Intimacy

[Pieter2]

Just a thought - Was anyone here ever REALLY intimate with their BPD. I mean REAL intimacy. I never had that. I thought we did at first but we didn't - We never sat together holding hands (unless I wanted to). When we were with people, we never sat together like a couple or held each other. She never came up to me and hugged me or kissed me just because she wanted to for no reason. We never kissed halo, we never spontaneously had sex after starting by kissing etc. I was NEVER made to feel like I'm special after the first month or so. I was never her team mate or equal. It was all to please her, or to manipulate me. I don't think they can ever have real intimacy. They don't understand it.

[CareTaker]

Mine was intimate. We held hand where ever we went. While I was driving she would put her hand on my leg. While we where shopping she would ask me to kiss her. She just needed a bit of reassurance. Nope, kissing, holding hands real intimacy.

That is the one big thing that kept me hanging on for 3 years. Apart from all the lies, cheats and insults, I was happy just for those bit of crumbs occasionally.

[hergestridge]

It the beginning she wanted lots of intimacy, but it was on her terms; "Put your hand there!". When I took initiative she was annoyed and avoiding.

After a year or so touching outside sex annoyed her. This always clashed with her endless rants about us not being "intimate enough". I could not touch her spontaneously. Never cuddle when we woke up in the morning. She had to be in charge.

When we had our daughter this became a problem because she wanted to sleep up close to mom in bed, and she wanted to touch mom's face.

I was just so damn sure she had ADHD for so many years, because it's just so accurate. But she's made the tests... .

[Deeno02]

In the begining we were like high schoolers. Trying to find places to be intimate while there were 5 kids running around. Intimacy when we were alone finally involved her wants and needs only. Sex was pretty standard, oral all the time for her, me once in the entire 16 month r/s. we held hands and kissed in public but when we did, she had the oddest habit of looking over my shoulder and up, not eye contact either. she would always hug my arm while driving, but as I was slowly going black, it became less and less. Good luck new guy.

[ziniztar]

My ex had ADHD AND BPD...

In the beginning he seemed to enjoy the intimacy, but it was only for the first 4 - 5 months. Then he started to pull away, fill his weeks with endless other activities than being with me. My T once explained 'do you really want to be with someone that is filling the voids in his week, with you?'

It took me a few weeks to process that thought and to feel and see it was actually true.

He would meet me but he'd do it because he knew he was supposed to as a boyfriend, or because he knew I wanted it. Not because he felt happy to see me.

In the end, he even blatantly said he had no interest in seeing me 'but I'll do it for you'. I misjudged that as being nice and caring - after all, he did what I requested. By the time he pulled away for the 39490343th time I was able to see that I don't want to be with someone, that doesn't want to be with me.

He had hockey practice weeks where he would only send 1 picture or minor text per day. Whenever he was in need of me (because something bad had happened to his friend, or he needed advice) he was able to give me a call during MY (!) workday. There was absolutely no interest in my day, my well-being. He asked because he had learnt the trick. Over the course of the past couple of months, I learnt that he really didn't care. If he was interested in me, he would have tried to be with me more than he did. I was only there as a back-up.

I resent nothing because I know he can't help it. But to answer the question: intimacy? Only in the beginning, and on very rare occasions later on when he knew he had to tighten the hook, to ensure I wouldn't leave. Then he would open up a little.

It's sad to realize someone is this ill, because I know that deep down there is no intent to hurt us. They just don't know any better.

[Caredverymuch]

Just a thought - Was anyone here ever REALLY intimate with their BPD. I mean REAL intimacy. I never had that. I thought we did at first but we didn't - We never sat together holding hands (unless I wanted to). When we were with people, we never sat together like a couple or held each other. She never came up to me and hugged me or kissed me just because she wanted to for no reason. We never kissed halo, we never spontaneously had sex after starting by kissing etc. I was NEVER made to feel like I'm special after the first month or so. I was never her team mate or equal. It was all to please her, or to manipulate me. I don't think they can ever have real intimacy. They don't understand it.

Yes , we shared all those warm intimate things all the time.  Held hands always.  His hand on my leg as we drove.  Kissed deeply. He held doors for me and would hug me as we waiting in restaurants.  He was always rubbing my leg.  Embraced warmly and really held one another there in wordless closeness.  We both felt it all in those moments. He would say this many times and I know it was not true mirroring bc you cant make up that type of palpable emotion and warmth. It was there.  Yes there were the very hard things too like the splittings, push pulls, projections.  What made so much about the r/s difficult was despite the really hard behaviors , we always shared the intimate ones too.   Right up till the day he up and left. 

[Pieter2]

It the beginning she wanted lots of intimacy, but it was on her terms; "Put your hand there!". When I took initiative she was annoyed and avoiding.

After a year or so touching outside sex annoyed her. This always clashed with her endless rants about us not being "intimate enough". I could not touch her spontaneously. Never cuddle when we woke up in the morning. She had to be in charge.

When we had our daughter this became a problem because she wanted to sleep up close to mom in bed, and she wanted to touch mom's face.

I was just so damn sure she had ADHD for so many years, because it's just so accurate. But she's made the tests... .

This is exactly how it was for me. If I even touched her to say halo when coming home she would tell me that I'm "annoying". The word "annoyed" was her favourite word and by a country mile the word that came out of her mouth the most. I could never understand that she wanted me to be there all the time but only for her to tell me that I'm annoying and treating me like I would never treat any friend/colleague/family member or any guest in my house. She needed me there to abuse.

[FoolishMan]

My ex had ADHD AND BPD...

In the beginning he seemed to enjoy the intimacy, but it was only for the first 4 - 5 months. Then he started to pull away, fill his weeks with endless other activities than being with me. My T once explained 'do you really want to be with someone that is filling the voids in his week, with you?'

It took me a few weeks to process that thought and to feel and see it was actually true.

He would meet me but he'd do it because he knew he was supposed to as a boyfriend, or because he knew I wanted it. Not because he felt happy to see me.

In the end, he even blatantly said he had no interest in seeing me 'but I'll do it for you'. I misjudged that as being nice and caring - after all, he did what I requested. By the time he pulled away for the 39490343th time I was able to see that I don't want to be with someone, that doesn't want to be with me.

He had hockey practice weeks where he would only send 1 picture or minor text per day. Whenever he was in need of me (because something bad had happened to his friend, or he needed advice) he was able to give me a call during MY (!) workday. There was absolutely no interest in my day, my well-being. He asked because he had learnt the trick. Over the course of the past couple of months, I learnt that he really didn't care. If he was interested in me, he would have tried to be with me more than he did. I was only there as a back-up.

I resent nothing because I know he can't help it. But to answer the question: intimacy? Only in the beginning, and on very rare occasions later on when he knew he had to tighten the hook, to ensure I wouldn't leave. Then he would open up a little.

It's sad to realize someone is this ill, because I know that deep down there is no intent to hurt us. They just don't know any better.

I agree with and understand most of your post however the last part, where you said they don't mean to hurt US, is wrong. My ex meant to hurt me. Many times. She still tries it even after all these months of NC. She knows what she is doing. She's done it to all her previous guys too. She's doing it to the current guy, who she left me for, by trying desperately to get back with me. While bad mouthing me to friends and her family.

I'm glad it bounces off me now but it was pure torture in the beginning of the B/U.

[Deeno02]

My ex had ADHD AND BPD...

In the beginning he seemed to enjoy the intimacy, but it was only for the first 4 - 5 months. Then he started to pull away, fill his weeks with endless other activities than being with me. My T once explained 'do you really want to be with someone that is filling the voids in his week, with you?'

It took me a few weeks to process that thought and to feel and see it was actually true.

He would meet me but he'd do it because he knew he was supposed to as a boyfriend, or because he knew I wanted it. Not because he felt happy to see me.

In the end, he even blatantly said he had no interest in seeing me 'but I'll do it for you'. I misjudged that as being nice and caring - after all, he did what I requested. By the time he pulled away for the 39490343th time I was able to see that I don't want to be with someone, that doesn't want to be with me.

He had hockey practice weeks where he would only send 1 picture or minor text per day. Whenever he was in need of me (because something bad had happened to his friend, or he needed advice) he was able to give me a call during MY (!) workday. There was absolutely no interest in my day, my well-being. He asked because he had learnt the trick. Over the course of the past couple of months, I learnt that he really didn't care. If he was interested in me, he would have tried to be with me more than he did. I was only there as a back-up.

I resent nothing because I know he can't help it. But to answer the question: intimacy? Only in the beginning, and on very rare occasions later on when he knew he had to tighten the hook, to ensure I wouldn't leave. Then he would open up a little.

It's sad to realize someone is this ill, because I know that deep down there is no intent to hurt us. They just don't know any better.

I agree with and understand most of your post however the last part, where you said they don't mean to hurt US, is wrong. My ex meant to hurt me. Many times. She still tries it even after all these months of NC. She knows what she is doing. She's done it to all her previous guys too. She's doing it to the current guy, who she left me for, by trying desperately to get back with me. While bad mouthing me to friends and her family.

I'm glad it bounces off me now but it was pure torture in the beginning of the B/U.

I'm very happy she's enamored with the new guy. As long as she is, I can keep the distancing going and I won't be tortured any further. Out of sight out of mind! Thank you new guy! Your my hero!

[going places]

Just a thought - Was anyone here ever REALLY intimate with their BPD. I mean REAL intimacy. I never had that. I thought we did at first but we didn't - We never sat together holding hands (unless I wanted to). When we were with people, we never sat together like a couple or held each other. She never came up to me and hugged me or kissed me just because she wanted to for no reason. We never kissed halo, we never spontaneously had sex after starting by kissing etc. I was NEVER made to feel like I'm special after the first month or so. I was never her team mate or equal. It was all to please her, or to manipulate me. I don't think they can ever have real intimacy. They don't understand it.

Intimacy for me was more than 'touching and sex'

Intimacy starts at the breakfast table.

My ex and I never had moments where we shared our hopes and dreams with each other, shared our fears and then assured the other that we were there... .we never prayed together (until after the affair, and it was fake on his part), we never did anything 'deep' together, because he has no depth.

Sex was sex. It was him getting what he wanted, when he wanted it, and when he was done, it was sleepy time.

Holding hands always led to groping and sex.

There was no such thing as just 'holding hands, sitting close, etc'... .

It always ended in sex.

And when he was done... .it was like nothing just happened. He relived himself, and went on with his day; kinda like people do when they finish their lunch. They wipe off their face, throw the wrapper in the trash, and move on.

I may sound like a prude, and maybe it's my age, but I am telling you this... .

I will not have sex before I am married, and if I never marry again, so be it.

Never ever again will I allow myself to be used, treated like a piece of meat, or worse; equate 'love and relationship' in the same sentence with the word sex.

So Intimacy for me has really very very very little to do with the act of sex.

Anyone can have sex, heck, animals have sex.

Intimacy is the depth of real love... .

[Infared]

I do not associate true intimacy with sex in any way. Although one of the definitions in the dictionary is sexual intercourse it was #7 on the list in Websters.

My definition for our purposes would be:

#2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.

I could add... very deep, faithful and trusting... .

I gave all of that.

I have NO IDEA what was going on at the other end. None. Never will.

[going places]

I do not associate true intimacy with sex in any way. Although one of the definitions in the dictionary is sexual intercourse it was #7 on the list in Websters.

My definition for our purposes would be:

#2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.

I could add... very deep, faithful and trusting... .

I gave all of that.

I have NO IDEA what was going on at the other end. None. Never will.

Kind of like when you read the ingredients on a package. The further down the list you go, the smaller the amount the ingredient is in the package.

And I agree with you 100%

[mywifecrazy]

I may sound like a prude, and maybe it's my age, but I am telling you this... .

I will not have sex before I am married, and if I never marry again, so be it.

Never ever again will I allow myself to be used, treated like a piece of meat, or worse; equate 'love and relationship' in the same sentence with the word sex.

So Intimacy for me has really very very very little to do with the act of sex.

Anyone can have sex, heck, animals have sex.

Intimacy is the depth of real love... .

You're not a prude. I agree with you 100%. I will never have meaningless sex again. I want want to experience it with someone I'm totally connecting with emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Someone who is a true soulmate. Someone that would be just as concerned about me and my needs as I would be about hers. If that person is out there God will make it happen.

Thanks for your post, I needed to hear that!

MWC... .

[hergestridge]

"Intimacy" as in a bond and closeness between two people that goes beyond the physical - that was even more frustrating.

There would be times when my ex wife was very much into the idea of "us", seeking my company, planning for the future etc. Then, without a warning, I was the enemy, the invader, the aggressor.

After a few rounds of that I couldn't be very intimate any more. I became guarded and reserved. Because I knew she would go cold on me any minute, and that just hurts too much if you have opened up and become "warm" yourself.

[Popcorn71]

Yes , we shared all those warm intimate things all the time.  Held hands always.  His hand on my leg as we drove.  Kissed deeply. He held doors for me and would hug me as we waiting in restaurants.  He was always rubbing my leg.  Embraced warmly and really held one another there in wordless closeness.  We both felt it all in those moments. He would say this many times and I know it was not true mirroring bc you cant make up that type of palpable emotion and warmth. It was there.  Yes there were the very hard things too like the splittings, push pulls, projections.  What made so much about the r/s difficult was despite the really hard behaviors , we always shared the intimate ones too.   Right up till the day he up and left. 

This describes exactly how my exBPDh was with me.  Sometimes, I found him to be a bit too clingy.  He always had to be touching me or holding on to my hand.  If we were watching tv and not sitting next to each other, he would call me over and want me to sit on his knee like a child.  Sometimes I found it a bit creepy as he was a lot older than me and called me his baby, etc.

I find it interesting that now he is with the replacement there is none of this behaviour when they are in public.  Obviously I don't know what they are like at home.   Whenever I have seen them or photos of them, you wouldn't even know they were a couple.  They never stand next to each other.  She usually sits at the edge of his group of friends while he stands talking to them.  In fact, people who didn't know we have split up, have spoken to my ex when he has been out with the replacement and didn't even realise he was with her.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

Yes, absolutely.

The problem was my exGF had relations with many other guys at the same time without pretense of feeling.  A clinically hypersexual diagnosed BPD, which i did not know about until it was far too late in the game.

i was important because she fell in love with me, and had someone not located nearby (2 hr distance) that she could keep at bay, and enjoy a loving relationship replete with all of the intimate feelings and actions.  The other guys were just meaningless encounters.

Then, as in all BPD relationships, the BPD partner's feelings fade/change/morph and as a non, i found myself being the person left with all of the emotional toxic waste.  That stuff does not, or ever will go away.

[Pingo]

Intimacy was so confusing for me.  My ex was extremely affectionate right up until the end.  He spooned me all night long.  He would wake up 10 minutes before my alarm would go off to have me come cuddle with him before I got up.  He would always want me to come lay with him on the couch.  He hugged and kissed freely.  And then when I did something that was 'wrong' he would take it all away.  I'd get his back to me in the bed.  The STs were like torture.  I was being punished.  It was that 'conditional' intimacy that made me think this isn't really intimacy.  He was a good lover, very attentive and always willing to make sure I was taken care of.  But it wasn't what I craved.  I craved to just lay in his arms, have him look into my eyes lovingly.  He tried to do this but there was always something missing.  I could never understand what it was.  And we could be having a very intimate sexual experience and he could snap and be annoyed at me over something really stupid, like when I got a cramp or something!  It was very confusing.  In the end I was starting to feel suspicious about any affection or intimate gestures.  I began to feel like he was doing them to control and possess me.  I had lost all trust.  Nothing felt sincere.  It was very sad.

[ziniztar]

Intimacy was so confusing for me.  My ex was extremely affectionate right up until the end.  He spooned me all night long.  He would wake up 10 minutes before my alarm would go off to have me come cuddle with him before I got up.  He would always want me to come lay with him on the couch.  He hugged and kissed freely.  And then when I did something that was 'wrong' he would take it all away.  I'd get his back to me in the bed.  The STs were like torture.  I was being punished.  It was that 'conditional' intimacy that made me think this isn't really intimacy.  He was a good lover, very attentive and always willing to make sure I was taken care of.  But it wasn't what I craved.  I craved to just lay in his arms, have him look into my eyes lovingly.  He tried to do this but there was always something missing.  I could never understand what it was.  And we could be having a very intimate sexual experience and he could snap and be annoyed at me over something really stupid, like when I got a cramp or something!  It was very confusing.  In the end I was starting to feel suspicious about any affection or intimate gestures.  I began to feel like he was doing them to control and possess me.  I had lost all trust.  Nothing felt sincere.  It was very sad.

My experience exactly.

[Caredverymuch]

Intimacy was so confusing for me.  My ex was extremely affectionate right up until the end.  He spooned me all night long.  He would wake up 10 minutes before my alarm would go off to have me come cuddle with him before I got up.  He would always want me to come lay with him on the couch.  He hugged and kissed freely.  And then when I did something that was 'wrong' he would take it all away.  I'd get his back to me in the bed.  The STs were like torture.  I was being punished.  It was that 'conditional' intimacy that made me think this isn't really intimacy.  He was a good lover, very attentive and always willing to make sure I was taken care of.  But it wasn't what I craved.  I craved to just lay in his arms, have him look into my eyes lovingly.  He tried to do this but there was always something missing.  I could never understand what it was.  And we could be having a very intimate sexual experience and he could snap and be annoyed at me over something really stupid, like when I got a cramp or something!  It was very confusing.  In the end I was starting to feel suspicious about any affection or intimate gestures.  I began to feel like he was doing them to control and possess me.  I had lost all trust.  Nothing felt sincere.  It was very sad.

My experience exactly.

I agree and very similar  to my experience.

[Painterly2014]

In 25 years of marriage I didn't have it. I always knew something was missing and everything was so superficial. Every time he touched me when we were alone it was a means to an end.  No just sitting together on the couch to watch a movie and snuggle up, oh no, that would be read as he gets his treat so its time to start groping. He was always groping me at inappropriate times, like while cooking something on the stove, and then get pissed off because I didn't want him doing it. If he didn't get it when he wanted then he would be crappy and mean or sometimes escalate it and accuse me of not giving him any intimacy or I didn't pay attention to him, and then he would not speak to me for days on end. I did it so much when didn't want to just to keep from having a problem with him and avoid the accusations. I got to the point of dreading it. So intimacy, no.  Lots of trying to fill a bottomless pit of selfish neediness, oh yeah!.  .  Never Again!     

[vortex of confusion]

In 25 years of marriage I didn't have it. I always knew something was missing and everything was so superficial. Every time he touched me when we were alone it was a means to an end.  No just sitting together on the couch to watch a movie and snuggle up, oh no, that would be read as he gets his treat so its time to start groping. He was always groping me at inappropriate times, like while cooking something on the stove, and then get pissed off because I didn't want him doing it. If he didn't get it when he wanted then he would be crappy and mean or sometimes escalate it and accuse me of not giving him any intimacy or I didn't pay attention to him, and then he would not speak to me for days on end. I did it so much when didn't want to just to keep from having a problem with him and avoid the accusations. I got to the point of dreading it. So intimacy, no.  Lots of trying to fill a bottomless pit of selfish neediness, oh yeah!.  .  Never Again!   

I can relate to a lot of what you say here. Mine is a sex addict and that made intimacy very confusing. When we were dating, there was some intimacy and sweetness. We would hold hands and be cute and stuff. After we got married, I would wake up to him looking at porn and taking care of himself in the mornings so there was very little cuddling. It seemed like at night we would watch TV, maybe have sex, and he would fall asleep.

I know what you mean about feeling like everything led to sex. I'd try to cuddle or initiate normal touch and that would be interpreted as me wanting sex. I still can't make sense out of or describe the confusion of our sex life. But, like others have said, I didn't really think of sex as the be all end all of intimacy. That is the most screwed up thing about it all. He would simultaneously want sex and then be unable to perform or would somehow reject me. I am still trying to figure out how everything was about sex but I was usually left frustrated.

It is really difficult to have true intimacy with somebody that is so self centered and selfish. Yeah, we would talk but it seems like it would go back to being about him. I would be interested in him and would support him but he would not do the same for me.

[Blimblam]

I may sound like a prude, and maybe it's my age, but I am telling you this... .

I will not have sex before I am married, and if I never marry again, so be it.

Never ever again will I allow myself to be used, treated like a piece of meat, or worse; equate 'love and relationship' in the same sentence with the word sex.

So Intimacy for me has really very very very little to do with the act of sex.

Anyone can have sex, heck, animals have sex.

Intimacy is the depth of real love... .

You're not a prude. I agree with you 100%. I will never have meaningless sex again. I want want to experience it with someone I'm totally connecting with emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Someone who is a true soulmate. Someone that would be just as concerned about me and my needs as I would be about hers. If that person is out there God will make it happen.

Thanks for your post, I needed to hear that!

MWC... .

Mwc

I can relate to what you seek but I wanted to share my thoughts for you on soulmate. I think you may mean a life mate.  A soulmate is like water that seeks out and fills all the nooks and crannies of our inner void but that is a codependent relationship like the one we had with our borderlines exs,  The water that fills our emptiness drowns us In the end. Like a baptism in the abyss of waters of the unconcious mind to be reborn again.

[going places]

In 25 years of marriage I didn't have it. I always knew something was missing and everything was so superficial. Every time he touched me when we were alone it was a means to an end.  No just sitting together on the couch to watch a movie and snuggle up, oh no, that would be read as he gets his treat so its time to start groping. He was always groping me at inappropriate times, like while cooking something on the stove, and then get pissed off because I didn't want him doing it. If he didn't get it when he wanted then he would be crappy and mean or sometimes escalate it and accuse me of not giving him any intimacy or I didn't pay attention to him, and then he would not speak to me for days on end. I did it so much when didn't want to just to keep from having a problem with him and avoid the accusations. I got to the point of dreading it. So intimacy, no.  Lots of trying to fill a bottomless pit of selfish neediness, oh yeah!.  .  Never Again!     

I could have typed this myself, word for word.

I am so sorry you had to go through this.

[parisian]

Mine could be tender - but only sometimes. Would want to hold hands or just be touching whilst watching movies. Or touch me gently when we were out or hold my hand, or rest her hand on my leg whilst I was driving, or spoon me going to sleep.

And then just as a complete opposite, would open the door to me when I arrived to visit and sometimes just walk away without so much as a kiss or hug or even hello some days. It was so confusing. A couple of times I commented on this behaviour, and towards the end I got a kind-of-forced quick kiss.

It was not the behaviour of someone who seemed happy to see me. I can't ever really recall a gentle, loving embrace.

[Pieter2]

Mine could be tender - but only sometimes. Would want to hold hands or just be touching whilst watching movies. Or touch me gently when we were out or hold my hand, or rest her hand on my leg whilst I was driving, or spoon me going to sleep.

And then just as a complete opposite, would open the door to me when I arrived to visit and sometimes just walk away without so much as a kiss or hug or even hello some days. It was so confusing. A couple of times I commented on this behaviour, and towards the end I got a kind-of-forced quick kiss.

It was not the behaviour of someone who seemed happy to see me. I can't ever really recall a gentle, loving embrace.

Exactly - "Gentle, loving embrace". I felt in bed like I was her teddy bear. She held me when I didn't hold her. Couldn't lie alone. But never did I feel like she was happy to see me. Not at the airport when I had been away on business, not in the evening when I'm home from work etc. Also, never did anything nice for me because it would make her happy, like surprise me or anything like that. Suffice to say that she also NEVER appreciated anything I did for her, and I did it all. Surprises, special evenings out etc. etc.

[Deeno02]

Mine could be tender - but only sometimes. Would want to hold hands or just be touching whilst watching movies. Or touch me gently when we were out or hold my hand, or rest her hand on my leg whilst I was driving, or spoon me going to sleep.

And then just as a complete opposite, would open the door to me when I arrived to visit and sometimes just walk away without so much as a kiss or hug or even hello some days. It was so confusing. A couple of times I commented on this behaviour, and towards the end I got a kind-of-forced quick kiss.

It was not the behaviour of someone who seemed happy to see me. I can't ever really recall a gentle, loving embrace.

At the begining it was cool, once I started getting split, all that changed. I knew I was done, couldnt accept it, or didnt really dawn on me the magnitude of trouble I was in. What a freakin idiot I was... .

[going places]

Mine could be tender - but only sometimes. Would want to hold hands or just be touching whilst watching movies. Or touch me gently when we were out or hold my hand, or rest her hand on my leg whilst I was driving, or spoon me going to sleep.

And then just as a complete opposite, would open the door to me when I arrived to visit and sometimes just walk away without so much as a kiss or hug or even hello some days. It was so confusing. A couple of times I commented on this behaviour, and towards the end I got a kind-of-forced quick kiss.

It was not the behaviour of someone who seemed happy to see me. I can't ever really recall a gentle, loving embrace.

At the begining it was cool, once I started getting split, all that changed. I knew I was done, couldnt accept it, or didnt really dawn on me the magnitude of trouble I was in. What a freakin idiot I was... .

Don't get down on yourself.

Yeah, it sucks being fooled... .but that's not on you.

That's on them.

I don't know what "getting split" means?

[mywifecrazy]

I may sound like a prude, and maybe it's my age, but I am telling you this... .

I will not have sex before I am married, and if I never marry again, so be it.

Never ever again will I allow myself to be used, treated like a piece of meat, or worse; equate 'love and relationship' in the same sentence with the word sex.

So Intimacy for me has really very very very little to do with the act of sex.

Anyone can have sex, heck, animals have sex.

Intimacy is the depth of real love... .

You're not a prude. I agree with you 100%. I will never have meaningless sex again. I want want to experience it with someone I'm totally connecting with emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Someone who is a true soulmate. Someone that would be just as concerned about me and my needs as I would be about hers. If that person is out there God will make it happen.

Thanks for your post, I needed to hear that!

MWC... .

Mwc

I can relate to what you seek but I wanted to share my thoughts for you on soulmate. I think you may mean a life mate.  A soulmate is like water that seeks out and fills all the nooks and crannies of our inner void but that is a codependent relationship like the one we had with our borderlines exs,  The water that fills our emptiness drowns us In the end. Like a baptism in the abyss of waters of the unconcious mind to be reborn again.

I hear you and agree with you Blim. Soulmate is just a common expression. Co-Dependant is what I was when I was in the FOG. I'm recovering from that and being a RESCUER.

My Life/Soulmate will be an individual who is completely secure and happy with herself as an individual and is not in NEED of a relationship to be happy. That is my goal for myself in my recovery. When two people like this come together. The love they have for themselves will compliment each other as a couple. If it doesn't happen I will be single and just as happy.

Thanks for your response Blim.

MWC... .

[going places]

My Life/Soulmate will be an individual who is completely secure and happy with herself as an individual and is not in NEED of a relationship to be happy. That is my goal for myself in my recovery. When two people like this come together. The love they have for themselves will compliment each other as a couple. If it doesn't happen I will be single and just as happy.

I have said more than once over the last 25 years "I should have married a Marine".

I have a similar goal.

Heal, get a firm grip on "me" and "my hopes, dreams, future".

IF (and that's a big one) I were to enter into a 'more than friends, but not married yet' type of relationship, it's gonna be (1) healthy (2) with someone who can stand on their own two feet, make a decision, have integrity, honor, courage; honesty. (3) someone who WANTS to spend time with me, because they actually enjoy spending time with me; not to just drain me dry to satisfy themselves.

Should be interesting!

[mywifecrazy]

My Life/Soulmate will be an individual who is completely secure and happy with herself as an individual and is not in NEED of a relationship to be happy. That is my goal for myself in my recovery. When two people like this come together. The love they have for themselves will compliment each other as a couple. If it doesn't happen I will be single and just as happy.

I have said more than once over the last 25 years "I should have married a Marine".

I have a similar goal.

Heal, get a firm grip on "me" and "my hopes, dreams, future".

IF (and that's a big one) I were to enter into a 'more than friends, but not married yet' type of relationship, it's gonna be (1) healthy (2) with someone who can stand on their own two feet, make a decision, have integrity, honor, courage; honesty. (3) someone who WANTS to spend time with me, because they actually enjoy spending time with me; not to just drain me dry to satisfy themselves.

Should be interesting!

Jeremiah 29:11 ... .Amen!

My fav verse Rom 8:28 and the following means a lot to me Psalm 126:4-5

MWC... .