Being crushed by my exBPDs selfishness

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A week before she broke up with me she posted on my fb wall that I was the strongest man she knew for loving her the way she was and that she loved me with all her heart. She posted this after I helped her calm down from a "emotional episode" she had after we came home from dinner with my family. She told me all the time she couldn't live without me, needed me in her life, I am the perfect man for her. When she told me she wanted a "break" (to explore) and I told her she I wasn't going to be in her life she cried and said she didn't want to loose me. A couple of days post b/u she tells me how much pain SHE is in, how hard it is on HER, how lonely SHE is (even though she is the one with the car and out with people having a good time, she left me carless) all about HER feelings. weeks later she tries calling me, friending me on fb, telling me SHE still wants me in her life, wanting to know if I am ok. We go to the same college and know each others schedule, never once has she tried to see how I am doing. I walked near her the other day and she didn't come up to me to see if I was ok.

All throughout the relationship I gave her so much unconditional love, money, time, energy, helped her with her problems etc. etc. She needed somewhere to live I opened up my doors. She didn't have a car, well, I had a "whats mine is yours" attitude. When she carved a "frowny face" into her stomach because she felt trapped, angry, and couldn't handle her emotions what did I do? I went to the store, bought gel you rub on cuts so they don't scar easy, got on my knees rubbed it on her cut, kissed it, then got up and hugged her telling her I still loved her and will always be there for her... .  .  She didn't get her way and she would whine, do ST, or that demonic rage BPDs have would come out.

When I was in the Fog I still saw just how damn selfish she was but now it just baffles me. It enrages me. And it crushes me how she is only thinking of her feelings despite how much I have been there for her, sacrificed for her, or done for her.

When she realizes she can't reach me she just stops trying to and moves on to her new supply. How can you even cope with how selfish they are? The relationship lasted 2.5 years and it took me less than a month of us being broken up to realize our relationship was just a convenience for her.




 

[antonio1213]

A week before she broke up with me she posted on my fb wall that I was the strongest man she knew for loving her the way she was and that she loved me with all her heart. She posted this after I helped her calm down from a "emotional episode" she had after we came home from dinner with my family. She told me all the time she couldn't live without me, needed me in her life, I am the perfect man for her. When she told me she wanted a "break" (to explore) and I told her she I wasn't going to be in her life she cried and said she didn't want to loose me. A couple of days post b/u she tells me how much pain SHE is in, how hard it is on HER, how lonely SHE is (even though she is the one with the car and out with people having a good time, she left me carless) all about HER feelings. weeks later she tries calling me, friending me on fb, telling me SHE still wants me in her life, wanting to know if I am ok. We go to the same college and know each others schedule, never once has she tried to see how I am doing. I walked near her the other day and she didn't come up to me to see if I was ok.

All throughout the relationship I gave her so much unconditional love, money, time, energy, helped her with her problems etc. etc. She needed somewhere to live I opened up my doors. She didn't have a car, well, I had a "whats mine is yours" attitude. When she carved a "frowny face" into her stomach because she felt trapped, angry, and couldn't handle her emotions what did I do? I went to the store, bought gel you rub on cuts so they don't scar easy, got on my knees rubbed it on her cut, kissed it, then got up and hugged her telling her I still loved her and will always be there for her... .  .  She didn't get her way and she would whine, do ST, or that demonic rage BPDs have would come out.

When I was in the Fog I still saw just how damn selfish she was but now it just baffles me. It enrages me. And it crushes me how she is only thinking of her feelings despite how much I have been there for her, sacrificed for her, or done for her.

When she realizes she can't reach me she just stops trying to and moves on to her new supply. How can you even cope with how selfish they are? The relationship lasted 2.5 years and it took me less than a month of us being broken up to realize our relationship was just a convenience for her.




 

[going places]

How can you even cope with how selfish they are?

You can't.

Stop.

You will drive yourself MAD if you try to "make sense" of nonsense.

It's like trying to catch wind, bottle the ocean, count the stars.

Focus on the logical not the 'emotional'.

Focus on the facts, not the 'feelings'.

Then re-train your brain. When thoughts of her creep in, replace them with something else; preferably on your future, your plans, your life; which has nothing to do with her.

Once you stop the negative pattern of thinking in your head... .the relief is like a cleansing spring rain!

[Blimblam]

The disorder goes in cycles forming a overall pattern.  The role you played in her pattern gets cycled through the disorder doesn't care about how much you have and your expectations. If anything her being reminded of that triggers her shame which would remind her of the pain associated with her core trauma which is why the disorder exists in the first place to avoid confrontin this core traumas in her psyche. To do this her psyche and identity had been compartmentalized and fragmented. She is left in survival mode using the coping mechanisms she has. Her mistrust of her primary attachments causes her to mistrust her attachments se forms in life. So she reaches out when her needs arnt being met and tells you how she feels I hopes you will share your feelings and reinforce the attachment. For her to face the pain she caused you would be her to face her shame.  So her doing this also allows her to guage if you have forgiven her. She feels a tremendous shame at her core that she is trying to avoid feeling her entire life.  She gave you the love she wished she could give herself. Then she have you the shame that she is consumed by.  She desires to be forgiven because she cannot forgive herself.  She wants these difficult feelings to be processed by the grown up.

[antonio1213]

The disorder goes in cycles forming a overall pattern.  The role you played in her pattern gets cycled through the disorder doesn't care about how much you have and your expectations. If anything her being reminded of that triggers her shame which would remind her of the pain associated with her core trauma which is why the disorder exists in the first place to avoid confrontin this core traumas in her psyche. To do this her psyche and identity had been compartmentalized and fragmented. She is left in survival mode using the coping mechanisms she has. Her mistrust of her primary attachments causes her to mistrust her attachments se forms in life. So she reaches out when her needs arnt being met and tells you how she feels I hopes you will share your feelings and reinforce the attachment. For her to face the pain she caused you would be her to face her shame.  So her doing this also allows her to guage if you have forgiven her. She feels a tremendous shame at her core that she is trying to avoid feeling her entire life.  She gave you the love she wished she could give herself. Then she have you the shame that she is consumed by.  She desires to be forgiven because she cannot forgive herself.  She wants these difficult feelings to be processed by the grown up.

Sounds very complex. So she projects her own shame toward herself , as well as the "love" she wished she had for herself on me?

How is me not contacting her affecting her? Because she seems more than happy being by herself and not facing her shame. Is she trying to use new supply to hide from the shame she could be feeling for what she did to me, or does she not even see what she has done? I don't think she is able to fully put herself in someone else's shoes and feel what they feel. To me I feel like I am not on her mind at all and she is utterly repulsed my the thought of me as anything else besides someone who can be there for her.

If she really desires to be forgiven than what will happen if I never forgive her? Does she just push down that shame and go on with her life filling that hole with other things?

[clydegriffith]

The sooner you realize that you had nothing real with her the better you'll be. All those great things she said about you were said because she is mentally ill. Nothing more nothing less.

[antonio1213]

The sooner you realize that you had nothing real with her the better you'll be. All those great things she said about you were said because she is mentally ill. Nothing more nothing less.

Is it really okay to put 100% of the blame on the BPD?

[tim_tom]

The sooner you realize that you had nothing real with her the better you'll be. All those great things she said about you were said because she is mentally ill. Nothing more nothing less.

Unfortunately this is what i believe. The initial idealization is no more real then the current devaluation, just manifestations of a personality disorder.

I've had the debate as to how "real" these feelings are several times on these boards, and I am not trying to diminish pwBPD, but their feelings are not real the way I would define them, not in a healthy or adult way.

It's extremely hard to reconcile, and I still struggle with it, but it's much easier to let go when you understand what you just went through wasn't some fairy tale, once in a life time type love. And man oh man does it hurt saying that, cause for a long time I believed that to be true, but non of that is congruent with what happened later in the relationship.

[Raybo48]

The disorder goes in cycles forming a overall pattern.  The role you played in her pattern gets cycled through the disorder doesn't care about how much you have and your expectations. If anything her being reminded of that triggers her shame which would remind her of the pain associated with her core trauma which is why the disorder exists in the first place to avoid confrontin this core traumas in her psyche. To do this her psyche and identity had been compartmentalized and fragmented. She is left in survival mode using the coping mechanisms she has. Her mistrust of her primary attachments causes her to mistrust her attachments se forms in life. So she reaches out when her needs arnt being met and tells you how she feels I hopes you will share your feelings and reinforce the attachment. For her to face the pain she caused you would be her to face her shame.  So her doing this also allows her to guage if you have forgiven her. She feels a tremendous shame at her core that she is trying to avoid feeling her entire life.  She gave you the love she wished she could give herself. Then she have you the shame that she is consumed by.  She desires to be forgiven because she cannot forgive herself.  She wants these difficult feelings to be processed by the grown up.

Sounds very complex. So she projects her own shame toward herself , as well as the "love" she wished she had for herself on me?

How is me not contacting her affecting her? Because she seems more than happy being by herself and not facing her shame. Is she trying to use new supply to hide from the shame she could be feeling for what she did to me, or does she not even see what she has done? I To me I feel like I am not on her mind at all and she is utterly repulsed my the thought of me as anything else besides someone who can be there for her. don't think she is able to fully put herself in someone else's shoes and feel what they feel.

If she really desires to be forgiven than what will happen if I never forgive her? Does she just push down that shame and go on with her life filling that hole with other things?

What you are describing in that one sentence is empathy, and in my experience they are completely devoid of that quality.  It really surrounds their entire disorder and it's what causes us so much pain on just about everything they do or don't do.  Many of us are in shock how they can move right on with another partner, again a severe lack of empathy plays a role in that with the BPD.  I also agree with Tim, their feelings are not nearly the same as our own or how we would define them. They are not mature feelings nor are they sustainable for any length of time.