sometimes this is impossible to take anymore

[777Alex777]

After 9 months It still kills me. I know I do all the wrong things, I look at her facebook, I think about her all the time. I still have special things in my room we shared, and bought together. Today I looked at her facebook, which she leaves public. and I saw this new boy friend leaning against MY fireplace (I let her stay in my house, its entirely in my name) so her daughter wouldn't have to change schools. And he has a photo he put up looking down at her sitting on our rug by our fireplace drinking out of a tea cup I bought her for last Christmas. Shes really cute, so beautiful. I remember every single thing. I am a writer, so I wrote tons and tons about her, I kept journals , I published books on amazon about our love. My life revolved completely around her for 5 years. we were never apart, I was never gone longer then an over night business trip here or there.

I understand she and I are not playing by the same emotional rules. I know her head doesn't work the way mine does, or her memories. I know it's like trying to have a relationship with another species. The biggest part of love is relating. I can relate to her, I understand her, but she cannot relate to me, and cannot even begin to comprehend my emotions, or thoughts. She can't see any further than the end of her nose in that manner.

I get it, I have gotten it for a long time. She is like an addiction to me. And the fact that she doesn't feel the same things I feel, or care that I still have feelings, that's just shattering.

Even after my 2nd wife and I were apart for many years, we would talk and say how we remembered how it felt to be together and pleasant memories, the kids, Christmases, trips together, etc. We still had a semblance of a bond after years apart because of the things we shared. It's not like that at all for this one. She just acts like I am someone she never met, hasn't slept with a thousand times, she just calls me "dude"

it throws me off. I have a hard time concentrating, working, thinking, my new relationship with my new gf suffers because I go off into sad lala land and she has no clue what's wrong with me.

I talk to other people, who are in normal relationships and normal breakups. they don't get me or how I feel. they didn't get why I stayed with her as long as I did, the don't see what I saw in her. I honestly don't know what the deal is. Time doesn't seem to be making a difference for me.

help.

[RisingSun]

Hello Alex

I feel your pain. I know how difficult it is to have someone you loved so deeply detach and "move on" like the time you spent together never existed. I know all too well how deep you're feelings are for her. I too long to experience the connection my xw and I had. To say we had a lot in common would be an understatement. We spent 11 years together and rarely were apart. That was until she got involved with my replacement. Then all hell broke lose and I was discarded like I meant nothing to her, aside from an offer to be her doormat.

What I had to get myself to understand, so I could move on, was that even though my xw didn't die, she was to be considered dead. You see, when they move on to the replacement they change into another person. The one you once knew and loved is long gone, never to return. They will forget how they acted with you. They will repress the experiences they had with you. And as well, they will repress all the guilt, pain and other unwanted stuff that is just too painful for them to process. Once this happens, we become a trigger for all these unwanted feelings to arise in them. So they will avoid us and run away.

It's tuff to come to terms with this because it's not what us healthy people do. Healthy people reflect on past mistakes and move forward with the intention to change for the better.

A BPD is all about repression and avoidance.

I hate to see you put yourself through such extended misery.

What I recommend is to go NC and deal with the "death" of your BPDx. You won't be able to fully heal if you're looking at your x's social media or if you're in contact with her. She's a ghost now and if you let her, she'll haunt you for as long as you hold on. There's only one way through this and that's complete detachment. This starts with NC, which not only means no talking on the phone, emailing or texting, NC also means not looking into what she's doing or who she's with.

[777Alex777]

Thank you Rising, In many of the conversations I have had with her I have noticed the girl I knew was really gone. Even her memories all seemed gone. She has a whole new set of interests and friends, it really is like she is dead and gone. I think that is how I feel. Like I lost her forever. I lost my lifelong best friend at age 25, it kinda felt this, I would panic, thinking of never seeing him again, and everything reminded me of him and there was no... .comfort. I couldn't just call and talk to him. He was gone and out of reach for the rest of this life time. That feeling is much like this. The hardest thing is knowing you, the non BPD are often willing to bend over backwards in every way to make it work, and they see that as weakness more then strength.

I understand what you are saying. She has a string of ex boy friends she stays in contact, they hover around her, she keeps them all on the line. she would often threaten to leave me and go back to one of them. Even though I was the longest one she was ever with by far, I fear if I let her lead me on I will become nothing more then one of her flock of hangers-on. The only way to succeed here seems to be to treat he as if she is dead and gone, because as you said, the woman I knew and cared for doesn't seem to exist anymore. And even recently when she and I discussed one last attempt at making it all work again, we talked for hours every night, and she ended up saying it was too hard for her, it was all bad, it made her feel bad, guilty, just like you said. I only trigger pain for her now. and while I can handle pain - I've been doing it for years, she can't.

Thank you for your truth. much appreciated. perhaps tomorrow will be better then today now knowing this.