Maybe separating from BPDh is the best option...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

These two quotes are speaking to me today:

"I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."

Been struggling with uBPDh last couple years. Maybe we'd both be happier single. He's getting therapy now but I see a lifetime of struggle if I stay. We've always been opposites but now our opposites don't complement each other. On top of the emotional roller coaster, I'm always accommodating him and I'm neglecting my own personal wants/needs including my health. I'm setting more boundaries which he doesn't like. I am happier when he's not around. Now he says he doesn't want to have any of his own children, as he doesn't want to pass this on to them which I respect. But he also says possibly no adopted children either. This is a deal breaker for me. I'm not going to accommodate him with not having children. Struggling between staying or going. Maybe he will change his mind if he gets better, or maybe I'll just be wasting my time.

Anyone else here who has left, who feel they made the right choice?  Any words of wisdom?

[See Rainbows]

These two quotes are speaking to me today:

"I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."

Been struggling with uBPDh last couple years. Maybe we'd both be happier single. He's getting therapy now but I see a lifetime of struggle if I stay. We've always been opposites but now our opposites don't complement each other. On top of the emotional roller coaster, I'm always accommodating him and I'm neglecting my own personal wants/needs including my health. I'm setting more boundaries which he doesn't like. I am happier when he's not around. Now he says he doesn't want to have any of his own children, as he doesn't want to pass this on to them which I respect. But he also says possibly no adopted children either. This is a deal breaker for me. I'm not going to accommodate him with not having children. Struggling between staying or going. Maybe he will change his mind if he gets better, or maybe I'll just be wasting my time.

Anyone else here who has left, who feel they made the right choice?  Any words of wisdom?

[seenoevil]

Hi See Rainbows,

I have been struggling with this decision also.  I don't know if I made the right choice, maybe one day I will regret it, but just recently I decided to leave.  It has taken me a long time to get here.  It is a very difficult decision, but you have to follow you gut instinct even if your brain is fearful of making such a big change. 

I don't have anything in common with my wife anymore. There is nothing to look forward to doing with her.  She has no intention of changing her ways.  Just like you I saw a lifetime of struggle if I stayed.  I have known this for several years now and my anxiety has prevented me from making the decision. 

In my case I decided I was not going to let my wife make important life decisions for me any longer.  I wanted to regain control of my life and respect myself, but its a constant fight with her.  If our love is real, it will have to find a way to get us back together again after getting divorced.  but, I'm not going to waste any more time in a one-sided marriage.  14 years is more than enough.

I would be interested in reading a reply from someone who divorced a BPD and felt they made the wrong choice.  I have not seen the first one yet.

SeeNoEvil

[See Rainbows]

Hi See Rainbows,

I have been struggling with this decision also.  I don't know if I made the right choice, maybe one day I will regret it, but just recently I decided to leave.  It has taken me a long time to get here.  It is a very difficult decision, but you have to follow you gut instinct even if your brain is fearful of making such a big change. 

I don't have anything in common with my wife anymore. There is nothing to look forward to doing with her.  She has no intention of changing her ways.  Just like you I saw a lifetime of struggle if I stayed.  I have known this for several years now and my anxiety has prevented me from making the decision. 

In my case I decided I was not going to let my wife make important life decisions for me any longer.  I wanted to regain control of my life and respect myself, but its a constant fight with her.  If our love is real, it will have to find a way to get us back together again after getting divorced.  but, I'm not going to waste any more time in a one-sided marriage.  14 years is more than enough.

I would be interested in reading a reply from someone who divorced a BPD and felt they made the wrong choice.  I have not seen the first one yet.

SeeNoEvil

Hi SeeNoEvil   

Thanks for your response. It's comforting to know there are others out there in similar situations. I guess I just need to get to the point where I've had enough. It's hard because I know it's a mental illness, and I'm a very loyal wife. I feel like if he had a stroke or something, I'd stay with him, so why would I not stay with him for this?  When he rages I'm always questioning myself like why am I still here?  But then eventually he calms down and is sweet as pie again. It's a nasty cycle. I feel I can't have normal relationship discussions with him anymore without him reacting with rage. Even if I was going to leave, how would I stay strong with him contacting me after when he's not raging?  Asking me to come back?  I definitely do feel like you that I have lost myself in trying to always accommodate him first. I do want to find myself again.

So at what point did you know you were going to leave and not look back?  Thanks