Splitting, or something else?

[SickofMe]

I am in in the early stages of reconciling with my BF--after a brutal breakup-- and have been having a lot of discussions with him.  Yesterday, he told me that his decision to b/u with me was very "left-brained."  He said that he talked to his brother (his confidante) about it a lot while it was happening and that he had it characterized as a left vs. right brained conflict--his right brain (emotional) side was telling him to stay, he says, but his left brain was overriding that and he'd convinced himself he had "no choice" and it was the rational choice to leave me.

(BTW, he claims he was running and hiding from me bc I was behaving erratically.  I was, in truth, overwhelmed, acting out, drinking too much, and feeling exhausted, emotionally drained at the time.  This was in part, but not entirely, bc of my relationship troubles.  Lots of stressors that had nothing to do with him at the time--I have a mentally ill adult son and other issues of similar concern.)

I challenged this bc it does not ring true to me.  I told him, I think if you had been rational, you might have taken into consideration that I'd never behaved this way before and was under a lot of pressure.  A compassionate response would have been to empathize and try to help.  Also, if he'd been "rational" as he's claimed, I think he might have taken inventory of what a nice r/s we'd had for more than two years, very little conflict, and my being extremely patient and generous and doing a million sweet things for him, consistently.

I also told him that I think he was having an emotional reaction (his "right brain" model) to me and my behavior, and was reacting to me as if I were someone else (namely, his ex-wife, who is clearly disordered and not high functioning).  He agreed that this was a possibility.

Do you think he is describing a type of "splitting?"  He says that the entire b/u (he's calling it The 100 Day Yuck) he was pining, anguishing, and missing me--but was afraid to talk to me bc if I'd said just "one sweet thing" there is no way he could have stayed "strong" and resisted me.

He says he meant it as a compliment--that his heart won out, in the end.  He is extremely apologetic (this is a first, new behavior for him) and says he wants to become healthier and emotionally present enough to work out issues.  We really don't have a lot of issues that are directly related to OUR r/s, but I'm not entirely sure that's not bc I've made myself so small in order not to pressure him.

I feel like he split me black and now has come around to white.

[maxen]

as the dean of discipline in a middle school, "my left brain did it" doesn't carry much weight with me.    the callousness of his discussion - describing exactly his thinking about how to stay away from you - is astounding, yet not surprising at all.

"splitting" in a technical sense doesn't mean this, as you indicate. it's certainly a positive sign that he's apologized. are there other positive signs?

[SickofMe]

the callousness of his discussion - describing exactly his thinking about how to stay away from you - is astounding, yet not surprising at all.

Can you elaborate on the "not surprising" comment?  I am with you on not buying his explanation.  I think he came to a sudden conclusion that I was "crazy" (black) and had been hiding it from him all along.  He stated that in earlier discussions (only used "erratic" instead of crazy). 

To tell the truth, I'm not sure he has any real understanding of what he was doing or what motivated his behavior.  I do know, though, that at that (very long) moment in time, he was either incapable or unwilling to empathize with me.  I did not compute in his left vs. right brain dilemma.

it's certainly a positive sign that he's apologized. are there other positive signs?

It's early days.    He has apologized over and over and over and over (like the dam burst-- ) which is 100% new behavior.  He keeps saying what an idiot is, what a fool he's been, how angry he is at himself.  One part of me thinks this is progress, but there is a niggling feeling that this is another pity-ploy.  Like I'm supposed to feel sorry for him because he feels so bad about hurting me.  Mind-F.  I have stated:  fresh start.  We forgive each other and start over.  I am not going to feel sorry for him for what he put me through, no way.  He is responsible for his behavior.

He has also agreed to go to couples counseling with me.  He says he realizes he is "woefully un-self-aware" (and he is).  I think he is on the brink of being normal and it's almost worse than if he were full-on, clinically disordered.

I also think that about 90% of his behavior is related to "fleas" he's carrying from his marriage.  I am positive his ex-wife is BPD/NPD.  Not based on his words, alone, but on interactions I've witnessed.  She's verbally abusive, manipulative, and helpless.  He feels responsible for taking care of her bc they have 50/50 custody of the kids and she can't carry her responsibilities.

I truly think we could have a functional r/s if he would establish boundaries with his ex, but (BIG BUT) he makes a lot of false starts and never follows through.  Then he is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and has nothing to offer me on any level.

He's currently love-bombing me (and it feels good  ).  I will know if he is truly willing to make changes by observing his behavior, I guess.

[maxen]

the callousness of his discussion - describing exactly his thinking about how to stay away from you - is astounding, yet not surprising at all.

Can you elaborate on the "not surprising" comment?

i'm leaning on my own experience. my stbxw engaged with me similarly. i can't generalize i guess, but i was not surprised when i read that!

I am not going to feel sorry for him for what he put me through, no way.  He is responsible for his behavior.

again, my experience. my stbxw was so awfully hurt when i raised what she did to me.

how old are his children? he's going to be interacting with his xw for a while, perhaps. do you think you both have the emotional energy to sustain?

[SickofMe]

how old are his children? he's going to be interacting with his xw for a while, perhaps. do you think you both have the emotional energy to sustain?

13 and 16.  I feel like at these ages it should be a lot easier for him to disengage, but it hasn't been that way.

I don't know about the energy thing.  I have a really hard focusing on myself and my goals, dreams, and desires right now.  It wasn't always like this, even with him, I finished grad school, had a life, etc.  It seems to have slowly drained my reserves.  Mostly watching how resistant he is to changing his life... .which is always sad and chaotic, and always because of things he could change if he wanted to (mostly ex-wife stuff).

[maxen]

Mostly watching how resistant he is to changing his life

that would be a trial. it's important to be careful about expecting or even requiring change, however beneficial or even necessary the changes would be. i made that mistake. he can only be motivated to change from within himself.

[SickofMe]

that would be a trial. it's important to be careful about expecting or even requiring change, however beneficial or even necessary the changes would be. i made that mistake. he can only be motivated to change from within himself.

I'm not very optimistic, to tell the truth.  I think he could do it if he were really self-aware but he is more like half-aware and that's not going to be enough.