Repairing your life

[bubblegirl]

Hello, this is my first post.  I've been coming here for awhile, slowly learning how to deal with things. For a while now I thought my SIL was uBPD, but events of the last few weeks have really opened my eyes to the full extent of it.  I'm trying to come out of the FOG, but she has a uBPD mother so I have to admit I'm fearful she could here, find me out, and use my posts against me.

A little background before I get to my questions. My brother & uBPD SIL live nearby so they know a lot of the people in my community,  at my kids' school, and my friends. I fell into some traps this year, thinking she was working on herself and finally starting to open herself up to trusting me, so I naively started telling her personal stuff.  I noticed when school started that several parents I've been friendly with for years were being more distant.  Then my best friend started doing the same thing. She'd give me vague responses when I asked about her life. I chalked it up to stress because she's had a lot on her plate. I spent much of October feeling very confused and alone, and of course that fed into feeling close to SIL, since my other relationships were not going well.

Things turned when SIL finally went too far. She told some major, life ruining lies about a respected person in our neighborhood.  The stories didnt make sense, which the police agreed about (yes, SIL called them!) and SIL blew up at me for not supporting her fake story during the investigation. Then she retreated (going back to the Hermit) and is refusing to speak with me.  My best friend suddenly was acting nomal to me again, and 2 weeks ago admitted that she'd been getting close to SIL since the summer,  and the entire time SIL was telling her the "truth" about me, feeding her all sorts of truly mean lies about me. My best friend and I have realized that it's why moms at the school are also backing away from me. I do think that SIL believes all these stories,  because she has always had a very different take on everything, which rarely seems to match up with reality.

It makes me feel slightly paranoid that SIL is targeting me this much, but I think I've always been her target.  All of her memories about us are twisted or just made-up. She's an expert at double-binds: if I try to help her, it proves I'm always trying to control her & set her up. If I dont help her, it proves I only care about myself & can't be trusted. No matter what I do, I am evil and she's the victim.

So... .my questions.

1. The holidays are coming up and I'm trying to figure out how to deal with them. If she's in full Hermit mode, she may not even come. No contact isn't an option,  because I know we'll see them soon enough.  I think MC would be the best approach in my situation, but how do you start it? I am worried about facing her after her most recent blow up and that being calm & neutral will anger her and make her want to hurt me again. Does MC work when you're the target? Do people with BPD ever see it as a rejection?

2. It really angers me that people in my community and the local school think who knows what terrible things about me now that she's been making up stories about me. If you've been the target of malicious lies like this, how did you bear it and repair the relationships?

[clljhns]

Hi bubblegirl,

Your post sounds so very familiar. I have been painted black by several PD's that I have encountered in my FOO and in my workplace.

Does MC work when you're the target? Do people with BPD ever see it as a rejection?

I think all BPD's perceptions are quite distorted, so would she feel rejected? She probably will. It will only provide evidence that she is the victim. I can just hear what my uBPDmom would say in this situation. "After everything I have done for her, this is how she treats me." BPD's typically don't take responsibility for their actions, and frequently paint the other person black to make themselves the victim.

What would MC look like for you? Would you call, send a card, text? I am curious, because I am wondering if you could just follow protocol, send a card wishing them all a happy holiday. Would this be a norm in your family?

. It really angers me that people in my community and the local school think who knows what terrible things about me now that she's been making up stories about me. If you've been the target of malicious lies like this, how did you bear it and repair the relationships?

One of the most destructive things about a BPD is their ability to sound so believable. I went through a situation at a church I attended for many years. I was asked to be the youth director, and was happy to do so. The past director, after a year, wanted to return as the director. I invited her to share the position with me, as I was very happy in the position. This was not an option for her. She went to every parent and told them that I hated their kids. One parent came to me and reported this because she knew this wasn't true and wanted me to be aware. This woman went so far as to spread lies on a close friend. It became clear that my friend and I were her targets and the damage was done. What was so hard to understand was that so many people refused to stop her in her tracks when she would spread these lies. My relationships with most of the people that I had attended church with for many years was damaged temporarily. I left the church and found that, while I could enjoy the company of some of the same people in other social situations, I really didn't want them to be close associations if they were willing to listen to someone malign me and my friend.

I don't know that I have an answer to your question. Just a similar situation, so I can relate. I wonder if some of these parents who have distanced themselves from you is more about their feeling of uncomfortableness knowing that your SIL spread some private business, whether it is true or not. It could be that they just don't want to be involved in any way. Not that you have done anything wrong, but perhaps their "distance" is really them feeling "uncomfortable."

If you do decide to go MC, you might want to read the article on communication skills: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation.

Let us know how things go! Wishing you all the best!

Peace and blessings. 

[bubblegirl]

Thank you for the welcome!

I think all BPD's perceptions are quite distorted, so would she feel rejected? She probably will. It will only provide evidence that she is the victim. I can just hear what my uBPDmom would say in this situation. "After everything I have done for her, this is how she treats me." BPD's typically don't take responsibility for their actions, and frequently paint the other person black to make themselves the victim.

You are SO right on with this.  I think I'm still learning to let go of my fears of hurting her feelings.  I've spent the last almost 15 years now since she met my brother dancing on eggshells around her.  Although I know that it doesn't matter what I do because she'll take offense, I can't seem to stop myself taking on that burden.  I guess I need to continue to work on letting go of that.  If she takes what I do the wrong way, that is not on me.  I'm a very caring person and that is normally valued by my friends, but with her it seems to make me an easy target for manipulation.

I am so sorry to hear what happened to you at your church. I really relate to the fact that you were doing something altruistic and were painted black despite that.

You're also right about the pwBPD's ability to be believable. I think SIL just speaks with such authority that people believe her. At least for awhile.  I've managed to talk to one person at my kids' school last week and got confirmation that my SIL did in fact tell her bad things about me, which made her want to keep her distance. There are 3 or 4 others that I think I'm going to just have to be acquaintances with and hope that someday they will see my consistency and that I'm not whatever SIL says I am. I will hold onto the hope that they might just be uncomfortable about the whole thing. You don't want to sound like the crazy, dramatic one by telling people someone's making up lies about you! I have purposefully remained in the dark about the exact lies because I just don't want to know. It would only make me upset, I"m sure.

Thank you also for the link. For the holidays we always meet at my parents' house with both of my brothers. SIL usually comes there because her relationship is very rocky with her own uBPD mom. Right now she's on NC with her mom (I think because of the police incident, I'm not sure since SIL isn't really talking to me either), so I'm not sure if she's going to show up or not. I'm going to try to minimize the time we're there, like maybe just for Thanksgiving & Christmas dinner, so I don't have to be around her too much. I don't want my kids to miss holidays with their grandparents just because of her!

[clljhns]

Hi bubblegirl,

You sound much more positive in this post! I am glad to hear that you have come up with a plan for the holidays. Very smart on your part to set the boundaries. Speaking of boundaries, there is a wonderful article at: https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries.

You are so right to just be yourself. Keep up the good work!

Peace and blessings. 

[funfunctional]

Hi,

It is called "slander".    Really is unfair she is doing this to you.    Anyway can you relocate family?   

My BPD MIL made sure to spread gossip about me when I first moved into a new community.  My husband will never forgive her for the pain she caused us.  NC over 3 years.  I was innocent to it all.   Like a deer in headlights.  Never knew people were capable of such MEANESS.   

You can't stop her from bad mouthing and it's not like you can really ask people "what did she say?".    If people choose to believe gossip that really is their issue.  Many people may entertain the gossip but do they REALLY believe it.  Most likely not.     

Don't give any more power to her nonsense  Honestly,  I think the "gossip" did hurt me in trying to make new friends.   The more it bothered me and I tried to scramble for self-protection it just made it worse.   I think removing yourself from it may be best.    Act who YOU are and say who YOU are when you meet people. Smile & just be happy.     

I live in a community of a lot of "phony bolognes".   Just have to find your own circles AWAY from SIL.

[bubblegirl]

clljhns, thank you for your words of support!

funfunctional, yes, it is just MEAN and slanderous. There's no justice. I'm trying to keep perspective on it and remember that it's not personal, it's just her illness.  Sometimes remembering that does help.  We aren't willing to move, as we live close to our parents, have an amazing school, and lots of true friends for both us and my kids.  I think what you said about building new circles away from her is the key.  Why let her run me out of a great situation? I'm reclaiming my own life from the mess she has created around her.


Today has been challenging.  Apparently, now that I've backed off and stopped contacting her and reacting to her drama, she's moved on to other people to get them riled up instead. Now I'm watching other family members have to deal with it. She doesn't have any real reason to upset them, so she's making stuff up. It makes no sense at all. When I heard about it I was angry, and then I started laughing because all of her claims are so ridiculous. I went out for my birthday during the week with my husband and kids and then that weekend had a get together with friends, but she's mad that I only invited her to ONE, not BOTH dinners. And that was over 2 months ago! Just silly stuff like that, aimed at me and other family members. She's really reaching, trying to dig SOMETHING up because she's not getting the reaction she was looking for from me. What else can I do but laugh it off at this point. Getting upset won't make it better, because I can't change it or reason with her.  I'm trying to focus on teaching my family about some of the information and coping tools I've learned here.  It feels like SIL has the family in a tornado and unless we ALL stop the pattern, she's just going to keep spinning us around.

[goingtostopthis]

        It's like learning the hard way and then being slapped in the face. 

                                                                    My sister was being abusive to me when she helped me to move from one state to another.  When I finally got to where I am now I was in total shock.  I thought it would end with her but she just got worse and worse. I,  not having anyone else to talk to about this confided to my mother what she was doing. I was so unbelievably distraught. My mother had me believing that I had her confidence and would work with me in dealing with my sister.  The whole time I came to find out that my mother was telling my sister word for word everything that I had been saying from the very beginning. It started to make sense why my sister was getting more and more abusive and I was becoming more and more confused and distraught. My mother eventually turned on me and sided with my sister and told me everything I had said about her was stuff I was just making up because "I" was trying to split up the family.   She took No responsibility for what she had been doing behind my back.  None what so ever! When in fact what my mother was doing was splitting all of us up as a family.

                   I dont know what her problem is, or my sister's problem for that matter. But taking no responsibility for what had been happening and acusing me of needing therapy because "I" was the one with the problem showed me that if anyone has some kind of psychiatric problem  it was her.  Some kind of BPD lose wiring problem I'd say and boy did I learn from that.  She just does stuff like this with out thinking , I guess because her life is so non eventful and unfun that the only sourse of entertainment is to gossip shete and judgements to my sister, and back and forth they go together until they create all this drama, and that's being nice.  They put me through hell back then. The two of them together can get to be absolutely insane. The truth is they dont know their heads from their butts. Getting this through my head has helped a lot because it's helped me to detach from them on this level and learn to take myself by the hand and walk away emotionally. As the saying goes"  Not my circus, not my monkeys. 

                                       I think that anyone who knows you and who truely are your friend will know the truth. You know now, you can never trust your sister. What she did was horrible and she most likley will never see just how horrible her behavior has been. People who do this stuff refuse to look at themselves, like my mother. They cant, it collides too much with who they think they are, which is messed up because they are messed up. They basically only think of themselves in every situation and count out anything that possibly makes them look like a bad person. Very BPD I know,  the traits are their with my sister and mom and it comes out the most when they group together. It's very wierd.  Irrational, selfish, distorted thinking, rages, being the victim, and splitting which my mom has done two times so far.  Im learning now to move on from this and to keep from reacting to their displays of meaness and provoking comments of putting me down or underminding me. Its taken me a long time to get what thats about, my reaction which empowers them. In the end I know with all this knowledge Im learning, through the pain I have to learn and in the end I will be the one empowered because of this.    These episodes of theirs are going to become less and less because they are no longer going to be getting the response they are hoping for.