Leaving - scared.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is it. I have decided to break up with him. I have put this on the "Undecided" Board too. I plan to do it by writing him a letter on Saturday. I dare not be alone with him when I do it.

My self esteem, my freedom of speech, my integrity, my health, my self confidence, my energy are in big danger. I have come to realize that nothing is going to change. We are both 61 (been together for 8 months), he has been in therapy for two years, ended in March this year, and is not going for therapy again. He can not function in a close relationship. The roller-coaster is too destructive and damaging for me. Irresistibly loving (most of the time), then coldness, then rage, and it starts all over again. About four or five times he has had very scary outbursts of rage. In the beginning he told me that he had been violent to some of his former female partners. The last one reported him to the police. That was two years ago. He was sentenced to choose between two years' imprisonment or 5 years of psychiatric treatment. That treatment is nothing. Once a week he goes to this psychiatric centre and has a cosy chat in a group with a caretaker and other patients who have other diagnoses and who have never been violent. He looves these cosy chats. Every time he got an outburst I froze and wondered: when is he going to hit me? But I already feel the violence though he hasn't hit me. It really feels like violence. Then there is something seriously wrong. I can not and will not live in a relationship being afraid of the one I love. Why wait to see if he hits me? Six weeks ago I talked to him about it and told him that I don't feel safe when he gets these outbursts, and that we have to make an agreement that he leaves when he feels it coming. He seemed to understand, and he agreed. Last evening and today he had explosive outbursts, but didn't leave. Today it lasted for an hour. I didn't dare tell him to leave. I didn't dare say anything. I just stood there silently listening to his shouting horrible things to me. He was in power. Yet, I feel so sorry for him. I really do.

I dare not be alone with him when I break up. I plan to tell him in a letter that it is over. I will send it on Saturday. Or should I meet him on a café and tell him there? Is it lousy of me to tell him in a letter? Please tell me honestly what you think.

There is less of me now than there was 8 months ago. And if I don't stop this now there will be less and less of me until I disappear. It is going to be unbearably painful. He is the most loving and affectionate man I have known, when he is in a good period. As long as it lasts (which is not for long). Heaven! We were going to enjoy December together, with all the pleasures of Christmas. Spending Christmas Eve together with my old mother, who looks so much forward to this. He loves Christmas and can't wait till December. It is going to hurt and I am going to feel horribly alone. I am tempted to postpone it, to have him just a little bit longer, till after New Year. Why? Because I am scared of the afterwards. I am scared if I stay, and scared if I leave. Someone on the Undecided board said to me two months ago: "You don't know how lucky you are. Six months! ... .". Not yet too much involved not to have a good chance of getting out of it. I am very much aware that when I break up, it will be definite. There will be no way back. I love him, and I don't want to destroy that by staying. Cause I'm afraid that would destroy more that that inside of me. Give me strength. May Christmas soon be over.

[harbour]

This is it. I have decided to break up with him. I have put this on the "Undecided" Board too. I plan to do it by writing him a letter on Saturday. I dare not be alone with him when I do it.

My self esteem, my freedom of speech, my integrity, my health, my self confidence, my energy are in big danger. I have come to realize that nothing is going to change. We are both 61 (been together for 8 months), he has been in therapy for two years, ended in March this year, and is not going for therapy again. He can not function in a close relationship. The roller-coaster is too destructive and damaging for me. Irresistibly loving (most of the time), then coldness, then rage, and it starts all over again. About four or five times he has had very scary outbursts of rage. In the beginning he told me that he had been violent to some of his former female partners. The last one reported him to the police. That was two years ago. He was sentenced to choose between two years' imprisonment or 5 years of psychiatric treatment. That treatment is nothing. Once a week he goes to this psychiatric centre and has a cosy chat in a group with a caretaker and other patients who have other diagnoses and who have never been violent. He looves these cosy chats. Every time he got an outburst I froze and wondered: when is he going to hit me? But I already feel the violence though he hasn't hit me. It really feels like violence. Then there is something seriously wrong. I can not and will not live in a relationship being afraid of the one I love. Why wait to see if he hits me? Six weeks ago I talked to him about it and told him that I don't feel safe when he gets these outbursts, and that we have to make an agreement that he leaves when he feels it coming. He seemed to understand, and he agreed. Last evening and today he had explosive outbursts, but didn't leave. Today it lasted for an hour. I didn't dare tell him to leave. I didn't dare say anything. I just stood there silently listening to his shouting horrible things to me. He was in power. Yet, I feel so sorry for him. I really do.

I dare not be alone with him when I break up. I plan to tell him in a letter that it is over. I will send it on Saturday. Or should I meet him on a café and tell him there? Is it lousy of me to tell him in a letter? Please tell me honestly what you think.

There is less of me now than there was 8 months ago. And if I don't stop this now there will be less and less of me until I disappear. It is going to be unbearably painful. He is the most loving and affectionate man I have known, when he is in a good period. As long as it lasts (which is not for long). Heaven! We were going to enjoy December together, with all the pleasures of Christmas. Spending Christmas Eve together with my old mother, who looks so much forward to this. He loves Christmas and can't wait till December. It is going to hurt and I am going to feel horribly alone. I am tempted to postpone it, to have him just a little bit longer, till after New Year. Why? Because I am scared of the afterwards. I am scared if I stay, and scared if I leave. Someone on the Undecided board said to me two months ago: "You don't know how lucky you are. Six months! ... .". Not yet too much involved not to have a good chance of getting out of it. I am very much aware that when I break up, it will be definite. There will be no way back. I love him, and I don't want to destroy that by staying. Cause I'm afraid that would destroy more that that inside of me. Give me strength. May Christmas soon be over.

[Raybo48]

Hi Harbour,

I am very sorry you are going through this, but I'm glad you found us to support you in your difficult time.  I don't think there is anything wrong with a letter.  A hand written letter can be a powerful tool to get your point across without confrontation, and from the sound of it that's exactly what you are concerned about and are trying to avoid.   

In a very different situation my girlfriend from college (5 year relationship and she wasn't BPD) wrote me a 'goodbye' letter when things were ending.  It was eloquently written and it left no wiggle room on my part to reconcile the relationship.  I respected her very much for what she wrote and it allowed closure on both sides. I realize that is an ideal circumstance of ending a relationship and your situation is less than ideal, but I wanted to emphasize to you that a letter is perfectly fine in many situations.

Just my two cents.

[Pingo]

I know how that feels, being afraid of your partner, wondering if they will hurt you this time, the next time... .it's a horrible way to live.  Do you two live together?  Do you have a friend who could be with you during this time?  I agree, don't be with him (alone) when you do it, trust your gut.  I'm so sorry you are going through this harbour.

[Targeted]

When I broke up with my exGF  she got mad enough to call child services on me to try to get my kids taken away from me,  she made a anonymous phone call with a wild story and all did turn out ok in the end when they spoke with my counsellor but there is no telling what they will do when they are threatened by abandonment, I can only suggest that if you are that worried?  A email would do just fine.  I do not suggest being alone with him at any point if you are leaving,  and please do not fall for the meet me for a coffee months later.  Getting sucked back in is very easy to do.  But nothing changes and the next time it ends it is even worse.

I have been recycled more than once.

[harbour]

We don't live together, fortunately. We have always been at my place, when we were together. I have got a lot of his stuff here. From the very first time he visited me he brought two big boxes with some of his most precious things, articles, books and letters and poems from a very close friend of his who dies 5 years ago. He wanted me to read all that and said that I could keep it as long as I wanted to. He brought a lot of more books since that, and cd's. I also have a lot of his clothes here. What would be the best way to bring all that back to him? I thought I could put all of it in two boxes, make an appointment with him about when he can come and get it, not inside my home, but outside my door. It seems so dramatic and cold to do it that way. But do you have other suggestions?

In a very different situation my girlfriend from college (5 year relationship and she wasn't BPD) wrote me a 'goodbye' letter when things were ending.  It was eloquently written and it left no wiggle room on my part to reconcile the relationship.  I respected her very much for what she wrote and it allowed closure on both sides.

Very good points. I will be very careful how I write my letter to him. It will be tempting to let him know somehow that I still love him and to try to comfort him etc., because I still have feelings for him, and I feel so sorry for him. I also feel guilty breaking up with him. It is so abrupt. But I am aware that it would not be respectful nor helpful for any of us. I will probably have to write a lot of letters until I accept the one I send to him.

We always get together Friday till Monday morning. Friday is the day after tomorrow, and I have a hard time trying to figure out what to do now. If I send him a letter today, I can't be sure that he will receive it before Friday. I need to tell him not to come Friday. I think I will tell him that I need more time alone. He sent me lots of desperate messages since yesterday after he had left. All about how much he loves me and cravings for me to tell him that I love him. I didn't answer them, and I feel so bad about that. I just didn't know what to say to him. I only sent one short message, saying that I feel empty right now, not angry, I said, just empty. I feel really bad about this. Though I know it is not reasonable, I feel evil, because I cause him pain by leaving him, by giving up instead of fighting for us. Weak because I couldn't deal with it.

[CareTaker]

So sorry to hear of your situation, and what you about to experience. Please bear in mind that what ever you do or say, breaking this relationship will be blamed on you entirely. Your ex (or soon to be) will tell and mail you long replies as to all the things they have done for you and how much they have sacrificed for you. This is just to make you feel bad. Don't fall for it. Their whole attitude is just about themselves, and never have any consideration for you and your feelings. They cannot accept responsibility for anything, they not wired that way. It is a treat to their existence.

I just walked out. A few days later I got invited to meet for drinks, and I turned it down. Therefore I now am hated, and was replaced. Probably just to spite me. But that will also backfire.

So prepare for being accused of things you have never even heard of before. Even friends will be told how bad you are. But in the end, if you decide to go, don't look back. No matter what.

[Pingo]

Harbour, I know what it's like to feel those feelings of guilt, like you are giving up and you are weak.  I felt like that too when I decided to get out of my marriage.  And like caretaker says, they'll blame you for everything and won't take any accountability for the suffering they have put you through.  I would like to tell you though that after 5 mths being out of my marriage, I don't have those same feelings.  I realise now I'm not weak, it took a tremendous amount of strength to take care of myself and come to that final decision.  It was the hardest decision of my life.  When we are in the middle of the confusion of our r/ss it is what we refer to here as a FOG.  Have you read about this?  It stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  And that is what most of us here have experienced.  Give it time, you will find that when this lifts you might have a different perspective of things.  There are some good articles here about this FOG.   Take that compassion that you clearly have and turn it towards yourself.  You are not responsible for his life and happiness, he is.  Now you have to take care of yourself and make sure you are staying safe.

Do you have anything of yours at his house?  I would recommend getting those things if you can before you do anything if they are really important as you will likely not get them back after. 

[harbour]

I am so glad to hear about your experience. Makes me feel I am not alone and helps me feel less wrong.

You just walked out. How? Did you explain why you left?

He is able to feel empathy. But probably not in this situation. I mean when I leave him. He can be very empathic and helpful. Also towards friends. But in a close relationship his anxiety and anger becomes more and more intense and make him act in a more and more destructive way.

He accuses me already, when he is triggered, of the most horrible things. His outbursts of rage and very hurting accusations, when he was here Monday to Tuesday were too much for me. It wasn't the first time I found myself standing there silently listening to all that for an hour or two. If I said anything at all, he would be more furious and hurting or tell me to keep quiet when he was talking. I could not communicate with him. I felt helpless and powerless, hurt and scared, when something had triggered him into that rage. Sooner or later after he left in anger I would receive messages from him about how much he loves me. This time is the first time that I don't respond and prepare myself for a new period of "bliss". The red flags have become more than red flags.

Still, right now I am struggling, thinking of the possibility that maybe we could have a friendship. I think I am trying to find a way not to end it so abruptly. To find a way to make it less painful for both of us. But I don't really believe it is possible, realistic or healthy.

I feel so bad because I don't answer his messages. I can't think of any proper way to tell him that I am leaving him. He expects us to be together in the weekend, cause that's our agreement. I thought I would tell him that I need to be alone this weekend too, and then write him the letter Sunday. It doesn't seem right though. He will just become more anxious and desperate. Since I have decided to break up, I ought to be honest and tell him now. But that means that I should call him soon and tell him on the phone. The thought of it makes me tremble. I don't know which way is the least hard for him.

I feel a bit chaotic. And very exhausted. My heart is pounding, my body is extremely tense, and my mind isn't working well at the moment. Maybe it is the FOG. I will read about it.

[CareTaker]

Harbour, think about the most precious thing in your life. What is that?

Your health. Right.

Not just physical health, but mental health as well.

Realize you in this situation, because you allow it. He does all these bad things to you, because he controls you. Yet you allow it.!

I studied BPD on the net for about 6 months before I walked out. I realized I was in a very toxic relationship. It had changed me as a person, and I was not myself anymore. I also realized that BPD is bigger than me, and with my knowledge I could not fight it or live with it. I was not going to try and get my ex pregnant, and I was not going to marry her.

So I left, and now 2 months later I look back at the 3 years together and I am amazed that I stayed that long.

But it still is your choice. You will find all the answers on this website.

Most important, you must care about YOU.

[Pingo]

Hi Harbour, I'd like to say it was easy but it so wasn't.  I actually had to get him out of our home as it is in my name.  The first time we split there was a scary moment where I imagined he was maybe capable of something really awful (he had guns) so I had my son stay at his dad's house for 3 weeks until I got him out.  But there had been so many scary moments before that when he was raging or being intimidating and they all just accumulated and I knew he had to go.  The final straw for me was I caught him stalking me at my friend's house when I was there visiting her.  I just knew I had to do it.  I told him in a rage.  I was so scared.  He denied the stalking, would never own up to it but did cry and beg for me to reconsider.  Unfortunately a mth after he left we ended up talking on the phone which led to a recycle.  I had figured I had over reacted and bc we were married I felt I had to try one last time.  But it was never right after that.  I just didn't trust him at all.  And after weeks of him subtly checking up on me, stopping by my work unexpectedly to surprise me, being extremely possessive, we had a big fight after he had given me yet another ST and he tried to toss me out of the bed in an angry rage.  I threatened to call the cops and this fortunately deescalated the situation.  I waited 3 weeks before I asked him to move out again.  I wanted to be calm so I wouldn't have to feel doubts why I did it.  I told him in person. 

My ex wasn't always scary.  In fact most of the time he was sweet and thoughtful, loving and affectionate.  This made the decision even that much more difficult.  But at some point I realised his life was not more valuable than mine.  And I was going to lose mine trying to save him.  Since our BU I have learned a lot about abuse and I went through a real angry phase (I still do from time to time).  It was shocking how abusive he had been and how much I was in denial about it.  I have also been in therapy for many months which has helped tremendously.  Are you seeing a T?

Caretaker is right, you must care about YOU now. 

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm very sorry for what you are going through.  There is a lot I identify with, and some things I cannot.

I dare not be alone with him when I break up. I plan to tell him in a letter that it is over. I will send it on Saturday. Or should I meet him on a café and tell him there? Is it lousy of me to tell him in a letter? Please tell me honestly what you think.

I think you need to give up on worrying about what is "lousy" .  I think you need to keep your focus primarily on your own sanity and let the rest go because it doesn't really matter in comparison.  In my opinion, keep whatever communication you have short.  The more information you give, the more it will be used as ammunition against you or to draw you into conflict.  Plus, any kind of "explanation" or "justification" you give will not be received, not really.  If He's BPD, he's not capable of really accepting the broken attachment and he's definitely not capable of accepting any part he has in it.  That's one of the reasons some of the articles recommend things like feigning depression and saying that you are "confused", just so that you can get away with as little explosions as possible.  I told my ex exactly what she has said to me before, "Yeah, I think we were just two people who weren't right for each other and got married too young."  I could barely swallow saying it, but I did.  It helped lessen the raging and erratic behavior, but it was like pulling teeth to get her out of my house.

[harbour]

I do feel controlled by him. It seems that he does that unconsciously, like many other hurtful things he does, but that doesn't remove the fact that I can't take it any longer.

Toxic. Yes. That is what I feel this relationship is too.

Where do I find reading about FOG?

[OutOfEgypt]

Controlled... .yes.  My ex wife still tries to do this.  I've never met someone who, even with a smile on her face, can so masterfully drop such innocuous little digs so as to try and put you on the defensive, throw you off, and make you feel like you did something wrong to her.

[harbour]

I read and reread your stories. Helps me believe that I am right in breaking up, in seeing how harmful this is.

My ex wasn't always scary.  In fact most of the time he was sweet and thoughtful, loving and affectionate.  This made the decision even that much more difficult.

The same with mine. That is exactly what makes it so difficult for me. And to trust in what I experience and feel. Cause since he is so loving and affectionate most of the time, why can't I fully enjoy and appreciate that? I know why, but it makes it harder to let go. I feel that the process has begun, and that I can't turn back to accepting to stay in this. I sense and see though, that I need to strengthen and confirm my decision all the time.

[Pingo]

Workshop on the FOG:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

The more you learn about this disorder and abuse, the clearer things will become.

[harbour]

 

The first time we split there was a scary moment where I imagined he was maybe capable of something really awful (he had guns) so I had my son stay at his dad's house for 3 weeks until I got him out.  But there had been so many scary moments before that when he was raging or being intimidating and they all just accumulated and I knew he had to go.

I am scared to tell him face to face. I don't think he would harm me, but how would I know? He has been violent to former female partners, I have no idea how many. And the last time I saw him he raged at me for an hour or so, and left. This time he blocked my way in the door opening, when I wanted to go to the kitchen, and he grabbed my arm, not hard, but he hasn't done that before. I just don't know what to say to him. I can't just say that I leave without a reason. He will ask. And in this case there is no good point in telling the truth. That makes it very difficult. 

[OutOfEgypt]

I am scared to tell him face to face. I don't think he would harm me, but how would I know? He has been violent to former female partners, I have no idea how many. And the last time I saw him he raged at me for an hour or so, and left. This time he blocked my way in the door opening, when I wanted to go to the kitchen, and he grabbed my arm, not hard, but he hasn't done that before. I just don't know what to say to him.  

It isn't that this kind of thing is as bad as punching a woman in the face, but it is definitely along the same vein.  He's using physical intimidation to control you.  The probably two times I "got in my wife's face" during my 13 year marriage to her, even though I never laid a finger on her, I knew I was definitely in the wrong.  You don't do that to someone.  

I can't just say that I leave without a reason. He will ask. And in this case there is no good point in telling the truth. That makes it very difficult.

And so what if he asks?  :)o you have to explain?  That's the FOG speaking.  The term that is thrown around here often is JADE:  you don't have to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain yourself to him or anybody.  A simple, "I just don't like how this relationships is going, and I want to leave it" ought to be enough.  Some people barely get that!  If you want to give him an explanation, you can be honest, but just keep it short.  Or you could just say something like, "I just don't think we are right for each other."  Or better, if he has ever said something about why the relationship may not work or was not working, just repeat what he said.  In either case, you already know what is going to happen.  He is going to ask you 1,000 questions.  So, either communicate it in such a way that you aren't there, and avoid or cutoff all contact, or communicate it using few words and then be prepared to not answer his countless questions.  Or you could just take the "woe is me, I'm really confused and just need space to think about what I want" type thing.  And then utilize that new found space to sever ties completely.

[Pingo]

The first time we split there was a scary moment where I imagined he was maybe capable of something really awful (he had guns) so I had my son stay at his dad's house for 3 weeks until I got him out.  But there had been so many scary moments before that when he was raging or being intimidating and they all just accumulated and I knew he had to go.

I am scared to tell him face to face. I don't think he would harm me, but how would I know? He has been violent to former female partners, I have no idea how many. And the last time I saw him he raged at me for an hour or so, and left. This time he blocked my way in the door opening, when I wanted to go to the kitchen, and he grabbed my arm, not hard, but he hasn't done that before. I just don't know what to say to him. I can't just say that I leave without a reason. He will ask. And in this case there is no good point in telling the truth. That makes it very difficult. 

Trust your gut instinct.  Lundy Bancroft, who wrote about abuse in the book "Why does he do that", says the biggest indicator of if/when a man will become violent is the women's gut feeling that this could happen.  My ex blocked my way, threw my book across the room if I wasn't paying enough attention when he was talking, etc and my gut told me it would escalate and it did.  You are right to be careful, especially since he's already told you he has been violent in the past.  That means that he feels he has the right to be so if pushed hard enough.  Don't think it's all about him losing control.  I know you don't see his controlling behaviour as conscious now but that might change as you start to heal and your head becomes clearer.

I agree with OutOfEgypt, you could just say you want space and time to think about what you want and this will give you some time to figure out further how you want to deal with it.  Go with what your gut says.  Stay safe.