How did you meet, and was it bizarre upon retrospect?

[bungenstein]

I was at a party, she saw me across the room, targeted me, zoomed up to me out of nowhere, and said, "You're cute!". A bit struck by this, I said thanks, and she said, "aren't you going to repay the compliment?", she was supposed to be the girlfriend of the person hosting the party. She denied they were in a relationship, but they had obviously been seeing each other, the host exaggerated the relationship status.

She then didn't leave me alone the entire night, laying on masses of idealisation and asking me all sorts of questions, this was infront of the guy she was currently seeing. But as with these Cluster B disorders, she didn't care at all, she had decided then and there she was done with him and I was the new target, she didn't care how he felt, she didn't care about the situation it was putting me in, she had no nerves at all about approaching me in such a direct manner. I was the new target, and nothing else mattered. I even told her I met a girl when I was away who I was really enamored with, and it had no effect on her, the words just washed over her head, she just kept staring at me with those saucer borderline eyes, it was like she was going to have me no matter what.

Later on the evening the hosts friend got upset with her and basically told her what she thought of her, I said to her friend that I understood where she was coming from, and that's when my ex first snapped at me, on the very day we met! Later on in our relationship I remember her saying that when she first saw me she knew we were going to be together, she knew I was going to be hers, and that I wouldn't have said no. If she wasn't so pretty I would have, and should have found all this behaviour quite creepy.

[Infared]

WOW!  You are helping me to be mindful of     's

I know better. I recently had someone trying to aggressively approach me... .and I tore up the card and letter that she left at my jobsite even though she was told that I am single but not dating. All she heard is what she wanted to hear and went on the attack.  Then I found out she is dating two other guys. LOL! I am not a "the more the merrier" kind of guy!

Maybe I am getting healthier.

I can't even talk about getting together with my expwBPD... .Let's just say that she showed me pretty much completely exactly how she was going to treat me before we ever went on our first date, but I made the choice to think that things would be different for us. A pretty face can really stop my brain from working... .but these days I look for balance... .not excitement and drama. It's a better plan. LOL!

[bungenstein]

A pretty face can really stop my brain from working... .but these days I look for balance... .not excitement and drama. It's a better plan. LOL!

Its scientifically proven that when we are attracted to someone our brain shuts down, because it could get in the way and stop us from mating with them. We all most likely had a flurry of red flags dancing around us from the word go, but our brain shuts down, the problem is all penis cares about is firing squids at her eggs, it doesn't care about your happiness, reproduce, reproduce, reproduce, thats all that matters.

[Infern0]

Don't want to give too much detail because if she ever saw the post she'd know who I am.

Suffice it to say that our meeting and official courtship was certainly odd. It was kind of inappropriate for a few reasons (nothing major but people would have issue with it due to social norms) and the whole thing always seemed slightly odd to me.

There were myriad red flags in retrospect but I was truly ignorant to that kind of thing back then and I pretty much wrote them all off as things that could be worked out.

Sadly the longer it went on instead of the red flags decreasing I found that I was in just a sea of red flags. The worst is thinking "great my life is ruined and miserable but I can't leave because she might kill herself" wonderful feeling that.

I think she picked me in retrospect because the whole thing being inappropriate and needing to be quite secretive I think she thought it'd be safe and she could mess me about because I'd be isolated and not really able to talk to anyone about it,  which was correct.

[Penumbra66]

I had been on a dating site for mabe six or seven months, had dated a couple of women fairly casually, but in the weeks prior to meeting her had one of the most amazing dates EVER, with a very mysterious woman that simply disappeared afterwards. She was a bit too perfect--too smart, too good looking, too funny--but there was something about her that made me keep an eye on my credit cards for a few weeks. I am unusually heartbroken about "the one that got away" but a week or two later I get this email from a little blonde college student, more than twenty years younger than me, very smart, articulate, charming. We go to a local place for a bite to eat, people of all ages, great music, cozy, so-so food. She is adorable and sweet as pie, and able to hold her own in a smart conversation without comming across as trying to impress. A bit dorky, but very funny. She is also one of the cutest young women I've met in a while, even as a college instructor myself. It's almost love at first site, but she's so much younger than me I never expect to see her again.

What was surprising for me was how natural it all seemed, how unforced and comfortable being around her was. In my entire life I'm not sure if I have ever had so much fun in someone elses company. Our second date lasted for TWO DAYS, and despite the age difference, I felt like I'd known her forever. My God, so easy to talk to, so funny, so warm and affectionate. I remember thinking of Micheal Caine and Julliet Walters in Educating Rita, Caine's Professor Bryant wistfully asking "why didn't you [26 year-old Rita] walk in here [his life at University] twenty years ago?"

"Cos I don't think they'd have accepted me at the age of six."

We are walking down a dark street, and I think about that line and chuckle. I'd like to ask her if she'd seen Rita, but I saw that movie at age... .twelve, I think, so I don't even bother asking her. She has me so charmed, date number two, and I am worrying about the age difference already, because I can tell I am falling for her, and maybe for heartbreak, like Professor Bryant. Even at age twelve that was something I understood.

In retrospect, I should have been more cautious, but at first I never thought "we" would amount to much. Even knowing what I know about persons with Borderline, I can't look back on the first few months together as filled with red flags (although those would come soon). She was one of the most motivated students I've ever met, rising above substantial economic adversity, and dedicated her soon to start career to the greater good of society. To me, her character was unquestionable. Being beautiful, smart, and charming were all extras.

What has always bothered me was how what I though was a basically good relationship could have become so destructive so quickly. Pathological lying, an affair, and being discarded for my replacement so cruelly and casually as if our entire year-and-a-half long relationship never happened. Certainly relapsing into drug and alcohol dependency influenced her behavior, but the beginnings of an emotional affair started before the drugs and alcohol. Looking back, her borderline traits were apparent after the initial idealization, and I think she may have even been diagnosed with BPD by her Psychiatrist. She certainly knew about Cluster B disorders, but I'm not sure why. However, her BPD symptoms seemed to be improving for six months before her drug/alcohol relapse. After that point, a total stranger emerged.

I am wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience: problematic BPD behavior emmerging around six months into a relationship, causing problems for several months,  followed by a relatively peaceful period--in our case, six months--which began with the care and attention of a Psychiatrist. Then, all-out-chaos, confusion, and disruption, which destroyed our relationship (and nearly me) in a matter of weeks. I have never experienced anything even close to the emotional hell she put me through, this person I considered a soul mate. But unlike many here, things seemed to be going well, on the surface at least, before--BOOM!--our relationship is finished, and she's off with my replacement.

[Deeno02]

We met through our sons who are friends and played Volleyball together. She asked me out and persued me, as I thought I may have not been up to her social status. It was bizarre because it moved so fast over the year(some ups and downs, treat me special or lose me moments with me being yelled at for something). Spent the last for months of the 16, trying to figure out what the fu*k was happening and trying to hang on by my nails while sloowly being pushed out. I didn't know a thing about BPD then, but I now see it for what it was. I was a fuc*ing replacement for her while she was separated/divorcing. As long as I was in honeymoon land with her, all was good. As soon as I faltered, however major, however slight, I became nothing... .

[DangIthurts]

Asked my buddy if he knew any girls this one messaged me while I was talking to three others... .I had a choice to make. I chose wrong, very, very, very wrong.

[Bak86]

She joined my department at work. Worked together for about 3 months, then asked her out. Nothing out of the ordinary really.

[cleverusername]

The way we met seemed more bizarre initially than it does now that I know about BPD relationships and how quickly they rebound/replace. I initially met my ex through online dating 2 years ago (she "liked" my profile and then I initiated conversation). We got very friendly extremely quickly, and she told me all kinds of intimate things about her that someone should really only tell their closest friends and family members about (as usual in BPD relationships). We had awesome conversation and really wanted to meet but circumstances got in the way and she ended up meeting someone else before we got the chance to meet in person. She ended up dating him for a year and a half.

Then about 7 months ago I get a "like" on the same dating site I met her on... .and it's her. I was excited to see that she was single and quickly messaged her saying "look who it is!" and asking how she's been. When she "liked" me she totally didn't realize she already knew me and said that since we found each other again we definitely need to meet now. Then she proceeded to tell me that she had just broken up with the guy she had dated for a year and a half the day before (the same guy she met while we were talking 2 years ago)... .   

We went on our first date a week later and I thought it went really well, but not nearly as well as she thought. At the end of the date she told me in a flirty way that she wouldn't mind it if I kissed her. I was kind of taken aback that she would want to kiss a guy she just met a week after a breakup. I told her I thought it was a little soon after her breakup and how about this... .and kissed her on the cheek.

Over the next 24 hours we texted a lot and she told me how when she saw me for the first time in person her jaw literally dropped, told me she couldn't believe I existed and how great I was... .    I knew this sort of thing wasn't normal but having such a cute girl show that much interest was definitely intoxicating.

Of course I was just a rebound, as have been probably every guy she's dated before the first guy she dated in high school. She's had 5 relationships over the course of 5 years with a total of a 3 months of being single during that stretch.

One thing I remember her telling me two years ago that relates to OP's post was that she has no problem asking a guy out and will do what it takes and chase what she wants. I wonder if that's something common with BPD women, being very aggressive like that... .

[vortex of confusion]

Nope, there was nothing bizarre about how we met. My husband and I met in a library. Our how we met story is kind of cute and sweet. No red flags to speak of. In retrospect, the red flags that I missed were the fact that he came on too strong too fast. He would stop by my work to see me whenever he could. We weren't dating and were just friends at that point.

And then, when I told him that I needed some space and that I needed him to back off a bit, he went away like a wounded puppy and didn't call or talk to me again for a couple of months. I tried to keep in touch with him because I really did want to get to know him because I thought he was really sweet and really funny. Plus, he seemed to have really strong family values. He seemed like nice calm guy that I could see myself dating and getting serious.

[Pingo]

I met mine online.  I had joined a dating site for the first time ever a yr and half after my divorce of my first husband.  I messaged back and forth with a few other guys but he was the first (and only) one I met in person and after 5 dates removed my profile.  Should have played the field a bit more... .but we know how the story goes.

[hergestridge]

When we met she was 16 and I was 21. We were hanging in the local "bohemian" cirles and all my friends parents had problems with drink or drugs and there really should not be such a thing as "bizarre", but my girlfriend (later wife) apalled everyone by being bossy and controlling out of the ordinary, telling people to leave and come as she wished. Real queen complex.

When it became obvious she made people uncomfortable with this behaviour, she retired hurt and took me with her like a kid takes a teddy bear. It took me almost ten years to get a social life outside of our relationship - outside that small apartment.

If only someone had had the guts to tell me that I was dating a sick person and that I would better let it end. I think perhaps it would have opened my eyes, because that was what I was thinking deep inside.

[.cup.car]

Disclaimer: I'm an idiot.

I was seventeen and had overprotective parents. Started hanging out with kids who smoked weed. Lost interest in playing football (I was forced into it at a young age). Marks started slipping because I'm honestly not that smart outside of English class. Parents started freaking out on a daily basis. Started having outbursts at home. Put on meds, had several more outbursts. Taken off meds and put in a U17 psych ward for a one month evaluation period.

Putting a bunch of depressed, lonely, moody, misunderstood, sexually frustrated teenagers in a confined space and telling them "dating behavior is not allowed" is a bad idea. Having experienced it first-hand, I don't know how this got past the drawing board. I left with numbers for two different girls - and that's not me bragging to sound macho on some internet therapy board - that's the straight up truth. If it's any indication I've got my head on straight, I hooked my best friend up with the other one.

Not to make light of the situation, but if you go into the parenting forum and read threads about members who's daughters cause havoc in RTC programs by using the time in there to meet boys... .well... .I'm one of those boys.

So yes, it was bizarre. In fact, it causes a lot of problems because most people who read into the scenario deep enough say "dude what did you expect, look at where you met her... ."

[bungenstein]

When it became obvious she made people uncomfortable with this behaviour, she retired hurt and took me with her like a kid takes a teddy bear. It took me almost ten years to get a social life outside of our relationship - outside that small apartment.

If only someone had had the guts to tell me that I was dating a sick person and that I would better let it end. I think perhaps it would have opened my eyes, because that was what I was thinking deep inside.

Did you not want to out? Did you not think being couped up in a tiny apartment having no life was abnormal? I wouldn't have been able to hack it. My ex did her best to ruin my life but she couldn't, she couldn't destroy my relationships and my passions and my career, they are too strong, and its my lifeblood. I don't understand how people let themselves become isolated in a little box with them.

[vortex of confusion]

Did you not want to out? Did you not think being couped up in a tiny apartment having no life was abnormal? I wouldn't have been able to hack it. My ex did her best to ruin my life but she couldn't, she couldn't destroy my relationships and my passions and my career, they are too strong, and its my lifeblood. I don't understand how people let themselves become isolated in a little box with them.

It doesn't happen over night. In my case, it was so gradual that I didn't really notice it happening until one day I woke up and realized that my friends and interests had fallen by the wayside. I have managed to hang on to a lot of connections because of the computer but I did become very isolated.

[StayOrLeave15]

Met online (I was new to it, she had been doing it for years) and it was the most bizarre date of my life. 

1. She asked me if I had wealthy friends I could introduce her to.   

2. She dragged me into a jewelry store to "pick out a ring" and told the guy there we had been together for 8 years.   

3. She told the cab driver also that we had been engaged 8 years and I hadn't proposed. Reminder: we met that day.   

4. We went back to my place and had sex.  I would never do this if it was a girl I wanted to pursue a relationship with. I thought it would be a one night stand or an occasional roll in the hay.  I distinctly remember texting my friend after: "Fun girl. Not GF material." 

In the following weeks I became infatuated with her, had a 8 month hellish relationship, and got to graduate from BPD school.  I'm just starting to recover now.  The one-year anniversary of the first date is coming up soon.

But given the above points - her bizarre behavior - what does that say about me?       Clearly some part of me liked it.       She just had this *something* about her that hooked me.  This relationship has made me learn more about my life, what I need to work on in myself, and what I am looking for in a partner than anything else I have ever experienced. 

[bungenstein]

In the following weeks I became infatuated with her, had a 8 month hellish relationship, and got to graduate from BPD school.  I'm just starting to recover now.  The one-year anniversary of the first date is coming up soon.

But given the above points - her bizarre behavior - what does that say about me?       Clearly some part of me liked it.       She just had this *something* about her that hooked me.  This relationship has made me learn more about my life, what I need to work on in myself, and what I am looking for in a partner than anything else I have ever experienced. 

I love the iea of graduating from BPD school, I love your attitude to it all, very healthy. I believe that

BPDs were sent to shake us up, and as a result unlock our true potential as human beings, after we worked through the pain, its probably been the toughest experience of my life, and one which will benefit me hugely in the long run.

[antonio1213]

I thought she was hot. AND she was very very attractive. I told her I wanted to hangout with her over Facebook. We texted. And the first night we hangout we went to a ghetto party and she danced on some guy when I went into another room. (should have seen that   ). But she told me she still "liked me".

We hangout more and eventually started to hangout.

[StayOrLeave15]

I love the idea of graduating from BPD school, I love your attitude to it all, very healthy. I believe that

BPDs were sent to shake us up, and as a result unlock our true potential as human beings, after we worked through the pain, its probably been the toughest experience of my life, and one which will benefit me hugely in the long run.

I have to give credit to member fromheeltoheal for the "BPD school" phrase from a response he gave to one of my other posts.  It really is a good catchphrase.  I'm trying my best to maintain this healthy attitude.  Some days are harder than others but I'm really getting over her. 

Bungenstein, I really agree that they come into our lives for a reason, because not every type of person would fall into such a deep "relationship" with them.  If a person can successfully survive a BPD relationship and come out a better and stronger person, I feel that person can get through any type of relationship, and will be a wiser person in their life.  I hope this is true for all of us here.

[StayOrLeave15]

I thought she was hot. AND she was very very attractive. I told her I wanted to hangout with her over Facebook. We texted. And the first night we hangout we went to a ghetto party and she danced on some guy when I went into another room. (should have seen that   ). But she told me she still "liked me".

We hangout more and eventually started to hangout.

Antonio I hope you are doing better.  Your post last week inspired me so much and I started feeling better in a similar way after some days of reflection and taking care of myself.  Things really "clicked":

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=236809.0

I know your more recent posts have said that thing have been tough, but your post on Friday was amazing so I hope you can continue with those thoughts and feelings. 


And finally, one more        , (the images made me think of it): When texting I could gauge her mood by the number of (or lack thereof) emojis she would send in her text messages.  Affectionate and cute, but not at all normal behavior for a woman in her 30's. 

[Mr. Solo]

My dBPDw grew up in foster care/group homes. I met her on a church youth group trip. She walked up out of the blue and told me I was cute and if she was my girlfriend she would make me shave (I had not shaved for several days). After several months, she ended up moving in with my sister and her family. She lived with them for five years. We became best friends but, believe it or not, we never did a single thing with each other romantically. Nothing. Well, she ran away (my brother in law and sister were brutally strict Christians) to a friend's house when she was 17. Somehow I ended up alone with her in the car one night after she got off work and I told her I think I was in love with her. She was blown away and so excited. She said she hoped we would be together and she loved me as well. Obviously, my family was PISSED! Like a dummy, I joined the Army, married her, and we ran away together. My family accepted us back after a few years (because my sister was dying of cancer). In a nutshell, everything was great until four years ago when she apparently found a phone booth similar to Superman's except she walked in my wife and walked out a BPD monster.

[hergestridge]

When it became obvious she made people uncomfortable with this behaviour, she retired hurt and took me with her like a kid takes a teddy bear. It took me almost ten years to get a social life outside of our relationship - outside that small apartment.

If only someone had had the guts to tell me that I was dating a sick person and that I would better let it end. I think perhaps it would have opened my eyes, because that was what I was thinking deep inside.

Did you not want to out? Did you not think being couped up in a tiny apartment having no life was abnormal? I wouldn't have been able to hack it. My ex did her best to ruin my life but she couldn't, she couldn't destroy my relationships and my passions and my career, they are too strong, and its my lifeblood. I don't understand how people let themselves become isolated in a little box with them.

I was not literally isolated, but one by one my friends fell away because they became incompatible with some aspect of my wife's every changing personality. After a year or so it just her and me left. In theory she wanted me to stay in touch with my friends, but if I left home to see them she would punish me with silent treatment, suicide ideation etc.

After ten years I realized it wasn't livable and started having a social life with or without her permission. It just made things worse for her. It just confirmed her suspicion that I didn't really love her. And eventually of course she left me.

Of course I realized it was abnormal. I was 25 years old and offered to go travel the world to play with my band, but my girlfriend won't let me go and says she might take her life. So I have to make up some kind of excuse to bail out of the opportunity of my life... .

In the moment I convinced myself that my faithfulness would pay of in the end. But now I realized I was just threatened.

I the position where I work now we take threats of suicide seriously. They are meant to manipulate and are not to taken lightly. If someone comes up to you on the street and says "Give me your purse, or I'll take my life!", I would advise you to call the police.

[Infared]

When it became obvious she made people uncomfortable with this behaviour, she retired hurt and took me with her like a kid takes a teddy bear. It took me almost ten years to get a social life outside of our relationship - outside that small apartment.

If only someone had had the guts to tell me that I was dating a sick person and that I would better let it end. I think perhaps it would have opened my eyes, because that was what I was thinking deep inside.

Did you not want to out? Did you not think being couped up in a tiny apartment having no life was abnormal? I wouldn't have been able to hack it. My ex did her best to ruin my life but she couldn't, she couldn't destroy my relationships and my passions and my career, they are too strong, and its my lifeblood. I don't understand how people let themselves become isolated in a little box with them.

I was not literally isolated, but one by one my friends fell away because they became incompatible with some aspect of my wife's every changing personality. After a year or so it just her and me left. In theory she wanted me to stay in touch with my friends, but if I left home to see them she would punish me with silent treatment, suicide ideation etc.

After ten years I realized it wasn't livable and started having a social life with or without her permission. It just made things worse for her. It just confirmed her suspicion that I didn't really love her. And eventually of course she left me.

Of course I realized it was abnormal. I was 25 years old and offered to go travel the world to play with my band, but my girlfriend won't let me go and says she might take her life. So I have to make up some kind of excuse to bail out of the opportunity of my life... .

In the moment I convinced myself that my faithfulness would pay of in the end. But now I realized I was just threatened.

I the position where I work now we take threats of suicide seriously. They are meant to manipulate and are not to taken lightly. If someone comes up to you on the street and says "Give me your purse, or I'll take my life!", I would advise you to call the police.

She was holding you hostage from day one based on her deep-seated fear.

[StayOrLeave15]

She was holding you hostage from day one based on her deep-seated fear.

Which is not necessarily a character flaw on our parts, but rather a normal reaction to what we realized was a very abnormal situation.

[Infared]

She was holding you hostage from day one based on her deep-seated fear.

Which is not necessarily a character flaw on our parts, but rather a normal reaction to what we realized was a very abnormal situation.

Yeah... and it seems if you are a descent caring person there is no way for you to exit the situation gracefully... .I was smeared and abuse etc. just so she could play victim to her family, T, the new supply... .etc. So no only did I have to suffer extreme heartbreak... .Ieveryone thought I was someone else due to her manipulations.  It is all so sickening... .because at the time I was so wounded and just trying to figure out what was going on?

This is who they are.