Fear of abandonment, why do they leave us then?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

if they have fear of abandonment why would they leave us anyways ?

[guy4caligirl]

if they have fear of abandonment why would they leave us anyways ?

[Isa_lala]

Simply to not be abandoned. They provoke what they fear the most.

My BF has always told me that if he would feel that I am going to leave him, he would be the first to leave the relationship... .

[fred6]

Shows you how messed up their thinking is. If they leave us before we leave them, the end result is the same. Regardless of who leaves who, the relationship is over.

[neverloveagain]

They abandon when they know you finally see through the mask and then off they go. Guess you didnt see the other satalities orbiters the plan bs they have lots of em they never tell you but they are there cause they know they will f up eventually, you were probably abandoned in mind months before your split they had the new source primmed and ready to go. Its how they roll.

[fromheeltoheal]

if they have fear of abandonment why would they leave us anyways ?

As others have said, to not be abandoned.  Fear of abandonment is at the core of the disorder, and borderlines are hypervigilant looking for signs that they are going to be abandoned, to the point of misinterpreting actions.  It could be as simple as settling into the relationship after the intensity of the honeymoon phase is over, the change is noticed, it's concluded you're about to leave, feelings are facts, so time to leave before getting left, none of which necessarily has anything to do with reality.

We all have some level of fear of abandonment, it's just more intense for a borderline.  And in a healthy relationship both partners could sit down and have a conversation full of openness, honesty, vulnerability, and a focus on the health of the relationship.  That never happened in my relationship, and my part was shutting down after I brought something up that got deflected, I ignored issues that were important to me, and I put up with unacceptable behaviors.  It's really good to realize, accept and address those issues moving forward, and turns out they're a whole lot easier to deal with if we weed out partners that can't or won't go there from the beginning.

[guy4caligirl]

They abandon when they know you finally see through the mask and then off they go. Guess you didnt see the other satalities orbiters the plan bs they have lots of em they never tell you but they are there cause they know they will f up eventually, you were probably abandoned in mind months before your split they had the new source primmed and ready to go. Its how they roll.

Do they ever come back ?

Mine left 3 months ago  after 5 years , now we started working again together but from a distance but she refuse to talk about the RS , she want to just talk business which I hired her back and we started today , do you think she trying to get back with using the job to make a few bucks and baby steps back in ?

[Caredverymuch]

They abandon when they know you finally see through the mask and then off they go. Guess you didnt see the other satalities orbiters the plan bs they have lots of em they never tell you but they are there cause they know they will f up eventually, you were probably abandoned in mind months before your split they had the new source primmed and ready to go. Its how they roll.

Do they ever come back ?

Mine left 3 months ago  after 5 years , now we started working again together but from a distance but she refuse to talk about the RS , she want to just talk business which I hired her back and we started today , do you think she trying to get back with using the job to make a few bucks and baby steps back in ?

BPD is an attachment disorder governed by fear of real or PERCEIVED ( ie not at all real ) abandonment.  Fear of abandonment plays equally on the scale of engulfment, which sets the entire schemas in full bloom.

Are you aware of the Detached Protector schema?  Sounds like your ex may be in that mode right now.

[In Pain]

This is what makes me crazy.  The very thing they so crave, and we are giving to

them... .they run from.

I've done the reading, I understand this disorder completely... .,, and yet... .It

makes no sense.

NO %#&$*#  SENSE !    ( To us normal thinking people )

This is so frustrating !

I hate this disorder !

[guy4caligirl]

They abandon when they know you finally see through the mask and then off they go. Guess you didnt see the other satalities orbiters the plan bs they have lots of em they never tell you but they are there cause they know they will f up eventually, you were probably abandoned in mind months before your split they had the new source primmed and ready to go. Its how they roll.

Do they ever come back ?

Mine left 3 months ago  after 5 years , now we started working again together but from a distance but she refuse to talk about the RS , she want to just talk business which I hired her back and we started today , do you think she trying to get back with using the job to make a few bucks and baby steps back in ?

BPD is an attachment disorder governed by fear of real or PERCEIVED ( ie not at all real ) abandonment.  Fear of abandonment plays equally on the scale of engulfment, which sets the entire schemas in full bloom.

Are you aware of the Detached Protector schema?  Sounds like your ex may be in that mode right now.


Hi can you please explain what's detached protector schema is ?