The 'other' side returns...

[Lost23]

So my xBPDw (separated, not divorced yet) has been showing all these signs of improvement over the last few months. 3 months of consistent therapy, working full time, no fighting, suicide threats dropped almost right off and implied 'end dates' come and gone with her working through them herself. Try to give her credit and allow a little more leeway as far as we go. She wants to talk, be friends, hang out and yes there is a clear goal in it for her of us getting back together. But a large part of me has thought that this has gone on too long for it to be a facade. She can't pretend for 3 months without slipping up at all, so she must really be committed. Meanwhile, I'm in kind of a casual-yet-exclusive relationship with someone else. I know this complicates things, but it didn't start complicated. Ex and I were at each others throats at the time and I thought there'd be no way we'd ever even be on speaking terms again. But here we are and now I feel guilt about the r/s, and guilt about speaking to my ex as frequently as I do. TBH there is a part of me that has considered ending the r/s and seeing if me and the ex can work things out. So here's when things get messy again, of course... .

I leave for work soon (out of country for weeks-months at a time). I spoke with my ex last night and her (our) house is closer to the airport than where I am now. She asked if we could hang out before I leave and I said 'well maybe the night I leave I can hang out with you and the kids and just take a cab to the airport from there'. I also mentioned about my cousin 'missing her'. They were good friends prior to the separation and we hung out over the weekend and she had mentioned to me about missing hanging out with my ex sometimes. I mistakenly mentioned this in the conversation, thinking like a normal person, she would just think 'oh that's nice' and maybe contact her down the line to try and rekindle things.

I wake up this morning to my cousin calling me in tears. My ex sent her a wall of text about what a ___ty friend she was, how she 'turned her back' on my ex after we separated, how dare she have the audacity to say she misses her or even speak bout her, and how we are getting back together (assumption, based on what I listed above, trying to get along with her, etc.). So great, I give her some credit and some leeway and the beast is unleashed. And while there is a part of me that does consider working things out, I have NOT said that to her. Add to the confusion, the girl I am seeing is someone my cousin hooked me up with. So on top of it all, now my cousin is mad and saying I'm not being honest, etc.

Everything just becomes so complicated with all this. Why can't a nice conversation just be that? Why does everything have to get pulled apart, analyzed and destroyed? Why does doing something nice have to be followed with regret? And what part of her thinks if we WERE going to get back together, or even if there was a chance, that the next logical thing to do is to rip into one of my family members at 7 am via text? It's like if I show any sign of weakness, rather than continue on a mature path with each other, her mindset instantly goes back to thinking she can do whatever she wants like we ARE together and that's fine.

Another (smaller) example, I took the kids out for Halloween and after it was over she wanted to hang out for a bit, I said sure. We were getting along so I thought no big deal. She got upset about something, don't recall what, and started crying. I hugged her for a bit and told her it was okay. Then I had to go away for the weekend for a funeral. She thought the hug meant we were back together and referred to it as nuzzling, then proceeded to send me several texts about how I did my taxes wrong and my accountant is inept and it's screwed her over and I should have known better. What? Like any positive sign towards her just opens the floodgates and brings back everything she is convincing me she has worked on and is not going to do. The instant she thinks there's even a chance, that other side makes a loud, triumphant return. FML.

At the end of it, beyond just wanting to rant, I honestly want to know -- should I be ending the r/s I'm in? Clearly, my life is never going to be un-complicated and maybe I have crossed boundaries but I don't know beyond the obvious (kissing, saying I love her, or things like that) what IS crossing the line. I want to have a friendship with my ex, we have 3 kids together, we've got minimum 15 years of contact left. It's not like I can just walk away and never deal with her again. So what do I do here? So much to deal with... .

[Aussie0zborn]

That's quite a dilemna. Just when we thought it was safe... .bam, it starts over again. 

Mine behaved herself for a full year after reconciliation but it was all a facade. She needed her revenge and boy, did she let me have it! They can keep the facade going for as long as they have to but it's up to you to pick up on when the mask slips and not excuse it or pretend it didn't really just happen.

Letting her think that she has a chance of getting back together might make her explode when she finds out that it may not be a possibility or that you are seeing someone.

I wouldn't be leading her on in any way. Giving her a friendly hug is enough for her to interpret it as something more and bind you to that and then resent you for not responding the way she pictured it in her head.  Remember, this is your decision and not hers. Can you live with this illness? Good luck.

[half-life]

I'm in a fairly similar stage as you. Separated but not divorced. Long time marriage with young kids. She becomes very gentle and caring for me that has not happened for years. I have not expected such great change from her. Here is my post.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=236586.0

I am sympathetic of her. But my trust of her was long been destroyed. It will take a whole lot to have me change my mind to reconcile.

[Lost23]

Well she basically went bat**** crazy over the last few days, almost painting me black again as if suddenly I have to be accountable for things she didn't like in the time we haven't been together. I feel like she slipped right off the tracks again, almost instantly. I broke it off with the girl I was seeing which was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. We both cried. She was amazing, the nicest anyone has ever been to me. And I can't do it because I'm so damaged from this crap, and continue to let it affect me. I don't even get time to grieve it when my BPDx is calling me crying about her problems. I broke down and was just manic, in tears, begging her to leave me alone. She really doesn't understand how much she is breaking me down. She just asks "well can I call you tomorrow?". I hate that there is no responsibility for her choices. She asked for a divorce, she asked me to move out, she started dating first and was someone that had been lingering in the background for 2 years of our marriage. Now she puts guilt on me like "don't you want to work on this for our family?" F*** you. You didn't care when it affected anyone else. Now you dangle that in front of me like I'm the bad guy? I just feel so worn down now. I want to try and see my kids tonight because I fly out of country for work tomorrow. Which means I have to see her. And honestly, I feel like all the fight has been drained out of me. I give up. I woke up today with my eyes puffy and swollen from crying myself to sleep. Haven't felt this awful since the split was initiated. Messed up. I cried then because she didn't want me anymore. Now I'm crying because she does. And all the emotions I went through since to get myself better and happy again, were for nothing. Just a game because she doesn't have the capacity to think things through. This is my life. 3 kids. 15 more years. This is it.