Quick introduction

[semmel]

(Oops, I thought this was going into the introduction forum - I just followed the links after registration... .Could some moderator please move this to the right forum? Thanks!)

Hi.

In short, my wife's entire family is nuts... .

Got your attention? ;-)

When we married 12 years ago, we both didn't really know what was going on - only that my wife seemed to have a strong attachment to her family and that contact with her family often made her unhappy... .

It was only over the last few years that we really realized that they were purposefully making her life miserable.

Her brother was diagnosed with BPD and something else I can't recall right now - paranoia and something else I think. He used to rage at my wife, and she was his favorite target. Anything would set him off, and he has threatened to kill her in the past and physically hit her once or twice (and later claimed that she hit him - sounds typical, doesn't it?).

But once my wife had had enough of his abuse and angrily yelled back at him over the phone, he stopped harassing her.

Turns out her mother is the worst of the bunch. There's a good chance she has at least some BPD traits as well, but she's mostly an extreme form of a narcissist. We did a lot of research on the "symptoms", and narcissism seemed to fit the best. Highly abusive and controlling, but always deniable. She has no problems labeling my wife as "her sick child" and bringing her to a doctor to have her diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder when she was young. Knowing my wife, I just KNOW she has nothing of the kind! She's by far the healthiest and most aware person I know. But she is suffering from the results of a life-time of abuse that would take weeks to put into words, and I want to keep this short for now.

Her family used to live a mile away but have very recently moved into a retirement home only blocks from our house, and the mother has taken up stalking my wife as a "hobby". She'll slowly drive down the alley and later pretend she was only driving to a nearby store - however, we also see her on Sundays when that store is not even open... .And she only does it to catch a glimpse of her daughter... .

Nearly a year ago, my wife decided to go NC with her mother, and I did my best to support her with technology (i.e. block their numbers and email addresses). But after all this time of them not seeing each other, the mother still drives around the house and recently got lucky and happened to drive by just as my wife was taking out the trash ... .

It makes me so utterly furious that there's nothing we can do to prevent her constant invasion of our privacy, and we can't afford to move at this time, either.

Eventually, I'll ask for advice in a more official thread, but this is about the gist of it.

Oh, and I am a musician who earns a living as a computer tech - that's about it :-)

[claudiaduffy]

Welcome, Semmel!

I've often thought that it would be nice if we had a Witness Protection Program just for survivors of families under the sway of BPD. Like, we witnessed their abuse, now we get to be protected from them. It doesn't seem fair that the healthy people should have to pack up and move just to keep from being stalked.

Others will give you good advice here. I'm not recommending this course of action necessarily, but have you and your wife considered getting a restraining order on her mom and brother? I'd be surprised if you didn't have enough evidence to get the police department's attention.

[Woolspinner2000]

Semmel,

Glad to have you on board with all of us at the forum!

First of all, kudos to you for being such a supportive DH to your wife, a survivor of her childhood! 

Sounds like her family definitely has a lot of issues, and you've made some good choices to protect them. I second claudiaduffy's thoughts!

You'll find lots of help here, compassion, advice and good thoughts on what you can do to help your family stay safe.

Woolspinner

[semmel]

Thanks for the warm welcome!

We have thought about a restraining order or about notifying the neighbors of a "strange car that frequently drives down the alley very slowly as if to scope out houses... .". But on the one hand that would likely only increase her interest and spur her on even further ("there, I GOT to them!", and on the other hand we don't have any evidence that would hold up in court. All we have is 3rd party descriptions of her excuses ("but I'm only driving to the store" since we haven't actually been in contact with her for a while.

We can't prove that she won't stop until she gets to see my wife. We can't prove the decades of abuse.

All we have are a few emails that only speak a clear language to someone who has taken a really close interest in the psychology of abuse or narcissism. So we have nothing. Her mother is really good at covering her tracks and having everything look perfectly benign and deniable... .

If I had the money, I'd be tempted to return the favor and buy a helicopter/camera drone and let it hover around their window all day long to watch them back :-) Then maybe they might move out again :-)

Yes, I am very supportive and protective of my wife. She deserves peace and healing, and if it would help (and wasn't generally frowned upon), I'd probably go as far as doing physical harm to her #$%& mother... .Also, she has helped me grow so much. We're a wonderful team and definitely soul mates. But there's only so much you can do for each other when a third party is bent on continuously invading her privacy.

There's so many examples I could list of freaky things her Mom has said... .

"Some days I just imagine you in your house and what room you might be in and what you might be doing there ... ."

or on the subject of honesty:

"So if I don't want to be honest with you, does that mean you won't talk to me anymore?"

*sigh*

[claudiaduffy]

There's so many examples I could list of freaky things her Mom has said... .

"Some days I just imagine you in your house and what room you might be in and what you might be doing there ... ."

Ugh! My mom does this too. The other day she left a creepy message asking if I knew what she meant when she says she heard "Claudia's song" on the radio. ... .like she has a song that she's decided has some sort of emotional meaning between the two of us. And she's named her computer solitaire opponents after me, my husband, and my sister, and carries on conversations with them as if they were us playing with her. She told me that with no obvious expectation that I would think it anything other than cute... .

Anyway, I'm so sorry that there isn't much concrete you have to go on.

[semmel]

And she's named her computer solitaire opponents after me, my husband, and my sister, and carries on conversations with them as if they were us playing with her.

Wow, that's ... .creative! 

Yea, I can tell I'll find a LOT of like-minded people here... .

I read somewhere that a narcissist can possibly be stopped if you can exploit a deep fear or secret they have. Well, we just found out about one: My wife's mother is terribly afraid that we might move away (really? you stalk us and then are afraid we'll move?).

So we're putting out the rumor with the younger sister that it's the stalking that is currently making us consider moving. Let's see what that does... .

This is the article, by the way. Maybe it'll be useful to someone else... .

www.samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html