Detaching from my Playmate

[Loveofhislife]

Just a few thoughts after reading some posts this morning. I believe I have been in  the depression phase of my grieving (denial, anger, depression, acceptance). I think it has been as bad or worse than the other phases, but as I wrote last week, "I can see clearly now." And the FOG continues to clear.

In my FOO, I was the youngest of 3 by many years. Functionally, an only child, and certainly a lonely child. I had a rich imagination but longed for the attention of my much older parents and older siblings: all who made me feel either like an annoyance or a petulant cocker spaniel.

Later in life, I took care of (rescued, nursed, etc.) all four members of my FOO. In this way, I found my role with them, and gained their acceptance. I was the "strong" one: their Princess of Tides.

I replicated how I found acceptance in subsequent relationships: I was counselor, big sister, rescuer, coach, and consultant to all who came into my life--including my former spouse and three children.

About 16 months ago, a man came into my life. He NEEDED my help more than anyone I ever had met. He attended to my every "need" every waking moment of every day. He mirrored me to become the playmate I always wanted but never had. He was my help-meet; he could solve any and every problem I had. It seemed we were perfect for each other.

But my playmate soon became jealous and angry and controlling. What happened? What did I do? What didn't I do? We became entangled in a spiral of need and dependence: not love. Then he suddenly left one day--never to return.

I lost my playmate, but I found myself: not nearly as strong or independent as I thought. And in my acceptance, I must somehow forgive and be thankful that exbfBPD showed me the way.

I pray each of us carries on through the FOG; that each of us becomes our own best playmate; and that God willing; we each find companionship not only with ourselves but with others who reciprocate our love for self and others.

Thank you, BPD Family