I've got and will probably always have a special place in my heart for him but enough is enough! This group is like my lifeline right now and if it wasn't for all I've read about BPD I'd be so lost!

[Left broken and confused]

Thank you so much Sea Shellz I am sorry you are in the same pain I am but it is comforting to know I am not alone. I was with my ex husband since I was 15 and after our divorce 5 years ago I jumped into a relationship and after 9 months found out that the man I was dating was married. After a few months single I meet my now ex boyfriend and really thought my single days were over. Without much dating experience and feeling so betrayed by all the men in my life right now I really don't know how to get past this and into a healthy relationship. The pain is unbelievable and it has been about 3 weeks since I found out he was with someone else and in that time all I could think about was how much I love him. The pain is unbelievable at times