He finally gets diagnosed, and he leaves me for good...

[Ceruleanblue]

I've mostly always posted on the staying board. My husband I think most likely got diagnosed with BPD, but he won't really tell me. He said the psychiatrist said BPD, then he changed his story back to it being Intermittent Explosive Disorder. He said he's call the doctor's office back, to get the official diagnosis, but he says he "forgot".

He has threatened divorce for almost the entire nearly three years we've been married. It's been like psychological torture for me, and his therapist told him he needed to decide, and that it was unfair to me, and my kids. He'd agreed to give us one more try, mind you, I was the one having to "work" on things about me he didn't like, and I was. He even says he can see I was trying. Funny how these things were things that humiliated me. He enjoyed humiliating, and controlling me.

I gave, and gave some more. Compromised, and compromised some more. I fought for our marriage, and he just walks out? He painted me black, and no matter what I explained how I felt, my motives, or my truth is, he didn't believe me, or care. How do you deal with that. I used a lot of the tools I learned on here, but he just wanted out.

He says he needs to figure out what makes him happy, and he is really unhappy. I've been telling him that, I just didn't think it would mean I was the first to get the cut. His three grown daughters have hated on me, caused huge marital issues, and even refuse to let me around their kids... .all with no real reason. They clearly inherited whatever their Dad has, likely BPD, but could be other PD's too. My husband was physically abused by their Mom for years, so it's not like either of their parents were "normal". They all thrive on chaos, and being angry.

I should feel lucky to be out of all this, but I just feel sad, scared, and defeated. He used me up, and cast me aside. No gratitude for how long I stuck it out when most women would have run. Plus, he wants to screw me over in the divorce. Everything he promised, he's now backing out on. I have pictures of my bruises, and not long ago a neighbor saw him chasing me across the yard, then being physical with me. She tried to get me to call the police. I don't want to have a nasty divorce, but I have to have some help starting my life over, and he makes a super good salary.

I just can't believe this is happening. I took him back after I gave him the "break" he always wanted... .and I really didn't even want to. I feel for his lies, and now he dumps me like so much garbage? Any advice appreciated.

[going places]

One day, you will look back on this and say "Thank God it only lasted 3 years"... .

Don't try to make sense of it.

Don't try to reason this out in your head.

It will drive you mad.

Look at it logically, and factually.

You gave, he took.

It was a one way from the start.

Right now you feel sad, scared, defeated.

After a 25 year marriage... .I know what that feels like... .

BUT push thru.

Replace sad with facts, logic.

Replace scared, with hopes, dreams, your own passions to plan and pursue.

Replace defeated with a victory plan to follow and obtain YOUR life long dreams... .

Drop the nonsense you are in, as fast as you can and get on with living!

[maxen]

hi Ceruleanblue.

there are no words to express the emptiness that comes with this. i know, because what happened to you is what happened to me 16 months ago. so many of the terms you used in your post, i used too. you have all my sympathy.  

as soon as you are able to focus, you must get a lawyer, a good lawyer and preferably one who has experience in high-conflict divorces. can you start that process next week? i would not let this pass more than a few days. last year, my wife went from suggesting that we rent a power washer to clean the house, to blindsiding me, going into narcissistic derangement, and siccing a lawyer - in three weeks. don't let him steal a march on you. you don't want a nasty divorce but you must come into the mindframe that you may get one. this is the moment for you to see to your own interests.

do you have friends whom you can lean on now? this is the time for you to lean on them. do you have a therapist or counselor? please arrange an appt soon.

and go to our Family law, divorce and custody board. the longtimers are the best resource i can imagine. please go and post this over there when you come back to the board next time.

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm afraid the divorce will get ugly. He's written me off, and even though his ex who he put through university until she has her masters, walked away with $150,000, he wants to just write me off. Granted, they were married much longer, but he's left me an unstable mess, and I couldn't work right now if I wanted to. I am in therapy with two therapists(still have to choose with I like better), I've seen my husband's shrink and was given something for my panic attacks, and told that my depression truly is just situational. Heck, without breaking Hippa laws, he pretty much said that I'd probably be happier out of this situation, that I've "more than tried", and that only husband can work his issues(which of course I know).

I need to come out of this with enough to fix up my parent's basement to make it livable, which means a dropped ceiling, and flooring. My husband makes really good money, but he expects me to start over with nothing, and in the state I am now? I'm getting better, because I got in therapy a few months back, but his leaving has really put me back some. I'm devastated, scared, my panic attacks are now worse, and I now have to worry about even keeping a roof over our heads.

I'll go read up on the board you suggested. The worst of all this is that I feel totally cast aside, and I was the one who was trying hardest, and using radical acceptance of his disorder!