cried again today 5 months and somedays its back to square one

[emancipated]

Hey all I'm not sure what significance this will serve , but i needed to do more than type an email to my ex that she wasn't gonna read, Ive accepted the fact nothing i can do can bring her back. I have always been a painfully trusting person , Today i got up to eat something and was watching espn and broke down. Not nearly for very long and certainly not as hysterical but its upsetting that through the lies and embarrassment i still can't help but A. assign an inordinate amount of blame on myself,B second guess decisions C, Wonder how long she was humping this old guy, D Is he really going to suffer the same fate as i did. I know none of these emotions matter now and after the most recent incident I'm quite certain i can't take her back. She had or sordid past and loved her no matter what. I came from a broken home, my mom left to go on active duty military from the time i was seven to the time my parents divorced when i was 12-13. I had to be the one to tell my dad about the fact she was cheating on him because i walked in on her with another woman and since then it seems like I've been marked. By every definition i am a codependent ,savior ,Mighty mouse white knight. And she was able to play me very well. I could expand more on my troubling child hood but nor have the time nor the inclination. My BPDexgf had me believing i was special, that i was different and one of the harder parts of all this learning is that confronting the realization that a lot of the memories i held dear to me , plans we made, struggles we faced it was all me. She told me very quickly that she developed feelings for me and said she loved me very quickly, i have had this happen before however it hit home with this raven haired ,ivory skinned chubby spanish beauty. Before i never would have believed she would have cheated on me during our time together and the replacement was there for her to rebound with but now i just don't know. One thing i want to know is how some of you are able to separate their thoughtful times, their caring times and when they seemed so real. She was so jealous all the time, thinking every woman wanted me, or when i would tell a story about a girl a ran into i could see the burning defensiveness in her eyes. And when i was leaving stopped me the hallway crying and saying she didn't want it to end. i know ill never get all the questions answered and frankly i just hope to keep improving. Its funny i ran into an older guy at the gym and we started talking and he said he listened to my story and heard basically the same thing that happened to him and just that she tried to poison him. I envy all of you who are permanently at the point of being over it and not. I can't remember if he said she would try and recycle or not however he did say whenever the thought comes up he said just remember your mind ,body and soul will be beaten down all over again. Whats the defense for next time? not so much with the same girl but if you encounter another BPD girl and the idealization starts?

[btbh]

Dont be too hard on yourself bro. We have all been there. When we overthink and think of them being with someone else. It definitely hurts like hell. My advice is to do something or anything to keep you from thinking about it. Do some pushups, download a tv series/movie. Anything to get your mind off it! Her replacement will suffer the same fate. He is just a new source of supply for her and once she gets bored and her true self is revealed .

Today is a low for me too cause I've been in contact with my BPDexgf after a few weeks of NC and very low contact and the feelings that rush back it is as if we havent been apart and you remember how nice it feels. You need to be strong and focus on yourself, do things to bring up your self esteem. Do anything which gives you a sense of accomplishment. When they see the new and improved you, they will be the ones who regret missing out on you.

My ex did the same and asked me not to leave the first time I caught her cheating. Cried and begged for another chance. Silly me believed she was sincere and guess what. Caught her cheating 4 days later again! So dont be too hard on yourself dude. These people are toxic and just use you. Now I keep NC or only contact her when she is useful to me in some way. No point wasting energy, tears and thoughts on people who dont care about you at all.

[Aussie0zborn]

I was reading about sociopaths and related to the part of them doing something extravagant for you to make you happy was all about how you will respond and make them happy so it's really for their benefit, not yours. This is often done in the lead up to manipulation.

In my experience, when she was extravagant with her gifts I would have to be rapt. But looking at the cost of the gifts I knew I would be the one to pay off her credit card so it would be hard to be enthused with anything she did for me.

So I think of any good times as all being fake. They never existed and if they did they weren't for you.

[emancipated]

Thanks for the response my friend ... and yea i know just kinda in a pissy mood... it seems like when I first wake up now is the only time it really gets overwhelming ... today was just one of those days. And i am not sure I am hoping dude meets the same fate... I mean I want her to hurt and realize what she lost and all ... and before anyone responds with they won't and blah blah blah... yes I am aware... I just want her to find happiness as long as its any guy after this one just really burned he was such a ugly old man and a such a stark contrast to the girl I thought I knew. I broke nc right before Halloween to ask about the dog we adopted together and she lied and said they still had it when later found out the microchip is registered to someone else which although I agree nc is the best way to break the addiction... the occasional reminder that they aren't and weren't the person u fell in love with and truth be told with the idealization ... love bombing and mirroring i wonder if all of it was for nothing whoever said its better to have loved and lost never dated a borderline

[emancipated]

Thanks Aussie that actually helps ... where can I find this article on sociopaths?

[emancipated]

And btbh I think ur on to something there because while she was lieing about the whereabouts of the dog she started asking me questions as opposed to the last couple of interactions which were just straight venom. Asking about the new job I told her about the last time we spoke and officially gave up trying to win her back... BTW I never had a lot of faith in the get back ur ex sites. And then asking about me reconciling with my estranged wife because of something on Facebook and just a couple of things... I didn't ask about her the kids she had from a previous relationship and I wonder If she noticed still wondering why she cared

[Aussie JJ]

I can relate to what your going through on such a deep level.  I get it in the mornings as well.  Waking up sometimes and thinking, these were the good times, this was when I always made a cup of coffea, cup of tea.  This was the good part of the day when conversation was always civil. 

I miss my son in the mornings even more.  I miss so many other things but the mornings I miss the most.  They were the part of the day with the least conflict, the least dysregulation.  Man they suck some mornings when you get up and just cant do anythign because of those thoughts and memories. 

[emancipated]

Hey Aussie

Yea man I don't know what it is... something about when she would oversleep and I'd get back up after working all night to drive her kids to school to make it to work on time ... her son could be a butthead sometimes but her Lil girl was just the sweetest thing I think I miss her and him more than my ex... it freaked me out having them around all the time initially but those moments after she would leave and we would sit there talking and them asking questions. And yea I can relate to on ur own personal kid level man... my first gf I suspect of having some disorder and they shared a lot of similarities but its been so long I dont know if you could call it BPD but she took my Lil girl from me... said she had an abortion and come to find out had her without my knowledge she will be 11 in feb. And my last ex actually wanted to learn about her and wanted to help... the more it goes along I wonder how much was ever real and how much is about control. I am an open book and this time it burned me bad. What is ur story aussie?