I can see clearly now

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Because my BPDexbf is high functioning intellectually and planful and strategic in many ways, I came to this board months ago feeling incredibly hurt, "duped," abused, and angry.  How could someone smart enough to pull off an incredible "con game" with high tech stalking (while holding down a well paying job as an application developer) actually have a debilitating illness?   I could not see him for who he truly is:  a very sick person.

All I could think about in those early days of silent treatment and being split black was how much pain I was in.  I was in disbelief and shock. I had been utterly rejected and abandoned. I felt betrayed. My "lonely child" could barely function.  In truth, nearly all of my anger was toward me.  Some say anger turned inward creates depression.  No doubt I have been depressed.  And BPDexbf loomed larger than life--I could not bear the thought of life without him. :'(

The abandonment began (and the r/s originated) with his owing me a great deal of money:  much of which he dishonestly acquired from me over the past year.  Mind you, he never told me he was leaving me; his last words to me were, "I'll pay you your f-ing money." After only two dates in 2013, he was asking me to borrow money.    And for a brief moment, I could see him, and I broke it off with him immediately me after that second date.

So, it looked like it was all about the money, and in many ways it was/is, but slowly I have come to see that it always has been about much more:  power, control, entitlement, mistrust, and shame.

Unlike some of our BPD's, I believe my exbf realized the r/s had no future long before he walked out.  He began planning how he could acquire everything he "needed" from me after my first dose of silent treatment in May 2014. That dose followed my first strong demand for repayment.  Oddly, he would say, "... .but if I pay you back, you won't need me anymore." 

Throughout that 7-10 day ST, BPDexbf would make "surprise" deposits into my checking account but would not speak to me.  Upon his triumphant reentry into my life, when I welcomed him with open arms, he explained that he had really been "mad" at me.  I had never received ST by him or anyone else, so I was puzzled.  I found BPD Family, and 2010 wrote that I had activated "the silent protector." This was all very puzzling for me back in May.

I had worked in and around mental health for over a decade; I knew about BPD, and I had seeN his illness early in the relationship.  (He had professionally been diagnosed as bi-polar, but I knew it was a myriad of pd's).  And while I had been professionally associated with BPD's, I never had been the s/o in a r/s with a BPD.  So, I really don't have the same excuse as others here:  I KNEW I WAS IN FOR THE RIDE OF MY LIFE.  Often I would tell my best friend, "I don't know how this is going to end, but it's not going to end well."  Little did I know that he would eventually abandon me and leave me in substantial debt.

Much of my own dysfunction was believing that I could control it (the disease), that I could help him, that love conquers all, that I truly was the love of his life, that he had truly changed and just needed help (after a 3-year prison sentence).  Most of all I believed I could trust that he never would betray me, cheat on me, and abandon me with no warning, no explanation, and certainly no closure after a one-year, committed relationship. :'(

Looking back, in his own way, I believe he was trying to tell me that he was leaving with cryptic messages: "It's time to become Dark Man," "I really care about you, and that's what makes this so hard." At the time, I just felt that these were more manipulations for more money.  After all, that is how the r/s began.  Then the bottom fell out around mid-July when he stepped up the stalking and surveillance--the kind that Apple, I-Tunes/I-Cloud and my wireless carrier have yet to completely understand:  quite an impressive hacking job.

In text several weeks ago, after my 20-year-old son had confronted him over the telephone (after our not seeing BPDexbf for three months during which he never repaid me or returned my property), exbf informed my son that it was I who had cheated on him and hurt him.  Furious, I had a 3-hour text confrontation with exbf who, for some reason, CANNOT HEAR MY VOICE?

But he did text that his surveillance had given him proof that I had been lying to him (not cheating).  And that honesty was the most important thing for him.  How ironic, as this is a man who has been arrested and incarcerated in the military, locally, and in federal prison--and always for scamming, lying, and stealing money.    Toward the end or our r/s, I stopped telling him where I was going and with whom, and he called this "cheating."  

So several weeks ago, he explained in text that his abandonment was because I hadn't been honest.  Again, this is a man who used my credit card to pay off his car, swearing on his "children's lives" and his Grammy's grave" that he would pay me back.  I since have learned that he was on dating sites, porn sites, hook-up groups, and probably cheating (all of which he had falsely accused me).

So his elaborate rationalization for abandoning me and not paying me back is because I wasn't honest--that I had chosen my "boss" over him, on and on and on.  He created a scenario in his head so that he could leave me in substantial debt and psychic pain, and he believed that somehow all this ugliness would just go away.  Somehow, this is how he believed he would not have to repay me.

So many times on this board, I asked what to do--why had he split me black--were we broken up--what was meant by his cryptic messages--why was he refusing to pay me back--why wouldn't he talk to me--should I pursue a legal venue for recovering my money?  A very special BPD Family member reminded me of the quote, "Evil prevails when good men do nothing."

Over the past week, I have been working with an attorney and trustees to recover my losses--and take care of myself.  Never have I been more convinced of BPDexbf illness.  Last night, when my attorney was meeting him at my office with most of my property, BPDexbf was absolutely terrified that he might have to see me or talk to me:  LITERALLY TERRIFIED.  Is this because I am split black?  Is this because of his intense shame for his mistreatment of me?

I don't know, and I don't want to see him either.  We became triggers for each other. I only want to see him for who he truly is.

In less than one month after abandoning me, he moved to another county with no forwarding address--it was only because of finding him on a dating site that I knew he had moved.  He had continued lying to me on text about his life and whereabouts.  He constantly lies but says he values honesty the most in his relationships.  I believe he moved so that he never would have to see me or any of my friends or service providers who live near me.  He would like for me to be DEAD TO HIM--in a way, I guess we are dead when we are split black.

Last night, I prayed that God would let me see him for who he truly is.  My resulting vision was that he is Smeagle from Lord of the Rings; somehow in my mind, I was able to make him Gollum.  Either way, he cares only about his "Precious" which is money.  He is pathetic.  He is terrifed. He is weak, but I had made him a terrifying monster in my own mind.  I don't know why I couldn't see him before, but I intend to ask my T when I see her next week.  Love was truly blind, despite all I knew about his past and despite his unrelenting abuse of me in the r/s and in the present.

For ALL OF MY BPD FAMILY, I could not be on this road to acceptance without each and everyone of you.  I do pray for you sometimes.   It hurts to read how much you are hurting, and it reminds me of how much pain I was in.  But I promise:  there is healing, and there is acceptance.  THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.  I once was blind, but now I see.  God bless.

[Loveofhislife]

Because my BPDexbf is high functioning intellectually and planful and strategic in many ways, I came to this board months ago feeling incredibly hurt, "duped," abused, and angry.  How could someone smart enough to pull off an incredible "con game" with high tech stalking (while holding down a well paying job as an application developer) actually have a debilitating illness?   I could not see him for who he truly is:  a very sick person.

All I could think about in those early days of silent treatment and being split black was how much pain I was in.  I was in disbelief and shock. I had been utterly rejected and abandoned. I felt betrayed. My "lonely child" could barely function.  In truth, nearly all of my anger was toward me.  Some say anger turned inward creates depression.  No doubt I have been depressed.  And BPDexbf loomed larger than life--I could not bear the thought of life without him. :'(

The abandonment began (and the r/s originated) with his owing me a great deal of money:  much of which he dishonestly acquired from me over the past year.  Mind you, he never told me he was leaving me; his last words to me were, "I'll pay you your f-ing money." After only two dates in 2013, he was asking me to borrow money.    And for a brief moment, I could see him, and I broke it off with him immediately me after that second date.

So, it looked like it was all about the money, and in many ways it was/is, but slowly I have come to see that it always has been about much more:  power, control, entitlement, mistrust, and shame.

Unlike some of our BPD's, I believe my exbf realized the r/s had no future long before he walked out.  He began planning how he could acquire everything he "needed" from me after my first dose of silent treatment in May 2014. That dose followed my first strong demand for repayment.  Oddly, he would say, "... .but if I pay you back, you won't need me anymore." 

Throughout that 7-10 day ST, BPDexbf would make "surprise" deposits into my checking account but would not speak to me.  Upon his triumphant reentry into my life, when I welcomed him with open arms, he explained that he had really been "mad" at me.  I had never received ST by him or anyone else, so I was puzzled.  I found BPD Family, and 2010 wrote that I had activated "the silent protector." This was all very puzzling for me back in May.

I had worked in and around mental health for over a decade; I knew about BPD, and I had seeN his illness early in the relationship.  (He had professionally been diagnosed as bi-polar, but I knew it was a myriad of pd's).  And while I had been professionally associated with BPD's, I never had been the s/o in a r/s with a BPD.  So, I really don't have the same excuse as others here:  I KNEW I WAS IN FOR THE RIDE OF MY LIFE.  Often I would tell my best friend, "I don't know how this is going to end, but it's not going to end well."  Little did I know that he would eventually abandon me and leave me in substantial debt.

Much of my own dysfunction was believing that I could control it (the disease), that I could help him, that love conquers all, that I truly was the love of his life, that he had truly changed and just needed help (after a 3-year prison sentence).  Most of all I believed I could trust that he never would betray me, cheat on me, and abandon me with no warning, no explanation, and certainly no closure after a one-year, committed relationship. :'(

Looking back, in his own way, I believe he was trying to tell me that he was leaving with cryptic messages: "It's time to become Dark Man," "I really care about you, and that's what makes this so hard." At the time, I just felt that these were more manipulations for more money.  After all, that is how the r/s began.  Then the bottom fell out around mid-July when he stepped up the stalking and surveillance--the kind that Apple, I-Tunes/I-Cloud and my wireless carrier have yet to completely understand:  quite an impressive hacking job.

In text several weeks ago, after my 20-year-old son had confronted him over the telephone (after our not seeing BPDexbf for three months during which he never repaid me or returned my property), exbf informed my son that it was I who had cheated on him and hurt him.  Furious, I had a 3-hour text confrontation with exbf who, for some reason, CANNOT HEAR MY VOICE?

But he did text that his surveillance had given him proof that I had been lying to him (not cheating).  And that honesty was the most important thing for him.  How ironic, as this is a man who has been arrested and incarcerated in the military, locally, and in federal prison--and always for scamming, lying, and stealing money.    Toward the end or our r/s, I stopped telling him where I was going and with whom, and he called this "cheating."  

So several weeks ago, he explained in text that his abandonment was because I hadn't been honest.  Again, this is a man who used my credit card to pay off his car, swearing on his "children's lives" and his Grammy's grave" that he would pay me back.  I since have learned that he was on dating sites, porn sites, hook-up groups, and probably cheating (all of which he had falsely accused me).

So his elaborate rationalization for abandoning me and not paying me back is because I wasn't honest--that I had chosen my "boss" over him, on and on and on.  He created a scenario in his head so that he could leave me in substantial debt and psychic pain, and he believed that somehow all this ugliness would just go away.  Somehow, this is how he believed he would not have to repay me.

So many times on this board, I asked what to do--why had he split me black--were we broken up--what was meant by his cryptic messages--why was he refusing to pay me back--why wouldn't he talk to me--should I pursue a legal venue for recovering my money?  A very special BPD Family member reminded me of the quote, "Evil prevails when good men do nothing."

Over the past week, I have been working with an attorney and trustees to recover my losses--and take care of myself.  Never have I been more convinced of BPDexbf illness.  Last night, when my attorney was meeting him at my office with most of my property, BPDexbf was absolutely terrified that he might have to see me or talk to me:  LITERALLY TERRIFIED.  Is this because I am split black?  Is this because of his intense shame for his mistreatment of me?

I don't know, and I don't want to see him either.  We became triggers for each other. I only want to see him for who he truly is.

In less than one month after abandoning me, he moved to another county with no forwarding address--it was only because of finding him on a dating site that I knew he had moved.  He had continued lying to me on text about his life and whereabouts.  He constantly lies but says he values honesty the most in his relationships.  I believe he moved so that he never would have to see me or any of my friends or service providers who live near me.  He would like for me to be DEAD TO HIM--in a way, I guess we are dead when we are split black.

Last night, I prayed that God would let me see him for who he truly is.  My resulting vision was that he is Smeagle from Lord of the Rings; somehow in my mind, I was able to make him Gollum.  Either way, he cares only about his "Precious" which is money.  He is pathetic.  He is terrifed. He is weak, but I had made him a terrifying monster in my own mind.  I don't know why I couldn't see him before, but I intend to ask my T when I see her next week.  Love was truly blind, despite all I knew about his past and despite his unrelenting abuse of me in the r/s and in the present.

For ALL OF MY BPD FAMILY, I could not be on this road to acceptance without each and everyone of you.  I do pray for you sometimes.   It hurts to read how much you are hurting, and it reminds me of how much pain I was in.  But I promise:  there is healing, and there is acceptance.  THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.  I once was blind, but now I see.  God bless.

[Louise7777]

Hi Loveofhislife!

Im really sorry for all you have been through. Of course you are not alone, many of us here have been through similar experiences. Im glad you see him now for what he really is and I congratulate you for that.

"In less than one month after abandoning me, he moved to another county with no forwarding address--it was only because of finding him on a dating site that I knew he had moved.  "

It doesnt really matter, but maybe he moved to another source of supply (an enabling woman whos giving him $$$).

Seems to me he´s some sort of con-artist, since he has been arrested for that before. I think this will help your case. And above all, I salute you for getting an attorney and fighting for your rights. Thats something that most people wont do for various reasons: they are drained emotionally, they prefer let go and move on, etc. I think by demanding your rights you will heal and also will make him suffer the consequences of his actions and maybe prevent him from exploiting other people. So you´ll help  him get "future victims" (I hope!).

It really annoys me to see how they move on happily to another target, somebody has to stop that and make them face the consequences of their irresponsible behaviour.

Wish you the best. 

[Loveofhislife]

Thanks so much, Louise. It's been a long, hard road. I can see why a lot of people won't make them accountable. We already are so wounded from the abandonment and exhausted from the unrelenting abuse during the relationship that we have to lick our own wounds and prioritize our healing. I've prayed and received a lot of support here and from close friends and family. Thank you.

[peiper]

File charges and be done with it. You've let him live in your pretty little head rent free long enough !

[Loveofhislife]

Yes, Peips--and THANKS. We are planning an eviction and/or exorcism!

[Sandman1881]

I was hacked just the same. Must have similar minions working to support their needs.

Who's needy? Yeah, not me so much.

How pathetic to seek out a replacement as a 43 year old woman. Being alone sucks at first, but I cannot be with just any woman for the sake of not being alone. They can and will and are.

Who is truly weak? I survived you and got away. You're stuck with yourself for life.

Total bull___, self-absorbed predators. Both male and female. Master manipulators and practiced BOLDFACE lies on simple things just to see how much you can tolerate. It's really quite (just cant think of a better word than pathetic). And mine wasn't even hot. An average B at best. A hard D on rough days. Of course she has someone else. She been planning that for months. I had my own opportunities, but I was in her web and was going nowhere fast. I believe the not-so-beautiful masters of this illness, thrive on taking an A guy down. I get the impression it gives them power in their overall lack of, or fading beauty. What can I say, I turned the other way because I was getting my fix and likely first at first.

I was at her mercy and that gave her the power to strike. But I truly believe this woman has the ability to kill and practiced on me that night. Twice!

We will see what come of the charges against her and the trial if there happens to be one. I would expect it as she will see herself as 100% right even against the advise of her attorney if it comes to that. They are ultimately self-destructive.

She hit me for like the 6th different time, I filed charges and they arrested her. NC by court order and harassed the hell out of me without any trouble from the police. I had to discard my own phone to unhook. But it was worth it.

The hardest part for us is detaching. What can I say, some of us love the abuse.

Yes. Why don't we sit here and feel bad for them and their pain? Simply because there doesn't appear to be an existence of empathy for ANYONE that hurts them in ANY way, or threatens to expose their abuse, manipulative, and general bull*hit behaviors.

I'm glad I started on this board and typing this out tonight. It's truly helping. Plus knowing she cannot contact me by court order takes away all of her pleasure in not contacting me anyway. On the other hand, if she were able to contact me, she'd probably be harassing the hair right out of my head.

Guys, keep you heads up. Do some pull-ups and talk to a few random women in casual conversation tomorrow. Just do it and you'll soon feel better again. For the ladies, simply know that there are good guys out here and were are not like this. And we're crystal clear on what to look out for so there won't be a next time - hopefully.

"Where are you?" - none of your damn business. . Peace and love family.

[Louise7777]

I got the "where are you?" email too. Didnt answer. Hes must likely an uNPD. They will suck all our energy, if allowed. I saw what was coming and run to the hills. Funny thing, its amazing how much supply these types get on facebook, it appals me.

Sandman, I feel for you and I agree with you 100%.

"They are ultimately self-destructive."

Very true. But problem is, they take others down with them. We were lucky we cut the losses and let them sink alone.

Like yours, "mine" wasnt hot either. We werent in a r/s, lived in different cities, he made plans but never followed through and I never encouraged (I saw red flags very early). Past middle-aged guy, no resources, no home, no car... only an Harley so he could show off and get attention pretending to be a tough guy. Tried to make me work for him for free (yeah, right!). Later I was told he is a cocaine user. Says he doesnt drink but posts pics with alcohol... .I guess he cant keep up with so many lies over his head. What a catch! 

I wish us all the best, a consistent healing and better choices in the future.