It's hard to accept/believe I'm nothing to her after all we've been through

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

its been really hard for me to believe that im nothing for her after all the intense moments weve been through. from one moment to the next, i became completely neutral to her, and she now seems completely in love with her new boyfriend.

how can she not feel a single thing for me after all weve been through, and for the fact that we only broke up a tiny while ago?

[jflc]

its been really hard for me to believe that im nothing for her after all the intense moments weve been through. from one moment to the next, i became completely neutral to her, and she now seems completely in love with her new boyfriend.

how can she not feel a single thing for me after all weve been through, and for the fact that we only broke up a tiny while ago?

[CareTaker]

its been really hard for me to believe that im nothing for her after all the intense moments weve been through. from one moment to the next, i became completely neutral to her, and she now seems completely in love with her new boyfriend.

how can she not feel a single thing for me after all weve been through, and for the fact that we only broke up a tiny while ago?

The sooner they replace you, the bigger the impact you made on their lives. They just cannot be alone, and will take the next available one. And I mean anyone.

I saw my replacement some time ago on a pic of a friends facebook. My ex obviously told her to remove the pic, cause it was gone the next day. What was so funny was just before break up she treated me with : You know I can getting any guy, and you have to just be happy with what you get.

Yet she had to really scrape the bucket just to replace me within 2 weeks.

LOL

That was the cherry on the top, and really gave me such a nice feeling. Try get over this. There are woman out there that actually are interested in YOU, not only themselves.

[clydegriffith]

its been really hard for me to believe that im nothing for her after all the intense moments weve been through. from one moment to the next, i became completely neutral to her, and she now seems completely in love with her new boyfriend.

how can she not feel a single thing for me after all weve been through, and for the fact that we only broke up a tiny while ago?

The sooner they replace you, the bigger the impact you made on their lives. They just cannot be alone, and will take the next available one. And I mean anyone.

I saw my replacement some time ago on a pic of a friends facebook. My ex obviously told her to remove the pic, cause it was gone the next day. What was so funny was just before break up she treated me with : You know I can getting any guy, and you have to just be happy with what you get.

Yet she had to really scrape the bucket just to replace me within 2 weeks.

LOL

That was the cherry on the top, and really gave me such a nice feeling. Try get over this. There are woman out there that actually are interested in YOU, not only themselves.

This is very true. Once they don't completley have you to use as a doormat they will move on the next person which will be anyone that happens to be around. During our b/u the BPDx leaned on the one friend she had and ended up sleeping with her husband and trying to get him to leave her for the mere fact that he was the only guy around. In her eyes it was true love though. Up until she realized he wasn't going to leave his wife for her then it became that he was nothing as soon as she found the next one.

[Deeno02]

Wow! I must have been supper extra special! Couple of days after dumping me, shes with her old college buddy. Whatever.

[Raybo48]

its been really hard for me to believe that im nothing for her after all the intense moments weve been through. from one moment to the next, i became completely neutral to her, and she now seems completely in love with her new boyfriend.

how can she not feel a single thing for me after all weve been through, and for the fact that we only broke up a tiny while ago?

Emotional disconnect is very easy for them so to us as sudden and shocking as it is to feel discarded it's totally normal for them especially when there is shame/fear of abandonment involved.   I still struggle with the dynamics of it myself, but have decided that since I more or less understand the underlying reasons for the behavior/disorder I'm going to focus on myself moving forward.  

They lack impulse control and many of their choices in life are a knee jerk reaction because of intense shame/fear/abandonment.  I really can't worry about it anymore;  She made her choice to burn our bride and I'm more concerned now about not making the mistake again of targeting another BPD, or if I'm targeted I want to know well before hand.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I'd say, you are still important, but you are locked inside of a pocket of her mind that hurts too much to look at. Her mind is a garble of crap, controlled by fear, confusion and insecurity. I'm sure she will think of you sometimes. Mine would think about her exes a lot when she was with me, especially as we ended things.

[Raybo48]

I'd say, you are still important, but you are locked inside of a pocket of her mind that hurts too much to look at. Her mind is a garble of crap, controlled by fear, confusion and insecurity. I'm sure she will think of you sometimes. Mine would think about her exes a lot when she was with me, especially as we ended things.

There is some truth here for sure.  Mine brought her ex's up constantly with great detail, as if events happened the day or week before when it was in fact years before.  I think they have the ability to lock certain events in their head that seemingly never leave.  Garble of crap is pretty accurate.

[Deeno02]

its been really hard for me to believe that im nothing for her after all the intense moments weve been through. from one moment to the next, i became completely neutral to her, and she now seems completely in love with her new boyfriend.

how can she not feel a single thing for me after all weve been through, and for the fact that we only broke up a tiny while ago?

Emotional disconnect is very easy for them so to us as sudden and shocking as it is to feel discarded it's totally normal for them especially when there is shame/fear of abandonment involved.   I still struggle with the dynamics of it myself, but have decided that since I more or less understand the underlying reasons for the behavior/disorder I'm going to focus on myself moving forward.  

They lack impulse control and many of their choices in life are a knee jerk reaction because of intense shame/fear/abandonment.  I really can't worry about it anymore;  She made her choice to burn our bride and I'm more concerned now about not making the mistake again of targeting another BPD, or if I'm targeted I want to know well before hand.

Yep... .no repeats... .

[clydegriffith]

its been really hard for me to believe that im nothing for her after all the intense moments weve been through. from one moment to the next, i became completely neutral to her, and she now seems completely in love with her new boyfriend.

how can she not feel a single thing for me after all weve been through, and for the fact that we only broke up a tiny while ago?

Emotional disconnect is very easy for them so to us as sudden and shocking as it is to feel discarded it's totally normal for them especially when there is shame/fear of abandonment involved.   I still struggle with the dynamics of it myself, but have decided that since I more or less understand the underlying reasons for the behavior/disorder I'm going to focus on myself moving forward.  

They lack impulse control and many of their choices in life are a knee jerk reaction because of intense shame/fear/abandonment.  I really can't worry about it anymore;  She made her choice to burn our bride and I'm more concerned now about not making the mistake again of targeting another BPD, or if I'm targeted I want to know well before hand.

That's the answer to the "why don't they care" question that many people ask. It would be difficult for a normal person to just replace someone they've been in a relationship with for a while or married to or had children with with just anybody. However, the BPD is not a normal person and anyone will do. As long as they have SOMEONE, that is what matters.

[777Alex777]

I have been separated from my BPD partner for 9 months. We didn't even break up, I came to florida to get the house she wanted us to move to, and I wasn't gone a week and a half before she told me she wanted to be separated and had a new bf. After 5 years, it blew my mind she could move that fast. In the 9 months following, I stayed down here and she has had a parade of men through our house, in our bed, and all over her facebook. I honestly cannot believe the type of guys she is spending time with. Nasty, ugly, filthy, gross, not one of them is anything but bottom of the barrel. And it's not even one after the other, she is overlapping them always has a new one to replace the last one when she inevitably ruins the short lived relationship. And, she comes running to me for emotional support in the midst of all of it.

On her facebook she makes her self look so amazing, perfect, brilliant, artistic, she paints herself out to be this helpless victim over and over and publicly disgraces each guy once she moves on. I am the only one who really knows the real her, behind the mask.

A close friend of mine said to me a while back, as she was very concerned with me, She said "she makes herself look like all those things in an effort to attract attention, and some hapless guy is looking at all that saying "wow this chick really seems like something special" and she reels them in unknowingly. Once they meet her and actually get to know her they realize things and see through the façade and see how much baggage she actually has.

She is about a messed up as messed up can get. I am trying to get her out of my head and my heart. I know the truth, who she really. And I held on for a long long time out of loyalty to my promises I made to her, and to our vows. But I am finding that I need to be loyal to myself first. Because hanging onto her mentally or emotionally or expecting her to finally have an A-HA moment which will never come, is just eroding me inside.

I know how you feel, it is hard to see them move on so fast. In all actuality, those poor hapless sons of b___es are doing you a favor by distracting her from you so she isn't clinging to you and trying to get you back. I always remind myself how much better off I actually am.

Be well.

[Blimblam]

its been really hard for me to believe that im nothing for her after all the intense moments weve been through. from one moment to the next, i became completely neutral to her, and she now seems completely in love with her new boyfriend.

how can she not feel a single thing for me after all weve been through, and for the fact that we only broke up a tiny while ago?

Jfcl,

This same thought pattern haunted and tortured me for a long long time. My ex would tell menu meant something to her only to go back for a recycle with push pull and abusive behavior. It was all so inconsistent. I told myself actions speak louder than words and they do. The thin is I was applying my logic to her world. 

What I realized is I did mean something to my ex I was her access point to the light of love and acceptance. She was for me too. My ex needs someone else to validate her existance someone else's approval and on such a constant basis because she is overwhelmed and can't process all those emotions on her own.  So she repeats the pattern with a new person immediately because that's her coping mechanism that's the way she knows how to deal with life.  She was like that before me and she will be like that after me.

Her perception is very different in many ways from our own. Her ego is not fully formed and extremely shallow so she requires someone else to be able to self reflect and sort through the jumble of thoughts and emotions to pick out the ones of acceptance and love.  She is simply hard wired differently. She experiences love like a very young child needs a parent and like a teenage girl with a crush. 

She lacks object consistency so without a object to project onto her a sense of indentify she fears annihilation like she doesn't exist and doesn't know who she is.  She needs somone to sort of name her and give her meaning then she will eventually relive the experience of seperating from her primary caregiver to become autonomous but in an unhealthy way where she relives her core trauma. Then she repeats the process trying to get it right this time. It's like Groundhog Day to her.  You as an individual did mean something special and unique to her in some someway you revealed part of her to herself but at the same time that terrifies her if she digs too deep.

[neverloveagain]

I know how you feel, it is hard to see them move on so fast. In all actuality, those poor hapless sons of b___es are doing you a favor by distracting her from you so she isn't clinging to you and trying to get you back. I always remind myself how much better off I actually am.

thats so true 777 alex glad mine is busy with her new prey. Gives us time to duck and cover and escape.

[Raybo48]

its been really hard for me to believe that im nothing for her after all the intense moments weve been through. from one moment to the next, i became completely neutral to her, and she now seems completely in love with her new boyfriend.

how can she not feel a single thing for me after all weve been through, and for the fact that we only broke up a tiny while ago?

Jfcl,

This same thought pattern haunted and tortured me for a long long time. My ex would tell menu meant something to her only to go back for a recycle with push pull and abusive behavior. It was all so inconsistent. I told myself actions speak louder than words and they do. The thin is I was applying my logic to her world. 

What I realized is I did mean something to my ex I was her access point to the light of love and acceptance. She was for me too. My ex needs someone else to validate her existance someone else's approval and on such a constant basis because she is overwhelmed and can't process all those emotions on her own.  So she repeats the pattern with a new person immediately because that's her coping mechanism that's the way she knows how to deal with life.  She was like that before me and she will be like that after me.

Her perception is very different in many ways from our own. Her ego is not fully formed and extremely shallow so she requires someone else to be able to self reflect and sort through the jumble of thoughts and emotions to pick out the ones of acceptance and love.  She is simply hard wired differently. She experiences love like a very young child needs a parent and like a teenage girl with a crush. 

She lacks object consistency so without a object to project onto her a sense of indentify she fears annihilation like she doesn't exist and doesn't know who she is.  She needs somone to sort of name her and give her meaning then she will eventually relive the experience of seperating from her primary caregiver to become autonomous but in an unhealthy way where she relives her core trauma. Then she repeats the process trying to get it right this time. It's like Groundhog Day to her.  You as an individual did mean something special and unique to her in some someway you revealed part of her to herself but at the same time that terrifies her if she digs too deep.

Blim, what are your thoughts on the ego portion of it.  I noticed in my BPDx a huge ego forming toward the end, especially when she was struggling to stay sober.  Is it a false ego to prop themselves up because they are so fragile in side?

[Blimblam]

Raybo

I notticed my ex get egotistic at the end she would say "I don't need you"

I realized this meant she had other narcisistic supply and possible backup attachments set up in place.  So she no longer needed me to supply her a framework for her identity and she had other people enabling her to run away from herself through running away from me. That ego was coming from somewhere and it was not her it was her enablers she bad mouthed me to.

[Deeno02]

its been really hard for me to believe that im nothing for her after all the intense moments weve been through. from one moment to the next, i became completely neutral to her, and she now seems completely in love with her new boyfriend.

how can she not feel a single thing for me after all weve been through, and for the fact that we only broke up a tiny while ago?

Jfcl,

This same thought pattern haunted and tortured me for a long long time. My ex would tell menu meant something to her only to go back for a recycle with push pull and abusive behavior. It was all so inconsistent. I told myself actions speak louder than words and they do. The thin is I was applying my logic to her world.  

What I realized is I did mean something to my ex I was her access point to the light of love and acceptance. She was for me too. My ex needs someone else to validate her existance someone else's approval and on such a constant basis because she is overwhelmed and can't process all those emotions on her own.  So she repeats the pattern with a new person immediately because that's her coping mechanism that's the way she knows how to deal with life.  She was like that before me and she will be like that after me.

Her perception is very different in many ways from our own. Her ego is not fully formed and extremely shallow so she requires someone else to be able to self reflect and sort through the jumble of thoughts and emotions to pick out the ones of acceptance and love.  She is simply hard wired differently. She experiences love like a very young child needs a parent and like a teenage girl with a crush.  

She lacks object consistency so without a object to project onto her a sense of indentify she fears annihilation like she doesn't exist and doesn't know who she is.  She needs somone to sort of name her and give her meaning then she will eventually relive the experience of seperating from her primary caregiver to become autonomous but in an unhealthy way where she relives her core trauma. Then she repeats the process trying to get it right this time. It's like Groundhog Day to her.  You as an individual did mean something special and unique to her in some someway you revealed part of her to herself but at the same time that terrifies her if she digs too deep.

Blim, what are your thoughts on the ego portion of it.  I noticed in my BPDx a huge ego forming toward the end, especially when she was struggling to stay sober.  Is it a false ego to prop themselves up because they are so fragile in side?

Mine has a horrible ego when it comes to Volleyball. She was a D1 athlete in college, coached at a University and has some records. She never let anyone forget it. Still doesnt. Watched as she manuvered her way into contract coaching at my sons HS by getting a tenured coach demoted so she could take his spot. Has the young VB head coach wrapped around her finger as well as the athletic director too. What a manipulating person, and i watched it happen. Wow... .this lead to her confidence being restored and me slowly pushed out.

[Raybo48]

Raybo

I notticed my ex get egotistic at the end she would say "I don't need you"

I realized this meant she had other narcisistic supply and possible backup attachments set up in place.  So she no longer needed me to supply her a framework for her identity and she had other people enabling her to run away from herself through running away from me. That ego was coming from somewhere and it was not her it was her enablers she bad mouthed me to.

Ahhh, that makes perfect sense.  I always had a gut feeling that her attitude was code for 'I have some other supply', but the egotistic behavior was new so I was trying to make sense of it's development.   Just like when she used to say "I'm lonely" it was code for her to soon be on the dating sites, or she was already involved with someone.    You got "I don't need you" and I got "I love you, but I can walk away".  

[apollotech]

If you look up the techniques used by and functions of parasitic organisms in the dictionary you might come close to an answer. Did we, us Non's, mean anything to them? In my opinion, NO. They used us for a time to get their needs met and then moved on when a more appealing "host" became available. They "attach" to someone rather than "bond" to someone as it occurs in higher species. Rest assured that it has absolutely nothing to do with you, the Non. It is purely a dysfunctional survival strategy. Be very, very thankful that you cannot understand or know what went on in your BPD's heart or head.

[Blimblam]

If you look up the techniques used by and functions of parasitic organisms in the dictionary you might come close to an answer. Did we, us Non's, mean anything to them? In my opinion, NO. They used us for a time to get their needs met and then moved on when a more appealing "host" became available. They "attach" to someone rather than "bond" to someone as it occurs in higher species. Rest assured that it has absolutely nothing to do with you, the Non. It is purely a dysfunctional survival strategy. Be very, very thankful that you cannot understand or know what went on in your BPD's heart or head.

Apollotech,



I can identify with your frustration you must be in right now.  To give you some hope at 14 months out a lot of soul searching reading  and posting here and reading pscyhologically books I can honestly say I do understand what was going on in her mind and the dynamic and am less bitter and hurt than I was.  It has been a very painfull journey. The worst pain of my life!  And their is a parasitic quality but in all honesty it goes both ways and coming to that realization is a painful one.  It is a puzzle but over time and a lot of self reflection it has begun to come into focus. One thing I can assure you is the feelings were real and valid for a pwBPD as well as the non.

How far out of the rs are you?

[icom]

A few years ago, a poll was held on Psychforums (Borderline):

 ":)o you ever get over them?"

More than 50% responded: No

I'd say that this is a fairly accurate representative sample.

Now, contrast this result with an identical question asked of non PD afflicted persons who have not experienced a BPD relationship, and I'd be surprised if the results weren't hovering perilously close to 100% yes.

Past girlfriends of mine?  I can barely recollect most of their faces after all this time.    

[ShadowIntheNight]

My exgf's ego popped too. But my T said that that usually happened when a person was on the way out of the relationship. It's like theyre saying I don't need you anymore and I'm gonna find someone to replace you. On the other hand, my ex's ego was pretty big before she decided to leave, so I'm not entirely convinced it was just because she knew she was leaving and I didn't. I used to say to her if she could date herself she would, and she would agree. When I first met her, she only wore black and navy because she was so depressed. If I had had any idea she would evolve into the person she truly was, I never would have talked to her. Not saying I wanted her to stay depressed, but once she started the current job she is in 6 yrs ago, her ego grew and grew and grew. Confidence is one thing. Being egotistical is something else.

[apollotech]

Hello Blimblam,

I appreciate your comments. After reading my post, I can see where it can be interpreted that I am frustrated. I am not. I am damned angry. Not at her, she has a mental illness. My anger has no outlet, no one to direct it towards.

My BPDexgf is a woman that I had been searching for since our high school days (32 years ago). I found her about nine months ago; however, I was unaware that she had mental issues until about a month after we started dating, about seven months ago. The push/pulls started, the projections, the "feelings are reality", all of the BPD behavior. I had never even heard of BPD prior to my relationship with her. I saw the odd behavior, the aforementioned patterns, the strange bending of reality; as a result, I quickly went looking for answers. Unfortunately, I found what I did not want to find.

To answer your question of how long have I been disengaged, not long, maybe a week. In fact, I am not sure what is going on. I broke contact with her about a week ago, after I found out that she was involved with other men. I needed the time/space without her to figure out what I needed to do to make things right for myself. We have only texted a few times this week, very brief texts and completely unemotional. She knows something is wrong, but I have not talked to her about my feelings, and I don't intend to. If I thought that it'd do some good, I'd be all in, but she's much too selfish and closed minded to see or accept any of her responsibility in the demise of our relationship. I looked for this woman for a long time, and I had extremely high hopes of what we could become upon finding her. All I now have is a disaster with a woman that I do not know and I cannot help. I love her; I have compassion for her; I am empathetic towards her; I pray that she finds happiness and relief... .but I will not destroy myself for her.

My strategy is just to slowly disappear, stop responding to communications from her until she gets the message. I don't want to address my leaving with her because I do not want to open up a line of extended communication between us. It would draw me right back in, and I cannot go back there. The push/pulls that I experienced with her almost crushed me emotionally. I feel guilty for what I am doing. I wouldn't want to be treated this way, but I cannot get back into anything with her again. I got to the end of the rainbow only to find out that the pot of gold doesn't exists.