I think they'd accept anyone into their lives

[SpringInMyStep]

Seriously. This is part of why it's so hard for me. Now that I know about the BPD, I distrust the entire relationship, start to finish. I don't think it was real at all.

Knowing that they would accept anyone into their lives who is merely nice to them or gives them a little attention, I guess I feel like she never even liked/loved me for who I am. That doesn't feel super good. I mean I'm not "just anyone". I'm a good person. I think I'm pretty awesome, actually. 

In a recent unsolicited communication in which I told her to stop contacting me, she said she wouldn't "unless I contacted her first". Really? Why would she even want to be in contact with me after all that's happened?

I seriously feel that if I said "hey, let's get back together!", she would in a heartbeat.

That's just weird and sad and wrong.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Yup. i was with two BPDs. both of them idealized my looks.

My first BPD ex has dated very very unattractive ppl since me when i thought it was so important to her as much as she loved my looks and pretended to have high standards.

this ex isnt with anyone yet... but i gurantee it will be the same. they say whatever they need ti make us feel special. whatever works the best. it means nothing.

[divinehammer]

I've been feeling the same. When I looked back on her previous boyfriends, saw pics, heard descriptions, then thought about me, then thought about the guy I saw her with a week after breaking up with me... .there was no pattern. None of us had anything in common, with each other, or possibly with her. It was like anyone she struck up a conversation with whoever was affable enough to pursue it, and that was her next boyfriend.

[bungenstein]

Yup. i was with two BPDs. both of them idealized my looks.

My first BPD ex has dated very very unattractive ppl since me when i thought it was so important to her as much as she loved my looks and pretended to have high standards.

this ex isnt with anyone yet... but i gurantee it will be the same. they say whatever they need ti make us feel special. whatever works the best. it means nothing.

Would they idealise someones looks who clearly wasn't good looking, or some other aspect of them?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Yup. i was with two BPDs. both of them idealized my looks.

My first BPD ex has dated very very unattractive ppl since me when i thought it was so important to her as much as she loved my looks and pretended to have high standards.

this ex isnt with anyone yet... but i gurantee it will be the same. they say whatever they need ti make us feel special. whatever works the best. it means nothing.

Would they idealise someones looks who clearly wasn't good looking, or some other aspect of them?

thats a good question! i have noo idea! i think they pick out whatever the person has an issue with or their weaknesses. to hook them of course.

[SpringInMyStep]

Regarding attraction - they don't care about looks. I was in an open relationship and the other people she chose were random and not chosen for their looks at all. She explicitly told me that looks did not matter at all. I'm not unattractive, so this didn't feel so great to hear. I guess for me, attraction is the whole package which does include physical attraction.

I just have to remind myself that she was with me for the things I could do/buy for her. That is all. If she got any inkling that I might be useful to her again, I believe she'd have me back.

[bungenstein]

Regarding attraction - they don't care about looks. I was in an open relationship and the other people she chose were random and not chosen for their looks at all. She explicitly told me that looks did not matter at all. I'm not unattractive, so this didn't feel so great to hear. I guess for me, attraction is the whole package which does include physical attraction.

I just have to remind myself that she was with me for the things I could do/buy for her. That is all. If she got any inkling that I might be useful to her again, I believe she'd have me back.

Mine was exactly the same, she said she did not care about looks, and never dated anyone that attractive, but idealised my looks, and was pretty much the only thing she'd talk about, she said she I was the first person she'd gone out with that was on her level lookswise, all very confusing.

[Deeno02]

Yup. i was with two BPDs. both of them idealized my looks.

My first BPD ex has dated very very unattractive ppl since me when i thought it was so important to her as much as she loved my looks and pretended to have high standards.

this ex isnt with anyone yet... but i gurantee it will be the same. they say whatever they need ti make us feel special. whatever works the best. it means nothing.

Would they idealise someones looks who clearly wasn't good looking, or some other aspect of them?

Guess that would be me. Pretty average on the looks, pretty beat up from 26 years in the military, pretty sleeved in tattoos, no longer ripped like I was in the military, but have a great job and a super nice guy and gentlemen. Not from her socioeconomic background either. I think she was embarassed of me, hence not meeting alot of her friends or doing couples things. As if the r/s wasnt bad enough, I have to live with that too. I think thats why I was hooked.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Yup. i was with two BPDs. both of them idealized my looks.

My first BPD ex has dated very very unattractive ppl since me when i thought it was so important to her as much as she loved my looks and pretended to have high standards.

this ex isnt with anyone yet... but i gurantee it will be the same. they say whatever they need ti make us feel special. whatever works the best. it means nothing.

Would they idealise someones looks who clearly wasn't good looking, or some other aspect of them?

Guess that would be me. Pretty average on the looks, pretty beat up from 26 years in the military, pretty sleeved in tattoos, no longer ripped like I was in the military, but have a great job and a super nice guy and gentlemen. Not from her socioeconomic background either. I think she was embarassed of me, hence not meeting alot of her friends or doing couples things. As if the r/s wasnt bad enough, I have to live with that too. I think thats why I was hooked.

thats horrible! do u think you accepted bc you have low self worth?

there IS a chick out there who thinks youre hot!

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[RedDove]

Yes, I agree that they'll attach to anyone of the opposite sex that shows them the slightest interest or gives them attention. My ex BPDbf always told me that his "type" was an Irish red head with fair skin. Of course describing me to a T to idealize me. When I looked back at the women he had been with before me and the OW he cheated on me with, they are all used looking dirty blondes and very old and warn looking for their age.

As long as they perceive the person to be falling for their charms and spells, I don't think they have any standards whatsoever. The sad thing is I lowered my standards with my ex BPDbf. He lied about having his own place. His "place" was a trailer in the backyard of his childhood home. He made it sound like he had a good stable income, but (supposedly) gives 70% of his pay to his wife. Not ex, separated supposedly for 6 years! He said he loved to travel like me, but when I tried to make plans he was broke and not "up" to going. His car is literally a trash dumpster (disgustingly dirty and filled with trash) and he's proud of the fact it hit 200,000+ miles! He's an unstable mess and has nothing to offer, yet I fell for his idealization hook, line and sinker! Glad I'm out of it now.

His looks are fading now that he's over 50 and he has health issues due to the alcoholism. I imagine he will just latch onto someone/anyone in the next several uears just so he has a rescuer to take care of him as his health deteriorates in old age.

[Deeno02]

Yup. i was with two BPDs. both of them idealized my looks.

My first BPD ex has dated very very unattractive ppl since me when i thought it was so important to her as much as she loved my looks and pretended to have high standards.

this ex isnt with anyone yet... but i gurantee it will be the same. they say whatever they need ti make us feel special. whatever works the best. it means nothing.

Would they idealise someones looks who clearly wasn't good looking, or some other aspect of them?

Guess that would be me. Pretty average on the looks, pretty beat up from 26 years in the military, pretty sleeved in tattoos, no longer ripped like I was in the military, but have a great job and a super nice guy and gentlemen. Not from her socioeconomic background either. I think she was embarassed of me, hence not meeting alot of her friends or doing couples things. As if the r/s wasnt bad enough, I have to live with that too. I think thats why I was hooked.

thats horrible! do u think you accepted bc you have low self worth?

there IS a chick out there who thinks youre hot!

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

It does make sense. I didnt persue her because I thought she was out of my league. So, I was an easy mark. Guys she is with now is even worse looking than me. At least I have hair... .

[clydegriffith]

Agreed. The truth is that most of us would have never been in relationships with a BPD if they did not have BPD. We all replaced somebody and somebody replaced us.

My daughter's mother was very good at making a man feel special and wanted. The things she used to tell me she tells to everyone. At first i was angry, because if i did something like this i would be accused of being a "player" etc, etc but i came to realize that when she actually means it when she says it, to whoever. Looking at it logically, its proposterous that she could have been "so in love" with me or anyone else after just meeting them but to her it's real.  

[SpringInMyStep]

Also interesting is that mine focused on HER looks a lot. She had to always be the pretty one (we're both women and I AM pretty), thrived on attention from anyone, yet claimed looks didn't matter. More evidence that her entire persona was contrived due to the typical BPD's shaky sense of identity.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Also interesting is that mine focused on HER looks a lot. She had to always be the pretty one (we're both women and I AM pretty), thrived on attention from anyone, yet claimed looks didn't matter. More evidence that her entire persona was contrived due to the typical BPD's shaky sense of identity.

hmm i dunno my family only gave me attention for my looks.

so of course i have always taken care of myself and cared about the way i look... but looks truly are not number one for me in others.

its probably the same for her! she is probably slightly histrionic on top ofbit all!

i used to have a few traits. now i know why and i dont need attention for my looks.

but its ingrained in me since childhood so i still take care of myself

[bungenstein]

Also interesting is that mine focused on HER looks a lot. She had to always be the pretty one (we're both women and I AM pretty), thrived on attention from anyone, yet claimed looks didn't matter. More evidence that her entire persona was contrived due to the typical BPD's shaky sense of identity.

hmm i dunno my family only gave me attention for my looks.

so of course i have always taken care of myself and cared about the way i look... but looks truly are not number one for me in others.

its probably the same for her! she is probably slightly histrionic on top ofbit all!

i used to have a few traits. now i know why and i dont need attention for my looks.

but its ingrained in me since childhood so i still take care of myself

I think this is helping me understand why my ex played on my looks so much, I've always been called handsome or pretty boy thoughout my life, and I think I've developed a reliance on this, I think I would be highly depressed without it, and she tuned into that straight away.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Also interesting is that mine focused on HER looks a lot. She had to always be the pretty one (we're both women and I AM pretty), thrived on attention from anyone, yet claimed looks didn't matter. More evidence that her entire persona was contrived due to the typical BPD's shaky sense of identity.

hmm i dunno my family only gave me attention for my looks.

so of course i have always taken care of myself and cared about the way i look... but looks truly are not number one for me in others.

its probably the same for her! she is probably slightly histrionic on top ofbit all!

i used to have a few traits. now i know why and i dont need attention for my looks.

but its ingrained in me since childhood so i still take care of myself

I think this is helping me understand why my ex played on my looks so much, I've always been called handsome or pretty boy thoughout my life, and I think I've developed a reliance on this, I think I would be highly depressed without it, and she tuned into that straight away.

exactly! me too! we have talked about this before and i totally relate to you!

[bungenstein]

Haha yes we have, I think this is the first time I've finally worked out why my looks were literally all she would talk about! Her history of boyfriends had no lookers, she even admitted she didn't care, she never commented on anyones attractiveness, not once, not even brad pitt or someone like that.

Everyday I learn something new about this experience, it never ends.

[clydegriffith]

I agree with the title all be it i will go a bit further into it from my own experience.

The BPDx i was involved would, as you guys stated, let anyone into her life but in different ways.

Guys who she saw a potential for entrapping, typically good hearted  nice guys were taken to be her emotional caregaiver and to be the "boyfriend". When it came to finding someone for this category, nothing really mattered. So the victim is category #1.

Now, having a boyfriend and emotional caregiver was not enough for her. Even when we were together, she liked giving anyone that seemed even remotely interested in her the idea that we were "about to breakup", those guys, who were also potential replacements would stay around because they saw an opening. Potential replacement for victim is category #2


Lastly, there are the people she would let in her life simply to have sex with. These are people who she knew had no intention of being in a relationship with her because they were either in relationships themselves or just weren't the type to settle down or put up with her crap. That's category #3.

The only thing all categories have in common is that everyone was different. Of all the people i know she's been with there is no pattern of her having a certain "type" or anything like that. It's basically just anyone and she'll put you in one of those categories. And mind you she will court those that fall under 2 and 3 while " in a relationship" with 1 because she is never single.

[Blimblam]

What I found it boiled Down to with my ex was her Feeling accepted and valued. 

She gave that power away to other people. That was sort of the basis if her attachements. She would conform to what the other person expected of her. 

She was working for acceptance and approval. Connecting beyond that superficial level was what she wanted to achieve but once she had that she liked to keep it at a distance afraid to connect deeper. Once she finally opened up and connected deeper devaluing quickly followed.

[fred6]

Yup. i was with two BPDs. both of them idealized my looks.

My first BPD ex has dated very very unattractive ppl since me when i thought it was so important to her as much as she loved my looks and pretended to have high standards.

this ex isnt with anyone yet... but i gurantee it will be the same. they say whatever they need ti make us feel special. whatever works the best. it means nothing.

Would they idealise someones looks who clearly wasn't good looking, or some other aspect of them?

Guess that would be me. Pretty average on the looks, pretty beat up from 26 years in the military, pretty sleeved in tattoos, no longer ripped like I was in the military, but have a great job and a super nice guy and gentlemen. Not from her socioeconomic background either. I think she was embarassed of me, hence not meeting alot of her friends or doing couples things. As if the r/s wasnt bad enough, I have to live with that too. I think thats why I was hooked.

Hahaha, my ex would love you Deeno. She always said that she liked tatted up, bald headed shaved guys with nipple rings. She has 4 tats, a tramp stamp, nipple rings, and a belly button ring. However, I literally have none of that stuff. It just ain't my thing.

I have toyed with the idea of a small or medium tat on my shoulder or something. But nothing over the top. I've read that lots of pwPDs are all into the tats and piercings, I don't know how true that is though. My ex keeps talking about getting more tats too. For some people tattoos seem like an obsession or something. They can never have enough.

It makes me wonder why she was ever with me. I was the longest relationship that she's had in 10+ years. 3 years + 1 day to be exact. All of her other relationships in the past 10+ years have been either fcuk buddies that she keeps a secret or 4-6 month relationships. If she likes tatted up, bald, pierced guys. Just go get one. Why waste 3 years of my life?

I think the reason why she kept me around is because I was a sucker that didn't have boundaries and put her in her place and ditch her. That's why it's my fault though. Like the Tesla song "What a shame" says

I know you think you're always right, and just because, you've got God in your life

But he don't appreciate the way you lied, he can't believe how hard you tried

To take me down, to take it all, hanging around, and making sure I fall

Then say it was me to blame, and I was, for trusting someone like you anyways

In the end, I wasn't her thing as far as looks go. But then again, I was a nice guy. And where did I finish?

[SpringInMyStep]

The only thing all categories have in common is that everyone was different. Of all the people i know she's been with there is no pattern of her having a certain "type" or anything like that. It's basically just anyone and she'll put you in one of those categories. And mind you she will court those that fall under 2 and 3 while " in a relationship" with 1 because she is never single.

You're absolutely right. They have to have someone else lined up at all times. When my ex realized her new relationship was going south, she sent me an email telling me all about the situation and asking if we could be friends. I did not reply because a)I don't want to be friends with her and b)I knew that she was panicking at the thought of having no one at all and wanted to reel me back in.

[vortex of confusion]

I have always had a nagging feeling that my husband could plug pretty much anybody into my place. I thought it was me in all honesty. I figured that I was being one of those fickle, demanding females that was impossible to please because he wasn't doing anything to make me feel special. It is amazing how much I lowered my standards because I thought that I was the one with the problem.

It wasn't until I looked at the two relationships that I had before him that I realized that I wasn't really being demanding or crazy. In my other relationships from high school and college, there was something about how those guys interacted with me that let me know that they thought I was special. It showed in their actions, how they interacted with me, and the little bitty thoughtful things that they did. I had forgotten about that until we experimented with an open relationship. I was amazed that guys that I had just met could remember stuff I told them and knew what I liked. It was mind boggling. I am not proud of what I did at one point but it really helped me to see outside the fog. I was afraid that I was like that and would accept pretty much anyone. Nope, not the case for me at all. He is a different story entirely.

[Deeno02]

I have always had a nagging feeling that my husband could plug pretty much anybody into my place. I thought it was me in all honesty. I figured that I was being one of those fickle, demanding females that was impossible to please because he wasn't doing anything to make me feel special. It is amazing how much I lowered my standards because I thought that I was the one with the problem.

It wasn't until I looked at the two relationships that I had before him that I realized that I wasn't really being demanding or crazy. In my other relationships from high school and college, there was something about how those guys interacted with me that let me know that they thought I was special. It showed in their actions, how they interacted with me, and the little bitty thoughtful things that they did. I had forgotten about that until we experimented with an open relationship. I was amazed that guys that I had just met could remember stuff I told them and knew what I liked. It was mind boggling. I am not proud of what I did at one point but it really helped me to see outside the fog. I was afraid that I was like that and would accept pretty much anyone. Nope, not the case for me at all. He is a different story entirely.

My exBPDgf definitely could and did plug someone right in. Mere days and her kids are seeing another dude walking around her house. How disrespectful to her kids, and to me.