Taking a break, want to break up, trying to stay strong

[messageinabottle]

Hi everyone, I'm so happy that this forum exists.

I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years with someone with borderline. I've come to this site several times during the relationship, and it has predictably followed all the stages described... .

Several times I tried to end the relationship but gave in to my own guilt and my partners threats to hurt herself if i left. A week ago I said I want to break up, and after a long intense discussion that was downgraded to a break for 2 weeks (no contact).

During this break so far I feel AMAZING, a weight off my shoulders. And I know I have to stay strong and not go back to the relationship in any way. I'm scared even to be friends because I feel like the relationship would have exactly the same problems and suck the life out of my just like the romantic relationship has done.

I'm seeing a counselor but they are not experienced in BPD stuff, but they are supportive. And I have friends who support me to leave the relationship, so I feel very lucky. But I am anxious that in one more week i have agreed to talk to my (ex)partner. And I'm very worried that I will find myself agreeing to things I don't want, like couples therapy, being friends, or even getting back together!

So thanks for reading... .

Any advice is appreciated... I will write again on here to follow up how it goes!

[Aussie0zborn]

The best advice I can give you is to read every single post on this forum. Do you really want to endure a pain (as you eventually will if you continue) that most people say takes two years to recover from? Just don't do it to yourself. You sound like you're in a good place right now so why not stay there?

You owe her nothing. You both tried, it didn't work out. Thank her for her time, then make sure she thanks you for your time and wish her well.  You have a T, you have supportive friends, you can do this. Just don't ___ up. Good luck.

[messageinabottle]

thanks Aussie0zborn, I appreciate your words of encouragement!

[camuse]

If she's BPD, you are toast - she knows you are set to abandon her, I wouldn't be surprised if she ends it during the 2 weeks to get in first.

You know it's going nowhere, if I were you I'd read read read, then get out now before you get painted black.

I know it's easier said than done though, and hope you are ok.

[Deeno02]

Hi everyone, I'm so happy that this forum exists.

I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years with someone with borderline. I've come to this site several times during the relationship, and it has predictably followed all the stages described... .

Several times I tried to end the relationship but gave in to my own guilt and my partners threats to hurt herself if i left. A week ago I said I want to break up, and after a long intense discussion that was downgraded to a break for 2 weeks (no contact).

During this break so far I feel AMAZING, a weight off my shoulders. And I know I have to stay strong and not go back to the relationship in any way. I'm scared even to be friends because I feel like the relationship would have exactly the same problems and suck the life out of my just like the romantic relationship has done.

I'm seeing a counselor but they are not experienced in BPD stuff, but they are supportive. And I have friends who support me to leave the relationship, so I feel very lucky. But I am anxious that in one more week i have agreed to talk to my (ex)partner. And I'm very worried that I will find myself agreeing to things I don't want, like couples therapy, being friends, or even getting back together!

So thanks for reading... .

Any advice is appreciated... I will write again on here to follow up how it goes!

Good for you! I had no clue about this disorder until AFTER I got the rug pulled out from under me. Listen to the folks, read, read, do the lessons, and RUN! The pain was/is unbearable... .

[outside9x]

If she's BPD, you are toast - she knows you are set to abandon her, I wouldn't be surprised if she ends it during the 2 weeks to get in first.

You know it's going nowhere, if I were you I'd read read read, then get out now before you get painted black.

I know it's easier said than done though, and hope you are ok.

While I agree with the above it's still a matter to find someone suitable, so maybe in two weeks she won't.  It's great you are seeing a counselor.  It be better if one was trained working with them and had knowledge of this emotional disorder.  It will help them to give you tools and communicate a bit better.  

Having said that though, if you like the person your with, ask them to read up on the illness as far as relationship go.  This might help them a lot, if you haven't already and they should be curious about this anyway, if they wantto help.  

[Spartacus]

It is so difficult to make that initial leap just to get some space to reflect and see the relationship with a more balanced perspective. So really well done for getting that distance. I had such a push and pull dynamic with my uBPDw and was under her spell that it took a major gaslighting incident to shake me to my senses. She went too far and after nearly 3 years I finally started to join up the dots and stop taking responsibility and the blame for all her woes. Unfortunately this awareness only came 3 weeks after the wedding. Initially all I wanted was to take some time and space to think. She wasn't able to give me that and her behavior became increasingly difficult. It was the hardest and most distressing thing I have ever done but I found the strength to leave I am so glad that I did it. I went NC after writing to her and saying what I felt. I found the anxiety overwhelming at times starting with guilt of what I had done and then at the thought of being persuaded to go back. I knew that for my own health and happiness I had to stay away from her. She has not accepted this. Do stay strong. Be prepared for the recycle attempts and keep talking to your friends and family as they can give you the grounding amidst the chaos. Best wishes and hang in there.