was your BPDex a secretive person?

[Infern0]

When I think about her a part of me feels like I know her inside and out but another part feels like I know virtually nothing about her.

I don't know hardly any of whatever she passes for friends. I barely know her family.  I know only small bits of her life before she met me.

It's weird because like I say on a one to one basis I feel I know her inside out but in reality I know very little about her at all

[FlyingAway]

I felt the same. Thought I knew her inside and out. But in retrospect, there were long-year gaps in her history I knew virtually nothing about. I knew that she'd had a few relationships 8 years or so before I met her, but not much about the details. There were also a few job changes several years before we met, that I'd heard were due to erratic work behavior. She's pretty much a loner, though she had a few friends, most of whom she complained about, and occasionally tried to sabotage (it was never explained like this to me, but mutual friends told me to be careful about her).

Since I've become aware of BPD characteristics, I wonder how much I didn't know about her even during the years of our relationship.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

YES but its hidden under the mask of being a genuine open person. I wss close friends with my last ex. for. THREE years before i gave him a chance... And the information that unfolded during the relationship blew my mind! they are master liars.

[Deeno02]

When I think about her a part of me feels like I know her inside and out but another part feels like I know virtually nothing about her.

I don't know hardly any of whatever she passes for friends. I barely know her family.  I know only small bits of her life before she met me.

It's weird because like I say on a one to one basis I feel I know her inside out but in reality I know very little about her at all

yeah, outside of her college volleyball record and a relationship with a drunk there she up and threw out, I was pretty much kept away from her friends. We never did stuff on a saturday with other couples, barely met her family and in 16 months only met her snooty friends 4 times. I truly believe she was embarassed of me. Barely sny pics of us, none posted on FB, no change in relationship status on FB either. Guess she was keeping her options open, huh? Jeez...

[Inside]

I thought I’d gotten to know my uxBPDgf over our 3.5 years… her siblings, mother, sons and ‘friends.’  But no, I never really knew ‘her.’  But, she didn’t seem to know herself, either  

She’d ‘be’ someone else to everyone she met!  It was crazymaking to be with or around her at a gathering, listening to her spin a personality - instantly and specifically crafted for whomever she was talking to.  At first I thought it was low-to-no self esteem, and encouraged her to ‘be herself,’ and that I’d ‘back her up.’  But of course she took offence to that - “I am being myself!”  ... .I guess so, totally fake

So how can we know or support someone who doesn't know or support themself?  And she was secretive, nowhere near as open, let alone honest as me…  But I suppose that’s how you get when you’ve a lot of things to keep hidden

[myself]

I thought I knew her pretty well, and yes that she was really honest with me at times. Like so many of us here, we shared moments where we were each our best and our worst. But finding out how dishonest she can be, accusing me of things I never did, and yes being secretive/selective about what she shared/kept hidden, I'm not nearly as sure anymore. She probably doesn't even know, you know? She's like this with everyone. The closer you are the more it happens. It seems part of the reason pwBPD push/pull away is to stir up mystery and do forbidden sh!t. Shame covers shame perpetuates shame... .It's not even chicken or egg, it's abuse or abuse? Follow any of this back, someone who was hurting hurt someone else. There's a shadow there. That's where secrets can be born. So it's the more truth the better, yes?

[CareTaker]

I remember our first date, 3 years ago, like it was yesterday. She said something to me and I never saw it as a   . We where chatting about ourselves, and she said she is a girl with secrets. Geez, I should have run.

But yes, she had loads of them. Even her fb is a secret. She often goes to town for the day, to "do things".

At 34 she has no employment record, and only got her first job about a year ago. Over the first 12 months of employment, she took 35 days sick leave and was told that she no longer gets paid for taking days off. I think she spent her life living of people. Going from one guy to the next, and expecting them to support her. Also, never ever mentioned any ex's in her life.

I am proud to say that I slept well last night. I am starting to feel much better, and slowly I am beginning to realize that this was an addiction, not love.

I gave in to all her demands, but I thank God for not letting me fall for her demand of getting pregnant.

[allenv3]

Extremely secretive!  I would catch her in lies all the time and she would laugh them away.  Like: "So." hahaha.  Then would lay such a

horrible guilt trip on my for never trusting her.  Those little constant white lies add up and eat at you.

I had also been warned by other people including my children (not hers) and my friends and her co-workers. Should have listened to my gut.

[DangIthurts]

At first no she'd hand me her phone and say see wanna check who I talk to, but after the bad cycles it become "well your a stalker" if I asked what was going on

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Oh yes... .

She was always secretive about her ex boyfriend, only mentioning that they split because he spent more time playing on his Playstation than being with her. I never pushed it because I knew it struck a nerve, as it hurt her so much that she went to therapy. (She was still in therapy when I first met her for the first couple of years our relationship)

Then as we were about to move house, I was about to throw a black bag at the dump when a photo fell out. It was my ex with another man years ago, way before I met her. I looked further in the bag and saw more photos of her with this guy and other letters he sent her, including the one he sent her when he dumped her. (Probably smelt the coffee!)

I was stunned, but then thought we have been living together for over 10 years why would she keep these?  She hid these really well as we lived in a small flat.

Ironically, I felt sympathetic towards her. Little did I know that within 6 months time it was my turn to feel the pain... .

[sirius]

EXTREMELY ! TOTALLY ! EXACTLY !

[AnnaK]

Yes. But I keep guessing his dark secrets. And every time some secret becomes known, he feels extreme shame mixed with abandonment panic and starts pushing away to the extreme. So I have to deal with scared baby. This is why he keeps them

[Blimblam]

In heart consumed by darkness emerges a moth attracted to the light but in the

Brilliance of the light the moth is burned when it comes too close but it goes back over and over only to be burned each time.

[Butterfly44]

Yes, very secretive. About who she was with, staying over with etc... .never met any of her "friends" in two years. All the people she was in contact with had nicknames on her phone so only she knew who they were in reality. Would constantly ask me to look at my phone, texts, emails & what every phone number was but would never, ever let me see anything on her phone! She even went so far as to get one of her exes to say they were somebody else on the phone to me once! She told me she was out with so & so when I rang but it would turn out to be someone else that she didn't want me to know about? It was like some secret game to her so eventually I never knew who she was really out with because of that! All her friends are compartmentalised and nobody goes out as a group; they're all kept separate from one another. I guess she's a different person depending on which one she's dealing with. She would often "disappear" for a couple of days & say she'd been sleeping (as she had difficulty). I'd then find out she was staying over at a certain "friends" but she would often lie about who. I hated it & it caused a huge amount of distrust. She would also say she was going for walks on her own & then disappear again for a day or so until she was back in a place she felt safe calling from again. Usually on her way back from staying with one of her narcissistic supplies. It was horrible for me to constantly be trying to work out if any of what she was saying or doing was in fact, even close to the truth. Game playing & secretive beyond belief!

[Perfidy]

You mean sneaky? Yeah, she was sneaky. The part that I felt I knew better than anything else was simply a reflection of the person I do know. Myself. The rest of her I never knew. She is a chameleon.

[hergestridge]

Being the chameleons they are, they prefer to move through different social "circles" and not having them mixed up.

My exwife only let me meet her relatives. She never let me meet her friends from work. If we met them downtown she almost panicked.

I found this intimidating and hurtful, because if we popped into one my colleagues downtown I'd be like "Hey, meet my wife!".

She wasn't big on the secrets, but she was in deed paranoid about being seen by the wrong person in the wrong place.

I once confronted her and asked her about this, and she told me that she is another person when she's with her friends and it wouldn't be fun for me to be around her then (I e she would be embarrassed).

She became secretive about stupid ___, like which music she listened to. Probably because she was afraid I wouldn't "approve".

Things that she really should keep to herself, she couldn't wait to tell.

[clydegriffith]

When I think about her a part of me feels like I know her inside and out but another part feels like I know virtually nothing about her.

I don't know hardly any of whatever she passes for friends. I barely know her family.  I know only small bits of her life before she met me.

It's weird because like I say on a one to one basis I feel I know her inside out but in reality I know very little about her at all

I think they have to be secretive in order to cover up their past. Looking back on it, i really didn't know much abou the BPDx. She didn't get along with her family, had very few real friends and was just always painting herself as a victim of circumstances and having bad luck with love. I guess that's to be expected as noboby is going to come out and tell you "hey, i'm a crazy ___ and my life is a mess because i keep repeating the same mistakes"

[pieceofme]

i feel like i know my ex very well; i know the darkest parts of him. but like someone mentioned earlier, he portrayed himself differently to different people and ESPECIALLY online.

i remember sitting across from him at lunch one day and out of nowhere, he said, "i have nothing to hide from you." four hours later, i experienced his first rage. i later found out that only four days earlier, he had cheated on me.

the secrets and the lies... .the complete ease with which he lied... .still blows my mind.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

i feel like i know my ex very well; i know the darkest parts of him. but like someone mentioned earlier, he portrayed himself differently to different people and ESPECIALLY online.

i remember sitting across from him at lunch one day and out of nowhere, he said, "i have nothing to hide from you." four hours later, i experienced his first rage. i later found out that only four days earlier, he had cheated on me.

the secrets and the lies... .the complete ease with which he lied... .still blows my mind.

that is SO messed up! that is why i struggle with believing they havw empathy! they tell lies straight faced no fear and a total.lack of remorse once caught !

[Bak86]

Ive never met any relative or friends, neither was she interested in meeting mine. although we have a mutual friend, we never saw that friend together, always separately. And coworkers could NEVER find out about us.

I felt ashamed, embarrassed and not wanted. 

[Inside]

 

Being the chameleons they are, they prefer to move through different social "circles" and not having them mixed up.   

Your description is so close to what I experienced ... .I occasionally wonder if some of us could have been with the same BP

My BPx had her well defined social “circles” for which I was rarely if ever invited.  Many involved a week campout of drinking & drugs.  I’d nearly need a pry bar to extract any info about what went on…  Honestly, when she’d pull away like that I felt I was ‘up for grabs’ as far as another r/s ... .but after returning she’d quickly win me back

I once confronted her and asked her about this, and she told me that she is another person when she's with her friends and it wouldn't be fun for me to be around her then (I e she would be embarrassed).

Same thing!  It was apparent from the events I did attend that I was appalled by her fake and sexually vulgar behaviour so obviously I cramped her style!  I rarely mention it here but my xBPD S/O has a comorbid Histrionic PD as well, and she just had to let it shine!  I definitely got in the way... .

Things that she really should keep to herself, she couldn't wait to tell. 

Exactly

[pieceofme]

that is SO messed up! that is why i struggle with believing they havw empathy! they tell lies straight faced no fear and a total.lack of remorse once caught !

there exists little to no empathy. and i agree with the straight-faced lies! it was frightening! then, the lies would just compound; it was never-ending.  when i caught my ex in a lie, he would flip it around and get insanely mad at me, as if *i* had done something wrong... .OR he would say, "so you're just gonna be mad at me now?" 

[Deeno02]

Ive never met any relative or friends, neither was she interested in meeting mine. although we have a mutual friend, we never saw that friend together, always separately. And coworkers could NEVER find out about us.

I felt ashamed, embarrassed and not wanted. 

Totally. 16 months together,  met her friends 4 times. Never did couples things, never changed her FB  relationship status, 3 pictures of us together, none on FB. Iwas the place holder until someone more presentable came along.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

that is SO messed up! that is why i struggle with believing they havw empathy! they tell lies straight faced no fear and a total.lack of remorse once caught !

there exists little to no empathy. and i agree with the straight-faced lies! it was frightening! then, the lies would just compound; it was never-ending.  when i caught my ex in a lie, he would flip it around and get insanely mad at me, as if *i* had done something wrong... .OR he would say, "so you're just gonna be mad at me now?"  

Yep both my BPD exes would flip out of caught in a lie! One gaslit me then admitted the lie after we broke up a year later!

Screwed UP! After making me feel abusive for not believing her... turns out my gut was right and I had every right not to believe her!

And it was a BIG lie!

[RedDove]

Ditto for me and my ex BPDbf! He was very secretive=pathological liar and sneaky. He would always remark that he was a very "private" person. Aha, code for secretive n sneaky!

Our encounter lasted almost 4 years. I never met his 3 sons, yet I introduced him to my son after a few months. He has a large family, seven siblings. I only met two of his sisters and only because he lived in his childhood home with one where we spent time. I met one other sister briefly at a wake. He met my two siblings. I invited him to family events, holiday gatherings, vacations, etc. I only met one of his friends, supposedly his BFF on 3 or 4 occasions. But, he said he could only take his BFF in limited doses!

His cell phone was always hidden. I often wondered if he even had one and asked where it was, cause I never saw it on him. BUzt, I knew he did, cause he texted me 10-20 times a day! Towards the end when I suspected cheating I even checked his pants pockets whilst he was sleeping and no cell phone. He obviously left it in his car. Of course I know now that his cell phone contained all of his secrets (OW). He had a boatload of family drama, always portraying himself as the responsible sib, yet stated he wasn't close with his family.

When youre a couple in a real r/s, you tend to know your partners work hours, gym schedule and just their regular daily routine. However, until this day, I have no idea what his daily routine/schedule was! He's a teacher so he finishes work at around 2:00ish, perhaps stays after to do lesson plans, grade homework. Then no clue where he goes. He was never home. He lives 1/2 mile away and I often drove past his house on my way to the center of town. At the the end of our r/s i drove by to check to see "if" he was really home or lying. Really No clue where he spends his time or what he does.

He's not close with his family, has the one friend I met and knew of, drives a trash dumpster (it's disgustingly dirty) car with like 200,000+ miles on it, and is dead broke all of the time! So my speculation is he has "a" woman nearby where he works or perhaps "several" women along his commute route home. Who knows and don't really care anymore!

[Raybo48]

I met none of my BPDxgf girlfriends and only communicated with them through FB on rare occasions.  My ex and her sister (who I also believe is a full blown BPD) have an incredible amount of guy friends.  I'm not an insecure guy and I don't mind anyone I'm with having guy friends, but when they out number the opposite sex 20-1 you gotta wonder about that and it should have thrown up a big    for me.  

I too feel like I knew as much about my BPDxgf as I needed to know according to how she operated, and I know for a fact she kept me in the dark about many details of her everyday life.  I took a peek at her FB one time when she had it up and was in shock over how many private conversations she had going on with other guys, some of which were ex boyfriends, etc.  I can only imagine who she texted, who she talked to, and who she saw when I wasn't around.  

I caught her on many occasions with inconsistencies in her stories and when I called her out on them she would always distort the facts and try and make me feel like I was the crazy/paranoid one, always.  I came to believe that she is/was a pathological liar especially when it came to emotional/physical affairs with other guys.    She always said "I don't lie ever" and my reply always was people who always tell other people they are not liars are liars.   We used to argue about that, but I'll hold firm on my opinion on that one.

[Pingo]

My ex was very secretive but I never really could put my finger on anything, just a feeling I got.  Then one day we had a big fight about the fact he wasn't working, wasn't contributing, watching me go into debt and I told him I wanted to BU.  He asked me what he needed to contribute to be fair and I said $1000/mth (bills and groceries cut in half)... .he marched upstairs and came down with a $1000 and handed it to me!  He had been hoarding money while I was struggling and voicing my complaint for a long time!  There were many, many things he did that was secretive. He had a gun safe and would always keep his keys in his pocket, he turned his phone off at night and kept it always in his pocket, locked.  He had a tablet but never gave me the pin to use it.  He was so sketchy about me keeping secrets on him, always suspicious, asking a million questions if someone texted me, etc.  It was all projection, I had no secrets, I'm about as open as you can get!

I remember looking at him on the couch one day not long before we split and wondering 'who are you?'.  I just had such a weird feeling like I had no idea who this man was, this man I had married, spent 4 yrs with.  Something about him was so unfamiliar.  It was really an odd feeling.

[pieceofme]

that is SO messed up! that is why i struggle with believing they havw empathy! they tell lies straight faced no fear and a total.lack of remorse once caught !

there exists little to no empathy. and i agree with the straight-faced lies! it was frightening! then, the lies would just compound; it was never-ending.  when i caught my ex in a lie, he would flip it around and get insanely mad at me, as if *i* had done something wrong... .OR he would say, "so you're just gonna be mad at me now?"  

Yep both my BPD exes would flip out of caught in a lie! One gaslit me then admitted the lie after we broke up a year later!

Screwed UP! After making me feel abusive for not believing her... turns out my gut was right and I had every right not to believe her!

And it was a BIG lie!

i had the same experience with a BIG lie. one morning we were at breakfast and his ex was calling his phone, over and over, probably 100+ times. finally i answered and told her if she didn't stop calling, that we would file a restraining order. she said, "i just want you to know, i've been in his bed recently." i calmly hung up and phone and didn't mention anything to my ex. a few hours later, i calmly confronted him with what she told me and he didn't deny it. instead he was absolutely LIVID i believed her. the fact that he didn't deny it ate away at me - i thought it was strange. should have believed my gut. turned out to be true   

that was one of the few times where i was allowed to see his phone. he normally kept it face down so i couldn't see who was texting him 

[Raybo48]

Ive never met any relative or friends, neither was she interested in meeting mine. although we have a mutual friend, we never saw that friend together, always separately. And coworkers could NEVER find out about us.

I felt ashamed, embarrassed and not wanted.  

Totally. 16 months together,  met her friends 4 times. Never did couples things, never changed her FB  relationship status, 3 pictures of us together, none on FB. Iwas the place holder until someone more presentable came along.

Mine never changed her FB relationship status either, had one picture on there of us that disappeared pretty fast because she posts constantly.  I don't think social media is huge tell all, but in these cases it's telling and should have been a    for me.  It's easy to figure out why too, they can keep getting supply from everyone (guy friends mainly) and they have no clue she's with anyone.  Any guy worth his salt would have stopped flirting with her if they knew she was in a relationship, but that cuts off very necessary BPD supply.  If I learned one thing with these people no one man can ever give them enough while we are the place holder.  The next guy will have it no different.

[pieceofme]

Ive never met any relative or friends, neither was she interested in meeting mine. although we have a mutual friend, we never saw that friend together, always separately. And coworkers could NEVER find out about us.

I felt ashamed, embarrassed and not wanted.  

Totally. 16 months together,  met her friends 4 times. Never did couples things, never changed her FB  relationship status, 3 pictures of us together, none on FB. Iwas the place holder until someone more presentable came along.

Mine never changed her FB relationship status either, had one picture on there of us that disappeared pretty fast because she posts constantly.  I don't think social media is huge tell all, but in these cases it's telling and should have been a    for me.  It's easy to figure out why too, they can keep getting supply from everyone (guy friends mainly) and they have no clue she's with anyone.  Any guy worth his salt would have stopped flirting with her if they knew she was in a relationship, but that cuts off very necessary BPD supply.  If I learned one thing with these people no one man can ever give them enough while we are the place holder.  The next guy will have it no different.

great post, raybo. i experienced the exact same with my ex on his social media. he definitely used it as part of his "supply." interestingly, he also portrays him very differently online, maybe the person he wants to be? as opposed to who he actually is. i never figured that one out.