Working on me.

[Burninghalo]

Hi all,

I'm new here, just posed an intro with my background. And that brings me here - currently painted black, unsure if/when I will hear from her again, and some forced physical time apart due to her holiday overseas for four weeks.

I see there are a lot of resources/lessons on here to work through and I will be doing that. I think it's important that I assess my role in things and start doing something about it if I genuinely want to be the strong support person/caretaker that I'd like to be (whether that does or doesn't include a relationship).

So, I guess my question is, what are some good techniques some of you have used when it comes to 'study' or self learning? Did you find you were able to put the skills into practice when you needed to? Or did you find you needed to practice these for some time in real-life scenarios? How long did it take you for things like validation to become second nature and not feel fake or forced?

If it helps, I have some codependency and conflict avoidance issues to work through, and while validation and boundaries are things I'd like to work on for the relationship, they're also things that will benefit me on a broader scale. Just wondering where to start and what others have found helpful if they've been on a similar journey?

[Kwamina]

Hi Burninghalo

Welcome to bpdfamily!

You ask some great questions here. Boundaries and validation are two excellent things to start working on. There are also several communication techniques on here (SET, DEARMAN) that can be quite helpful. What are the main issues you are facing right now in your relationship?

Applying all this new knowledge and new skills can require some time but having said that, it's quite possible that you'll experience some immediate effects. It can help to first start with using them for little things and as you learn from that you can work your way up to the bigger issues you're facing. Practicing in real-life scenarios helps, but you can also start with practicing on paper by yourself or role-playing to practice these new skills.

You're right about how these techniques can also benefit you on a broader scale. I for instance have found that boundaries, validation and various specific communication techniques (SET, DEARMAN) are also invaluable when it comes to my professional life.

[Cloudy Days]

I think it was suggested to me to start learning how to Validate because it can really help to lesson the volume of anger of your BPD loved one during any type of disagreement or upset. I actually had a way at work to write down specific Validation statements that I thought might sound genuine coming from me and I read over them when I felt that I was having a particularly hard time with my husband. I have found that when I watch TV and someone argues I try to think of what that person could have said better to avoid the argument. And I also make note when I watch TV and they say something Validating. It's basically a way to see an example of real conversations and how you can make them work for you. I am mindful of it now, and I think that is what matters most. To know what validation is in general was a big thing for me. When I had no idea what Validation was, you can set an explosion from a spark with zero knowledge of what you said wrong.

Then once you get that down you move on to boundaries and SET and DEARMAN. Don't try everything all at once and if you fail once it doesn't mean you will fail every time. Sometimes they are just too far gone in their emotions there is nothing you can say or do it's best to just take a break and let them come back to reality before trying to talk again. 

[Burninghalo]

Thanks for the responses guys.

Cloudy, a lot of that makes sense - lately I've been watching Scrubs and noticing the way the characters validated and empathised, and the way it sounds so natural has really made me take notice of that. It's not that I need to force empathy, it's just that it's not something I'm great at verbalising.

I like your advice to work on one thing at a time. At the moment, I have so much going on, I'm not sure which book to read first or which skill to practice first - and that means I don't get to any of them! I agree validation can keep things from blowing up, which will make the discussion around boundaries etc much easier.

I think it was suggested to me to start learning how to Validate because it can really help to lesson the volume of anger of your BPD loved one during any type of disagreement or upset. I actually had a way at work to write down specific Validation statements that I thought might sound genuine coming from me and I read over them when I felt that I was having a particularly hard time with my husband. I have found that when I watch TV and someone argues I try to think of what that person could have said better to avoid the argument. And I also make note when I watch TV and they say something Validating. It's basically a way to see an example of real conversations and how you can make them work for you. I am mindful of it now, and I think that is what matters most. To know what validation is in general was a big thing for me. When I had no idea what Validation was, you can set an explosion from a spark with zero knowledge of what you said wrong.

Then once you get that down you move on to boundaries and SET and DEARMAN. Don't try everything all at once and if you fail once it doesn't mean you will fail every time. Sometimes they are just too far gone in their emotions there is nothing you can say or do it's best to just take a break and let them come back to reality before trying to talk again. 

[Grey Kitty]

I'd highly recommend starting with the easiest thing, before validation. Validation is very helpful. It is also subtle and challenging. I find I cannot do it well when I'm agitated or tired.

The first thing I recommend is noticing when you say things that are invalidating, and stopping those. You don't have to do anything but keep your mouth shut.

A good starting point is don't JADE. When you are accused of something, do NOT Justify, Defend, Argue, or Explain. These are always invalidating... .and always make things get worse. As you start to watch for it, you will see yourself doing it... .and see the bad reaction... .and learn to either A) say something validating instead, or B) just shut up. Both are much better!

[Perfidy]

Burninghalo, hi, hope you are well. You are writing about something that you feel as a kind of knowing that there must be more than what you have experienced thus far. The answer that you want cannot be found in BPD. What you are feeling is the need to know your self. This need has risen out of the shock and suffering experienced from a relationship based on some type of unhealthy desire. The shaky foundation of a bad relationship has collapsed sending a shock through your being that has set you on a course to gain self awareness. We are complex and complicated beings. We have no inherent existence yet we are eternal. Where would you like to start?

[Cloudy Days]

I'd highly recommend starting with the easiest thing, before validation. Validation is very helpful. It is also subtle and challenging. I find I cannot do it well when I'm agitated or tired.

The first thing I recommend is noticing when you say things that are invalidating, and stopping those. You don't have to do anything but keep your mouth shut.

A good starting point is don't JADE. When you are accused of something, do NOT Justify, Defend, Argue, or Explain. These are always invalidating... .and always make things get worse. As you start to watch for it, you will see yourself doing it... .and see the bad reaction... .and learn to either A) say something validating instead, or B) just shut up. Both are much better!

This is very good advice too, When I read all the invalidating statements on this site my eyes were opened wide to what I was doing wrong with some of the things I have said. And I don't just use it for my husband I use this on anyone I know. When a statement is invalidating it is invalidating to anyone not just someone with BPD. But the biggest thing I noticed was when my husband would be around his mother, it was like clockwork how easily it was for her to affect his mood. She was soo Invalidating! Never acknowledged how he actually feels and would dismiss it and basically be like why can't you get over this already, or why do you always do this, this was years ago. She had a way to say the exact wrong thing about everything he would say. It was a great learning experience. She is not a bad woman, and she is not abusive but she did not know what invalidating statements were and that is why she would have such an effect on my husband. For my husband saying nothing is almost invalidating too because he sees it as ignoring him. So I acknowledge what he is saying a lot of the time. I had a talk with her after that and their relationship is better than it was at least.