Hypocrisy at its finest...

[Youcantfoolme]

I can't help but feeling enraged the other day when someone sent me a picture of my brother and his BPD wife at a wedding. I haven't spoken to my brother or his new wife in a year. This is all over a dress. Yes you read that right, a dress. Not just any dress but this dress almost garnered as much attention as Monica Lewinsky's famous blue dress (sans the stain!). It's a dress that I picked out to wear, as a "guest" at my brothers wedding. I say, "guest" because I wasn't picked to be part of the wedding party so in my eyes, I was there as a guest, as someone sitting In the audience.

When I bought the dress, I had just finally started to feel good about myself, after giving birth to my son. I had finally gotten back to my pre-baby weight and was really proud of it. I didn't choose the dress with intentions of stealing the spotlight from the bride. I just wanted to look nice and feel good. Their wedding was also on Valentines day so I wanted to stick with that. I picked a satin, purplish jewel toned dress with some black detail along the bust line and hemline. I also planned on wearing some type of sweater or jacket over it (it was strapless) and a pair of black pantyhose because it was so cold out. I showed the dress to many people before the wedding and everyone thought it was a lovely dress. I have a lot of brutally honest people in my life and trust me when I say, if they thought the dress wasn't tasteful, they would have had no problem telling me. I dress pretty conservatively and when I'm wearing something that may be a little less conservative, I try to find a way to make it more conservative.

Anyhow, right from the moment I told my brother I got a dress, over the phone, it was a problem. His wife was telling him to ask where I got it and what color it was. I thought her concern was that I was going to clash with her bridesmaids red dresses so the next time my brother was at my house, I pulled the dress out and showed it to him. He hardly seemed interested when I did. He looked up for a second and said, "oh nice." And went back to playing with his phone. An hour or so after he left, I got a text from him asking how long the dress was (it stopped about an inch or two above my knees) and a long lecture about appropriate wedding attire for women. At this point, I knew it wasn't my brother who really gave a crap. In my 33 years on earth he has never commented on my clothing. We've been to many weddings together and I've worn many similar dresses and he never said a thing about it before.

I politely tried to back him off because I felt he was crossing a line but he kept going on about how I should buy a new dress. Even after I explained that I was past the return date for the dress he still didn't understand. I felt I was being backed into a corner and given an ultimatum so I kind of lost it and started to tell him that if his wife wanted to control my fashion choices, she should have put me in the wedding party. I was very hurt and offended. Well once his wife caught wind of what I had said, all bets were off. She insisted I apologize to HER and if not, I wasn't coming to their wedding. After that, it turned I to am all put war which has resulted in my brother and I not speaking for almost a year! This is unheard of in my family.

Back to present day, I get this picture, and I couldn't believe my eyes. His wife was breaking every single one of the "appropriate wedding attire" rules he had explained to me! Her dress was a least 4-5 inches above her knees. It also had a very low cut neckline and since she's large chested, it showed a lot of cleavage. I was ASTONISHED, to say the least! How can someone make such a big deal about a dress not being conservative enough for their wedding and then show up at someone else's wedding in that?

I can't believe the double standards and hypocrisy. I so badly wanted to call them up and scream but I know better. I know I will NEVER win. She will come up with any crazy justification she wants and she will never take responsibility. She'd say something like, "well I'm not family." Or "I'm not going to be in their wedding album." and magically, she will be right. It just amazes me. I had to get that off my chest.

[jmanvo2015]

This is so typical of BPD behavior.  I can really relate and sympathize. It's all about control, as you know.  She wanted you to wear what she wanted you to wear and the "appropriateness" of it was just an excuse to exercise control over you and to be the center of attention.  Because, with BPDs, everything is always about them, or what is being done to them.  In other words, "how dare you wear a dress that SHE doesn't approve of to HER wedding... ." Blah, blah, blah.  I deal with this type of BS on an almost hourly basis living with my uBPD mother.

It's good you realize it's not worth it to say anything and that you vented here instead.  You can't win an argument with an insane person. However, I also realize how painful this situation is for you because this woman is a barrier to your relationship with your brother. I'm in a similar situation with a cousin who married a gal who may or may not be borderline, but she definitely doesn't want anyone around that steals the spotlight from her, or who gets close to my cousin.  So, I really feel for you.

[Youcantfoolme]

I can't understand the rational but I think you've nailed it. Throughout the whole ordeal, we repetitively heard the words, "this is OUR wedding.". She wanted everyone to know who the boss was and if you didn't fall in line, you were cast off the island. I think its sick. Especially when you look at the relation here. I'm his SISTER, not a girl he used to date or sleep with. I highly doubt, even if I showed up in a chicken suit, it would take away from the fact that she was the bride and it was her day. Everyone walks into a wedding, knowing that. 

I should also mention this was her third wedding. She's already been in the spotlight and should know the routine.

[jmanvo2015]

I totally understand.  You ARE his sister.  Unfortunately, one thing I've noticed is that women with BPD are incredibly manipulative where men are concerned.  They can really hook a guy and your poor brother is probably hooked - unfortunately for him and also for you.  But, you know what? If your brother is foolish enough to allow his wife/wife-to-be to cause problems with and to come between him and his sister it seriously makes me question your brother's character.  I'm sorry, I don't mean to say anything bad about him, but more to help you re-frame this situation because you haven't done anything wrong.  You haven't done anything wrong in this situation at all. Your sister-in-law is a crazy person and I'm really sorry to say this, but for your own serenity and self-esteem, if she keeps pulling this type of crap, you might really need to keep a polite distance. I realize that means sort of losing your brother, but you know what?  That's his loss, too, and he should fight for you.  Maybe, if fate is kind, she will eventually wear him out and he will see through this and leave, but, unfortunately, you can't really count on this happening because BPD women really know how to manipulate men - they use all the tools at their disposal from sex and seduction to bullying and deception.

I really feel your pain.  I've had to deal with the "loss" of family members that are still living because of my mother's uBPD doing irreparable damage to family relationships.  I have an entire family in Italy that I hardly know because of her illness and I am so aware of that loss because as we get older it's harder to have those relationships - they're busy, disinterested, have their own families and kids.   I didn't see my Italian biological father for my entire life until, after having cancer in 2009 I sought him out and hired a professional mediator to help us reconnect.  We've had a relationship since and, much to my delight and surprise, he has a stepdaughter that I'm becoming close to.

Sometimes, I've found, if you do what you need to do to take care of yourself, fate or God or whatever you choose to call it, brings "surrogates" into your life.  For example, I mentioned my cousin.  He's part of my Italian family and it breaks my heart that I can't be closer to him because we've always gotten along so well. But his wife is an aspiring starlet and he just is so obsessed with and focused on her and on "making it" that the doesn't have time for anything.  Recently, though, I made friends, good friends, with a few really lovely Italian men that have become surrogate cousins for me.  Being around them reminds me of my family in Italy and they've become surrogates for the cousins I can't have the closeness I crave.

BPD destroys so much, especially families. It's a terrible illness. I genuinely feel sorry for your brother and for the pain this situation is causing for you.

But, put it aside for now and take really good care of yourself.  Don't worry about your brother or his wife.  Do the next right thing for you to do to for yourself, your peace and your happiness and God will fill in the gaps. S/he really will.

[Louise7777]

Youcantfoolme, I was going to write a long post, but jmanvo said all I was thinking.

Im sorry for your situation but you are not alone, we know full well how is having an uBPD relative and having to deal with the chaos and destruction.

Worse than a wedding dress, how about trying to control the clothes you wear in a funeral? "Wear pantyhose, dont go with "naked" legs!". How weird is that? Her son-in-law died and she was worried about her sister (who was then 60 yo).

Its all very bizarre. As jmanvo said, its all about being in the spotlight and controling us. I really dont get why they have this need to control everybody around them, in so many aspects of life!

I got so fed up with their criticism (my hair, clothes, clothes colour) that at some point I just gave a harsh response and they stopped. Now they know better and dont mess with me. Well, they still make some remarks and demand things from me (to which I say no right away). Im NC/ VLC anyway, so I dont give them much opportunity.

Also, keep in mind that uPDs create rules that apply for others, not for them. And yet, they still think they will be obeyed.

[P.F.Change]

I can't believe the double standards and hypocrisy.

Your anger and frustration has less to do with her behavior and more to do with your own beliefs and expectations. How could changing your own attitudes improve the way you feel?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Kwamina]

Hi Youcantfoolme

Back to present day, I get this picture, and I couldn't believe my eyes. His wife was breaking every single one of the "appropriate wedding attire" rules he had explained to me! Her dress was a least 4-5 inches above her knees. It also had a very low cut neckline and since she's large chested, it showed a lot of cleavage. I was ASTONISHED, to say the least! How can someone make such a big deal about a dress not being conservative enough for their wedding and then show up at someone else's wedding in that?

I can't believe the double standards and hypocrisy.

Considering the reaction you got from your brother about the dress you had chosen to wear to their wedding, I get why seeing this pic of his wife could have certain effects on you. Unfortunately it is very common in people with BPD to have one standard for how they can behave themselves and another for how they feel other people should behave around them. Given this knowledge it might help to expect these kinda things, how unpleasant they might be, to prevent yourself from getting frustrated. In general it's certainly true that double standards can be very unpleasant, but given the fact that you suspect she most likely has BPD, this type of behavior can be expected. Do you feel like her wearing this dress is in line with a larger behavioral pattern of her? If so, it might help to lower your expectations of her so you will be better prepared when confronted with something like this and also be better prepared to deal with the emotions these kind of things can cause in you. Do you perhaps feel like her wearing this dress was almost like a direct statement to you?

I can't help but feeling enraged the other day when someone sent me a picture of my brother and his BPD wife at a wedding. I haven't spoken to my brother or his new wife in a year.

I'm also very curious to know who actually sent you this pic and why. Is this person close to your brother and his wife and is he/she aware of the fact that you haven't spoken to them for so long and quite possibly also aware of the discussion you had with your brother a year ago about your dress?