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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: exBPDw claims SHE is thp  (Read 477 times)
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« on: November 19, 2014, 01:17:54 AM »

For those who don't know my story, married 26 years to uBPDw / prob NPD as well.  Finally got a good counselor for myself in 2012, spent 18 months getting my head straight and finalized divorce in July of past year.  3 kids D21,S19,S17.  2 boys live with me, as does daughter when not away at school.  During at least last 10 years of the marriage, uBPDex was primarily focused on herself and her needs, no surprise while I took care of kids and tried to keep up with her reckless spending, etc. 

Perfect example was over a particular 3 year period, 2 sons were not old enough to drive but were both playing team sports.  I probably took them to over 500 practices, games, etc. in that time frame.  Due to work commitments about 3 or 4 times during that period I was out of town during an event and had to ask ex to take kids.  I don't think they made it on time even once during those events.  Sigh.  The other 496 times I took them were not a problem.  During the last couple years before I moved out during the divorce, she became enamored of these companies that would deliver all the ingredients to make a nice meal at home along with the recipe and prep directions.  Great! The only problem was she only would cook these for her and I, and nothing for the boys! Hope that kind of frames the questions.

In general results of divorce have been positive.  I am glad to have control back of my life, my finances, and my own head.  By the time the divorce was final the only minor child was S17, and parenting plan states "Mother and child shall directly arrange for said periods of custody as shall be in the best interests of the child.  Father shall take all reasonable and appropriate steps to encourage child to maintain regular, frequent, and meaningful contact with Mother."

Individually each of the kids has kind of reached a different level of contact that they are comfortable with maintaining with their mother.  D21 will talk or text maybe once or twice a week and visit for a couple hours when she is in town.  S19 was splitting living arrangments until August, when he moved in with me full time.  He texts or talks to her several times a week and will go eat with her maybe 2 - 4 times a month.  S17 has essentially cut off all contact with her after she repeatedly violated his requests to stop reading his phone messages between him and I, as well as ignoring multiple other requests he made of her, and oh yea accusing him of assaulting her and lying about her "injuries."  Somehow that ended up in a trumped up RO on me that cost me several thousand dollars to defend.  For my part, I do not go out of my way to bash their mother, in fact she is rarely a topic of conversation. However nor do I feel it is my responsibility to defend her actions, or monitor the relationship between ex and kids.  They all have phone, computers and vehicles available to them for purposes of visiting and communications.

Ex followed the standard BPD pattern including smear campaign, false RO, start and stop negotiations,  pretty much everything in the playbook.  Blessedly divorce actually was completed fairly quickly.  However with a month of papers being signed, ex has adopted a new strategy of victimization, proclaiming that she has been parentally alienated from the kids by me of course.   The truth is that she is alienated from the kids, but because of her own actions and manipulation, which they have seen through.  I believe my leaving gave them the cover and strength to finally say enough is enough.

I have provided multiple opportunities for the kids to go to counseling, which they have partaken of.  Individually all 3 kids have confided that they believe ex is bat-stuff crazy and wondered why I did not leave her years before i did.  For my part I am so enjoying the freedom of just being me and having 100% control over my finances, my schedule, down to what kind of dishes I buy.

Question - has anyone else experienced their exBPD claiming to be a victim of "parental alienation?"

Other thoughts or suggestions?

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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2014, 05:46:48 AM »

Sounds like it's the only weapon left on her tactics belt.  Is it just posturing to save face or she going to start something with CPS, social services or domestic court?  I'm guessing it's just posturing to save face, still trying to be MOTY and still trying to paint you black?

In my view, it sound like you've done well, just don't enable her and weather the blaming storms.  If she does start a legal case then (1) it's less than a year to go, (2) you have the counselors who know the reality and (3) by the time court gets anywhere your youngest will have become an adult.  Older children are known to "vote with their feet".  AT that point it ought to become a moot issue.  Ought to, she may find some way to do the impossible and stretch it out.  So continue keeping your distance from her and never be alone or in secluded places with her.

Now, if the kids had told counselors and others "I hate that parent and I hate all that parent's relatives, then that would be concerning, a normal child would just say, "I don't like some of those relatives but others are okay."  Blanket blaming is a sign of an influenced child.
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Nope
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: married
Posts: 951



« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2014, 06:52:10 AM »

This sounds to be fueled by a need she has to save face. One of her kids not talking to her *has* to be someone's fault and because she is BPD it *can't* be her failt. Therefore it *must* be your fault.

FD is right that it is moot unless she actually files something in court. She may threaten to. But that's just acting out behavior. My DH's ex is always screaming, "I'll tell my lawyer what you did!" and "I have no problem going back to court!" at both my DH and the father of her other child. But everybody knows she is thousands of dollars in debt to her lawyer who will never see a penny and she's not likely to find another lawyer who will have anything to do with her. We try to look past her illness to make sure she doesn't have a valid point that needs to be addressed and then we just shrug off the threats.

There is nothing you can do about the way she feels. He's 17 and this is ultimately between the two of them. Unless and until she makes a move to make her feelings your problem, let it go. Because if you ask yourself what more you can do to support their relationship you'll realize there is nothing more without damaging your son's boundaries. And that isn't good for him in the long run.
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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2014, 08:59:12 AM »

There is nothing you can do about the way she feels. He's 17 and this is ultimately between the two of them. Unless and until she makes a move to make her feelings your problem, let it go. Because if you ask yourself what more you can do to support their relationship you'll realize there is nothing more without damaging your son's boundaries. And that isn't good for him in the long run.

Take the allegations and morph them into positive aspects.  The children have Boundaries.  The children are Empowered and making decisions, not bowing to demands dumped upon them.
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