An example of Boundaries and how they "work"

[123Phoebe]

Boundaries can be used in all kinds of matters; they're all about us.

I am a softy when it comes to animals.  I can't stand the idea of one being hurt, it really upsets me.

I realize out in nature animals prey on other animals, the circle of life and all that jazz; I get it, but it doesn't mean I don't feel upset when I see it happening.

A long time ago I arrived at SO's house and he had on Wild Discovery.  A gazelle was being preyed upon.  I squirmed and said that I can't watch this, turned my head away.  SO looked at me all irritated, "It's nature".  So?  It upsets me.  I got up and said that I was going for a walk around the neighborhood, watch it, that's fine, but I'm not going to.  He changed the channel, but he was not in the best of moods.  I can't remember the rest of the night, just that we had different feelings on the subject.  I was not going to sit there and watch that = my boundary.

Flash forward to hawks grabbing birds out of the backyard over the years... .  They're magnificent and powerful, I can appreciate that they have to hunt for their food, but any time it happens I still feel sad for the poor little bird that became dinner.

Same goes for roadkill, I feel blah for a few and eventually let it go. 

It's who I am and no amount of rationalizing or JADEing another viewpoint is going to make me change how I feel internally.

The other day we were driving along a busy road.  Traffic stopped and drivers were moving over to the right lane... .  "Hmm, wonder what's going on up there?"  SO saw what was going on and told me not to look, "Seriously, close your eyes, don't look.  I'll tell you when it's safe.  It's a deer".

He protected me, my well-being, my heart, because he understands who I am.  When it was safe to open my eyes, I asked if he was okay, seeing what must have been awful.  He said he was okay, but it was disturbing.  We drove in silence for a few, then returned to normalcy. 

Saw a Great-horned owl up in a pine tree later, it was huge and beautiful, the remains of its kill at the base of the trunk. 

Nature. 

So happy to be experiencing life with him

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[Grey Kitty]

   

[takingandsending]

Hey, Phoebe

Congrats. That's a nice example of boundaries. I hope that things continue to go well for you and your bf.

[ColdEthyl]

Very nice! It's nice to read good examples and renews our resolve

[123Phoebe]

Thanks

What I'm continuing to learn is that it's up to me to get in touch with my values and express those values to him in a way that's not accusatory.  We are different people.  It's okay to have different ways of looking at things, feeling different feelings.

Being true to who I am, is not trying to get him to come around to my way of thinking.  It's simply being true to who I am.

I can't even tell you how much time I've wasted trying to figure out what "must" be going on inside his head to warrant the strange feelings going on inside my body.  Huh?  

Tending to my strange feelings has provided a sense of calm, not a knee-jerk reaction... . YOU YOU YOU!  Why why why?  He is not responsible for my feelings.  But, when he takes them into consideration... .it's a really good thing.  The only way he's going to know how I feel, is if I let him know by consistently being true to myself, expressing myself in non-accusatory ways.

A lot of this BPD stuff isn't rocket-science, it's human nature taken to a different level.  I know I have my own levels of tetched and I try to be considerate of his without losing myself.

Empathy, right on

[Mie]

  this is so important, thank you for reminding. I realized that I started to slip and not keep my boundaries while we had a seemingly easier period.

I also have realized that it's easier to make him understand my boundaries by having a very concrete reasoning, like: don't you ever lock me inside anywhere, strangle me or cover my face ( well he didin't do those but locked me in a room) because I have claustrofobia, probably because me and my brother were locked in the small room by a mean nanny. He keeps doors unlocked now and even does not want me to close the bathroom door, because something could happen to me... .(well, this may be related to a totally different thing).

[MaybeSo]

What I'm continuing to learn is that it's up to me to get in touch with my values and express those values to him in a way that's not accusatory.  We are different people.  It's okay to have different ways of looking at things, feeling different feelings.

Bingo.

This is the work of differentiation in couples therapy.  Being able to maintain your sense of self (which includes boundaries of course) w/out becoming dysregulated or triggered when your partner expresses their separate identity (sense of self) too.

Nice work.

[123Phoebe]

What I'm continuing to learn is that it's up to me to get in touch with my values and express those values to him in a way that's not accusatory.  We are different people.  It's okay to have different ways of looking at things, feeling different feelings.

Bingo.

This is the work of differentiation in couples therapy.  Being able to maintain your sense of self (which includes boundaries of course) w/out becoming dysregulated or triggered when your partner expresses their separate identity (sense of self) too.

Nice work.

Thank you, MaybeSo for the explanation and encouragement. 

I think one of the balancing acts for me has been to not impose my sense of self onto him.  I can see where it can get confusing to people when they read that pwBPD don't have a sense of self-- Okay, well I'll give them one!  Change for me me me

A person with BPD's sense of self is tied into the BPD, so what you see is what you get when the behaviors rear; it may be distorted, but it is what it is.  They are not BPD, it's that they have it, it's a big component.

It's one of the reasons it's been so important for me to try to get truly in touch with myself, put some focus on my own behaviors, my values, my feelings, judgments, what-nots... .  I don't want to be defined by a label.  I'm not PMS or a bad day, I'm who I am and yes, there's always room for improvement and introspection.  Not everything I do is because of one thing or another, as someone else might interpret it.

Standing behind my values, that boundary-line, keeps me grounded.  It allows other's in (or out) without losing myself.