My BPDw's latest form of chaos and also another way to escape family

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We all can have busy lives. We can get busy with professional obligations. We can get busy with things around our home or apartment. While we can get busy, we usually devote time for personal things along with family. The only reason why I bring this up is because my BPDw and her D18 are busy with their university studies. My BPDw also works.

Now that Thanksgiving is next week and seeing that both my BPDw and her D18 have final exams in mid-December, my BPDw proclaimed that she at least and probably her D18 will not be attending Thanksgiving to meet and eat with their side of the family, that even though I have my own busy schedule, I know the importance of family, that I make time for family for special events. Special events each year are special, because they never come again.

My BPDw said to me that I can "represent her side of the family". She did say that once Christmas is here, that she will make it an attempt to attend a Christmas event with her side of the family. Frankly, considering how obsessive she is with her studies, that possibility is only 50%.

After all is said and done, this is just another latest form of chaos and also another way to escape family. BTW, my BPDw was the one who lost the most special person in her life - her other D at 7 1/2 over 15 years ago due to a mosquito bite.

[Samuel S.]

We all can have busy lives. We can get busy with professional obligations. We can get busy with things around our home or apartment. While we can get busy, we usually devote time for personal things along with family. The only reason why I bring this up is because my BPDw and her D18 are busy with their university studies. My BPDw also works.

Now that Thanksgiving is next week and seeing that both my BPDw and her D18 have final exams in mid-December, my BPDw proclaimed that she at least and probably her D18 will not be attending Thanksgiving to meet and eat with their side of the family, that even though I have my own busy schedule, I know the importance of family, that I make time for family for special events. Special events each year are special, because they never come again.

My BPDw said to me that I can "represent her side of the family". She did say that once Christmas is here, that she will make it an attempt to attend a Christmas event with her side of the family. Frankly, considering how obsessive she is with her studies, that possibility is only 50%.

After all is said and done, this is just another latest form of chaos and also another way to escape family. BTW, my BPDw was the one who lost the most special person in her life - her other D at 7 1/2 over 15 years ago due to a mosquito bite.

[Samuel S.]

Now, my BPDw says that if she finishes up on her studies, then, she will attend Thanksgiving. I think it is all based on her moods and how she perceives things.

Also, to add the chaos that she likes to provide, my father's cousin sent me some photos of my father and my mother along with a family tree. It was so very nice of my father's cousin to do this, and I was enthralled by the items sent. So, I shared these things with my BPDw who only was able to react by saying how false my mother supposedly was with her. My BPDw claimed way back when that my mother told her at the convalescent home, that she should date and marry someone else. My mother never said anything like that to me. So, it is difficult to determine if my BPDw is making this up or what. All I know is that if that actually took place, that was 15 years ago, and my mother has passed away.

I guess I have to be selective as to what I do, share, and say with my BPDw. Also, she just likes to keep her distance that much more so, and this is another way to escape family and intimacy!

[Perdita]

Now, my BPDw says that if she finishes up on her studies, then, she will attend Thanksgiving. I think it is all based on her moods and how she perceives things.

Lots of people will be taking a break from their studies to celebrate TG with their loved ones.  It's not too much to expect her to do the same.  She knew TG was coming and could have scheduled her studies better so that she could have done some extra work in order to take 1 day off.  Yes, I think you are right.  Mood related.

My BPDw claimed way back when that my mother told her at the convalescent home, that she should date and marry someone else. My mother never said anything like that to me. So, it is difficult to determine if my BPDw is making this up or what. All I know is that if that actually took place, that was 15 years ago, and my mother has passed away.

Or your mom was a smart woman that saw heartache down the road for you with this woman?

I guess I have to be selective as to what I do, share, and say with my BPDw. Also, she just likes to keep her distance that much more so, and this is another way to escape family and intimacy!

That just kills me in so many ways. You shouldn't have to be selective.  We shouldn't have to be!  Having a partner in life means sharing and caring.  We should be able to share things that are special to us with them.  I know exactly what you mean though.  I've felt this way many times myself. It is crushing when you are all excited about something, share it with them and then BOOM!

[Samuel S.]

Perdita, I needed to be selective last night, or else, my BPDw and I would have gotten into a major argument. A little background is needed. For the last 15 years, I have put money into a college fund for her now D18. My BPDw makes way more money than I, but my retirement is good to take care of this fund, the mortgage payments, and some other bills. She pays the credit card bill for basic things, like gas and food. She brought up some time ago about how it was very good planning on our parts to start this college fund for her D18. I agreed, and she said that whether I would pay it or if she were to pay it, the money is there for her D18. I said that it took the both of us to support her D18.

Well, she didn't like that, and she decided to create an argument after the latest credit card bill arrived yesterday. She evidently did not like that I had to buy tires for my car and put the charge on the credit card for which I said I was going to pay off. She then brought up how we had that earlier discussion about her D18's college fund. I said to her that I feel bad that I can't make as much money as she does, for which she said that we all make choices. So long as we are happy, that is all that counts. Well, if that were the case, why did she bring this up in the first place when the previous conversation about her D18's college fund was resolved, that she and I have been working together? It is just her ego getting in the way!

I could have easily brought up some really nasty comments that she has made, but that would have only created more chaos and less peace. So, I settled to say good night, she went out for a short walk, and I went to bed.

Yeah, I do wish to share and to care with my BPDw as you do; however, our BPDs are the extremely sensitive, egotistical, and very insensitive people who cannot understand others due to being so immersed in themselves!

[Perdita]

Perdita, I needed to be selective last night, or else, my BPDw and I would have gotten into a major argument.

Glad for you that you were able to avoid a big argument.  Sometimes I wonder though if we don't shut up for the sake of keeping the peace too often?  I feel that I do.

A little background is needed. For the last 15 years, I have put money into a college fund for her now D18. My BPDw makes way more money than I, but my retirement is good to take care of this fund, the mortgage payments, and some other bills. She pays the credit card bill for basic things, like gas and food. She brought up some time ago about how it was very good planning on our parts to start this college fund for her D18. I agreed, and she said that whether I would pay it or if she were to pay it, the money is there for her D18. I said that it took the both of us to support her D18.

Seems like a good arrangement to me. Why do you think she became upset at what you said?  Sounds like you were stating the obvious.

Well, she didn't like that, and she decided to create an argument after the latest credit card bill arrived yesterday. She evidently did not like that I had to buy tires for my car and put the charge on the credit card for which I said I was going to pay off. She then brought up how we had that earlier discussion about her D18's college fund. I said to her that I feel bad that I can't make as much money as she does, for which she said that we all make choices. So long as we are happy, that is all that counts. Well, if that were the case, why did she bring this up in the first place when the previous conversation about her D18's college fund was resolved, that she and I have been working together? It is just her ego getting in the way!

Is possible that earning a bigger income makes her feel in control of the relationship and that's why she didn't like it when you pointed out your contributions?

I could have easily brought up some really nasty comments that she has made, but that would have only created more chaos and less peace. So, I settled to say good night, she went out for a short walk, and I went to bed.

You proably did the best thing and so did she by going for a walk.  It's just a pity that we have to bite our tongues so often.

Yeah, I do wish to share and to care with my BPDw as you do; however, our BPDs are the extremely sensitive, egotistical, and very insensitive people who cannot understand others due to being so immersed in themselves!

We don't live together (thank goodness) but he pays when we go out for meals.  I feel this is fair as I do his cleaning up, dishes, laundry, ironing, home cooking etc.  Even with him paying for our restaurant meals, I am still cheaper than a maid and always order the cheapest thing on the menu.  He doesn't understand why it angers me that he won't speak up and demand that his fantasy girl pay him back the thousands she owes him.  Nor can he understand why I hate it that he takes her out for meals and she always goes for the most expensive thing on the menu (does this with all the guys).  For the first 9 months of our r/s she was living with him and every Saturday and Sunday he would take her to breakfast and pay for it.  She even had the cheek to repeatedly charge her groceries to his card.  Never did anything for him.  The times she did cook she would make him pay for ALL the ingredients in exchange for a small portion.  Keep in mind that the cow already charged the groceries to his card and then he still goes and pays for it AGAIN! I can go on and on.  Can't stand it that someone like that gets rewarded while I actually work for my meals. 

Money can be huge in a r/s and a very difficult topic to navigate.  Then again, I am finding all topics difficult to navigate with mine.  Haven't seen him in 10 days and not sure I ever want to again.

[Samuel S.]

Yeah, I shut up as well just to keep the peace, and my BPDw knows that I do my best to avoid arguments, because my parents argued so much when I was younger.

Your point is well taken that money can be a major factor in relationships. As "modern" as she seems to be, she is very "traditional". She will not admit it, but she prefers the male, me, to be the major breadwinner. As for me declaring that I have contributed money for her D18, it has always been with the understanding that my BPDw is doing her best to earn money, and so am I. It is a matter of control, because she definitely has male issues. Her father was passive while her mother was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. Her first husband in her words was a "sperm donor" to provide 2 daughters, but he was very traditional expecting her to take care of the daughters. In the meantime, he would work and go to meetings at night. So, here I am, a loving, caring, supportive guy who has been here for her, but her past issues are catching up to her. Even with her "counseling" by a so-called "medium", my BPDw is acting out against me, anyway.

Perdita, what are you doing for you? It is important for you to take care of yourself when it is rather obvious he is a user. I thoroughly understand why you are mad with him and that you don't want to see him; however, there must be some sort of connection between you and him. I feel the same way, but darn it, I am hurt, angry, sad, frustrated not only at her, but for me being a fool to remain. My friends and one of my daughters basically have said the same thing to me in different ways. I know I deserve better, but making that step of leaving is a hard one to make. What about you? How do you rid yourself of him, or do you want to?

[Samuel S.]

Things seemed to be going okay until today. I did shopping. I did the laundry. I did some sweeping. Then, today came. We did an errand this morning, and we came back. I got a little irritated with her while I was driving, because my BPDw wanted me to drive faster like she does which is faster than the speed limit and cut off a truck. I tactfully said that I was driving and to leave it at that. I was going the speed limit. BTW, she is the one who got a speeding ticket, and I never have.

Afterward, I agreed to pick up some food for my BPDw and her fellow employees. It turns out that there are 2 restaurants with similar names. I went to the wrong one and picked up similar food she requested. When I returned, she was mad at me, which I deserved. I apologized several times, because it is difficult for her to hear anything when she is mad; however, she just continued by saying that she doesn't want me to do anything for her anymore. Then, she said: "I'll get over it". During her lunch break, she continued being verbally abusive and really went overboard. She said that I should not ask her every day, if I could do anything for her, that she is capable to do things for herself, etc., etc. So, she made a mountain out of a mole hill.

I felt bad enough that I made this error. I apologized. I said I would get the food from the correct restaurant, but she then said she would pick it up on the way to work. I felt smaller than an ant, and I still feel that way. I am just going to keep my distance.

[Perdita]

Things seemed to be going okay until today. I did shopping. I did the laundry. I did some sweeping. Then, today came.

Why does it always feel to me that when we do these tasks it isn't just about contributing, but about keeping the peace?  I always felt that I was trying so hard to show him that I had some value in his life by doing as much for him as I possibly could.  Do you ever catch youself feeling this way?

We did an errand this morning, and we came back. I got a little irritated with her while I was driving, because my BPDw wanted me to drive faster like she does which is faster than the speed limit and cut off a truck. I tactfully said that I was driving and to leave it at that. I was going the speed limit. BTW, she is the one who got a speeding ticket, and I never have.

This is pretty much standard BPD behaviour.  A lot of them like to speed.  You should see the pile of fines mine has.  He gets about 3-4 per month and he never pays them.

Afterward, I agreed to pick up some food for my BPDw and her fellow employees. It turns out that there are 2 restaurants with similar names. I went to the wrong one and picked up similar food she requested. When I returned, she was mad at me, which I deserved. I apologized several times, because it is difficult for her to hear anything when she is mad; however, she just continued by saying that she doesn't want me to do anything for her anymore.

It was a mistake.  We are human and we are allowed to make mistakes. 

I've noticed that nons aren't really allowed to make mistakes.  I think they almost enjoy it when we do.  It's gives them another opportunity to tell us that we aren't perfect either.  Quite possibly this is related to their own insecurities?  They berate us to make sure we never forget how imperfect we are.  You had that speeding thing earlier in the day and that might have triggered her to over react when you came back from the wrong restaurant. I don't know.  Just my thoughts.  You said it was similar food, so it really shouldn't have upset her this much.

Then, she said: "I'll get over it". During her lunch break, she continued being verbally abusive and really went overboard. She said that I should not ask her every day, if I could do anything for her, that she is capable to do things for herself, etc., etc. So, she made a mountain out of a mole hill.

Guilt trip much?  I don't think it is that much about her being "capable" of doing for herself.  Sounds a bit like she wants you to feel that what you have done up to now hasn't been good enough and she is better off doing things for herself. Now you feel worthless and I bet you will try even harder in the future, right?  This is where the whole walking on eggshells thing comes into play.

I felt bad enough that I made this error. I apologized. I said I would get the food from the correct restaurant, but she then said she would pick it up on the way to work. I felt smaller than an ant, and I still feel that way. I am just going to keep my distance.

You are reacting exactly the way she wants you to.  Is it really such a big deal that the food isn't exactly what she wanted?  Let me ask you this, do you think a reasonable person would have reacted the way she did?  Or would a reasonable person have said that the food is so similiar that it really isn't a big deal at all.  Maybe even take a bit of responsibility for the mix up?

[Perdita]

It is a matter of control, because she definitely has male issues. Her father was passive while her mother was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive.

She probably wants you to be the big strong male and not passive like her father was.  Sad when people become like their negative parent.  She has become like her mother.  I'm sure that would horrify her if she had to take a long hard look at herself.  No one wants to be like that parent that made their life hell.

So, here I am, a loving, caring, supportive guy who has been here for her, but her past issues are catching up to her. Even with her "counseling" by a so-called "medium", my BPDw is acting out against me, anyway.

I'm sorry that she can't appreciate what she has in you.  It's hard to deal with, I know.

Perdita, what are you doing for you? It is important for you to take care of yourself when it is rather obvious he is a user. I thoroughly understand why you are mad with him and that you don't want to see him; however, there must be some sort of connection between you and him. I feel the same way, but darn it, I am hurt, angry, sad, frustrated not only at her, but for me being a fool to remain. My friends and one of my daughters basically have said the same thing to me in different ways. I know I deserve better, but making that step of leaving is a hard one to make. What about you? How do you rid yourself of him, or do you want to?

I don't know 100% yet.  The biggest part of me really has had enough and I can see this in the fact that I find myself not really missing him at all.  It has been 2 weeks today since I last saw or spoke to him.  He is still on reject on my phone even though he has phoned numerous times.  I keep my phone offline about 23/24.  Don't want to hear his voice or see his face at this point.

Like you I am also "hurt, angry, sad, frustrated".  In total I must have easily written 100 pages worth of letters to him over the past year expressing how his obsession with his fantasy girl hurts me.  If she was this great gal I'd be doing my best to be at that same level, to improve myself and be worthy.  She is a low-life though (he probably thinks he deserves someone like that) and how do I "compete" with that? 

Yes, I agree with you about feeling like a fool for staying as long as I have.  I hate him for worshipping an alcoholic drug using tramp, but then I also wonder what I am doing with someone who can't appreciate what he has in me and thinks someone like that is more deserving of his love.

[Samuel S.]

The emotional rollercoaster was in high gear the last couple of days from wondering if my BPDw was going to change her mind about attending a Thanksgiving family get-together and about if she wanted to take me out for dinner for my birthday this evening. She originally said no to everything. Then, she said yes to both. Then, she got on my case for making an error of getting a food order from a restaurant with a similar name, serving the same Japanese food. Then, she told me that this is minor. Then, she started putting down my side of the family. Then, during dinner tonight at the restaurant, she tried to bring up the restaurant error on my part. I didn't respond to her laughing. Then, when she saw I was not going to say anything in response, she quickly changed the subject.

Yeah, shutting up, even though I felt embarrassed enough and even though she already had made it a big issue, worked. If I say something, I will pay for it dearly with her remembering every word that I would speak up for myself. If I don't say something which is my norm, I just hope she can get exhausted enough talking and being verbally abusive, that she will stop eventually. Then, I feel very hurt, abused. So, I am dammed if I do and dammed if I don't.

Now this current series of chaotic events is over, now, she can go back to her studies.