BPDs and Baiting

[jmanvo2015]

It's been about two months now that I've been on these boards, seeing a therapist with BPD and DBT specialization and attending meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics (which also addresses children of "dysfunction" and many people in the group have a BPD parent).

One of the biggest lessons I've learned is about how BPDs bait us into arguments and I want to share about this today.  Learning about my mother's uBPD has finally also led to me accepting my mother's uBPD.  My mother is not an illness.  She is a good person who has a terribly complex and frightening mental illness.  My mother is not her illness, but her illness is a strong part of her personality.  My mother is also not responsible for having a mental illness.  This was caused by an incredibly sad and tragic childhood.  She is responsible, however, for not taking responsibility for it or getting the help she needs. And I have the right to be angry about that because it has caused many problems for me.

One of the ways my mother's illness rears its ugly head on a daily basis is in BAITING.  I am learning all about this and it's been a freeing awakening.  I am starting to recognize my mother's patterns.  She wakes up around 7am and between then and when she leaves for work at 8:45am, I can expect a series of BAITS.  These are all aimed at getting me into an argument AND about making herself the focus of attention.  I have learned that one trait of BPD is the incredible insecurity these people feel.  God forbid you don't pay enough attention to them, or appreciate them enough.  And, trust me, it's not possible to give them the attention and appreciation they require because the well inside of them goes way too deep for any person to ever fill.

Baiting can take two forms.

Verbal baiting - "You clogged the toilet. You are using too much toilet paper." (But, mom, the toilet is old... .) "You are drinking too much coffee. You have no consideration for other people." (But, mom, I'm happy to make another pot.)  For me, this baiting is now predictable.  My mother will verbally bait me 2-4 times during this morning time.  So, now I try to stay in my room during this time.

Physical baiting - Moving my stuff around, not putting it where I want it to be.  Coming into my room when I'm on the phone with my sponsor.  Taking the sheets off of my bed to do my laundry when I can easily doing it myself and then finding my diary and my BPD books.  Closing my window when I've opened it. Turning off my fan when I've just turned it on, etc.

Believe it or not, it's WONDERFUL to finally recognize baiting for what it is: A dysfunctional plea for attention and affirmation.  "You're a great mother!" AND, an urge to start a fight so she can relieve all of that pent-up stress that lives inside of her.

But, guess what?  I'm not taking the bait!  Now that I recognize and understand this pattern, I'm finally saying to myself, sometimes 20+ times per day, "You can't win an argument with insanity."  YOU CAN'T WIN AN ARGUMENT WITH INSANITY.

So, acceptance has truly become a path for healing.  I've never understood this concept until now.

[funfunctional]

Hello jmanvo2015,

I am happy that you have reached a turning point and level of awareness that will help you now cope with the wierd behaviors of your mom.

Glad you are getting support and help.    Glad you also are being so compassionate in seeing her illness as that.

I think you are on a good path to healing.   

I hate arguing and fighting and avoid it like the plague.   If you don't take the bate you can hopefully keep avoiding the fights.   Wonder if she will employ new strategies to fight with you if those no longer work.   Hmmmmm.    Keep an eye out for that.     They crave and want the attention and drama.   

[Barbara Smith]

Thank you jmanvo2015.  My mother is also incredibly insecure and does resort to baiting. I love the way you've separated her from her illness.  I know I can never fill the deep hole in my mom, but when she's in her worst place, it helps me to just tell her positive things about herself and apologize for whatever she is upset about.  I don't live with my mom, so I don't have to deal with it on a daily basis.  I gave up trying to win at anything with my mom a long time ago.  Your post is so compassionate and peaceful and hopeful.  Thank you again.

[smrk871345]

Verbal baiting - "You clogged the toilet. You are using too much toilet paper." (But, mom, the toilet is old... .) "You are drinking too much coffee. You have no consideration for other people." (But, mom, I'm happy to make another pot.)  For me, this baiting is now predictable.  My mother will verbally bait me 2-4 times during this morning time.  So, now I try to stay in my room during this time.

This is what I decided two years ago when I first moved back home - to just wait until she leaves the house before I get out of bed. (Luckily I have a job where I can start late enough and not be forced to eat breakfast with her.) I realized that my mother has no boundaries in terms of timing. She will go off on me first thing in the morning and ruin my day, or 10:30 at night as I'm getting ready for bed. She has no concept of what's a good time to talk about certain problems or what's the best approach.

Thank you for clarifying this with the term BAITING. That is exactly what she does. She's looking for an argument. I don't always recognize it but I think I'm getting better. One time I didn't react to her prodding because I was watching something, and then afterwards I thought about what she said and realized she was just trying to pick a fight. Since I didn't react, she moved on to something else and forgot what she was blaming me for.

And also she turns everything into a character issue. Like you said, "You are drinking too much coffee. You have no consideration for other people." That is exactly word-for-word what my mother would say, when "other people" just means her. She's GLOBALIZING. My brother and I had to endure lots of character assassinations growing up for not washing dishes, not making our beds, for leaving lights on or the door open or the window or for having our music too loud... .you know, typical kid things. Our childhood behavior was judged as lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, and "YOU wouldn't leave the lights on if YOU had to pay the electric bill!"

[goingtostopthis]

jman,

     Ive really have found your post enlightening.  Youve caused me to see something from a different angle I havent considered. Ive been having to deal with my mom and my sister. My mother too has  had a tragic childhood and there has all ways been something about her that is not all there and very frustrating. My sister, I cant say for sure what her problem is, but something isnt right and I think what been starring at me this whole time with her is BPD.

                  She does things that seem so obviously triggering, so much so that my mind out of staying sane says:  No,   this isnt what she's doing, when I think the whole time, the answer is yes,   this is what she is doing. Its like what you said about your mom taking your sheets off your bed when you are perfectly capable of doing this your self. My mom and sister group together on this kind of stuff. It never occurred to me that the reason for this treatment could be for attention. It never occurred to me that it could be intentional for attention because of their deep seated insecurities. I totally get that feeling of just going into your room and staying there.

              Im going through a wierd behavior phase with my sister now,  where she will make a plan to have me help her with something,  I will be there, willing to help her along,  and then she wont show up or communicate with me that she has shown up, and then she will just go ahead and do it herself with out telling me. Its like she's trying to set me up to looking bad, like I refused to help her so she can go tell my mom that I didnt help her, or she's trying to make me feel guilty or something. I have no clue why she keeps doing this. All I know is that this is how it makes me feel. It pisses me off. Its like she likes to play the martyr even if she has to manipulate a scene that makes her feel that way. It's ridiculous. Ya. and it triggers me. I feel guilty when there is no reason in the world why I should. I cant read her mind. How am I to know she doing some task where she needs help if she just goes ahead and does it, while I have no clue she's even doing it, when she intentionally doesnt tell me?  The only conclusion I can come to is that she wants me to feel guilty and she sets it up that way.  I think its passive aggressive and very much like your situation, it gets her attention, it gets me all nervous and feeling bad and I guess she gets a control trip on me over it by my reaction.  Its stupid. She not getting any more reactions from this, from me, anymore.  She can go knock her self out all alone as far as I care.