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Author Topic: Did your BPDex have strange friends? Or any friends?  (Read 2134 times)
divinehammer

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« on: November 14, 2014, 06:03:08 PM »

As I've mentioned, my ex was halfway waif, halfway hermit. She could somehow strike up and maintain pleasant conversation with any number of strangers, yet was a cynical hater in general. It was always mysterious to me how she had no real friends to talk to. A strange group of acquaintances who were all dysfunctional, drifter type characters who never revealed anything emotionally, but not "friends."

When she broke up with me multiple times and couldn't explain why, I asked if she'd talked to her girlfriends about her feelings or confided about whatever she was going through. She just stared blankly at me.
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« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2014, 06:17:05 PM »

Plenty of ritzy friends, hardly met any of them at all. God knows what she told them.
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behindme

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« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2014, 06:21:55 PM »

This was one of the early    I had about my uBPD exDIL. She didn't really have any friends.  The last time she spoke to her maid of honor was at the wedding; my son said she rarely socialized with any of her other young women she had as bridesmaids, whom I all found to be quite lovely - yet a year later, none of them even came to the baby shower I had for her.  The woman - who was about my age - who hosted their rehearsal dinner  was subsequently "painted black" and distanced. She had no friends from childhood or high school; her friends became my son's friends - actually there was only one real close one and she had PD of her own.  She definitely seemed to have an issue with other women - maybe perceived them as threat on some level.
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non_stuck

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« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2014, 06:45:34 PM »

The uBPD in my life was dating my BIL and moved in with him in less than a year. She has latched on to my MIL. I tried to warn my MIL about the   s, but she won't listen. MIL said, "I think she's lonely and needs a friend," implying that I should jump into that bottomless pit. I told her it's strange that she's lived in the city where she relocated two years before, goes to church, Meet Up, and several other clubs, always has a big smile on her face, and yet has no friends. I told her that I think one of the problems is that she's too aggressive when she tries to get to know people, and she tells people she just met all of her problems. A year after that conversation, to my knowledge the woman still has no friends. Her latest hobby is very social but 98% of the participants are male. That's a good strategy for attention seeking and the bonus of playing the victim if she is scolded or rejected by anyone in the group.

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hope2727
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« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2014, 06:53:15 PM »

Mine had kind of loser friends. Lots of women orbiters and a narcissistic best friend. Then some others here and there. He has currently taken my best friend with him in the breakup. Its the ultimate triangulation.

He was really negative about his friends saying terrible friends about them one minute but then ran off to play with them all the time leaving me behind. I feel like a total fool.

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non_stuck

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« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2014, 07:20:32 PM »

I hope that you take the feeling of foolishness and transform it to now-aware. Now, you are not ignoring the gut feeling you dismissed. That behavior with your friend is out of the BPD playbook.

I had a friend with it and we hit it off instantly, then the weirdness started. Then, she got demanding with my time. One day, her victim narrative got to be too much and I blew up at her. I really shouldn't have bottled up my feelings and blown like that. Then she retaliated by talking about me to our entire social circle who all decided that I was a b___.

I think the reasons friendships pull apart so quickly is that the instant intimacy and feeling of obligation can't be pressed as quickly in a platonic relationship unless the friend is co-dependant. The BPDs I know get to bed right away. Then the guy doesn't want to be a user and is flattered by the attention and feels responsible. In a friendship, there is no 0 to 60 jump like that. There is also not the currency of self-doubt. If you're dating, they can project a dim possible future, "Nobody is going to want you" or "You can't find anyone like me." If someone said to me, "You can't make friends!" I can say "I've had some of the same friends for 40 years. I already have friends." So the sad maladaptive script doesn't work.
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behindme

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« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2014, 10:20:23 PM »

her friends became my son's friends - actually there was only one real close one and she had PD of her own. She definitely seemed to have an issue with other women - maybe perceived them as threat on some level.

I had meant to write that MY SON'S FRIENDS became her friends, not the other way around and one of those women became a friend of hers but that young woman seemed to have a PD of her own.

This made me think of a man I'd known previously - a former friend who caused me to first learn of this condition - as he had several female friends and basically one male friend. He'd had another but cut him off after a ridiculous perceived infraction. So I wonder if there is something that makes same-sex friendships more challenging, not that two subjects can make for such a broad generalization.
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CareTaker
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« Reply #7 on: November 14, 2014, 10:54:34 PM »

Excerpt
goes to church, Meet Up, and several other clubs, always has a big smile on her face, and yet has no friends.

Mine had a good friend when I met her. But the friendship died completely. The friend deleted her on FB, and blocked her calls. Also never answered her mail. I don't know why?

She made a new friend. Geez, what a weird couple. The guy is 50 and the girl is 30. He thinks he is a Rastafarian, and has no direction in life. The friendship didn't last too long. My ex broke it because her friend said something about her behind her back. Then for about a year she had no friends. Then her last friend was recycled.

It was about that time that I packed my bags and left.

Interestingly, she needed me to take pics of her where ever we went. These pics where posted on FB, for all her toy boys to tell her how beautiful she is. Friends from all over the world. Like her mind, her friends exists in this virtual reality environment.

Before I did a google search on "girlfriend with very bad mood", I was thought that all the dysfunctional relationships in her life had taken it's toll. Therefore the way she reacts, and her very rude and personal attacks when we have a fight. Her bitterness is scary. Yet once I stumbled across BPD, I realized I was playing with fire, was addicted not in love, and I am no longer that same person I was 3 years ago. I lost ME.

Thank God I packed my bags and left, and never gave her that baby she so desperately wanted. Two months out, and I am feeling better by the day.
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Pingo
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« Reply #8 on: November 14, 2014, 11:04:22 PM »

When I met my ex, he didn't have any close friends except for his family in another province.  I did wonder about it at the time but since I'm a bit of an introvert we fit well together (I thought).  He did become friends with a guy part way through our r/s as they had a lot in common.  What was interesting since we split is the realisation (now that I have become educated in personality disorders, something I had never even heard of really before our BU) that my mom is likely BPD or many traits.  And she never had close friends except for one who died when I was very young.  She never seemed to trust anyone.  She'd get invited to get togethers but would come home and have nothing nice to say about these ladies.  She just couldn't open up maybe.  I see so much of my her in my ex.  This is typical as I have learned.  Neither one of them has anything nice to say about anyone and if you cross them you are sorry!
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« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2014, 12:15:20 AM »

My exgf seems to destroy every close friendship she has. Since we started our relationship 6 years ago she has had 3 different bffs. Also her current "bestie" had introduced her to a gf of hers and the 3 of them became super close and then poof! New friend painted black and banished from her life in a bizarre manner. She has almost gotten rid of the current bff on 2 occasions that I know of and I think she may have if it wasn't for the fact that she takes her daughter to school for her. She needs (selfishly) her.
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Raybo48
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« Reply #10 on: November 15, 2014, 12:18:03 AM »

My BPDxgf had one high school friend she almost never talked to and one other close friend that I always said was by far the most normal friend she had.  ALL the others were "friends" she developed from AA or other recovery centers that she would drag into her life.  They would ultimately use her, increase her chaos and drama 10 fold and exit as suddenly as they entered.  

As for other friends both my ex and her sister have a TON of guy friends, which I later realized was a HUGE    for many reasons, which include N-supply and affairs.
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Earthbayne
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« Reply #11 on: November 15, 2014, 11:15:14 AM »

It's funny because my ex had a TON of friends but the more I came to know them, the more I realized a LOT was wrong with MOST of them:

- Her best friend was in an emotionally abusive relationship. This I knew as FACT and witnessed it.

- One of her other friends was a female that was on and off with a boyfriend that cheated on her weekly.

- Another of her friends was being physically abused by an ex, and the girl kept going back to him.

- She had a male orbiter that had her on the highest of pedestals, but he wasn't her type. After getting to know him, I'm GLAD, dude is a decent guy.

- All of her male "acquaintances" were guys she asked favors for in the past and once they had helped her out and were charmed to her seductive ways, she'd paint them black.

- She knew a couple who she thought were "good people" but were highly "critical" of her life.


The only normal relationship she had was with a female friend and her husband, who I used to love hanging out with. Funny because once I made that known to her, those two people were who we spent our time with whenever we didn't spend it alone.

But the majority of her relationships with females? Just a bunch of women that belonged in a support group.
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Bak86
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« Reply #12 on: November 15, 2014, 12:45:38 PM »

She had a lot of male friends, because she couldnt really get along with other women. I always saw this as a red flag. She has a one close female friend, never met her, but the stories my ex told about her made me think she was a nutjob as well. She was also close with a female coworker. Coworker was a sweet girl, i liked hanging out with, but she also was a bit off. Shes been in a mental hospital, is 36 or something, but acts like an 18 year old.

I think most of her friends are enablers
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Deeno02
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« Reply #13 on: November 15, 2014, 12:57:32 PM »

She had a lot of male friends, because she couldnt really get along with other women. I always saw this as a red flag. She has a one close female friend, never met her, but the stories my ex told about her made me think she was a nutjob as well. She was also close with a female coworker. Coworker was a sweet girl, i liked hanging out with, but she also was a bit off. Shes been in a mental hospital, is 36 or something, but acts like an 18 year old.

I think most of her friends are enablers

Wow, mine always said she preferred to be around guys in HS and college cuz girls were to catty. Prefers coaching boys over girls in volleyball. Her friends are all rich fu*kers with their own issues. Barely met them during the relationship.
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Earthbayne
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« Reply #14 on: November 15, 2014, 01:19:34 PM »

This thread actually made me realize that my ex... .all of her friends were friends from the last 2-3 years and people who really didn't know THAT much in depth about her.

As I went down that list, it's people from her gym, ex-coworkers, etc, etc... .

Only ONE of her friends is from past 2-3 years. That's crazy. She lives in her hometown. And she has no communication with high-school and college people from her past.

All the people that are her friends are people with minimal contact with her. She gets along with females but I think her conversations with those people are more about them and their problems than about her and what's going on with her.

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peiper
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« Reply #15 on: November 15, 2014, 01:34:56 PM »

Mine had one friend that lives a thousand miles away and she talks to maybe once every four or five miles months.  Lots of acquaintances. She is pretty close to her family, which after being around them I could tell the dynamic was different.  She has them buffaloed.  I always thought it strange her lack of friends.
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camuse
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« Reply #16 on: November 15, 2014, 01:39:09 PM »

Mine had no real friends, she'd meet someone and like them a lot, then hate them forever for no reason. She had "friends" in another city but never saw them, but said how amazing they were. I invited them to spend a weekend with us once, and none of them even knew who I was, and none came. Lack of real friends seems a running theme.
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RedDove
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« Reply #17 on: November 15, 2014, 01:53:33 PM »

Well it makes sense, right? One of the key signs/criteria of BPD is unstable relationships. That includes friendships and romantic relationships.

My ex BPDbf only introduced me to one friend, his best friend (BFF) and one of the only long time friends I was ever aware of. Interestingly enough they were brother in-laws, they married two sisters. His BFF had an affair on his wife. Weird thing is, I didn't kmow when I first met the BFF's girlfriend. She was very kind to me. But, I always suspected they were hiding secrets about my ex BPDbf from me.

One weekend during the idealization phase we all went camping and had many drinks. My ex's BFF let it slip "Oh yea, ex BPDbf and all his women! Lol!" his GF quickly tried to correct it saying, "BFF, RedDove is the only woman in ex BPD BFF's life!" I knew she was covering and lying, but I chose to ignore it.

After I ended the encounter with my ex BPDbf, his BFF's GF contacted me on Facebook. She had ended it with the BFF due to his cheating. She told me she was glad I left my ex BPDbf, that he was a two timer, cheater and his BFF told her the ex BPDbf "never" tells the truth. She had no idea I found out at the end that my ex suffered from BPD. I didn't share it with her, just in case she was still in touch with her ex BF and it got back to my ex BPDbf.

I feel this is "exactly" the reason why my ex kept me away from any friends, co-workers, or family members. The stories and truth would come out and then the deceit and lies would surface. My ex BPD could not and would not risk that happening. I would have seen who he really was behind the mask.
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Infared
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« Reply #18 on: November 15, 2014, 01:55:49 PM »

I had a friend with it and we hit it off instantly, then the weirdness started. Then, she got demanding with my time. One day, her victim narrative got to be too much and I blew up at her. I really shouldn't have bottled up my feelings and blown like that. Then she retaliated by talking about me to our entire social circle who all decided that I was a b___.

Yeah... she plays victim to you and then played victim for your whole social circle. Mine played victim to me, to her parents, to her step parents, her T and no doubt to my replacement. ... .and you know what... .it works real well for her... .so I don't see it stopping any time soon.

f

Friends... .she had one good friend (as in: she was a good person... .not that they were close.

I liked the woman, but they definitely never talked because 6 months after she ran off with her new supply her friend called the house and asked to speak to her. I told her what  had happened?

She had another friend that had major issue that I always tried to include and talk to, to no avail... .she was just kind of miserable... .

It was all very telling early on... .but I fell for the cute victim.
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Zpinal

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« Reply #19 on: November 15, 2014, 02:03:13 PM »

Mine social network was mainly her AA meetings. She had a couple of «close» friends but she painted one black after she dumped me because that women kept talking to me, my ex wrote a letter telling her she was upset that her «best friend» did that to her (all the friend did was staying friend with me, talking and having an occasional drink together). My friendship with that women has nothing to do with my ex. After that event, she blocked ME on FB but I was rarely looking at her page in the first place. She also deleted her «best friend» from FB, very childish.

Lately my ex has been trying to get her friend back, wrote a couple letters to apologize but the way i see it, my ex doesn't see the big picture, her apologies letters all revolve around her and not the way she makes people feel and what to do about it. My friend got tired to be used by my ex as reasons for everything and no longer wanted to be involved in my ex's schemes and lies. She rarely sees her friends anyway, in her family I've noticed when I was with her that only a select few talk to her, the rest are either painted black or just plain dont want to speak with my ex. Looking back now, I can classify my ex as a low functioning waif, made up excuses to not work and exaggerating an injury to get compensation. She is also doing a lot of projection, nothing is her fault, resist treatments for her BPD but is taking pills for her bipolar disorder, however the dosage is quite high, about 700mg of seroquel per day (FDA max is 800). The normal person would take 25mg of that sh!t and be knocked on his a$$. Her health is failing, she smokes like a chimney and cough deep, she told me that last year she had a spot on her lung, the doc wanted to do a biopsy and she refused, Its totally irresponsible. Even her own son is sick and tired of her ways of life, but at 20 hes a smart kid and will make his way much better than his mom did.

She is now dating another AA loser and moved in with him in some sh!thole of a town the same week. I wish them well.
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Dutched
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« Reply #20 on: November 15, 2014, 02:08:50 PM »

Sometimes pwBPD are able to sustain a real friendship, originated mostly during their youth. 

A pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships is part of the disorder.

Boxed thinking: a new person is all good, later when cracks appear for pwBPD the devaluation starts.

In order to protect themselves a safe distance is needed, but where is the Border…

Dumped friends (split black) can be (easily) befriended again, as if nothing happened before, then mainly out of need ( a victim to be rescued even)

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clydegriffith
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« Reply #21 on: November 15, 2014, 03:15:53 PM »

The BPDx didn't really have many friends. She had one close friend from her childhood and that's about it. Most of her "friends' where guys with white knight syndrome who she was sleeping with.
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Panda39
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« Reply #22 on: November 15, 2014, 03:18:48 PM »

This is from another thread I was posting on a while back but fits here too... .

My SO's uBPDxw and her friendships if you can all it that?

The only people she seems to be able to have long term relationships with are other dysfunctional people or people that want something from her that are all in co-dependent relationships with her... .the friend that thrives on all the drama (and has a car and will chauffeur her around), the brain damaged friend (divorce attorney that isn't her attorney but knows the judge) (literally - had a brain tumor removed), the alcoholic friend (free child care  for the youngest sometimes in the summer  ), the religious friend that wants to convert her (has a couch she can sleep on).

It's more the mutual using society.  It's never hey I like you lets hang out... .It's more like this person seems to like me what can I get from them.  Sick 

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« Reply #23 on: November 15, 2014, 05:09:17 PM »

My ex had friends and easily made guy friends Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

She would complain she had no friends. She would use her sexuality to attract guy friends.  What I realized is she just didn't want to be alone so she would fall back on her ability to attract guys because she wanted friends and to be accepted so badly. She would complain about how guys only want one thing.  So she felt shame and despair from having to resort to seducusimg to have friends.

She was striving for genuine connection.
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Climbmountains91
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« Reply #24 on: November 15, 2014, 05:20:02 PM »

I read everyone else's story's on here not having many friends and then i look at my exBPDbf and he has loads of friends that seem to be right up his a@#. That's because their newbies and in the idealization stage? I've heard his got feelings for one and she has a boyfriend and exBPD is very good friends with the boyfriend but I don't know how true that is. I find them all a bit weird to be honest, they all seem very geeky and are all into fetish's to the point they all meet up every Wednesday at the pub to talk about it, they even go to another place and some people there are wearing nappies, lapdancing etc... .There all on a fetish site. BPD only uses it as an excuse to go to the pub apparently. I'm all up for individuality and being unique and were all human and we all have that secret fetish but they just all seem a bit weird to me. Some of his friends go round to each-others houses and have sex with each other its like a massive sex cult Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)! I've tried to make friends with one of the girls shes engaged but she just wants to get in my knickers every time we have meet up and is quiet when shes not drunk. He knows how to make them all laugh as well, i envy that, he does know how to keep them latched in and he is quite funny. He has one normal friend that i'm good friends with.
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Earthbayne
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« Reply #25 on: November 15, 2014, 05:22:43 PM »

She would use her sexuality to attract guy friends. 

That's my ex. She showed me a text message from a co-worker who was doing some handi-work around her place (he did this before we were together - but the message was while we were together) and he said he just wanted to see her smile the way she would whenever she asked him for a favor.

In hindsight, it's mind-blowing how that works.
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Raybo48
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« Reply #26 on: November 15, 2014, 05:39:15 PM »

The BPDx didn't really have many friends. She had one close friend from her childhood and that's about it. Most of her "friends' where guys with white knight syndrome who she was sleeping with.

Exactly the same with my BPDxgf. 
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« Reply #27 on: November 16, 2014, 09:10:20 PM »

I have been in the same friendship group with my ex for about ten years.she sees them as her "closest" friends but in the aftermath of her finding a replacement and lying to them about it, our friends told me that they have never seen her as a close friend at all, they are more like "legacy" friends and they have always found her childish and a compulsive liar. They have also been betrayed and lied to by her over the past decade.

Aside from them, I found it odd that she had no close friends and her friends from school all had dropped away. I actually encouraged her to hang out with her workmates, which eventually led to her spending a lot of time with my new replacement who she began having an emotional affair with. I was naive to think someone who had very few close friends could have q platonic friendship with a male.

As our friends rallied around me durin the BU, my ex claimed that I was making them "take sides", telling me she was the victim completely unaware of the true nature of her 'friendship' with these people ie they were never close and distrusted her a lot.

Her only other friend is a girl she has nothing in common with and also has few friends, whom she constantly belittled but when we broke up she spent a lot of time with. After reading this forum i realize this artificial friendship might have been  her way of finding platonic supply.

Is my description of my ex friendships soenthing that other people have experienced with their d,BPD ?
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« Reply #28 on: November 16, 2014, 10:48:30 PM »

My uBPDh has no friends... He'll tell you he has one... But after years of witnessing the relationship dynamics between this guy and my h, this person is not really a close friend... .They've just known each other for quite some time.
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