my problem with no contact

[Infern0]

I have never had a problem with not reaching out.  I read a lot of people who can't control themselves from sending messages but I don't have that.

My problem is that when she contacts me I can't stop myself replying. I can hold it for a while but I'll always cave.

I don't know why she won't leave me alone,  it doesn't matter if I get split black she just comes back after a few days and then the whole cycle starts anew.

I said that we could be friends but she always pushes it beyond even though still with replacement. 

I've told her look you aren't leaving him so let's just be friends ok and she's like ok but soon enough it's "I've got feelings for you" and I'm like what you gonna do about it she's like "dunno"

It really winds me up.

Options I've presented

1. Be just friends

2. Dump him and I'll give it one more try

3. Leave me alone

She can't do either.

My question is why? What's the point of it all,  she says she has these feelings and they don't go away.  But it's push pull all the damn time. I just want some sort of resolution where I can be like ok,  this is the plan.

Oh yeah and I'm incapable of abandoning her at this stage just don't have it in me.

[Blimblam]

Have you checked out the staying board inferno?  The tools and insight you might gain their may be more useful than the leaving board.

[hergestridge]

Why she won't leave you alone?

Being a borderline person she has a problem with consistency. She has very poor control over her feelings. If I leave a partner and hook up with a new one, I may occasionally think of the good times I had with my ex partner. For a borderline person, thinking this will bring on feelings so overwhelming that they feel the urge to contact the ex partner and communicate this, which gives temporary relief. Then the feeling is gone and then the borderline person has zero interest in the ex partner again, until the feeling returns.

This behavior is humiliating and confusing both for the ex partner and for the borderline person's new partner of course.

[Infern0]

Why she won't leave you alone?

Being a borderline person she has a problem with consistency. She has very poor control over her feelings. If I leave a partner and hook up with a new one, I may occasionally think of the good times I had with my ex partner. For a borderline person, thinking this will bring on feelings so overwhelming that they feel the urge to contact the ex partner and communicate this, which gives temporary relief. Then the feeling is gone and then the borderline person has zero interest in the ex partner again, until the feeling returns.

This behavior is humiliating and confusing both for the ex partner and for the borderline person's new partner of course.

Well what am I supposed to do about it?  She keeps telling me she still loves me and it's getting more intense

[hergestridge]

Why she won't leave you alone?

Being a borderline person she has a problem with consistency. She has very poor control over her feelings. If I leave a partner and hook up with a new one, I may occasionally think of the good times I had with my ex partner. For a borderline person, thinking this will bring on feelings so overwhelming that they feel the urge to contact the ex partner and communicate this, which gives temporary relief. Then the feeling is gone and then the borderline person has zero interest in the ex partner again, until the feeling returns.

This behavior is humiliating and confusing both for the ex partner and for the borderline person's new partner of course.

Well what am I supposed to do about it?  She keeps telling me she still loves me and it's getting more intense

I know it's easier said than done, but you have to face up to the fact that her love for you if a fleeting impulse, not a consistent feeling.

True love is not a thing in the moment. Not a thing for comfort or a something that happens when you're hungry or sad.

You're worthy of adult love. Stop replying.

[bunnyrabit]

It's just what they do, my ex never really let go of any of her exes, constantly talking about them, calling them, meeting up... .So why would I be any different. My guess is that don't want to let go of a secured supply, simple as that, it's just easier than finding and securing a new one... .It's sick and utterly selfish.

I recycled with mine a few months ago but she never quit sleeping with my replacement and she told me a few times that she didn't even intended to do so. At first she made somewhat of an effort to quit seeing him but it got worse and worse.

On monday she called me from his place to tell me that she loves me but in the same breath saying that she was gonna spend another night with him anyway. This is were I drew the line... .I sent her a goodbye text, yanked the sim card out of my phone and got a new phone number.

I'm done.

[Craydar]

I have never had a problem with not reaching out.  I read a lot of people who can't control themselves from sending messages but I don't have that.

My problem is that when she contacts me I can't stop myself replying. I can hold it for a while but I'll always cave.

I don't know why she won't leave me alone,  it doesn't matter if I get split black she just comes back after a few days and then the whole cycle starts anew.

I said that we could be friends but she always pushes it beyond even though still with replacement. 

I've told her look you aren't leaving him so let's just be friends ok and she's like ok but soon enough it's "I've got feelings for you" and I'm like what you gonna do about it she's like "dunno"

It really winds me up.

Options I've presented

1. Be just friends

2. Dump him and I'll give it one more try

3. Leave me alone

She can't do either.

My question is why? What's the point of it all,  she says she has these feelings and they don't go away.  But it's push pull all the damn time. I just want some sort of resolution where I can be like ok,  this is the plan.

Oh yeah and I'm incapable of abandoning her at this stage just don't have it in me.

A few questions, if you don't mind... .

How long were you together?

Why did she leave?

How long had she been with the other guy?

How long before she contacted you the first time after your breakup?

Thanks!

[Deeno02]

No problem here. Havent heard from her in over 2 months. Im good with that... .

[Infern0]

I have never had a problem with not reaching out.  I read a lot of people who can't control themselves from sending messages but I don't have that.

My problem is that when she contacts me I can't stop myself replying. I can hold it for a while but I'll always cave.

I don't know why she won't leave me alone,  it doesn't matter if I get split black she just comes back after a few days and then the whole cycle starts anew.

I said that we could be friends but she always pushes it beyond even though still with replacement. 

I've told her look you aren't leaving him so let's just be friends ok and she's like ok but soon enough it's "I've got feelings for you" and I'm like what you gonna do about it she's like "dunno"

It really winds me up.

Options I've presented

1. Be just friends

2. Dump him and I'll give it one more try

3. Leave me alone

She can't do either.

My question is why? What's the point of it all,  she says she has these feelings and they don't go away.  But it's push pull all the damn time. I just want some sort of resolution where I can be like ok,  this is the plan.

Oh yeah and I'm incapable of abandoning her at this stage just don't have it in me.

A few questions, if you don't mind... .

How long were you together?

Why did she leave?

How long had she been with the other guy?

How long before she contacted you the first time after your breakup?

Thanks!

Together 7 months,  after 6 months friends

She left after we had some arguments etc because I didn't really understand her behaviour and we kept falling out and there was fault on both sides I guess. I consulted a relationship "expert" who gave me the advice of "let her miss you" so I withdrew.  Worst advise ever in the case of a borderline (i didn't know about BPD at the time and thought she was playing games or being immature)

She been with other guy 3 months

She contacted me after 4 days,  emotional affair began after 1 month,  physical affair after 3 months. we have never really had NC. 

[Blimblam]

Inferno do you want to detach?

[Craydar]

Together 7 months,  after 6 months friends

She left after we had some arguments etc because I didn't really understand her behaviour and we kept falling out and there was fault on both sides I guess. I consulted a relationship "expert" who gave me the advice of "let her miss you" so I withdrew.  Worst advise ever in the case of a borderline (i didn't know about BPD at the time and thought she was playing games or being immature)

She been with other guy 3 months

She contacted me after 4 days,  emotional affair began after 1 month,  physical affair after 3 months. we have never really had NC. 

Interesting about the relationship coach recommendation. They don't get pwBPD. In fact mine said "dump her, who needs that?" I said that I did and that didn't compute with his one size fits all program.

Our issues are similar. I knew she met a new guy and once she started to dis me, I just walked away. I also thought backing off would help. No contact for 2 months now. I'm assuming she's still idolizing the new guy so what's the point? Any recommendations on how to contact and what to say?

[DangIthurts]

LOL I have that same problem, might stem from being raised a certain way... .Heck I even respond to people I have no desire to talk to, probably because I feel like if I were to send something I'd want a response.

Same way. If I got contacted I'd cave at some point.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Yep same.

She wont go without at least a little over a week talking to me.

Sporadic texting on both ends for days on end.

Then its like we run out of ___ to talk about.

Some more days without talking and then... she texts... i cave... repeat.

Sick of this tbh... but i have this unconditional love for her with her being my first.

In conflict with this she has this conditional love for me with me being one of many.

Its like were from two different worlds and it reminds me deeply of the tragic archetype of the starcrossed lovers.

Shes my muse, inspires me like no other woman has especially in my art. I drew probably one of the best realism pieces in a long time last night of her.

Tempted to give it to her/text her a pic of it... and thus the cycle perpetuates.

[DangIthurts]

but i have this unconditional love for her with her being my first.



In conflict with this she has this conditional love for me with me being one of many.

Its like were from two different worlds and it reminds me deeply of the tragic archetype of the starcrossed lovers.

Shes my muse, inspires me like no other woman has especially in my art. I drew probably one of the best realism pieces in a long time last night of her.

Tempted to give it to her/text her a pic of it... and thus the cycle perpetuates.

I would give you this advice her being your first is what is clouding the situation... .I can admit I probably have some codependent traits that fed this, but the bottom line is if shes your first and hopefully you're a young guy. Then get out there man, more will come... .I had a half decade relationship with a non BPD and when that ended I thought my life was falling apart, it moved on, I made tons of progress and shocker I'm in better shape than that girl is now .

But I totally get not being able to not respond. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, I've been strung out by girls badly tying to do right or give them chances usually they end up keeping you around till something else is official. Thats far uglier than what I'm going through now, so I guess as much as it hurts that I probably mean nothing and never will again to her, or hear from her... .Its far better than being strung out and get every last ounce they can before they walk.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

but i have this unconditional love for her with her being my first.



In conflict with this she has this conditional love for me with me being one of many.

Its like were from two different worlds and it reminds me deeply of the tragic archetype of the starcrossed lovers.

Shes my muse, inspires me like no other woman has especially in my art. I drew probably one of the best realism pieces in a long time last night of her.

Tempted to give it to her/text her a pic of it... and thus the cycle perpetuates.

I would give you this advice her being your first is what is clouding the situation... .I can admit I probably have some codependent traits that fed this, but the bottom line is if shes your first and hopefully you're a young guy. Then get out there man, more will come... .I had a half decade relationship with a non BPD and when that ended I thought my life was falling apart, it moved on, I made tons of progress and shocker I'm in better shape than that girl is now .

But I totally get not being able to not respond. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, I've been strung out by girls badly tying to do right or give them chances usually they end up keeping you around till something else is official. Thats far uglier than what I'm going through now, so I guess as much as it hurts that I probably mean nothing and never will again to her, or hear from her... .Its far better than being strung out and get every last ounce they can before they walk.

Yea i totally get what youre saying man. I know its definitely the big factor into why i keep letting myself get strung along. But then its like well maybe im not getting strung along... and i convince myself that she feels the way i do and shes just "scared" for things to go back to the way they were. Ill never really know her true intentions though i suppose.

Im just about to turn 21 on the 27th so i guess im in my "prime". I just have no desire to put myself out there anymore. Its a combination of fear and honestly disinterest in anyone else. Even with all the ___ she caused me, at the end of the day i can see past the disorder to the caring girl whos struggling. We both been through similar abuse so in that way i can understand because i can see alot of how i used to be in her when i was untreated.(Im dNPD) Our relationship really was the motivation to make myself change. Just wished shed of followed suite as this was a big thing we were both wanting to work towards.

Regardless what i dont get is if she is in this for selfish reasons why she wants to talk about the things i like just to make conversation. Things shes revealed shes hated. Youd think itd be all about her.

[DangIthurts]

but i have this unconditional love for her with her being my first.



In conflict with this she has this conditional love for me with me being one of many.

Its like were from two different worlds and it reminds me deeply of the tragic archetype of the starcrossed lovers.

Shes my muse, inspires me like no other woman has especially in my art. I drew probably one of the best realism pieces in a long time last night of her.

Tempted to give it to her/text her a pic of it... and thus the cycle perpetuates.

I would give you this advice her being your first is what is clouding the situation... .I can admit I probably have some codependent traits that fed this, but the bottom line is if shes your first and hopefully you're a young guy. Then get out there man, more will come... .I had a half decade relationship with a non BPD and when that ended I thought my life was falling apart, it moved on, I made tons of progress and shocker I'm in better shape than that girl is now .

But I totally get not being able to not respond. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, I've been strung out by girls badly tying to do right or give them chances usually they end up keeping you around till something else is official. Thats far uglier than what I'm going through now, so I guess as much as it hurts that I probably mean nothing and never will again to her, or hear from her... .Its far better than being strung out and get every last ounce they can before they walk.

Yea i totally get what youre saying man. I know its definitely the big factor into why i keep letting myself get strung along. But then its like well maybe im not getting strung along... and i convince myself that she feels the way i do and shes just "scared" for things to go back to the way they were. Ill never really know her true intentions though i suppose.

Im just about to turn 21 on the 27th so i guess im in my "prime". I just have no desire to put myself out there anymore. Its a combination of fear and honestly disinterest in anyone else. Even with all the ___ she caused me, at the end of the day i can see past the disorder to the caring girl whos struggling. We both been through similar abuse so in that way i can understand because i can see alot of how i used to be in her when i was untreated.(Im dNPD) Our relationship really was the motivation to make myself change. Just wished shed of followed suite as this was a big thing we were both wanting to work towards.

Regardless what i dont get is if she is in this for selfish reasons why she wants to talk about the things i like just to make conversation. Things shes revealed shes hated. Youd think itd be all about her.

LOL I was still playing 360 back when I was your age... .You've got tons of time to meet other people, you may sit on your butt alone for a few years, but poof one short one pops up then a few others than like me I stumbled onto her... .And here I am.

You could go a month with nobody or you could 5-10 years with nobody its really up to you, which why its constantly preached around here focus on yourself and I'd say do positive things. Since technically you two aren't in a relationship if I understand your current status correctly, I'd say keep your options open maybe try and get out there and see if you click with other people... But try and stay positive, and this is coming from someone whose having a terrible time at it... But I'm eating healthy, probably exercising too much [both maybe forms of positive destructive behavior] but do something so if she vanishes like mine, you aren't left like US. Who are just at a loss for words as the entire world collapses.

So just try to have a backup and if she wants to have that talk or even if every few months you ask about reconnecting you're focusing on yourself.

[Craydar]

Is stringing you along until something better comes along (when I say better I cringe) and then dumping/discarding you a BPD or other PD trait? I'm under the assumption that you just need to be selfish, self-centered, and immature to do that. 

[DangIthurts]

Is stringing you along until something better comes along (when I say better I cringe) and then dumping/discarding you a BPD or other PD trait? I'm under the assumption that you just need to be selfish, self-centered, and immature to do that. 

I gave you an answer in the other thread  but since you worded it a little different let me give you my personal take... .

I don't think i could stick around if I saw guys hitting on her, etc. I think I have enough balls to walk from that, but if she wanted to come back and be exclusive I'd hop on the BPD train right this second. 100% honest. As its just where my head is... .Stinging along I just don't see them being capable of that outside something like me allowing her to break boundaries like the one I just said I wouldn't deal with above.

I know the BPD guys say what I'm getting just straight no contact (it will be a month in 6 days, the longest I've gone ever without speaking  to her in 20hrs and thats only because the two times within the month I spoke with her... .SO she's not actively engaged me since almost a month ago), but I can tell you I'd much rather he seem to care and try to sort it out than vanish like I meant nothing... .Because I truly look at the situation like, Ring, future, cars, all the effort and really caring about her being successful and happy, meant absolutely nothing, a big fat 0... .And that is something I'm having a very hard time with, because I wanted to see her happy and be around for that... .

Shoot I did 13 miles today and tried to listen to a new song I was about 3 miles in and I leave it on repeat and realized even on full blast my own thoughts were drowning out the music thats how much I'm in my own head.

[Rise]

But it's push pull all the damn time. I just want some sort of resolution where I can be like ok,  this is the plan.

Infern0, you've been here long enough I'm going to be a bit blunt here. I think this isn't working because you're not willing to make a choice. You keep looking to her to decide. As you said, she's either not capable or not willing to make that decision. That means it falls to you. As long as you keep being a passive observer in your life, things aren't going to get better. If you want a plan for what's going to happen in your life, YOU have to make it. At some point, if you want things to change, you're going to have to step up and make the decision yourself. Waiting for her to choose is just going to lead to more of what you've been going through. This is your life. Take control of it. If you want to continue down this path, that's fine. I'm not going to judge you. If you aren't happy with how things are going and want to move on, that's okay too. But whatever happens, remember that it's your life. The only one with the power to change things in it is you.