Seeking advice about contact

[parisian]

Broke up with my exBPDgf just over two months ago.

She wanted to stay friends, and I initiated NC two weeks after the b/u. Despite my request for NC, she has contacted me twice - once for a practical (but unnecessary) reason, and the second time she claimed I was accidentally on her email list.

I'm waxing between wanting to maintain NC, and wanting to be 'mature', otherwise she is likely to paint me black to joint people we know.

I contacted her by text and said once she returns from her holiday, perhaps we can catch up for a coffee. It's also her birthday while she is away.

My dilemma is I was the one who said let's catch up, and now I'm having second thoughts that it might not be the best thing to do.

Any suggestions on this? I could always just say something else has come up (looks lame), or be honest and say I've changed my mind about catching up and now would prefer not to. In saying that, I just look like I can't make a decision and stick to it, which essentially is what has happened. 

[maxen]

hi parisian 

Any suggestions on this? I could always just say something else has come up (looks lame), or be honest and say I've changed my mind about catching up and now would prefer not to. In saying that, I just look like I can't make a decision and stick to it, which essentially is what has happened. 

to whom would you look indecisive? would it matter? people change their minds all the time. you've reflected, and come to a different conclusion. i'm concerned that you're going to burden yourself further, either with excuse making, which will feel awful, or with embarrassment, about a thing for which you should feel no embarrassment. can you rehearse in your mind telling her that you've changed your decision? better to get it right than persist in what you think is a mistake.

[Raybo48]

My take on this is very simple.  If she's BPD and you exited the relationship because of the disorder and everything that comes a long with it why on earth would you want to be "friends" with someone like that?  It's almost a certainty that she won't treat you any differently than she did while you were in a rs.  If you don't have any ties to her like children I'd stay NC and be done. 

[parisian]

You're right, it doesn't matter about changing my mind. I'm not going to be burdened by that.

I don't want to be friends with someone that treated me that way. It was more to appease her desire to do so, of which I no longer have any obligation to meet. I think deep down she really does have some remorse, but entertaining the 'guise' of friendship is possibly just about making her feel better about what she did. I'm not sure what catching up would have really achieved anyway.

[fromheeltoheal]

It was more to appease her desire to do so, of which I no longer have any obligation to meet.

True, although do you still have a desire to appease her desires?  :)igging deep into that question, and considering how you were treated, can be very fruitful in your growth moving forward.  I don't know your story, but if you were treated badly, how did you make it OK in your head to let your desire to appease her take priority?

I think deep down she really does have some remorse, but entertaining the 'guise' of friendship is possibly just about making her feel better about what she did. I'm not sure what catching up would have really achieved anyway.

Deep down she probably has shame, common for borderlines, and you being willing to have a 'friendship' with her alleviates that shame, gives her behavior a pass.  Plus, borderlines are all about attachments, someone to merge with emotionally and psychically to feel whole, and if she's still got emotional hooks in you then an attachment is still in place, will make her feel better, and be somewhere she can turn for soothing if she needs it.  Best to decide what you really want, whether or not you could ever get it from her, and act accordingly.  Take care of you!

[myself]

You could tell her, "I don't want to be friends with someone that treated me that way. It was more to appease her your desire to do so, of which I no longer have any obligation to meet. I think deep down she you really does have some remorse, but entertaining the 'guise' of friendship is possibly just about making her you feel better about what she you did. I'm not sure what catching up would have really achieved anyway." That's a lot of honesty, though, and she probably wouldn't react well. If you need to say it, say it. If not, stay NC. Don't worry about doing this for her, do it for yourself.

[Infern0]

Contact in these situations just doesn't work,  and the "friends" thing especially doesn't.

I caved in after a while of NC and tried to be friends. She really wanted to and my mindset was no way would I get overly involved again and I was kind of glad she was with someone else so she wasn't my problem anymore.

Anyway after like one month of "friends" the fun and games began and I found myself breaking all my own boundaries again and going along for the ride. It doesn't end well because if you do a good enough job of being a friend they can reidealize you and then you are in big trouble

[Blimblam]

Well my thinking is it is more about us. We can't be friends because we have expectations with what we want out of the friendship. Our expectations are often at conflict with what our ex is willing to provide. Untill we have healed and let go of the hope for the fantasy of how we wanted the relationship to be then we can't be friends because we get hurt by their actions.  Until we are in a space where we don't get hurt by their actions. Then I don't really see friendship as an option.  Once we heal and we have propper boundaries in place to not get sucked into their drama then a kind of friendship is possible. Would we want it is a different story.

[parisian]

True, although do you still have a desire to appease her desires?  :)igging deep into that question, and considering how you were treated, can be very fruitful in your growth moving forward.  I don't know your story, but if you were treated badly, how did you make it OK in your head to let your desire to appease her take priority?

[/color]

For me, it doesn't feel like a desire to appease her desires, but more a personal value of mine, in wanting to exit in a dignified, civil and mature way. The other element of it is that if I don't appear to be mature and civil, she will likely use that to paint me black to joint friends.

The suggestion was also made to contact her and say: "I don't want to be friends with someone that treated me that way. It was more to appease your (her) desire to do so, of which I no longer have any obligation to meet. I think deep down you (she) really do have some remorse, but entertaining the 'guise' of friendship is possibly just about making (her) you feel better about what (she) you did. I'm not sure what catching up would have really achieved anyway." That's a lot of honesty, though, and she probably wouldn't react well. If you need to say it, say it. If not, stay NC. Don't worry about doing this for her, do it for yourself.(

If I were to say that, it would not go down well at all. There are some other recent topics I read about bridge burners vs recyclers. She has not been nasty or awful after we broke up (at least not that I know about anyway). Similar to our first recycle, when she was actually kinder and more polite to me than when we were in the relationship (yeah yeah, typical recycle, I get it  , she's been polite and mature again this time. If I were to respond like that suggested, I would feel bad about a lack of civility and maturity, even despite how she acted during the relationship. The issue for me I think is about how I withdraw while keeping my values intact AND avoid being recycled. She did say when I called it off 'you know there is no getting back together again', so I think she has done some therapy at some point is aware (if nothing else) of recycle risk.

I don't see my silence about not wanting friendship as fear - I made it clear before we broke up that her behaviour was not okay. Interested in other's thoughts on this?

Deep down she probably has shame, common for borderlines, and you being willing to have a 'friendship' with her alleviates that shame, gives her behavior a pass.  Plus, borderlines are all about attachments, someone to merge with emotionally and psychically to feel whole, and if she's still got emotional hooks in you then an attachment is still in place, will make her feel better, and be somewhere she can turn for soothing if she needs it.  

And as someone also said in another post: 'But my mere existence after the breakup seems like a trigger for her shame. I think deep down she knows how she's treated people and sabotaged relationships. I have to believe on some level, she knows it's highly dysfunctional.'

[/color]

I have no doubt she has shame and knowlege and self-awareness (even subconsciously), that what she did was awful and dysfunctional, and so she should. I agree the 'friendship' guise does let her off that. I'm happy to be friendly and civil, but not 'friends'. I expect that even if I offered the token 'friend' card, there will still be quite a strong shame element for her. After a one-night stand once she had coffee with the person the next day, and whilst this is of course speculation, that seemed to me to be out of her wanting to lessen her shame in that situation.

The decision is still whether or not I catch up with her. I am thinking I might just pass off our catching up as 'something else has come up and can't make it, perhaps some other time', and then leave it to (hopefully) fade a natural death. She is very high-functioning and I think would feel strongly rejected by that. It allows me to exit 'gracefully' so to speak.

I will likely end up being painted black anyway, regardless of what I do. I don't think there is much further chance for idealization again, but who knows. I don't intend to enter into her life, nor to have her remain in mine in any way ever again.

I do know that she has been in touch recently with her ex from her last long-term relationship, so I'm sure that will keep me black and her busy for at least the next few months anyway.