Refused to discuss issues or even argue - high functioning quiet borderline

[Hawk Ridge]

My exPWBPD refused to discuss issues with me or even have a civil argument when we were together, blaming me for "overcommunicating."  I believe she is a high functioning quiet borderline.  I am sure she must be doing the same with my replacement. Is this common?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaybeSo]

Hmmm…it’s not what I think of as typical of a pwBPD. Borderline traits tend to correlate more with an anxious attachment style that relies heavily on verbal expression fueled by the anxiety.

Some people have an Avoidant attachment style (generally correlates with a more narcissistic style) and a lot of talking or need to connect through talk by a partner would generally cause this kind of person to want to get away from it or refuse to engage at all. They tend to ‘go away’ and shut-down to regulate themselves.  

Not always, but often, men are thought of as having a more shut-down, avoidant style, and it is women who often get the rap for being too verbal or too emotionally expressive in relationships, but there certainly can be role reversals, too.

Anyway…everyone is different and every situation is unique, not really enough information to give anything but a very general answer.

[Hawk Ridge]

Thank you for trying.  If we are ever able to try again, I would like to solve this puzzle.   She is quite masculine in her personality and habits, often subscribing to the avoidant style while presenting as anxious.  When I read the book about attachments, her attachment style fell in both grids.  As a quiet BPD, I can see why my tendency to want to discuss the purple elephant in the living room would irritate her; however,when I trusted her desire for quiet space, she left me and it appears was trolling online prior to her departure. No win situation... .

[Verbena]

I've read a few threads on here about "quiet borderlines" but think that is definitely not the norm with a pwBPD.  It's certainly not the case for my DD.  I have only come to realize recently (after 32 years of marriage) that my H's issues  seem to parallel some of the stories here.  While he does not fit most of the BPD criteria, he is one angry,miserable, negative, never-wrong individual.  That description is one I see often here.

The "shut-down, avoidant" style that Maybeso mentioned is my husband to a tee.  Responding to me at all is a major imposition to him--unless it's something negative.  Then he has lots to say and gets loud.  He will even often claim he answered me and tells me what he said when he actually completely ignored me.  And he BELIEVES that he spoke to me.

My advice would be to keep your ex an ex.  If I knew in 1982 what I know now, I would have  walked away.  Thirty-two years of his anger and miserable attitude has sucked the life out of me. 

[Cloudy Days]

Some people have an Avoidant attachment style (generally correlates with a more narcissistic style) and a lot of talking or need to connect through talk by a partner would generally cause this kind of person to want to get away from it or refuse to engage at all. They tend to ‘go away’ and shut-down to regulate themselves.  

I have to say, I am not a borderline and this is totally my attachment style and my husband is pure BPD anxious attachment style. I have a tendency to shut down when my husband wants to talk. Of course it doesn't help that he tends to use put downs and just all around general warfare when he gets upset during our conversations. But being female I was always told this is not the normal, I don't like talking about feelings and tend to avoid it. It's a reason why I can get along with my husband because I don't pressure him about how I feel, which is detrimental to me and makes us focus on all his stuff. Don't know if this helps at all, just wanted to put in my 2 cents. I'm sure there are Borderlines that have avoidant styles too and I can imagine the upset it would cause to try and talk about feelings. Because I know how I feel when I am forced to talk about certain things with my husband. If it's hard for someone who can control their emotions, it would be even more difficult for someone who can't.