Emotionally weak

[tristesse]

So anybody that knows my story, knows my DD is a low functioning BPD  with a host of other issues, PTSD, ADD, spinal stenosis, macular degeneration, etc. etc. etc.

She had been doing alright, not great, but better. We had been getting along, I had been effectively communicating, and we had some semblance of peace in my home. Until Friday, She was upset on Friday. She had been out with her son and his father, my GS was supposed to go to his dads Friday night, but they came back arguing, so she refused to let him go. She was upset and mean to everybody. I tried to talk to her and she made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me, so I left her alone.

Saturday she had a birthday party to go to, she took her son, and is father and they all went to this party, it appeared to have been a good time, they played laser tag and just had fun. She was not so fun once she got home though. It was snowing and we had slippery roads and it was a little harrowing. I left her alone again.

Yesterday we had plans to go to the storage facility and retrieve her Christmas decorations and a few incidentals, this was a disaster, and I handled the entire thing wrong.

She started off by saying she wanted to go later in the day than we had planned, I informed her that I had planned other stuff for the later part of the day, so she was immediately angry. I told her I would rearrange what I could and that would give her about 2 more hours, she said she only needed 20 minutes. I said WHATEVER, and walked away... .that was the first mistake I made.

She finally said she was ready to go, so I put on my coat and got my GS ready to go, several minutes go by and we are bundled up and waiting while she is frantically searching for her gloves, I offered her a pair of mine, but she wanted hers, so we stood and waited bundled for the cold. pretty soon she said, why are you staring at me?

I responded with, don't flatter yourself, you aren't so attractive that I want to stare at you. AND, here is mistake number 2, and it was rude and unnecessary for me to say.

I was badgered and harassed all the way to storage and all the way back, she called me every single foul word she could think of. I tried to maintain control, after all, this was my fault. so I remained calm.

Once home we unloaded the car and we were supposed to go buy snow boots for my GS, I was paying since she has no income , but I told her she had to stop talking to me like that or I wouldn't take her. She did  not stop and would not let me take GS without her. I tried several times to get her to stop with the vulgarity, but she was a lost cause, too far gone by this point.  She carried this on into the night last night, refusing to calm down and have a rational conversation with anybody, she yelled and raged and yelled some more. She threw two  baking stones and shattered them on the kitchen floor, and didn't even seem phased. Meanwhile GS is being made to stay in his room, and when he did come out he raged and acted out also. I tried to get her to calm down for his sake, and she told me to not worry about him, not even act like I cared about him.

so hours and hours of crazy yesterday and last night. My absence from the house did not help, it made her more anxious,  I totally blew it. I tried again this morning, I even told her to get GS ready and I would take them to Walmart before school started and we could get him some snow boots, she refused and started raging again, telling me I can't fix my guilty conscience now, she would walk him the 3 blocks to school in this 9 degree weather and I should feel bad that he will have cold and wet feet. etc. etc. and of course I will worry about that, he's only 5 and none of this is his fault.

She keeps screaming that she matters that her feelings matter and that she is tired of being treated as less than human. Everything I said or did made her more angry. I left for work today in tears, I have no strength for this emotional roller coaster, and my guilt is huge. I feel hopeless, and sad.

My greatest wish in life would be that my DD find peace and happiness in her life. My greatest fear in life, is that she never will. my heart is broken.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hi Tristesse 

This is a very honest account of your interaction with your daughter and I think if we are honest many of us have been there (although sometimes I think I am thoroughly cowed by this stage and don't react to anything).

It sounds like your daughter was already beginning to dis-regulate over her argument with her son's father.

I think mistake 2 was probably worse than mistake one but I completely understand how it happened. It is difficult to remain calm and patient under those circumstances.

I find mindfulness helps with this sort of thing and I practice it whilst waiting in queues (lines?) at the shops etc. just focusing on breathing and surroundings etc and trying to let go of impatience and frustration-then try to trot it out when needed.

Also I think there is something in here that is connected to boundaries. I used to make a mistake when my children were young of trying to be "nice" and tolerating silly behavior for too long-then I would lose it and start to shout.

It would have been better for me to draw the line earlier but in a calm way.

In a sense your daughter was pushing the boundary and perhaps saying something along the lines of "If we don't leave by 11am I won't be able to go as I will be too late back" and then sticking to the limit without getting angry might help.

Yes, she may well still rage but you would know that you had been fair and clear.

I think I would let it all go now and not refer to it again-after all your daughter's behavior was not reasonable.

Perhaps validate that her feelings do matter and that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings if she says that again-and a little distance and self-care until things settle?

[tristesse]

Thank you Lever, As always, I really appreciate your insight.

I feel broken today, but mostly because I know I was unkind. Seriously... .why would I even say something so rude? I should have known better, it was very obvious she was already hurting, and for me to go in on her was just down right mean.

I need to leave the self pity behind, and get on with life. I caused the damage, now I can clean the mess. I just really needed to put it into words, it was weighing heavy on my heart.

[lever.]

We have said before Tristesse that it is a good thing to own our mistakes and learn from them.

Be careful not to cross the line into beating yourself up and feeling ashamed.

In DBT they say if guilt is justified try to put it right if you can but otherwise let it go.

I would be interested to hear what other posters think about apologising -with most people that is what we would do but sometimes with my DD it fuels her anger and she stops acknowledging her own part in the disagreement.

What do you think?

[tristesse]

The harder I tried to make amends , the more angry she became. She told me I should be sorry, and that my apology was just empty words. So I have to agree apologizing does seem to somehow make them back up and refuse responsibility.

My DD is never one to admit wrong doing or acknowledge her own faults, very recently was the first time in forever that she said she was sorry, so maybe my DD is different than most in that she has never been good at owning her issues.

I will not beat myself up over my mistakes, I will just pick up the mess and move on. I tried to make it right, and was shut down, I can't undo anything already done, I can't un say anything already said. and I if I could turn back time, I would do it differently, but I can't, so there is no sense in dwelling in the halls of shame and self pity.

[lever.]

I think that's the best attitude to take.

Most people with BPD do find it hard to own their mistakes-they can't tolerate the shame so they tend to project onto other people. Its difficult for them to regulate the difficult emotions associated with making a mistake.

You have done so much to support and help your daughter -I agree -brush yourself down and move on.

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you for sharing with such honesty, tristesse. This is a safe place where we can admit our shortcomings without drowning in shame. Tomorrow will be another day... . 

The good news? There are always lots of opportunities for do-overs.

I think lever gave you really good advice, and as painful as this experience has been, I think that in the long run, it will serve for the better as it will prove to be one that you will remember as a valuable lesson/reminder.

I would be interested to hear what other posters think about apologising -with most people that is what we would do but sometimes with my DD it fuels her anger and she stops acknowledging her own part in the disagreement.

What do you think?

This is a tricky one. I agree that apology while the pwBPD is dysregulated or hasn't come back to normal emotionally only tends to fuel more anger, and tends to "justify" more undesirable behavior.

In my experience it is important to apologize and model healthy behavior to the ill person. On the other hand timing is key. I would wait, even a whole day or as long as it takes for her to calm down, and would bring it up later, when emotions and communication is back to ok.

Also, I would be very careful if the conversation was started by the pwBPD in demanding an apology in what kind of mood they are in, as that can slip into them getting angry and abusive again. In that case, I would validate, validate, validate and apologize. If they would start going down hill emotionally, I'd try to validate some more, and if that didn't work, I'd quickly end the conversation and remove myself.

As each child is different, do you think that would work with your daughter?

[MammaMia]

Tristesse

We all have days when we just can't take any more and we make mistakes. 

When my BPDs acts like this, I just back off.  I have said it before, and I will say it again... .sometimes silence is golden.  You know eventually, your dd is going to bring the situation up.  that would be the time to say, "I am sorry, I was having a bad day" and then just let it go.  If she pressures you to argue, don't.  Find something else to do or leave the house.

I have the luxury of not living with my BPDs.  My heart goes out to those of you who are trying to survive the constant stress and frustration that is BPD under one roof.

Hang in there. You are not emotionally weak, you are human.

[tristesse]

Thank you everybody for y our insight and advice.

DD is no longer raging at me and actually had a somewhat normal tone hen speaking me to me. She and my DH are now at each other, lots of yelling by both. I refused to take part, and I refused to take sides. It is still going this morning, both being hateful and mean, the tension in my house is ridiculous right now, but I will not be caught in the middle.

They are both grown adults and they need to figure it out.