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Skills we were never taught
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Author Topic: Still not speaking to me.  (Read 843 times)
2lonely

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« on: November 20, 2014, 11:57:21 AM »

Hi

This is my first time posting. My daughter was diagnosed with BPD last but we always knew there was something different about her. Things started to show at an early age. She had a hard time maintaining friendships and she always seemed to be the center of somekind of drama at school. She seemed to get more angry and violent as she got older, fits of rage and depression were common we often had to restrain her from either harming herself or a family member during her rages. Her memories of her childhood and teens are not good, she doesnt seem to recall the events that lead up to our calling 911 to our house. Ther were often times when she threaten to kill herself and we were at a loss of what to do. At the age of seventeen we had to throw her out of the house as she became so violent she was a threat to myself and her siblings. We supported her until she became an adult but still often try to her her out with food and bills as well as give her spending money. But now it has been almost a month since she has cut off contact with us. Although most of the previous contact seemed to be blaiming us for her disorder.She thinks she suffered abuse as a child, which was not the case, although there wer times when we would try to control her fits of rage to protect her or her other siblings, believe me it was difficult.

I miss her dearly but sometimes I think maybe she just need time. There are times when I feel guilty that not hearing from her is better than constantly being told how terrible we were as parents. I am not sure how to help her and make her see things how they really were or if she ever will. She has two other siblings she seems to try and reach out to but one was often the target of her abuse when they were younger and is afraid to spend time with her alone and the other tries but is often busy with their own life.

I am not sure what my next move should be... .
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Rapt Reader
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« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2014, 09:32:37 PM »

Hello, 2lonely &  Welcome

I'm so very sorry for all of the pain and trauma you have been going through with your daughter, and please know that everyone on the Parenting a Child with BPD Board really does know exactly what you have been going through... .How old is your daughter? How old are her siblings?

I miss her dearly but sometimes I think maybe she just need time. There are times when I feel guilty that not hearing from her is better than constantly being told how terrible we were as parents. I am not sure how to help her and make her see things how they really were or if she ever will.

You could be right, 2lonely, and sometimes people do better in time, as they learn self-control and get wiser... .I know your daughter has been diagnosed with BPD, but I'm wondering if she is getting treated for it? Is she in any type of Therapy at all? Psychiatrist? Counselor? Has she ever tried Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? My own adult son (37) was diagnosed with BPD in April 2013, and had intensive DBT and still sees an Out-Patient Therapist (he is almost 20 months clean and sober at this time!), Psychiatrist, and has been in Neurofeedback Therapy for the last 19 months or so.

What I know from my son's experience is that once someone realizes they have a problem, is willing to get help for it and then follow through with that help, they can actually get better--he is in remission for the BPD and is the happiest and healthiest he has been since he was a kid  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand of this page yet? The TOOLS and THE LESSONS will give you some valuable information that will help you understand how your daughter's mind works, and what you can do to not only learn how to deal with her in such a way that you won't be pushing every one of her buttons, but also in ways that can help her... .For now, while you aren't in contact with her, you can spend some time learning all you can so that when the time comes when she is communicating with her again, things can go more smoothly... .

And when you read the information on this site (this link is a very good one to check out, too: When a teen or adult child has BPD) please let us know if you have any questions... .We want to help you and your family, 2lonely 

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pessim-optimist
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« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2014, 09:41:54 PM »

Hello 2lonely,

Welcome

And Welcome to the Parenting board!

It sounds like this has been a long and bumpy ride with your daughter all along. You must be exhausted by all the years of struggle. Was this recent diagnosis a relief for you, or did it not make much difference?

How did your daughter respond to the diagnosis herself? Was that what precipitated her cutting you off?

Do you know she is safe, or do you have no information at all?

I miss her dearly but sometimes I think maybe she just need time. There are times when I feel guilty that not hearing from her is better than constantly being told how terrible we were as parents.

We understand how you feel, there are many members here in similar situations, and the feelings you are experiencing right now are part of the process; but please know that it is ok to feel relief when the battering stops and we find ourselves with a quiet and peaceful home. You have been under much stress and pressure, enjoy the breathing space you have right now. The grief will hit as well soon enough... .

You are right, she probably does need time to come to grips with the reality of her diagnosis. She may or may not believe it, or decide to work hard in therapy, and we can only help our kids along, it is not possible for us to change them or to change their reality. They need to be motivated to want to change themselves... .

We are here to listen and to support you through it all. Welcome again, and feel free to ask any questions you might have.

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2lonely

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« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2014, 11:15:10 AM »

Thank you so much for your replies. My daughter was diagnosed last winter after a traumatic episode. She was in the hospital for two weeks and finally diagnosed.She was on meds for a while but said she didn't like the way they make her feel. She was advised about counselling but did not follow through with it. Now she does not think the diagnosis was not correct. She keeps in touch with her older brother now so I know she is safe, but it still hurts not hearing from her. She is living with her boyfriend now but was talking before about moving to a place by herself. He has some issues of his own. Neither one of them are working and I know that she has become violent with him in the past. He tries but I don`t think they are a good combination.

I think the grief has already started I get up everyday checking my phone to see if I have heard from her but nothing yet. I wish we were close but every time in the past that things were going good she would find something to fight about. Or something I say would push a button and she would start screaming at me. She has memories of things that didn`t happen or her memories do not include what she did before things got out of control. I feel a loss of a relationship I wish we had.

 
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pessim-optimist
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« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2014, 11:26:13 AM »

Hello again, 2lonely, 

It tugs at one's heart badly, doesn't it? We are currently also cut off, and there are days when it's really hard to keep focused. On the other hand, this isn't the first time it has happened, and it does get easier with time. Especially knowing that even if they say that this is forever, the likelihood is they will be back, sooner or later. At the same time, you are right, we do grieve the loss of the quality of a relationship we thought we had or the one we wanted to have... .

Hang in there 2lonely.   At least you have some news from her brother, so that can put your mind at ease that you know she is safe at the moment - that is huge.

As I look at our own story and read others' stories, it is amazing to see all the similarities. Everyone's situation is unique, yet we all share so much in common. My step-daughter hasn't been officially diagnosed, but periodically goes to therapists seeking validation for her perception that it's all the people around her that have a problem, and as soon as it comes time to take a peek at herself, and her own role in the troubles, she stops going. It isn't uncommon even for the diagnosed kids to reject the diagnosis, because for those that haven't come to the definitive realization that they need help, it is really hard to accept the diagnosis - so far they have been projecting their pain onto others, now it may be unbearable to accept the pain as their own... .

I wish we were close but every time in the past that things were going good she would find something to fight about. Or something I say would push a button and she would start screaming at me. She has memories of things that didn`t happen or her memories do not include what she did before things got out of control. I feel a loss of a relationship I wish we had.

That is such a heartbreaking experience but so very common among parents of kids w/BPD... .what we find is that there are lots of things we can do to make the situation better, and if we change and learn to communicate with them differently, chances are, our relationship with them will become more peaceful. However, we only control 50% of that relationship, that is: ourselves. Our child controls the other 50% and so there are no guarantees. But we do improve the odds, though.

The suggestion for the links that Rapt-Reader gave you is an excellent resource, also, the pictures above the Parenting board will lead you to more helpful articles also.

How are you coping with the diagnosis and all, have you had a chance to connect with any local support groups? Do you have any family members that are there for you and you for them in this? Do you find time to "take care of yourself" - as we call it - to do things to nurture your physical, emotional and psychological health, to live life outside of BPD?
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2lonely

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« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2014, 11:06:55 AM »

Not sure how to handle things. My BPD daughter has not spoken to me for more than a month now as she says she wants to stop the circle of abuse. she was a difficult teen and at times quite verbally abusive. She would scream and rant at us and when we tried to stop her she would dramatically throw herself into her room and tell us we pushed her. There were times that she would make holes in our house walls, kick doors in smash and break things. Her dad would yell back and try to stop her but this always made things worse. He was never physical but her memories of these events are very clouded. She doesn't seem to remember her role in the events to us calling the police or ambulance when she was uncontrollable.

  As for what is happening now she is in her twenties and lives with her boyfriend. Last year things came to a head with her one weekend when I was out of town when she had a fight with her boyfriend and threatening to kill herself in the streets new his home. She was taken to the hospital and was committed for a couple of weeks where she was diagnosed with BPD. Which she still doesn't believe is true. She refused to take meds as she says that she doesn't like the way they make her feel. As for her deciding not to speak to us I am not sure what led up to this as days before we had spent time together and everything went fine.

  Last night I was asking one of her siblings if they had heard from her and if she had said anything about the holidays. I was hoping that, well maybe she had wanted to spend time with us. Her sibling checked Facebook and their was a long post about how terrible her life was when she was younger and how she was happier now that she has disconnected from us and how she was thinking of legally changing her name. I fell so hurt I am not sure how to react to this. It isn't the first time she has made such accusations on this forum. Though the hurt is still there I really miss her.

We have two other well adjusted adult children. And they try to keep in contact with her but. I am not sure

how to handle the holidays.

  Sorry for the long post but I am at a loss of what I should do... .     

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pessim-optimist
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« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2014, 08:51:06 PM »

I am so sorry 2lonely. The first time of being cut off is always very very painful and especially around the holidays.

I understand both your hurt and you missing her at the same time... .

Her sibling checked Facebook and their was a long post about how terrible her life was when she was younger and how she was happier now that she has disconnected from us and how she was thinking of legally changing her name. I fell so hurt I am not sure how to react to this. Though the hurt is still there I really miss her.

We have two other well adjusted adult children. And they try to keep in contact with her but. I am not sure

how to handle the holidays.

Sorry for the long post but I am at a loss of what I should do... .

Please feel free to share, this is a place where people will listen to your story and try to help as best as they can... .

This is going to be easy to say but it's hard to practice:

First, please make an effort to not take these statements seriously and/or personally. It is the illness and her pain talking, and things often change abruptly with people w/BPD.

And second - steel yourself against the possibility of your daughter not being there for the holidays, and at the same time, extend a warm invitation knowing she might lash out. You never know, if things go badly in her current life, she just might show up. Or not. In that case, make plans for yourself and the rest of your family to make this as good a time as possible, and when sadness comes, do something to make yourself feel better... .

I like to listen to some uplifting music, spend time outside (when it's not freezing as bad as right now) and do some physical activity that will elevate my endorphin levels.

What are your ways to self-soothe and elevate your mood?
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