Hardly speaking to me--should I care?

[jedimaster]

My uBPDw has hardly spoken to me in several days.  She goes from cordial but reserved to barely acknowledging being spoken to, or giving one-word answers.  I'm really not certain what she is upset about.  Not that it really matters, if it wasn't one thing it would be another.

In the past this behavior would bother me to the point I would eventually push to get it out in the open, which would then result in a good long verbal whipping and after she had accused me of everything she could think of and I had groveled and apologized, she would eventually wind down and resume speaking to me.

This time I don't think I'm going to bother.  I really don't feel the need to push her to talk to me.  I am making every effort to be pleasant, cordial, and thoughtful, and use the same tone of voice I would if everything was hunky-dory.  The amazing thing to me is, I don't care.  I feel good--I feel good about myself, confident, happy.  My happiness and self-worth is finally not tied to her state of mind!  I have gone on to my support groups, continued my daily routine, had a good long convo with my adult son about the situation, and I feel really good.  If I can maintain this state of mind within myself, she can take as long as she wants to come out of this shell.

Is there any reason not to continue on as I am doing?  I'm content to wait on her to make the next move unless there is some reason not to.  It feels pretty nice to be my own person and not be tied to her moods.  I don't want to rock this boat unless I'm harming things by waiting on her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

Maybe try to find out the emotion she if working with... and validate it.

[jedimaster]

Maybe try to find out the emotion she if working with... and validate it.

I think that's a good idea, but if at all possible I will try to find out in some kind of roundabout way.  Based on past experience, the "Honey, what's wrong?" route is just an open invitation to fire all phasers.  Also I don't want to be seen as allowing myself to be manipulated by her silent treatment into a place where she can unload on me.  I am trying my best to present as if I'm utterly oblivious, and just be as normal as is possible to be. 

She has also been going around doing all kinds of cooking, cleaning, and extra chores, many of which are usually things she will ask me to do when things are "normal."  That's another M.O. --- "look at me I'm being the perfect housewife; see how perfect I'm being?  Obviously the problem is with you because I'm the perfect wife." 

I may be on the wrong track here, but I feel like acknowledging any of this the way I have done in the past will just feed bad behavior and lead us down the same unproductive path we've been before.  If I can get a sense of what is driving it this time, I'll be glad to work at validating her feelings, but she is being very tight-lipped about what is behind it all.  I think she is trying to draw me into a situation where she can make me the bad husband, and I am determined not to give her that opportunity.  Not that it matters because if she decides she's had enough, she'll invent whatever is needed, but I'm not going to hand her a reason if I can help it.

[formflier]

  "Honey, what's wrong?" 

Yep... .that's bad... .I'm surprised she wouldn't also fire photons... .and beam over an away team to seriously kick some tail end... .

And... .I thought you were a Jedi... .not Kirk.  Dude... .the BPD traits are getting to you... .

Next time... .reference the death start tractor beam... kinda like when they were getting sucked in... .in Episode 4... and had to shut down and hide. 

Ohh... I know... .even better... .when the death star was about to clear the planet and be able to fire on the rebel base.  Dysregulation starts in 2 minutes... .1 minute... .she has cleared the planet... .the firing solution is getting locked in...

But wait... .Jedimaster has turned off his targeting computer... .in fact... .he logged out of BPD Family... .the force is strong in this one... .

He closes his eyes... .fires his torpedoes and they go down the thermal exhaust port... .and as he is pulling out of the trench...

Jedimaster says to his wife... ."Help me understand the emotion you are feeling... ."

and I am determined not to give her that opportunity.  Not that it matters because if she decides she's had enough, she'll invent whatever is needed, but I'm not going to hand her a reason if I can help it.

There is negative energy there.  pwBPD traits seem to be very tuned in to this.  Instead of focusing on what not to do... .focus on what you want to do... .validate here.

Note:  With invalidation... .absolutely focus on not doing that... .

[jedimaster]

Wow, you're good.

We need a lightsaber icon.  Or something on here.  Maybe a little Millennium Falcon.  Or a life-size Yoda.

I tend to jump from galaxy to galaxy depending on the quote needed.  I'm an equal fan of both universes.  I like the science in Trek and the idea that it's our galaxy and our future, but it's hard to beat a good epic yarn with lots of spaceflying gadgets and heroes who can levitate stuff  

I think I get where you're coming from.  I want to be able to detach from the drama but at the same time not be too negative or cynical about it all.  She could easily drive me to that.  I will look for opportunities to try to understand what she is feeling, not "why" she is doing what she is doing.  The "why" is always me; I get that. 

FWIW, I've tried the "Help me understand... ." statements in the past and they misfire about as often as they work, at least for me.  They seem to generate responses along the lines of "You should already understand if you [cared/were paying attention/loved me/respected me/etc].  But I'm willing to give it another shot if the right opportunity presents itself.  It may be that prior to learning more about BPD I wasn't prefacing or following up with them in the best manner.

Nevertheless, the Dark Side will not prevail... .we will subtitle this one Another New Hope, and keep making sequels until we like the ending 

May the Force be with you!

[AnnaK]

"Honey, you look upset" is a better choice

If that too triggers a doomsday, listen carefully and fish for projections.

Ignore all the rest or acknowledge where it makes sense.

Like this speech for example: "... .but you work all day, don't switch off the light, don't wash dishes and after what you've done, I don't want you by my side!... ."

- you work all day - ignore it

- you don't switch off the light nor wash dishes - acknowledge

- after what you've done, I don't want you by my side!... .- projection

Answer: "you are right, I always forget to switch off the light! I'll make a point. But I still want you near me - did you do anything that makes you feel ashamed?"

[Grey Kitty]

I've got another take for you on this situation. (Sorry, no jedi references this time   )

I would suggest that if she doesn't want to talk to you (her actions say it directly) and you don't feel like talking to her, (you speak of this), then don't. Nothing wrong with that... .and those moods will pass for both of you in their time. That's my "practical" advice on actions to take with her right now.

Digging deeper... .She's not speaking to you. That *IS* rejection. You feel it. You know it. So does she. Read this workshop:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

Silence a.k.a. Withholding is the most damaging and hurtful form of verbal abuse. One might think that in order for the behavior to be considered verbal abusive words need to be spoken. This misunderstanding of verbal abuse adds to the recipient’s confusion within the relationship. The recipient of silence/withholding may believe the relationship is functional because the abuser may communicate functional information, but refuses—through silence/ withholding (non-responsive)—to communicate on an intimate level.

I remember tears streaming down my face when I first read this workshop and started letting it sink in what she was doing to me... .and reading others speak to what it did to them.

I'm not suggesting you wallow in the hurt feelings, and I'm ABSOLUTELY not suggesting you react blindly to those feelings by chasing her and poking her until she starts talking to you. As you said, you used to do that... .and you know how badly it worked.

I personally am working very hard at experiencing my feelings about things like this as I'm going through them. It isn't easy, but I do recommend it. Once I've been through the tears, the anger, I find that out the other end my values are clearly exposed to me, and what actions I can take that support them are clarified too.

[formflier]

FWIW, I've tried the "Help me understand... ." statements in the past and they misfire about as often as they work, at least for me.  They seem to generate responses along the lines of "You should already understand if you [cared/were paying attention/loved me/respected me/etc].  

It should be in the "even" delivery... .then... ."You're right! I would like to already understand it... .can you help me get better at this... ."

Then... .if she get's nastier... .don't bite.  STOP. 

sorry you feel that way.

That's your opinion

Ohh.

Perhaps you are right...

You just have to listen to how specific she is being.

Don't get an in an argument about you should be a mind reader... .but you can agree that you want to be better at anticipating things... .

[jedimaster]

Grey Kitty,  believe you are right--it IS abusive, and in the past it has hurt deeply.  The interesting thing is that when I thought through my feelings about this the other day, I realized that it still hurts, but not in the "WOW I've got to do something to change this!" way it used to.  I'm not pleased with the situation and I miss the intimacy that belongs between us.  But having been working on me the last few months and having learned more about BPD the last several weeks, I feel a confidence and security in myself that has been missing.  I can deal with this, and if it takes a while, it takes a while. I'm not going to force a resolution just to get past this.  I'm taking the opportunity to work on myself a bit and waiting to see if the steam will dissipate gradually rather than blowing the lid off. 

I am still going to look for an opportunity to try formflier's suggestions, but I am determined to wait for the best time, and not feel panicked or rushed to do anything.  This is not going to happen on her timetable this time.

I like AnnaK's idea to acknowledge the things that have some factual basis and ignore the ones that are over the top.  I do try to do that when I can.

[jdtm]

I

s there any reason not to continue on as I am doing?  I'm content to wait on her to make the next move unless there is some reason not to.  It feels pretty nice to be my own person and not be tied to her moods.  I don't want to rock this boat unless I'm harming things by waiting on her.

   

I vote for the above.

[BobHarley1968]

Wow, I just found and registered on this site today and this is the first post I read, and my BPD spouse does the same thing. When I was in my denial,, I use to chalk it up as the silent treatment, and it would infuriate me. I'm learning to tone down and get better with my emotional response to the point where if she steps up her BPD traits, then I step up my self-care activities. Still frustrating though, but I'm tired of punching doors. Just for today, day # 7 of silent anger, threatened divorce, blame blame blame, and the old "I hate you but damn you if you ignore me." (I wrote that with a smile as it just doesn't ad up does it?

Thanks for letting me share

BobHarley

[jedimaster]

Hi Bob,  I'm new to this myself, although I've been dealing with it for almost 34 years without a name or realizing it wasn't me.  The knowledge that I am not alone and other people's experiences are similar is so incredibly empowering.  After 3 decades I feel like I can survive this now, and the rest of my life does not have to miserable, whether my wife's is or not.  I am responsible for my choices, not hers.  That is a 10-ton load off my shoulders.  I hope you find as much help and support on here as I am finding.  Welcome!

[BobHarley1968]

Hope so. Some days are harder than others. Trying real hard to be stable for the kids and take care of my health, but since yesterday the following:  she prepared and ensured everyone had diner last night Except me, slammed the bedroom door 5 times during the night while huffing and puffing lip smacking disgust, yelled all morning at the kids getting ready for school, yelled at me in front of her girlfriends at the school (I had to bring an item to my son), making plans to sell very valuable property (foreign country which is in her name) for half the price presumable to "get even" (for something I am not aware I have done), and refuses to engage in logical rational conversation.

It is good to know I"m not alone, and I have my support network of close people, but this is crazy. Man. Has me questioning my own sanity. My depression has come back (stable on meds myself), and I'm the one with a shrink appointment today.

When you don't know what to do, the hardest thing to do is nothing. 

At what point does one say they need to go?  I'm really questioning leaving her, but have to be very sure as there are kids involved. If it was just me, I'd be gone already.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

Bob

[jedimaster]

At what point does one say they need to go?  I'm really questioning leaving her, but have to be very sure as there are kids involved. If it was just me, I'd be gone already.

Boy, that is indeed the question, isn't it?  My kids are all grown now, but one has intellectual disabilities and will always live at home, so it's somewhat like still having a little one.  Fortunately he is the one person out of 7 billion Earthlings that my wife consistently interacts with normally.  But I'd hate for him to have to deal with why Daddy isn't here any more. 

My wife has usually (not always) behaved herself more or less in public, but for the past week she has done a version of what you describe, hardly speaking, speaking in a very low tone of voice because she knows I have some hearing loss, muttering audibly to herself (which she only does when she wants me to hear her; otherwise she never talks to herself).  Curiously, she's been upstairs in the attic packing and moving tons of her arts and crafts supplies to have a big rummage sale this weekend.  She is going to have foot surgery in about 10 days and despite my detailed explanation of how we could manage the deductible, she has determined she will sell off her art supplies to pay for the surgery.  It should provide her at least a decade of "look what you made me do" material.

She just left the room after finally breaking her silence with a major dysregulation.  There's not time to go into all the details, but of course I'm at fault for everything, real and imagined.  After a little rough start I was able to apply several things I have been learning; probing for the feelings driving her actions; validating; only responding to or agreeing with accusations that might have a grain of truth and offering to change those, etc.  It helped a little although with her trust issues it throws her when I catch myself JADEing and stop doing it.  We are about to add on to our house to finish a way-overdue rebuilding project, and in spite of the fact it has been discussed ad infinitum, she feels that all the decisions are being made without her.  These sci-fi movies are missing some good material; I just got back from a trip to alternate reality nobody would believe 

I have kinda sorta got her to agree that we will, one more time, sit down with the builder and go over the plans and the budget, one more time, so that she feels that she is a part of the decision-making process.  I am all but certain this meeting will never happen, because that will take away her power to come back later and say "but that wasn't what I wanted and you never consulted me." 

On the plus side, I feel fine.  I am not stressed, I am not upset.  I think it bugged the crap out of her that she couldn't break me.  She kept accusing me of being arrogant.  I finally said at one point, "No, through all my therapy and support I am learning to believe in myself.  What you are seeing is self-confidence."  That wasn't all that well-received, but I could tell it kind of caught her off guard. 

Tomorrow I am going to help her move some of her stuff down for her rummage sale.  I intend to be as nice and thoughtful and helpful as I can possibly be.  I told her I had the day off and would be more than happy to help.  The only thing I have going is my support group tomorrow evening.  "Support group? On Veteran's Day?" "Yes, dear, on Veteran's Day."

This particular support group meeting will have one attendee.  And they are meeting at the IMAX theater to see Interstellar.   

I gotta have a break.

[Grey Kitty]

"Support group? On Veteran's Day?" "Yes, dear, on Veteran's Day."

This particular support group meeting will have one attendee.  And they are meeting at the IMAX theater to see Interstellar.   

 AWESOME!

(I'd like to add an adjective to that... .but the forums will delete it anyway, so I'm skipping it.)

[jedimaster]

This morning, more "discussion," more dysregulation.  The conversation 12 hours before notwithstanding, she was furiously backpedaling away from the idea of sitting down together with the builder.  Not at all unexpected--no way she is going to give up the power to criticize and deny any responsibility.  

One funny item--in the convo she warned me that she was telling people about my "bad" behavior, including my parents (she ran into them at the polls last week).  What she didn't know was that I had already talked to my parents and had the real scoop on how things went at the voting booth.  Seems she was telling anyone who would listen that "he could make money on that farm if he'd just do what I tell him to do."  Which according to my parents was met with behind-the-back eye rolling    It sounds like I don't have a lot to worry about as far as her spreading false information  

No need to go into detail but the rest of the conversation was just mind-boggling to listen to.  It is heartbreaking to stand looking your wife of 33 years in the eyes while she completely disassociates from reality.  I can't be angry when I feel so sorry for what is going on in her mind.  I really hurt for her.

On another interesting tack (there were several), she is impatient because all of my therapy, meds, support groups, etc., are not producing results quickly enough.  Meaning of course her BPD hasn't gone away since she sent me to get "fixed."  Since she was in therapy for years when she had a complete breakdown about 13 years ago, I could tell her that I certainly sympathized with that one as I had been in those very same shoes.  But of course her issues were completely different, so that doesn't count.  

So in order to help this process along, she would like the name and phone number of my counselor, so she can call him and make sure he understands the situation.  The old hands on here may not agree, and if you see a problem please tell me, but I see this as a golden opportunity.  She has consistently refused to go to counseling with me, and I think it would be just wonderful for my T to get the full, 3-D, technicolor surround-sound experience of a conversation with my wife about me.    Any objections?

Last point--my "support group" meeting tonight was great!  EveryONE was in attendance--and "Interstellar" was superb.  It is the "2001: A Space Odyssey" of this generation.  Very well done.  TARS is my new favorite droid.

[Grey Kitty]

I wouldn't give her your T permission to talk to her about you. (Your T doesn't need permission to hear what she has to say.)

Joint T is well... .fraught with problems with a pwBPD. I wouldn't expect good results there.

And if she wants to tell your T how crazy you are and how everything is your fault... .that won't go well: She will likely blow up if your T doesn't agree with her... .nothing good there... .and if your T does agree with her, it won't help you either!

In short... .I don't see any positive outcomes for your r/s!

My suggestion is to tell her that your T is  your business, and she can butt out of it. Tell her she is welcome to get her own T if she wants one, and that you will be happy to go to a different couples T if she wants to pick one out and schedule appointments.

[jedimaster]

Thanks GK.  I'm still mulling it over and I wanted to get some feedback from the community, so your input is welcome.

Do know this--if I let her contact him, he will not have permission to do anything more than listen.

We tried joint counseling years ago--one session.  Didn't go well.  Wife practically blew the T off her chair with her rant about me.  Neither the T or I got in two words in the whole session.  And afterwards I got a major dressing-down and cussing-out in the parking lot for ambushing her.  This was long before I knew anything about BPD and any kind of coping skills.

Please understand that I am gathering feedback and balancing anything you advise against my knowledge of my wife and my T, and my desire to have my T get as much data as possible in order for him to better understand our situation.  My mind is still open and I want to weigh all the pros and cons.  I appreciate your honesty and I'm not ruling it out yet, but I'm definitely going to take what you're saying and give it a lot of weight.

[formflier]

 

Quick answer:  More later.  I tend to think letting her talk to T is good.

I also think going back to MC is good.  Keep going back... .let the dysregulations burn themselves out.  Even keep switching counselors if you need.

We are on 4th or 5th marriage counselor over 5 years... .and this one is getting traction (relatively).

My reasoning is that this will not likely get better "on its own"... .so whenever you can expose her to mental health system... .I say do it.

Also... .I would only proceed on project if she meets with builder and is in the lead.

Finally... .you need "help" on the far... .she should help "show you... " how to make money ... since you don't listen so well...    

[jedimaster]

Thanks, FF.  I hate the answers I'm about to give because I hate it when I try to help someone/give advice they have asked for and all I hear back is "but, but, but... .".  But do understand I appreciate all your comments and I have sincerely tried, hard, some of the things you suggest.

Having said that, let me respond:

I would be happy to let her talk to the T and ecstatic if she'd go to MC, even if she just sat there and raged at them.  I have begged, pleaded, bargained, etc, multiple times.  After that one time about 10 years ago, she won't go near one.  She is convinced joint counseling is just a way for the T and myself to gang up on her.  She will not put herself in a position where her reality can be outvoted.

The builder is a longtime family friend and has done a lot of work for us and other family in the past.  He even did much of the existing interior work in this house, and he even let her help tile the showers.  I have honestly tried to let her lead, which either ends up with us going around in endless circles discussing unaffordable projects, or with her dysregulating and throwing it back to me.  We are to the point where this has to be done, and if I can't get her on board, then it will have to be done without her cooperation.  In the end it really won't matter who leads, as she will complain and she will find fault.  She constantly complains about the shower in our bathroom, which she tiled.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I have told her I needed her help to show me how to make money on the farm, then I'd be making real money from the farm!    I'm afraid it's a dead-end as well.  I'm going to start looking for ways to downsize it to something manageable, as she is moving on.  Once she abandons something, she almost never returns to it.

I had a thought this morning regarding contacting my T.  In her rant yesterday she talked about wanting to make sure "I" treated her just like normal--nice tone of voice, etc.  Which I have done and continue to do, yet she immediately went back to barely speaking.  I think when she brings up the T again I may call her on her behavior and tell her that when she is willing to treat me normally, I will then know that she is sincere about our r/s; otherwise I can't understand why she thinks talking to him would help me if she doesn't want to do a small thing like being polite and civil.

[formflier]

 

More later... .but make sure you are sure things "have to" be done.

If she causes the stalemate... .don't rescue her... .let the complainer be the fixer... .get out of the way.

Right now... .most likely you are soothing "her issues"... .her personal growth... .and your long term happiness... .depend (in large part)... to you getting out of the way... and let her learn to self soothe.

She probably won't like this... .in the short run... you won't either... .

No guarantees it will work... .but... .are you willing to leave status quo... .for years... the rest of your life.

If you change... .she will have to.

Last... .don't beg and plead anymore... .discuss... decided... .you go... .she makes choice to tag along or not.

[Grey Kitty]

I think when she brings up the T again I may call her on her behavior and tell her that when she is willing to treat me normally, I will then know that she is sincere about our r/s; otherwise I can't understand why she thinks talking to him would help me if she doesn't want to do a small thing like being polite and civil.

Sorry... .I don't see any good outcomes there.

She's behaving horribly.

Part of her horrible behavior is projecting what she's doing onto you.

If you "call her on it" you are invalidating her. Do you look forward to dysregulations? GK's favorite hint: Nothing good will come of this!

The clean thing is to hold your ground, and not let the stuff she projects on you stick. Calmly tell her once that you don't feel that way/believe that/whatever, and it isn't a topic you are willing to discuss with her. Then stop talking about it. If she circles back, end the conversation.

If she makes a BIG issue about talking to your T, there isn't much of anything wrong with giving her the name and phone number of your T. I'd suggest doing that much, and letting things happen from there.

You already said you wouldn't authorize your T to say anything to her about you. No need to discuss this with her.

[bounty]

My BPD has been giving me the silent treatment for about 1 week this time.  Usually I am the one that gives in and tries to communicate and fix things.  Not this time although I did text him the first day I told him we need to talk and or get counseling ... . no answer.   So I did'n't answer either and here we are a week later sleeping in different rooms and going on with our life's.  This time is different my daughters have moved out and I no longer need to make piece for their sake.  I have been giving in and being fake for a long time.  

[jedimaster]

"Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed." Proverbs 15:22

Thanks all for the advice!  I am learning to treasure the input of the people on this forum.  After reflection you're probably right, GK, I need to just give her the number if she insists and let the rest be.  She'll be what she chooses to be and no use invalidating her further.  It's difficult to remember to try to think like her and not think about how an ordinary person would react.

Formflier, yes, the work has to be done.  Long story, but we live in a nice large home that is only about 6 years old, but it is not completed. It has no kitchen.  The insurance company is already making noises and if we don't get this done they will almost certainly non-renew us when it comes up in the spring.  Thanks to chasing my wife in circles while she refused to be consistent with the design as she burned through the money we had set aside for this, we have one last shot, financially and time-wise, to get this done.  I'm trying to accommodate her as much as possible, but I can literally only go so far.

I'm in pretty much the same boat as you, bounty.  I am being pleasant and cordial, but I am not going to beg her to talk.  I have a little hearing loss and she is keeping her voice as low as possible so I have to come to her and ask her to repeat stuff.  I decided this morning that is coming to a halt as well.  If I don't hear it; she didn't say it, period.  She brought up the separate rooms thing after we get this work done and for the first time ever I said, "When we get the building done, if that makes you more comfortable we can try it."  At this point it would make me more comfortable to have a place I could retreat to.

[Grey Kitty]

It's difficult to remember to try to think like her and not think about how an ordinary person would react.

Don't let them drag you down to their level. They will fight you there, and beat you with experience!

[formflier]

Don't let them drag you down to their level. They will fight you there, and beat you with experience!

How do you know the difference between letting them drag you down... .and getting out of their way.

My gut reaction to Jedi's situation... .is all this stuff that "she" wants... .let her get it... .and he can beam himself off to the galaxy that he wants to create. 

Not leave the r/s... .just do what he wants.

In other words... .let her do goats... .let her do tile... .let her do all that.  This assumes Jedi doesn't want a part of it... or like getting b___ed at about it.

I have had some success in this regards around house projects.  I'm a handy guy... .and I've quit doing them.  Was tired of being cussed over them. 

So... she started... .messed some up... .b___ed some about how hard it was... etc et... .dealing with contractors... .people wouldn't call her back... .

Then... after many months... .she asked some questions that seemed "real"... .as in ... .how do I do "xyz"... .I gave answers... her project went better.

So... I've recently began doing some small stuff... .painting up high where she is scared to go... .and the boys and I put in some insulation.  Now she is happy the room is warm.

And here is the thing... .she seemed warm... .grateful... .not a hint of anything bad. 

It's one of the many areas that we have made progress in... .

Say... .I wonder if that's why she sent me that picture... .  

[jedimaster]

OK, she's speaking now, but the explanation will have to wait for another thread.  It's just too surreal... .

[bounty]

I'm in a good mood today. Got calls on a few jobs  Went to the gym did some shopping and had to get a new car battery.  Last time we talked he attacked me on my cooking and said I "burn everything" after a few weeks of making him dinner every night that he ate and took leftovers for lunch.  How crazy making if I burn everything what has he been eating.  Well during this last silent treatment I haven't been cooking but tonight since he was helping me and putting my car battery in I made some dinner.  Well he came in and ate some cold leftovers (that I made).  I didn't offer him dinner but he knew I was cooking.  He did not eat any and now is downstairs watching TV.  I am not going to kiss his ass.  If he wants to eat he knows I made dinner.  These are the games he plays. Usually I have to give in to keep peace ... .not this time.  Any suggestions?  am I doing the right thing?

[jedimaster]

I'm still a newbie but I'd say you're doing the right thing.  Everything the advisors on here keep saying points to not giving in to or encouraging bad behavior.  If he wants cold leftovers rather than fresh cooking, let him eat them and don't even acknowledge that you noticed.  Good moods and good days are valuable treats.  Don't let him mess with your happiness. 

I'm finding out by trying things that there are ways to keep peace (at least relative peace) and not give in.  They have us nons believing that giving in is the only thing that will work, when in reality all it does is keep feeding the fire. 

I have this billy goat on my place.  Whenever he can find a weak spot in the fence he gets out.  It's much easier to grab a scoop of feed and lead him back through the gate than to wrestle him in by the horns.  So, what does he do but immediately starting looking for a new spot to get out.  He doesn't want to run away; he wants me to use more feed to lead him back home.  By my taking the easy way out, I have allowed him to train me to give him what he wants.  When we give in to keep peace, then the pwBPD realizes that the way to get what they want is to create chaos.  We have to find a way to break that cycle.

[formflier]

 

Nice goat example... .

Have you trained them to jump on the milking stand yet?