Found him on a dating site.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi guys!

My xSO isn´t BPD, he´s uPAPD (passive-aggressive) with N traits (or full NPD, I dont know anymore).

We live in different countries, he came to know me, lead me to believe many things that never happened (normal NPD/ PAPD behaviour). Im stuck in this stupid situation for many years now. For some time I have detached and I realize Im a source of N supply to him.

Just connected on skype and saw he had changed his profile, put his email there (I think its a new one, I dont remember it), so I googled it and got to a dating site... .LOL. My heart didnt even jump (as it did while he gave me hope and I found him in another one years ago). Funny thing, he´s there for 4 years and last logged in yesterday. I wonder in how many dating sites he is.

The thing is (and I should know better), he says he´s not looking. I dont know why lie, when Im the one who tells him he should get married (I should stop giving him advice/ help/ supply). By now I should be 100% aware that he doesnt mean what he says and he doesnt say what he means.

Funny part: he describes himself as down to earth. I wonder if he really sees himself like that or if he lies on purpose. 

And now the only important thing: I should had moved on long ago and I didnt, Im still stuck. Not because of him, but I guess I became afraid of dating again.

Any words of encouragement would be soo appreciated! Or maybe a slap in the back of the head too. Thank you for reading.

[Louise7777]

Hi guys!

My xSO isn´t BPD, he´s uPAPD (passive-aggressive) with N traits (or full NPD, I dont know anymore).

We live in different countries, he came to know me, lead me to believe many things that never happened (normal NPD/ PAPD behaviour). Im stuck in this stupid situation for many years now. For some time I have detached and I realize Im a source of N supply to him.

Just connected on skype and saw he had changed his profile, put his email there (I think its a new one, I dont remember it), so I googled it and got to a dating site... .LOL. My heart didnt even jump (as it did while he gave me hope and I found him in another one years ago). Funny thing, he´s there for 4 years and last logged in yesterday. I wonder in how many dating sites he is.

The thing is (and I should know better), he says he´s not looking. I dont know why lie, when Im the one who tells him he should get married (I should stop giving him advice/ help/ supply). By now I should be 100% aware that he doesnt mean what he says and he doesnt say what he means.

Funny part: he describes himself as down to earth. I wonder if he really sees himself like that or if he lies on purpose. 

And now the only important thing: I should had moved on long ago and I didnt, Im still stuck. Not because of him, but I guess I became afraid of dating again.

Any words of encouragement would be soo appreciated! Or maybe a slap in the back of the head too. Thank you for reading.

[fromheeltoheal]

Or maybe a slap in the back of the head too.

OK.  Stop Googling him and looking at his profiles.  Facebook, dating sites, whatever, my ex loved texting, those technologies allow connection at a very weak level, very little of the complete message someone is communicating can be communicated in writing; borderlines, for example, love that stuff because it allows a connection but at arm's length, so they can keep from getting triggered.  I read way too much between the lines, and it became a trap, cloaked as a fantasy.

Anyway, I've used dating sites, but it was important to me to graduate to the phone as quickly as possible, at least then you get the tone of voice, and then Skype maybe, but best to meet at a coffee shop or something.  To me it was just too much work with a low success rate, much better to meet people in the real world, where we can tell really quickly if there's possibility there, and with our new finely tuned BPD radar, spot those types quickly too.  I dunno, to each his own, but the internet is a very handy tool, it just sucks at building real human connection.  Except here of course... . 

[Louise7777]

Fromheretoheal, thank you for your answer. Actually, he doesnt have facebook account ("Im very careful, dont want to be exposed"  . He´s a workaholic and proud of it. But he´s stupid enough to use the same email on skype (he uses for family) and dating sites. Im not stalking him, I just opened skype to add a friend and there was some change on his profile, so I googled the email and voilà!

He´s not the type that goes out (at least always said so), so I guess internet is a pool full of fish for him. All the women he met (me included) was through internet. Religious guy, doesnt drink, etc. Displays a nice façade but reality is quite different, i have seen his dark side and it isnt pretty.

I will definetly go out next weekend, I need to try my luck, I have been stuck and hopeless for too long. I need to socialize ASAP.

Im kinda mad at myself for seeing the same again. I lost years on this stupid situation. But to my own surprise, Im not depressed or sad, maybe it was the last nail in the coffin to move on 100%.

[fromheeltoheal]

Displays a nice façade but reality is quite different, i have seen his dark side and it isnt pretty.

Yep, me too; someone who values attachments above all else will get good at creating façades.

Anyway, that's them.  You joined this site the same time I did, coming up on 2 years ago, and like you the emotional energy is gone now, and life is going pretty well, but it's time for a great relationship.  I've dated some since I left her and hooked up with some fck buddies, but lately I'm focusing on who I need to be to be with the girl of my dreams.  Not be someone I'm not mind you, but where does my focus need to be?  I read something here a while ago that continues to strike me, something I knew a long time ago and forgot: live by your values.  Responding to the emotion of the day doesn't work, and going after what I want and need doesn't work in itself, but living out of our values always works.  I like my values, and it's a great focus shift to live by them, and great people have shown up in my life doing that, I think I'll keep doing it.

Have fun next weekend!  I've been getting out of my comfort zone on purpose lately, and new situations do take a while to get comfortable in, but that's OK, that's growth, and it's definitely not stuck.  Take care of you!

[Louise7777]

Thank you so much, fromheeltoheal.

"You joined this site the same time I did, coming up on 2 years ago, and like you the emotional energy is gone now, and life is going pretty well, but it's time for a great relationship.  I've dated some since I left her and hooked up with some fck buddies, but lately I'm focusing on who I need to be to be with the girl of my dreams."

I didnt realize I have been here for 2 years. Anyway, Im WAY behind you, I havent dated at all. Zero. Nothing. I met a guy a coule of months ago in a pub (he was British) and was just spending a few days here. But he seemed to nice, so normal, so easy-going that he gave me hope that things will change for me. He complimented me, was kind and above all, had some good vibe. I even posted about that, cause it was just a relief to know that not everybody is an uPD (I know that intelectually only).

I must get out of my confort zone. Im glad for your improvement. Thank you for your advice, I will do my best to have that positive attitude. My best wishes to you.