Anger

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I think, after almost 3 weeks ... .I've begun to feel angry!

I'm angry that I did everything for him, only for him to treat me so poorly. He has not tried to initiate contact once, nor inquire about me after my car accident. He's back doing what he used to do... .drinking, smoking and hanging around his old college friends. I guess coping the only way he knows how.

After all our time together, regardless of who's fault it is ... .how do you just not care? I still care but I'm so done allowing him to control my thoughts. If he's out, great! I hope he's having a great time. He'll never find another me and he'll never make it. He needs to his his own personal bottom and he never would have with me always saving him.

I am no longer going to try to contact him, when he clearly doesn't feel the need to do the same. It's easier for him to move on, and forget about his shame and bad behavior.

I wish him the best, but at some point ... .I need to start to put myself first. I may never FULLY understand how he could just "walk away" but I do know that I will find someone who is worthy of my time. Someone who, even if the relationship does end ... .is mature enough to give me closure.

The fact that he has ended things so abruptly, and then continuously tries to blame everything on me ... is a testament to his immaturity and inability to have a relationship.

I give up fighting for something that is long gone and maybe never was.

[lovethebeach]

I think, after almost 3 weeks ... .I've begun to feel angry!

I'm angry that I did everything for him, only for him to treat me so poorly. He has not tried to initiate contact once, nor inquire about me after my car accident. He's back doing what he used to do... .drinking, smoking and hanging around his old college friends. I guess coping the only way he knows how.

After all our time together, regardless of who's fault it is ... .how do you just not care? I still care but I'm so done allowing him to control my thoughts. If he's out, great! I hope he's having a great time. He'll never find another me and he'll never make it. He needs to his his own personal bottom and he never would have with me always saving him.

I am no longer going to try to contact him, when he clearly doesn't feel the need to do the same. It's easier for him to move on, and forget about his shame and bad behavior.

I wish him the best, but at some point ... .I need to start to put myself first. I may never FULLY understand how he could just "walk away" but I do know that I will find someone who is worthy of my time. Someone who, even if the relationship does end ... .is mature enough to give me closure.

The fact that he has ended things so abruptly, and then continuously tries to blame everything on me ... is a testament to his immaturity and inability to have a relationship.

I give up fighting for something that is long gone and maybe never was.

[Inside]

I think anger is legit, if part of the healing process.  Your perspective is accurate, in every way.  But it’s one thing to ‘know you’re right,’ and another to put it into practice... . 

It’s difficult, we were headed one direction, they, another…  They hit their internal limits, not ours.  It feels natural for them to ‘monkey-branch’ to another host … whereas we, though having seen plenty of red flags, have the ability and desire to strengthen a r/s. 

We expect that, had they only recognized our love, they’d have bonded forever.  But they can’t…  They’re broken, and can only go so far in a r/s.  And though they’ll ‘go there’ fast - they only hit their wall of limitations that much harder … and their limits become our limits. 

Staying angry has been difficult for me.  I know my uBPDxgf wanted love, and likely tried with all she had, perhaps assuming ‘this time’ would be different…  I think ‘every time’ they sincerely feel ‘this will be the time it works,’ but it can’t.  Again, not our fault. 

Some suggest we be mad at ourselves, for having ignored multiple red flags…  Well, I’d never been BPD’d before, and won’t ever again, so refuse to beat myself up for it.  Again, your description is perfect - just hold to it and you’ll heal.  Sadly, he won’t…

[DangIthurts]

Thats why I'm on here distraught that all I did and was willing to do and poof for something less than what i've put up with she said I might forgive you, but not for a long time and she's been gone for 3 weeks... I hit a deer and stupidly reached out for support (If I was dying and had her number up I wouldn't call today after that) she couldn't have been more cold sure I got "sorry" and "you ok" but in the midst of that "wow its not even that bad" "all you care about is your car anyway"

Meanwhile I was out driving around because I was sad. (she now thinks I did it on purpose so I could blame her , cause who doesn't love insurance hikes)

Look we both and everyone here for that matter, is trying to make sense of a nonsensical person. This guy and my girl may very well have real caring feelings for you or I, but in order to survive the way they have they cannot let those feelings come through like we do. We thrive on those feelings to live and feel full they use those feelings when it suits their needs or they feel like they have to do it to get something or keep something.

I'm no saint did my share of bad in this relationship mostly out of not knowing what I was dealing with. I have no idea if mine will ever contact me again, she's got plenty of low self esteem guys she could latch onto at any second, so its far easier than dealing with someone who will confront her out of love.

Personally I'm not sure I really want a relationship with her and I know I'll get better and recover in a few months, what I feel like I need is validation I'm worth talking to again, which trust me it'll hurt if she never contacts me again, especially after an abusive ex made it 3+ years and I could barely make it a year.

Bottom line you are better off then the people here who get played around back and forth for decades. If he just vanishes like mine and they never return, I think we are both lucky we didn't end up with kids, marriage, vindictive divorce, etc.

[lovethebeach]

Inside:

What do you mean my description is perfect, and he won't heal?

DangItHurts:

I got into an accident a few days ago as well. Called him too. I got the same "sorry, you okay?" After I was seen at the hospital, no ... "how are you?" "What did the doctors say?"

He never checked up on me.

He's been so cold and distant through this whole process. It's the hardest process.

But I think you're right, minimal damage. Just two years invested.

[DangIthurts]

Oh mine was much more fun

it went kinda like this, after a week of no contact we haven't spoken since it happened again... .

Me: Got in an accident

Her: Sorry

Me: thanks

10 minutes later [keep in mind I've got people calling from months ago being more caring]  Her: you ok?

Me: Yeah cars screwed

Her ok, least you have the other car LOL send me pictures (this was the car I'd bought her that I had to take back when she wanted to break up... Again kick me while I'm down much, a dream car I wanted her to enjoy and keep her safe now a joke )

Me:  (I was sad by the comments then had to help the tow guy get it on the truck so i wasn't looking at my phone

Her: Wow can't read fine.

Me: sorry putting car on flatbed, here are pictures

Her: wow not even a big deal

Me: Um oil and fluids across the entire highway, and my bumpers broke in half

Her: it can be fixed

Me: ok sorry to bother you

Her LOL OK

Me: Huh?

Her: go play with your car thats all you care about

Me: Um no I was out driving around because I was sad about us

Her: why? Its been a week

Me: ?

Her: I'm at work I'm busy

Me Ok

[FlyingAway]

Me: Um no I was out driving around because I was sad about us

Her: why? Its been a week

Wow. This sounds like a conversation I might have had with my BP. I wonder if she meant "It's [only] been a week, [why are you sad?]" or, "It's been a [whole] week, [why aren't you over it]?"

Thinking maybe it's the latter. Kinda scary.

[DangIthurts]

Me: Um no I was out driving around because I was sad about us

Her: why? Its been a week

Wow. This sounds like a conversation I might have had with my BP. I wonder if she meant "It's [only] been a week, [why are you sad?]" or, "It's been a [whole] week, [why aren't you over it]?"

Thinking maybe it's the latter. Kinda scary.

Since she's not contacted me at all, out at a club, since that I'm guessing that was it.

Actually to clarify the next day her brother said she was walking around their house saying I did it on purpose to blame her... .I sent her a text when I wouldn't have to clear that up as best as possible... .Then went back to sleep a friend of ours messaged her about all this I guess making her not feel like the victim she blew up at me saying why are you and your friends stalking me (I didn't know about the message the friend sent) she went over why we broke up and said well I'm not forgiving you for a long time, call me some nasty names as I stayed calm just said I love yah and care, more names called me a rich boy and not a man and I can't handle myself...

I sent one last text saying I don't think I'll ever be able to handle myself when someone I love hates me and doesn't want me around" she read it never responded its been about 5 days since that.

Not sure if you can provide any opinion on that

[fred6]

Me: Um no I was out driving around because I was sad about us

Her: why? Its been a week

Me: ?

Mine said the same type of thing to me. After she split from me, I still lived with her for about 2 months while finding a place to live. I remember few weeks before I moved out, I was having a bad day. She said, "It's been 5 weeks. You're not over this yet?". All the while, thinking to myself. "Over this?  I really didn't even want to wake up this morning". They let go so easily when they supposedly "love" you.

The bad part about it is that she knows how bad of shape I was in when I moved out. But yet, just like you guys. My ex hasn't contacted me to even see how I'm doing. I guess she doesn't care how I'm doing, even though she caused most of it with her inhumane treatment of me.

[DangIthurts]

Me: Um no I was out driving around because I was sad about us

Her: why? Its been a week

Me: ?

Mine said the same type of thing to me. After she split from me, I still lived with her for about 2 months while finding a place to live. I remember few weeks before I moved out, I was having a bad day. She said, "It's been 5 weeks. You're not over this yet?". All the while, thinking to myself. "Over this?  I really didn't even want to wake up this morning". They let go so easily when they supposedly "love" you.

The bad part about it is that she knows how bad of shape I was in when I moved out. But yet, just like you guys. My ex hasn't contacted me to even see how I'm doing. I guess she don't care how I'm doing, even though she caused most of it with her inhumane treatment of me.

How longs it been for you, thats what I'm wondering... I still have the car I bought her parked outside, ring, other stuff... .I'm juts not sure what to do with it all... .I don't think she's coming back, but its 50-50 from what you read on here most people who think they're gone for good they come back, and those that they'll come back never do.

Mine is on social media a LOT when we'd fight it might be one picture a day, now its like 3+ a day I don't know if its because I've stopped posting at all on what we can mutually see, but she's ramped that up BIG time.

[Inside]

 

Inside:

What do you mean my description is perfect, and he won't heal?

I was tempted to copy or highlight your entire post, as I thought it was ‘perfect’ in describing where you are - and what you need to do.  You’ve got the perfect view or understanding of the situation and only need the strength to implement and follow through. 

After we discover BPD and that our SO’s fit the discription, it often becomes obvious what we need to do to move on with our lives.  The hardest part (that keeps some of us here) is maintaining the strength of will to follow our own advice.  I think you nailed the problem, and the solution, now stick with it

Regarding ‘him,’ if he has BPD, it’s forever.  Though he may appear to have happily moved on, it won’t last.  You are healthy, he is not.  And though pwBPD are experts at making us doubt ourselves - it’s not us, at least anywhere near the extent they’d make it out to be…  He has a lifetime mental illness.

You’d said: “He'll never find another me and he'll never make it.”  Though likely written in anger - you are exactly right, and unfortunately, it’s that simple.  So use that anger to hold your ground, look out for you, and move ahead

[DangIthurts]

Though he may appear to have happily moved on, it won’t last. 

Yup mine is constantly smiling in every picture since breaking up, but then a few days later someone messages me who didn't know we broke up why is she talking about "being single and alone sucks"

[myself]

I still have the car I bought her parked outside, ring, other stuff... .I'm juts not sure what to do with it all... .I don't think she's coming back, but its 50-50 from what you read on here most people who think they're gone for good they come back, and those that they'll come back never do.

If and when she comes back, would that be good for you or not?

Doesn't mean it'll work out, or that she deserves your car, ring, etc.

When someone projects as much crap as a pwBPD does, no wonder they very often just cut and run. Turn away and not look back. Easier to flush/discard us than to acknowledge and really clean up their messes.

[DangIthurts]

I still have the car I bought her parked outside, ring, other stuff... .I'm juts not sure what to do with it all... .I don't think she's coming back, but its 50-50 from what you read on here most people who think they're gone for good they come back, and those that they'll come back never do.

If and when she comes back, is that good for you or not?

Doesn't mean it'll work out, or that she deserves your car, ring, etc.

When someone projects as much crap as a pwBPD does, no wonder they very often just cut and run. Turn away and not look back. Easier to flush/discard us than to acknowledge and clean up their messes.

LOL thats the big problem... I think her anger and hate is so vast she couldn't come back and make nice instantly (although she did it when she got busted on a dating site). I'm telling you this now from the long thread I wrote now, as much as I know it won't change and as bad as its been. If she came back and started showing up and said the right things. I'd cave. I've not caved to groveling I feel like I did that each cycle and I'm not setting that precedent or letting her be free to go out and party while I grovel waiting. But yeah if she reopened contact and tried to move forward... .Sadly my mindset isn't good enough to turn her away :/

I do have another car purchase lined up after my accident car is fixed so if I can make it another two weeks of no contact I'll at least sell the two cars the damaged one and the one for her... .


my feelings are she either will never come back or it'll be like "happy thanksgiving" I think you're very right, she'd rather never contact again than face having to come back... .Again I think out of spite .

Also introducing her to things she's never experienced I don't know if thats good or bad for the next guy... I can tell you this was her first REAL loving relationship that didn't involve someone physically attacking her or cheating on her. So Idk where that leaves me in her mind although she has tried to play the victim since leaving.

[fred6]

Me: Um no I was out driving around because I was sad about us

Her: why? Its been a week

Me: ?

Mine said the same type of thing to me. After she split from me, I still lived with her for about 2 months while finding a place to live. I remember few weeks before I moved out, I was having a bad day. She said, "It's been 5 weeks. You're not over this yet?". All the while, thinking to myself. "Over this?  I really didn't even want to wake up this morning". They let go so easily when they supposedly "love" you.

The bad part about it is that she knows how bad of shape I was in when I moved out. But yet, just like you guys. My ex hasn't contacted me to even see how I'm doing. I guess she don't care how I'm doing, even though she caused most of it with her inhumane treatment of me.

How longs it been for you, thats what I'm wondering... I still have the car I bought her parked outside, ring, other stuff... .I'm juts not sure what to do with it all... .I don't think she's coming back, but its 50-50 from what you read on here most people who think they're gone for good they come back, and those that they'll come back never do.

We broke up on July 20 and I moved out September 20. So I haven't seen or talked to her since September 20, so it's been about 7 weeks. We've exchanged 2-3 texts and they were kind of hostile towards me. I initiated all but one of them. The one she initiated is only because she wanted to know if I had paid her no seatbelt ticked that I promised to pay.

I'm pretty sure that mine isn't coming back. My ex has some weird independence and as stubborn as a "crazy" mule. In her mind, coming back to me would show weakness on her part and that will never happen. For us to recycle, I would have to initiate contact, at the exact right time, and while she was in a certain mood. So basically, I have as good of a chance to win the lottery. Anyhow, I don't want her back after the things she has done to me.

If I were you, I would dump the car and the ring. Even if she comes back, she doesn't deserve those things from you. But that leads to the question. Do you really want her back?

[Deeno02]

Inside:

What do you mean my description is perfect, and he won't heal?

DangItHurts:

I got into an accident a few days ago as well. Called him too. I got the same "sorry, you okay?" After I was seen at the hospital, no ... "how are you?" "What did the doctors say?"

He never checked up on me.

He's been so cold and distant through this whole process. It's the hardest process.

But I think you're right, minimal damage. Just two years invested.

BPD's dont heal unless they want to. Remember, they have not done anything wrong. Its us who are the bad ones.

[DangIthurts]

Me: Um no I was out driving around because I was sad about us

Her: why? Its been a week

Me: ?

Mine said the same type of thing to me. After she split from me, I still lived with her for about 2 months while finding a place to live. I remember few weeks before I moved out, I was having a bad day. She said, "It's been 5 weeks. You're not over this yet?". All the while, thinking to myself. "Over this?  I really didn't even want to wake up this morning". They let go so easily when they supposedly "love" you.

The bad part about it is that she knows how bad of shape I was in when I moved out. But yet, just like you guys. My ex hasn't contacted me to even see how I'm doing. I guess she don't care how I'm doing, even though she caused most of it with her inhumane treatment of me.

How longs it been for you, thats what I'm wondering... I still have the car I bought her parked outside, ring, other stuff... .I'm juts not sure what to do with it all... .I don't think she's coming back, but its 50-50 from what you read on here most people who think they're gone for good they come back, and those that they'll come back never do.

We broke up on July 20 and I moved out September 20. So I haven't seen or talked to her since September 20, so it's been about 7 weeks. We've exchanged 2-3 texts and they were kind of hostile towards me. I initiated all but one of them. The one she initiated is only because she wanted to know if I had paid her no seatbelt ticked that I promised to pay.

I'm pretty sure that mine isn't coming back. My ex has some weird independence and as stubborn as a "crazy" mule. In her mind, coming back to me would show weakness on her part and that will never happen. For us to recycle, I would have to initiate contact, at the exact right time, and while she was in a certain mood. So basically, I have as good of a chance to win the lottery. Anyhow, I don't want her back after the things she has done to me.

If I were you, I would dump the car and the ring. Even if she comes back, she doesn't deserve those things from you. But that leads to the question. Do you really want her back?

mines too... I offered her ungodly amounts of money to help her financial problems she wouldn't take them, I offered to spend 3+ days a week helping her learn her subject and not drop out she dropped it, pay for school no... The only time she apologized was after the dating site incident... .But just like yours coming back is almost admitting I'm worth having and I think its far easier to walk then let me get any indication I was worth having around. Just like her brother saying she was walking around the house saying nice things about me and that she was gonna text me, but then never did... Probably snapped out of whatever euphoria she was in.

I got the comments "I don't need help i'll work 12+ hour shifts till I collapse and die" "I don't care what happens to me I'll do it myself"

[fred6]

mines too... I offered her ungodly amounts of money to help her financial problems she wouldn't take them, I offered to spend 3+ days a week helping her learn her subject and not drop out she dropped it, pay for school no... The only time she apologized was after the dating site incident... .But just like yours coming back is almost admitting I'm worth having and I think its far easier to walk then let me get any indication I was worth having around. Just like her brother saying she was walking around the house saying nice things about me and that she was gonna text me, but then never did... Probably snapped out of whatever euphoria she was in.

I got the comments "I don't need help i'll work 12+ hour shifts till I collapse and die" "I don't care what happens to me I'll do it myself"

Dang, When did you guys break up? How long since you've seen or talked to her?

[willtimeheal]

Though he may appear to have happily moved on, it won’t last. 

Yup mine is constantly smiling in every picture since breaking up, but then a few days later someone messages me who didn't know we broke up why is she talking about "being single and alone sucks"

Mine keeps posting about how lucky and happy she is. Although it hurts and is like a knife thru my heart... .I remember back to last summer when she was telling everyone how happy she was.  All the while she was texting me saying she was miserable. When I asked her about what she was telling everyone she said , "I would never let them know I was miserable." 

So you are correct, It won't last. Bpds are incapable of being happy.

[DangIthurts]

mines too... I offered her ungodly amounts of money to help her financial problems she wouldn't take them, I offered to spend 3+ days a week helping her learn her subject and not drop out she dropped it, pay for school no... The only time she apologized was after the dating site incident... .But just like yours coming back is almost admitting I'm worth having and I think its far easier to walk then let me get any indication I was worth having around. Just like her brother saying she was walking around the house saying nice things about me and that she was gonna text me, but then never did... Probably snapped out of whatever euphoria she was in.

I got the comments "I don't need help i'll work 12+ hour shifts till I collapse and die" "I don't care what happens to me I'll do it myself"

Dang, When did you guys break up? How long since you've seen or talked to her?

Major fight where she said shed kill me oct 15th I picked up the car and ring 16th when she refused to apologize then she threaten to post stuff I wouldnt' like that day so I deleted her off fb that day

Then two days NC she was back sending song lyrics saying nice things for a weekend look to be perfect that whole following week was bad lack of texting no plans  calling me annoying then I snapped on the 26 when she canceled on me I'd gotten my hopes so high called her a b* and liar... .Then she blocked me on instagram (I've been unblocked for awhile apparently she told me on our last chat), told me never contact her again or she'll get a restraining order (yeah really ) then no contact all that week of halloween just her brother stirring up my emotions saying nice things, she still has a thing for me, give it time.  then my accident on the 4th, where she said all this, I shouldn't have texted but i did... 5th I spoke to her where she called me names and said everyone was stalking her and she'll forgive me in a long time, called me a rich boy not a man ... Too which she read my last text and never responded.

So nothing since the 5th just tons of happy pictures on instagram of her and now back out at bars and really no constant contact since the week of halloween *oddly too during that week I ignored her one full day and she got really pissed at the end of the day "too busy to talk to me? yeah thats never happened before, maybe tomorrow you'll be free to talk to me" she ignored me all that following day *baffled... .Before I knew about BPD

Though he may appear to have happily moved on, it won’t last.  

Yup mine is constantly smiling in every picture since breaking up, but then a few days later someone messages me who didn't know we broke up why is she talking about "being single and alone sucks"

Mine keeps posting about how lucky and happy she is. Although it hurts and is like a knife thru my heart... .I remember back to last summer when she was telling everyone how happy she was.  All the while she was texting me saying she was miserable. When I asked her about what she was telling everyone she said , "I would never let them know I was miserable."  

So you are correct, It won't last. Bpds are incapable of being happy.

yeah just wait like clock work unless someone si even worse off then she is they'll cut n run, or cheat on her when she shuts down... .Most guys aren't like some of us here who remain loyal through all the tough times... .I think thats why we take it the hardest is because we genuinely have good intentions.

[fred6]

Dang, It's probably time to try and go NC and cut all ties in my opinion. Seems like a lot of drama since you don't think she's coming back anyways.

[fred6]

I think, after almost 3 weeks ... .I've begun to feel angry!

I'm angry that I did everything for him, only for him to treat me so poorly. He has not tried to initiate contact once, nor inquire about me after my car accident. He's back doing what he used to do... .drinking, smoking and hanging around his old college friends. I guess coping the only way he knows how.

After all our time together, regardless of who's fault it is ... .how do you just not care? I still care but I'm so done allowing him to control my thoughts. If he's out, great! I hope he's having a great time. He'll never find another me and he'll never make it. He needs to his his own personal bottom and he never would have with me always saving him.

I am no longer going to try to contact him, when he clearly doesn't feel the need to do the same. It's easier for him to move on, and forget about his shame and bad behavior.

I wish him the best, but at some point ... .I need to start to put myself first. I may never FULLY understand how he could just "walk away" but I do know that I will find someone who is worthy of my time. Someone who, even if the relationship does end ... .is mature enough to give me closure.

The fact that he has ended things so abruptly, and then continuously tries to blame everything on me ... is a testament to his immaturity and inability to have a relationship.

I give up fighting for something that is long gone and maybe never was.

I think that it was about 3-4 weeks after I moved out when the anger started with me. For me though, I kind of went back and forth with the emotions. I keep cycling through them all. It's probably different for everyone though. Even though I'm cycling through them, the intensity of the emotions are getting less and less as time goes on.

[DangIthurts]

Dang, It's probably time to try and go NC and cut all ties in my opinion. Seems like a lot of drama since you don't think she's coming back anyways.

Well she's not contacted me, I don't plan on contacting her... .I guess after two days no contact her saying or hinting at working it out calling me hun and babe even if it was just a quick euphoric moment clearly shows she's got no issues re-engaging if she wants... .

I guess we'll see... Personally I got my butt kicked I don't think she's coming back... .Although where she lives and the people she associates with most users, drug addicts, etc. she'll have a tough time of someone who meet the standards I set for her during our time together. Anything she needed she had, time, affection, any amount of money, all that... She was shocked I paid for every meal when she was always paying for other guys. I think now that she's seen how she can make it (remember she changes the relationship to how she wanted I fell into what she wanted) work with someone like me it'll be tough to go back to someone who won't do what I did and to those insane degrees and while treating her with dignity and respect granted I lost it a few times I always apologized ten fold. Thats not to say I doubt some other guy will get sex, or get affection.

Who knows thats why I'm on here asking for help haha cause I'm a mess, she seems fine .

I think, after almost 3 weeks ... .I've begun to feel angry!

I'm angry that I did everything for him, only for him to treat me so poorly. He has not tried to initiate contact once, nor inquire about me after my car accident. He's back doing what he used to do... .drinking, smoking and hanging around his old college friends. I guess coping the only way he knows how.

After all our time together, regardless of who's fault it is ... .how do you just not care? I still care but I'm so done allowing him to control my thoughts. If he's out, great! I hope he's having a great time. He'll never find another me and he'll never make it. He needs to his his own personal bottom and he never would have with me always saving him.

I am no longer going to try to contact him, when he clearly doesn't feel the need to do the same. It's easier for him to move on, and forget about his shame and bad behavior.

I wish him the best, but at some point ... .I need to start to put myself first. I may never FULLY understand how he could just "walk away" but I do know that I will find someone who is worthy of my time. Someone who, even if the relationship does end ... .is mature enough to give me closure.

The fact that he has ended things so abruptly, and then continuously tries to blame everything on me ... is a testament to his immaturity and inability to have a relationship.

I give up fighting for something that is long gone and maybe never was.

I think that it was about 3-4 weeks after I moved out when the anger started with me. For me though, I kind of went back and forth with the emotions. I keep cycling through them all. It's probably different for everyone though. Even though I'm cycling through them, the intensity of the emotions are getting less and less as time goes on.

Being on here helps... .I think had I seen her instagram today out at a club, and been sitting alone. I'd have gone for a 20 miles run and kicked my own butt more... But venting here has helped me be able to look at that somewhat in a  new light.

[lovethebeach]

I don't think my exBPD will come back either. We broke up, October 22nd when he abruptly left the relationship after I caught him in a series of lies. Long story short, two weeks prior I found a secret e-mail account on which he was messaging women on Craigslist. After all the begging and graveling, I gave in and we decided to work on things.

Those two weeks were rocky, because he could not tell me WHY he was doing those things. He was in therapy, but didn't seem to know how to stop the destructive behavior.

Then, after two perfect weekends (one being his birthday), I caught him that Sunday on an OKCupid account. It was blank, but you don't make a dating website account for no reason. Then, that Wednesday he made up an elaborate lie, when he was in fact at an Italian restaurant. I confronted, he then said "I'm sorry I lied. But you shouldn't have snooped."

People who have nothing to hide, don't hide anything and my suspicions were right. In the morning, he changed his passwords to his accounts and sent me money back to mail his things.

Since then, I've tried to initiate contact three times. He's cold and distant. When he called me, after I asked for closure, he chose to belittle me and our relationship... .saying "I was civil. I answered. I could have ignored you or blocked your number and you only want to talk when its convenient for you." HAHAHAHA. NO. He thinks that he always tried, and I never did. Projected everything back onto me and it's what he truly believes! Some other things were true, but BLOWN SO OUT OF PROPORTION AND MAGNIFIED!

Fast forward, I get into a car accident, and he was again so cold. Everything was one word answers. Whatever hope I had, is gone. My car is gone, and he heard me crying and didn't even check in or see how I was doing.

So, I promised myself to never contact him again. It isn't worth it. It's just full of more pain. I know he's out there having a great time, but one day ... .a very distant day ... .when no one is there to help him pick up the pieces, he'll miss me and I'll be long gone.

I don't need his validation anymore. I know I did the best I could... .even got him into therapy. His mother is NPD and the emotional abuse as a child scarred him. But, it's not an excuse. He "changed" while he was with me, but is right back to his old ways.

There is nothing more I can do. God knows, I miss him. But there isn't anything left to say. I don't want someone who could be so cold, distant and immature. Afterall, true character is revealed during times like this. I know he's coping the best he can, but still I WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

Blows my mind. I can't keep hanging on and hoping.

[DangIthurts]

I don't think my exBPD will come back either. We broke up, October 22nd when he abruptly left the relationship after I caught him in a series of lies. Long story short, two weeks prior I found a secret e-mail account on which he was messaging women on Craigslist. After all the begging and graveling, I gave in and we decided to work on things.

Those two weeks were rocky, because he could not tell me WHY he was doing those things. He was in therapy, but didn't seem to know how to stop the destructive behavior.

Then, after two perfect weekends (one being his birthday), I caught him that Sunday on an OKCupid account. It was blank, but you don't make a dating website account for no reason. Then, that Wednesday he made up an elaborate lie, when he was in fact at an Italian restaurant. I confronted, he then said "I'm sorry I lied. But you shouldn't have snooped."

People who have nothing to hide, don't hide anything and my suspicions were right. In the morning, he changed his passwords to his accounts and sent me money back to mail his things.

Since then, I've tried to initiate contact three times. He's cold and distant. When he called me, after I asked for closure, he chose to belittle me and our relationship... .saying "I was civil. I answered. I could have ignored you or blocked your number and you only want to talk when its convenient for you." HAHAHAHA. NO. He thinks that he always tried, and I never did. Projected everything back onto me and it's what he truly believes! Some other things were true, but BLOWN SO OUT OF PROPORTION AND MAGNIFIED!

Fast forward, I get into a car accident, and he was again so cold. Everything was one word answers. Whatever hope I had, is gone. My car is gone, and he heard me crying and didn't even check in or see how I was doing.

So, I promised myself to never contact him again. It isn't worth it. It's just full of more pain. I know he's out there having a great time, but one day ... .a very distant day ... .when no one is there to help him pick up the pieces, he'll miss me and I'll be long gone.

I don't need his validation anymore. I know I did the best I could... .even got him into therapy. His mother is NPD and the emotional abuse as a child scarred him. But, it's not an excuse. He "changed" while he was with me, but is right back to his old ways.

There is nothing more I can do. God knows, I miss him. But there isn't anything left to say. I don't want someone who could be so cold, distant and immature. Afterall, true character is revealed during times like this. I know he's coping the best he can, but still I WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

Blows my mind. I can't keep hanging on and hoping.

You're thinking it like a normal person we're all trying to apply logic and normal thinking to an abnormal person who is only able to hide behind fake normal actions/reactions... .

Read what mine wrote to me I'd honestly wished I'd died in the accident seeing that, then seeing people who hadn't seen me in years months, etc. being more caring. You're a girl you have all the power in relationships now and in the future... I'd implore you to get on some dating sites or something and have guys (probably some creepy ones too ) fighting over sending you messages and talking to you.


As you can see I'm as messed up over all this as you trying to overanalyze what might happen next, if anything... .Best thing to do is let it be the more you message the more he knows eh I'll wait to message her, she cares a ton... The less he sees, the less he knows whats going on the more likely he might inquire. And if that day doesn't come then like some of the people here being stalked count yourself lucky.

We just feel like that validates them leaving by them not messaging us or wanting us around, especially seeing how many re-engage. To have them not care is like not only are we bad enough we can't keep a relationship going, but we're not even worth talking to...

I love mine (or am codependent who knows those emotions ), and if she calls when I'm still hooked I'd listen. If not I know I'll be ok at some point. Just gotta keep that mindset and hope you can make it out.

[Deeno02]

I don't think my exBPD will come back either. We broke up, October 22nd when he abruptly left the relationship after I caught him in a series of lies. Long story short, two weeks prior I found a secret e-mail account on which he was messaging women on Craigslist. After all the begging and graveling, I gave in and we decided to work on things.

Those two weeks were rocky, because he could not tell me WHY he was doing those things. He was in therapy, but didn't seem to know how to stop the destructive behavior.

Then, after two perfect weekends (one being his birthday), I caught him that Sunday on an OKCupid account. It was blank, but you don't make a dating website account for no reason. Then, that Wednesday he made up an elaborate lie, when he was in fact at an Italian restaurant. I confronted, he then said "I'm sorry I lied. But you shouldn't have snooped."

People who have nothing to hide, don't hide anything and my suspicions were right. In the morning, he changed his passwords to his accounts and sent me money back to mail his things.

Since then, I've tried to initiate contact three times. He's cold and distant. When he called me, after I asked for closure, he chose to belittle me and our relationship... .saying "I was civil. I answered. I could have ignored you or blocked your number and you only want to talk when its convenient for you." HAHAHAHA. NO. He thinks that he always tried, and I never did. Projected everything back onto me and it's what he truly believes! Some other things were true, but BLOWN SO OUT OF PROPORTION AND MAGNIFIED!

Fast forward, I get into a car accident, and he was again so cold. Everything was one word answers. Whatever hope I had, is gone. My car is gone, and he heard me crying and didn't even check in or see how I was doing.

So, I promised myself to never contact him again. It isn't worth it. It's just full of more pain. I know he's out there having a great time, but one day ... .a very distant day ... .when no one is there to help him pick up the pieces, he'll miss me and I'll be long gone.

I don't need his validation anymore. I know I did the best I could... .even got him into therapy. His mother is NPD and the emotional abuse as a child scarred him. But, it's not an excuse. He "changed" while he was with me, but is right back to his old ways.

There is nothing more I can do. God knows, I miss him. But there isn't anything left to say. I don't want someone who could be so cold, distant and immature. Afterall, true character is revealed during times like this. I know he's coping the best he can, but still I WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

Blows my mind. I can't keep hanging on and hoping.

LTB, right on. Ive been fighting it for 2 months now, even if she came back I couldnt take her back. To much damage done to me and my kids. I would be setting a poor example by allowing an abuser back into my life. Aint gonna happen

[fred6]

Blows my mind. I can't keep hanging on and hoping.

You're right, you can't. Your anger will help you detach. 

[DangIthurts]

Blows my mind. I can't keep hanging on and hoping.

You're right, you can't. Your anger will help you detach. 

Yeah if I saw her putting up pictures with guys I think I'd be feeling much better... I think I'd hurt and miss her but I'd feel like OK move forward thats your que

I keep hoping she'll respond to the massive amounts of guys flirting with her in public on there so that I can see it and accelerate my healing... But I doubt it. I think she'll be quiet till poof "WOW HES AMAZING THE BEST EVER SO GLAD I FOUND HIM"

[lovethebeach]

I'm trying to take this one day at a time. Some days are good, some are bad.

I truly loved him and I still care for him, but I will not be someone's second choice or their doormat! I'm too good for that and I'm young... .I refuse to settle, especially for someone who isn't even trying. He always used to say "I'm trying. It's a process." And it absolutely is. But trying, isn't joining dating websites and being lax about your recovery. Then again, he's still young and so I'm sure the age factors in somewhere.

He wanted me to stop playing "mom" in the relationship, to a certain extent. The only problem was, it wasn't possible. We would've fell apart much sooner. He wasn't and isn't capable of handling his own messes. During the two years, he got kicked out of college, fired from a job, left the military (after not making it through basic... .he claims to be with me, who knows) and was heavily into alcohol and drugs. Yet, he wanted the control back?

At least with me, his life was on the up swing. No drugs. No alcohol. Back in school. My dad helped him get a car. I helped him get a job with a decent income.

Mind boggling how he could self sabotage us and in one week go from "working on things, to sending me money for his things."

He truly lost the best thing that ever happened to him and I will not for one second doubt myself. Sure, he had some valid points ... .but if I had given him full control ... .he would've failed much more quickly, and I just couldn't let that happen. I wanted a life with him.

But, he's too immature to truly want to change. It seems he did for a short while during our relationship; but ultimately, let him go and have fun... .when he crashes and burns (and he will) I'll be long moved on.

I'm hurting now, he's not. That will change. One day, I'll be happy again and he'll need someone. I won't be there. The car accident for me was my FINAL straw. We spent 2 years together and survived so much.

Even if we aren't together, you still have the decency to check in on someone.  As DIH said, I had friends who I havent spoken too show more care and concern. My cousin also passed away this week and my mom underwent two biopsies. It's been crazy and very difficult to process my emotions regarding Ethan.

But, I'm trying and I'll get there. It's a process and ultimately, I can't allow him to hold the power to my happiness anymore. He discarded me and our relationship because it was EASIER than facing what he'd done. He wants to do what he wants to do. So be it. I hope it works out for him.

[DangIthurts]

I'm trying to take this one day at a time. Some days are good, some are bad.

I truly loved him and I still care for him, but I will not be someone's second choice or their doormat! I'm too good for that and I'm young... .I refuse to settle, especially for someone who isn't even trying. He always used to say "I'm trying. It's a process." And it absolutely is. But trying, isn't joining dating websites and being lax about your recovery. Then again, he's still young and so I'm sure the age factors in somewhere.

He wanted me to stop playing "mom" in the relationship, to a certain extent. The only problem was, it wasn't possible. We would've fell apart much sooner. He wasn't and isn't capable of handling his own messes. During the two years, he got kicked out of college, fired from a job, left the military (after not making it through basic... .he claims to be with me, who knows) and was heavily into alcohol and drugs. Yet, he wanted the control back?

At least with me, his life was on the up swing. No drugs. No alcohol. Back in school. My dad helped him get a car. I helped him get a job with a decent income.

Mind boggling how he could self sabotage us and in one week go from "working on things, to sending me money for his things."

He truly lost the best thing that ever happened to him and I will not for one second doubt myself. Sure, he had some valid points ... .but if I had given him full control ... .he would've failed much more quickly, and I just couldn't let that happen. I wanted a life with him.

But, he's too immature to truly want to change. It seems he did for a short while during our relationship; but ultimately, let him go and have fun... .when he crashes and burns (and he will) I'll be long moved on.

I'm hurting now, he's not. That will change. One day, I'll be happy again and he'll need someone. I won't be there. The car accident for me was my FINAL straw. We spent 2 years together and survived so much.

Even if we aren't together, you still have the decency to check in on someone.  As DIH said, I had friends who I havent spoken too show more care and concern. My cousin also passed away this week and my mom underwent two biopsies. It's been crazy and very difficult to process my emotions regarding Ethan.

But, I'm trying and I'll get there. It's a process and ultimately, I can't allow him to hold the power to my happiness anymore. He discarded me and our relationship because it was EASIER than facing what he'd done. He wants to do what he wants to do. So be it. I hope it works out for him.

Again don't worry about if he appreciates it or not or should or shouldn't you're thinking in a normal rational mind he isn't.

I still love mine and I'd talk to her right now if I could, but I know it would only be even worse if I re-engaged her. You seem to have that same approach unlike others who have posted around here... .Which I think it serves both you and I better in the long run, as they'll either likely stay gone, try to conform to needs to come back [at least for awhile] or see there is no coming back and be gone after an attempt or two.

I wish everyday I'd get a nice message, but in the mean time focus on you, and if that day comes he messages you deal with it then, if he never does be glad you didn't chase him only to get hurt even more... .Dating site was just a recommendation to see that you're worth other peoples love, and time and might help your ego a bit that he's messed with.

[lovethebeach]

Dangithurts:

How long has it been for you?

What happened that caused the end?