Letter to mother/ any advise ?

[Depression = 72% of members]

No, we will not be stopping over on Friday nor any other day. You can convince yourself or anybody that will listen that you said, in a motherly tone that my jacket made my butt/tush look big/ fat. That it too tight around me or whatever else you want to say. The fact is I did hear you correctly- You shouted out the door as we were leaving "oh, and by the way you really are getting fat", then you walked a way from the door. Yes, Eli did hear you. Though it was not very nice and I do not condone that behavior in front of my children. I try to teach them if you do not have anything nice to say don't say it- keep it to yourself.


What really  upset me and stop  me in my tracks and think " Whoa" wait a minute- was the comment before leaving your house. The screaming how you protected me when I stole from a teacher. There was no possible reason for such a off the wall remark in front of my children. And that is not even the  story. I was and am guilty by association. I watched someone steal and did not tell. That was 32 year ago.


Your words only diminish me as a authoritative figure in my children lives and I can not have that. Tim and I are their parents and they need to listen and follow our rules. Weather you think they are fair and just is not my concern. I will not allow a negative force questioning Tim's and I parenting values.

I am a 44 year old adult, I want and need time away from this relationship. I am not obligated to visiting you each week when our schedule is already hectic to make you feel better. I am not obligated to take your phone calls every night because you want to say Hi to the kids.


I am stepping away from this relationship for the my own mental health. I will not be taking your phone calls or listening to your voicemails. I will not be stopping over at your house nor are you invited to stop at mine. I need time, space to sort though what I am feeling and what I am going to do about it.



 

[Enoughforme]

No, we will not be stopping over on Friday nor any other day. You can convince yourself or anybody that will listen that you said, in a motherly tone that my jacket made my butt/tush look big/ fat. That it too tight around me or whatever else you want to say. The fact is I did hear you correctly- You shouted out the door as we were leaving "oh, and by the way you really are getting fat", then you walked a way from the door. Yes, Eli did hear you. Though it was not very nice and I do not condone that behavior in front of my children. I try to teach them if you do not have anything nice to say don't say it- keep it to yourself.


What really  upset me and stop  me in my tracks and think " Whoa" wait a minute- was the comment before leaving your house. The screaming how you protected me when I stole from a teacher. There was no possible reason for such a off the wall remark in front of my children. And that is not even the  story. I was and am guilty by association. I watched someone steal and did not tell. That was 32 year ago.


Your words only diminish me as a authoritative figure in my children lives and I can not have that. Tim and I are their parents and they need to listen and follow our rules. Weather you think they are fair and just is not my concern. I will not allow a negative force questioning Tim's and I parenting values.

I am a 44 year old adult, I want and need time away from this relationship. I am not obligated to visiting you each week when our schedule is already hectic to make you feel better. I am not obligated to take your phone calls every night because you want to say Hi to the kids.


I am stepping away from this relationship for the my own mental health. I will not be taking your phone calls or listening to your voicemails. I will not be stopping over at your house nor are you invited to stop at mine. I need time, space to sort though what I am feeling and what I am going to do about it.



 

[Ziggiddy]

<applauding>

That's is a clear way to vent.

I guess the only advice I would give is to have your objective for writing your letter clearly in mind and then set your mind to accept whatever consequences are.

Me I didn't bother sending my uBPDm a letter because I thought it would just cause her to engage more. By withdrawing slowly and quietly she has less to point at.

Loo forward to seeing the final draught.

Ziggiddy

[Panda39]

Enoughforme

<applauding>

That's is a clear way to vent.

I guess the only advice I would give is to have your objective for writing your letter clearly in mind and then set your mind to accept whatever consequences are.

Me I didn't bother sending my uBPDm a letter because I thought it would just cause her to engage more. By withdrawing slowly and quietly she has less to point at.

Loo forward to seeing the final draught.

Ziggiddy

I think your letter is really good and it sounds like No Contact is the goal for the immediate future.  I do think Ziggiddy is right though initially you will probably have heavy push back.  But if you expect that and believe you can stick to your NC boundary then send the letter. One other thing to expect is that your mother will not validate the feelings you express in your letter so don't be disappointed when that doesn't happen.   

You could withdraw slowly and more quietly but sometimes it isn't about them it's about us and what we need to say to them.

Good Luck no matter how you withdraw and go NC it's gonna be hard but focus on you and your family sounds like you have a supportive hubby 

[amliving4me2]

Your mom does that too? My mom enjoys bringing-up my childhood transgressions, even though most of what she talks about is a half-truth, or has no-truth to it.  And, like you, she has no problem doing this in front of my husband and children.  I'm 39.  What's her point? Only to hurt me.  I think you are doing the right thing by putting space in your relationship with your mom.