Fall/Winter Blue BPD

[takingandsending]

Hi all. Things have been going pretty well the past month and a half or so between my uBPDw and me, in so far as no major blow ups or arguments ... .just skirmishes. 

But, I am definitely noticing the last 2 weeks that she is struggling more as the sunlight fades from this part of the world. It's as if the darkness in her psyche really takes root. We have installed the full spectrum lights (our bathroom is like super nova bright), but to little avail. I am feeling a dread of running the Halloween-S9 birthday - Thanksgiving - my birthday - Hannukah/Christmas  gauntlet. And basically, this is a time that I love and is actually special to me, but her despondent moods laced with explosions of anger and resentment and obligation just sap me. I was hoping that I might weather it better this year, and we did seem to do better through Halloween - like all her crazy fear and aggression toward people who like Halloween didn't have to ruin the kids' fun. But this downturn is picking up steam.

When I reflect that even just last year, I was ready to walk out because it had become so toxic, it is better so far this year. And I am pretty committed to maintaining boundaries and just doing what feels good for me and the kids and letting her sort out her feelings in her own way. Still, if anyone has a good joke or two or a funny story to share, that might help me more than anything. I guess what I am wondering is how you manage your own fear when things start falling apart. Just needing a little pep talk, here.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[enlighten me]

This is something thay I noticed with both my uBPDexs. They were both affected by winter. I put it down to SAD (seasonal affective dissorder). In summer they are both full of the joys of life but winter can be quite miserable. Im not sure how SAD works really must look it up. Christmas was always misrable with my ex wife as it is also her birthday. No matter what I did I could never get it right.

[takingandsending]

Agreed, enlighten me. But what did you find helpful for you during the dark times? How did you manage it? I am finding it harder to maintain my own positive thoughts when she is so sensitive and overwhelmingly negative. I have suggested that she take a whole month away somewhere sunnier, mostly for the much needed relief it would bring me and the boys.

I should be clear, she isn't raging right now. I am just noticing the accumulation of complaints and sensitivities growing each day, and past experience has me thinking I should have a strategy.

[ColdEthyl]

Yep, it's a thing. My dBPDh does get more depressed/on edge in the winter. If anyone watches Game of Thrones, for me the phrase "Brace yourselves... .Winter is coming!" has a bit of a different meaning

Best thing I've found to do is when we have any break of decent weather to get him outside. Being in nature and sunlight improves his moods.

[Grey Kitty]

I should be clear, she isn't raging right now. I am just noticing the accumulation of complaints and sensitivities growing each day, and past experience has me thinking I should have a strategy.

Strategy:

1: Validation. Work at it. Hard. Regular dosage of it, not just to head off rages / dysregulations.

2: Separation. Schedule time for yourself away from her, regularly to keep your batteries charged. Don't just wait for when you need a time-out.

[takingandsending]

Thanks, Grey Kitty. Good advice. I have been struggling with validating lately. I will put it on a schedule like a medication.

I have to keep my own self well to help me be there for my family. Feeling a bit more confident.

I appreciate the good thoughts, all. Thank you.

[Wanda]

my husband always is  more edgy during this time of  year for years i wrote it off as something else.    HE usually is irritated more use to be horrible now just edgy,.

and yes my favorite time of year also. but i do a lot of validation and actually reading a lot of the skill and tools  now due to this is what he needs right now i usually can't wait till the  holidays are over due to his edginess. I also do more of making sure to take care of me...