This question is in so many threads here. When our kids are under age 18 and we can control where they go, we still cannot make them participate. We can communicate with the treatment professionals and hope they can get through to our kids. It feels really awful when our adult kids close us out of their choices about treatment, or thinking they do not need treatment. My DD28 has often told me what I need to fix in treatment!
Here is the link at the top of our board to the article: "Anosognosia and Getting our "Borderline" into Therapy"
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapyHere is an excerpt from the article:
If we want to help a loved one to get into therapy and, more importantly, to embrace the therapy, we need to "plug in" and understand both the perceptual filters that our loved one has, and their motivations. This generally requires a great deal of listening.
Studies show that there are three areas that are most productive for family members to focus on.
Building trust. Not blaming or not finding fault, but rather respecting our loved one's point of view, listening without telling them that they are wrong - especially regarding their point of view that they are not ill if that is their thinking. Amador says that family members and clinicians should listen carefully to the loved one's fears. "Empathy with the patient's frustrations and even the patient's delusional beliefs are also important", remarked Amador, who said that the phrase "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference.
Reinforcing the developing awareness. Reinforce the struggles that the loved one perceives as concerning. One of the most difficult things for family members to do is to limit discussions only to the problems that the loved one with the mental illness perceives as problems - not to try to convince them of others. Work with what you have. It is important to develop a partnership with the loved one around those things that can be agreed upon.
Our belief that the loved one will benefit from treatment. Our loved one may be happy with where they are and moving them from this position is as much art as it is science - and it may take time.
Very often when we say we want to help a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder, we mean that we want the loved one to stop being a burden to the family, and to better attend to our own needs and expectations.
Not good for us. If a loved one enters therapy or alters their behavior mostly to please us or out of fear that we will abandon them, are we helping them or are we being selfish and emotionally manipulating? If so, this is not the best starting point for healing and recovery - and even if successful in getting someone in - will likely see pushback in the form of passive aggressiveness and resentments.
Not good for them. Loved ones often see these efforts to help as threatening or condescending - even bullying.
"Very often when we say we want to help a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder, we mean that we want the loved one to stop being a burden to the family, and to better attend to our own needs and expectations."
This statement really catches me. When I am honest with myself, this is where I was when I arrived at bpdfamily in 2009. That I could 'fix' my DD if only I could get the right information and support. Then she would get how much I loved her and how much better her life would be by getting into therapy and participating in the family. I think this is called a delusion! It was so often about how she impacted me, the family, friends, neighborhood, gd, etc. I did believe that I was right and she was wrong. She was making all of us miserable. Well, she
was creating chaos daily.
I have gained some progress to replace this belief. In the past 18 months or so I have reached out for help with myself - in therapy, with my health, with my dh, in our neighborhood, in a new faith family... .
learning to listen instead of talking. OK, I love to talk - just look at how long my posts are! There is in me a great stubborn resistance to trusting - a great willfulness. As long as I believe I can make it all 'right' on my own (based on my ideas, beliefs, goals, values,etc.) then there is little progress. Actually I can make things so much worse in many ways. Worse for myself and everyone in my life with an emotional connection. Why did they all stick it out with me? Even DD in small ways by showing her appreciation of my help for her.
The adventure continues. Saturday I am picking DD up from her 9 months in jail. She has allowed me to make appointments for her to get connected to her T, her pdoc, get her meds., intake at the ARC (county addiction recovery center), and a job specialist. These are all resources through the mental health center coordinated through her T in the summer. The judge gave DD some furloughs to get connected with her T as part of her release plan.
This article has helped me to be patient with perseverance and remember what works and what doesn't as I support and encourage DD to continue tiny steps to change her life.
Where do you see yourself? Has this changed recently? What has helped with your transformation? How can we help you at bpdfamily?
qcr
