Broke my own rules but may have had insight

[K1313]

I only found out about my mother's BPD in the last year and so I'm still working out some of the best ways to handle my relationship with her and the ways to break my own patterns with her. I started going back to a cognitive behavioral therapist to help me work through all this.

There are a million different things that I'm trying to work on or anticipate when it comes to my mother (which is exhausting, to say the least). Something I've known for many years (but only recently realized is connected to the BPD) is that if I open up to my mother at all, she will do two things: 1. She'll repeat what I've told her to someone. Usually my (possibly uBPD - possibly just a jerk) brother but sometimes casual acquaintences or even total strangers. 2. At some point she will find some way to use what I told her against me - she'll throw it in my face or tease me about it (despite her ardent claims that she hates teasing, boy does she love to tease. If I tell her that she's hurting my feelings she tells me I'm "too sensitive".

Well, yesterday I made the mistake of opening up the tiniest bit with her on the phone. I asked her something about her perception of me (which, even as I prepared to do it, my brain was screaming at me not to) and she managed to hit hard within seconds. She implied that my separation from my husband (we separated for a year and reconciled over a year ago and our relationship is better than it ever was) was driven by the fault of this particular character flaw. Ah, mother's love. It stings like no other... .

But then later that night, after 9pm, she called me. I was with my husband and when he saw her name come up on my phone, I could see him tense up and that he didn't want me to answer but she so rarely calls that late at night. I was worried. She had a major stroke two years ago, has type 2 diabetes (which she does not treat) and high blood pressure and so I do worry about her health a lot. So I answered. She was fine but sniffly and tearful without really having a specific reason for it other than her life is "really hard" (yes, she's had a rough run of it it but it seems like she's always having a rough run of it). I managed to get off the phone in 10 minutes but not before she revealed she had discussed our earlier conversation (about my "personality defects" - or she might have said "character flaws" with my brother. I tried to play it down like it didn't matter to me "oh yeah? What'd he have to say?" And she laughed at me, said something about "go get a 'real friend' to tell you", said she loved me and hung up.

Um... .What?

So my husband came back into the room and I told him what had happened and he suggested something that has never ever occurred to me. He said that my mother is likely all too aware that I worry about her and that, if she calls late enough, I will answer it for that reason and then she can get the attention she wants. He also suggested that this particular call was probably driven by our earlier conversation - that she sensed an opening or a weakness and decided to exploit it.

I feel pretty discouraged. I made so much progress in distancing myself and protecting myself but it feels like two steps forward, one step back. I know that this is a process and that I've only been making this concentrated effort as it relates to the BP within the last 4-5 months but I just want it to be over. I want to finish mourning for my childhood and the loss of a motherly relationship that I will never get to have. It's one day at a time, I know but... .I'm just exhausted with it. I'm tired of thinking about it and processing it.

[Turkish]

So my husband came back into the room and I told him what had happened and he suggested something that has never ever occurred to me. He said that my mother is likely all too aware that I worry about her and that, if she calls late enough, I will answer it for that reason and then she can get the attention she wants. He also suggested that this particular call was probably driven by our earlier conversation - that she sensed an opening or a weakness and decided to exploit it.

Your concerns about her health are valid, but in this case, she's playing upon that, acting as the waif who needs to be rescued. "Life is too hard."

Can you set down a clear boundary that you will not answer her calls after a certain time, and then stick to this? She will probably test you, but when your boundary remains firm, her behavior may alter accordingly, not to say that she will switch to some other tactic.

[nicolin]

It's great that you are doing so much work to figure out how to live and deal with your mom;  I applaud you for that!  I think what your husband said is very insightful and probably true.  You are lucky to have someone in your life who can help you recognize things that maybe you are too close to the situation to see. 

I hope that at some point rather than be discouraged by revelations, you can be buoyed by them because you are determined to learn from them in the hopes of avoiding the same mistakes later.  I think that if we look at each "step back" that we can choose to let the disappointment hold us back, or learn from it so that we can keep taking steps forward.

I agree with Turkish that she could (and probably will) switch to other tactics anytime you set boundaries, but you'll need to learn from those when you realize them, as well.  Unfortunately this is what it is like dealing with a BPD.  I wish you much luck in your journey toward understanding and healing.

[bubblegirl]

I would like to reframe your experience a bit, see it it rings true for you.   

Instead of a step back, this reads like a step forward.  You had the insight & intuition to know that what you were saying as you opened up was probably not a good idea, and therefore you were not surprised by her reaction (lashing out at you).  You did answer the phone but kept it short, only 10 mins.  Afterwards you talked it over with a support person and gained a valuable insight into how this behavior fits her pattern. 

Now you're actually better off than you were yesterday, because you have confirmation that when that voice inside you says, "don't share personal info," you have to stop yourself.  And you know that you need to give your mom a boundary about calling late, and not answer it after that set time.  You can release yourself from the guilt because if it's a medical emergency & she can call you, she can just as easily call an ambulance.  It doesn't have to be on you to rescue her.   

I wouldn't see it as a step back, because each time you interact with her you are gaining more knowledge, a better understanding of your true boundaries, and a better perspective on the relationship patterns.  Try not to be hard on yourself; be proud of each small bit of progress.  Rome wasn't made in a day.

[K1313]

Turkish... .I think you are right that there needs to be a boundary. I think actually expressing this to my mother would backfire and create more drama but that if I simply distance and don't take her calls late at night, it would really help.

Nicolin... .I am very lucky to have a very strong support team outside my family. My husband has been especially wonderful during all this and it's taken a lot of courage for him to finally open up about his feelings towards my mother and what he has observed. I tend to get so protective of her that any negative sentiments towards her made be very defensive. But as I've come to a place of reconciling my childhood, the emotional abuse and everything else... .He says it's rewarding for him to see me finally facing all these things that he's seen for years.

Bubblegirl... .Thank you for your post. I really needed that. You totally reframed that for me. I am incredibly self-critical and so I was having a hard time seeing all the progress I had made for want of all the progress I'd like to make. I'm getting much better at rationally reframing things that are external to me (something I was not taught by my mother) but I still have a hard time doing it with all my internal noise so thanks for helping me out with that.

This board has been such a source of comfort. It's good to know I'm not alone and that it can get better. Thanks everyone.