New Therapist, Deep Breath

[claudiaduffy]

So, after the train wreck that was this last year under the influence of my uBPDmil***, I've been having bad dreams and other difficulties shaking her lingering presence in my mind, as well as ongoing frustrations with my own uBPDmom (who is better behaved, but still pervasively disordered.) It is time to go back to therapy. It's not that the tools I've learned for working through things about my mom aren't good anymore, but I just need some coaching to make sure I'm not healing crooked after all of this.

I found a licensed psychologist in our insurance network and met with her earlier this week. It wasn't really a therapy session so much as a goal-setting session, getting to know each other a little to see if we're a good fit. I'm not sure if we are. I am sure that I'm reacting with a bit of panic because she looks a bit like my mom used to. And because, with all the listening she gave to my story, there wasn't much time for her to say anything, and I feel afraid she will think we were too harsh on my MIL. I recognize these feelings for the unfounded things they are, but it was surprising to me how strongly defensive I felt by the end of our short session. I'm going back on Monday for our first real session and we'll see how it goes. I have no problem with stopping going to someone who wouldn't work well for me, but I also don't want to let panic drive my decisions without foundation.


***Beginning with over-the-top verbal and written attacks on many friends and family besides me and my then-fiance, mostly because he had told his parents they needed to move out of his house which we were going to sell; my enFIL died suddenly one week before our wedding; MIL tried the role of sweetly grieving widow for a few weeks before realizing it wasn't going to work to make us decide to take her in to live with us; MIL got herself hospitalized for suicide threats; MIL chewed us out in front of her social worker, whom she also turned on and chewed out - this was the last time Duffy and I saw MIL; MIL left all her belongings (an entire household of stuff) in Duffy's house and "moved" halfway across the country to live with her sister; we put all her stuff in storage and put the house on the market and informed her of such; after a few months MIL decided her sister was abusive and tried to move back and, when she found she couldn't and that we would no longer speak with her (because of dramatic and relentless attacking/abusive emails, phone messages, and more), began fullscale character assassination on us to anyone who would listen to her. Several months of that went on, and then she married a widower in an adjoining state. We did not go to the wedding. She continues to try to get in contact with us, sending gifts, trying to call and email, though we told her clearly that we would not be in contact and would be blocking all electronic avenues of communication.