Was your exBPD partner always negative?

[Climbmountains91]

Oh gawd. Mr Negative my ex is. Like exs: I asked him if he enjoyed time with his friends the day before or the night out he had say last week and he"ll say "sigh, yeah was alright, didnt like this or that though". Lately he said he wants to go to night classes and it would be really good for him then in the next breath its "its late at night though i don't think i could be bothered". Or he wants to go to AA meetings because of his alcohol issues and his worried about his health and that next breath its the cost when he could afford it. Every single thing always has a negative spin on it, if its not his standards he ent happy. Most of the time its "I've got MH problems i cant help it". Like his just excepted it, end of! Well if you got off your fat bum, woke up to reality and started helping yourself with therapy and that you would help it. Argh his so depressing.

[Turkish]

What I see here from peoples' comments is a lot of black and white thinking from their Exes. Mine would often talk about negativity and negative people... .negatively. After a few years, I came to the conclusion that underneath, she was one of the most negative people I'd ever known. I used to think, "ten people could be in a room having a good time, and then in she walks... ." Sure, she could sometimes be positive and happy, but like most of us, I was WoE in-between. What I realize now is that her negative view of the world was likely Projection.

My mistake was thinking I would be The One who could change that.

[Craydar]

Interesting topic. Does anybody suppose that the negativity is a reaction to the relationship?Or, is it a feature of the personality? No matter the answer, it is toxic.

This is an interesting point. I think we are lead to believe that the negativity is a result of their unhappiness in the relationship and with us. Everything being our fault, we are subjected to negativity. In truth, it is how they justify and cope with their own misery.

[Craydar]

What I see here from peoples' comments is a lot of black and white thinking from their Exes. Mine would often talk about negativity and negative people... .negatively. After a few years, I came to the conclusion that underneath, she was one of the most negative people I'd ever known. I used to think, "ten people could be in a room having a good time, and then in she walks... ." Sure, she could sometimes be positive and happy, but like most of us, I was WoE in-between. What I realize now is that her negative view of the world was likely Projection.

My mistake was thinking I would be The One who could change that.

Projecting was rampant with my uxBPDgf. Everyone else was f'ed up but she was an innocent victim. To your last point... .Nobody can change them. Anyone want to bet me that my replacement is going to have a good healty relationship with my ex?  Anyone?  No takers? Lol

[Turkish]

What I see here from peoples' comments is a lot of black and white thinking from their Exes. Mine would often talk about negativity and negative people... .negatively. After a few years, I came to the conclusion that underneath, she was one of the most negative people I'd ever known. I used to think, "ten people could be in a room having a good time, and then in she walks... ." Sure, she could sometimes be positive and happy, but like most of us, I was WoE in-between. What I realize now is that her negative view of the world was likely Projection.

My mistake was thinking I would be The One who could change that.

Projecting was rampant with my uxBPDgf. Everyone else was f'ed up but she was an innocent victim. To your last point... .Nobody can change them. Anyone want to bet me that my replacement is going to have a good healty relationship with my ex?  Anyone?  No takers? Lol

Relationship? Yes. Healthy? No. Were our relationships healthy though?

My Ex found a better emotional match. It could keep going for quite a while, no matter how me or ant one can objectively criticize him. That's what a lot of us struggle with, I think. I admit that I am still stuck on this point.

[aeoma]

My "ex" was never happy. Of course I discovered that after the love bombing phase. She always complained about something, in private with me by night, or by text during day. She is crazy rich but spends her free time in evenings and weekends doing extra administrative work for her father's company.  She always had something to do (like an obligation), like laundry, taking care of something in the house, of for friends she constantly criticized, even her closest friends.

She had a friend visiting her for the weekend, result: "I'm happy he left after two days, he's so messy, he put clothes all around the flat".

When I was happy to see my own friends during weekends, telling her our activities, how for example we relaxed at a spa, went to a salt swimming-pool, on her side her ski trips were boring because her best friend was boring during the train trip. Basically she was bored all the time.

The harder for me now is to see her mask at work where she's friendly with everybody, playing the perfect colleague, making cakes for birthday parties, even if I experienced her true self, when she said she hates birthdays celebrations, social gatherings which she forces herself to contribute to enforce her perfect public image.

I'm far from being a social guy, in fact I'm more of the monk type, but I have very good close friends (which saved me during the BU phase btw), and I'm not complaining about them.

[aeoma]

The only time she was happy was when we had an orgasm together at the same time, for her it was as her goal was achieved, it was so beautiful. Now I read a bit about it and understand sex was for her a control tool. The fact of having a good sex session and that I was pleased by her was a proof for her she had power over me.

[DangIthurts]

What I see here from peoples' comments is a lot of black and white thinking from their Exes. Mine would often talk about negativity and negative people... .negatively. After a few years, I came to the conclusion that underneath, she was one of the most negative people I'd ever known. I used to think, "ten people could be in a room having a good time, and then in she walks... ." Sure, she could sometimes be positive and happy, but like most of us, I was WoE in-between. What I realize now is that her negative view of the world was likely Projection.

My mistake was thinking I would be The One who could change that.

Projecting was rampant with my uxBPDgf. Everyone else was f'ed up but she was an innocent victim. To your last point... .Nobody can change them. Anyone want to bet me that my replacement is going to have a good healty relationship with my ex?  Anyone?  No takers? Lol

Relationship? Yes. Healthy? No. Were our relationships healthy though?

My Ex found a better emotional match. It could keep going for quite a while, no matter how me or ant one can objectively criticize him. That's what a lot of us struggle with, I think. I admit that I am still stuck on this point.

I think thats what would bug me I mean I know she can't keep the happiness going forever but if in 2 years she's with my replacement of 3weeks, I'd be bothered by that (hopefully I still don't care this much by then haha) but its more because worse BF's made it longer than I did, and to think I wasn't good enough to be kept around (how nuts is that to feel ). It would hurt me.

I'm trying to go at this whole situation with this thinking, if she's not being abused or something like she had for so long. I will be happy for her... I worry very much she'll fall back into accepting that as life and just take it. And that I cannot take. I can take replacements, ignoring me like I didn't exist, but the notion she's off getting hurt while I'm living it up... I don't want that for her.

[DangIthurts]

My "ex" was never happy. Of course I discovered that after the love bombing phase. She always complained about something, in private with me by night, or by text during day. She is crazy rich but spends her free time in evenings and weekends doing extra administrative work for her father's company.  She always had something to do (like an obligation), like laundry, taking care of something in the house, of for friends she constantly criticized, even her closest friends.

Same man like I'm reading my life haha minus the crazy rich part, everything besides us was an obligation lmao.

mine would berate and hate on just about any "friend" she had but once we broke up "besties" hanging out together they were all users though. Theyd use her because they were the definition of broke and she made money, and she'd use them when things went sour, but if things were good those people didn't exist or were made the butt of jokes, and ridicule in private.

always in pain from work, this co-worker or that one [wonder why she never got promoted or hired elsewhere in 10+ years] is a problem, I'm quitting soon... .

VERY negative.